J
I just want to honor God. In my current situation, it's easier said than done. My heart is to pursue God as he pursues me. My heart is to push forward and love Him more despite what my husband does. Many of you know that my husband is mentally ill and is threatening to divorce me. He has threatened about half a dozen times in the past 2 months, and this is the longest time he's held his decision. At this point, he is in the hospital on a two-week hold that could possibly turn into a month. He will not talk to me, but has told his sisters that he has quarters and will call me when he's ready.
In no way do I want to say that everything is his fault. I accept full responsibility for my part, but the decision has ultimately been his. He has refused counseling and separation. I love my husband. We have been together for 7 years and seen each other through some gruesome events: his mothers battle with breast cancer and eventual death, my fathers battle with cirrhosis and liver cancer and eventual liver transplant, and my own acceptance of incest involving myself, my sister, and my father beginning in infancy until 8-years old. I trully hope that he gets the healing that he needs, and that the Father has mercy on him.
In the past week, I have felt like a competely different person. I have felt freedom to be myself which I haven't felt in several years. I have felt freedom to live out the calling that God has placed on my life. This is God's grace, I know. And I'm so greatful for it. This season has not come without difficulty. Last night I was at a service where a friend of mine gave a word. "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteouness for they will be filled." This is the cry of my heart. When she said it, I burst into tears. In 14 years of being a Christian, that has never happened to me, but God knows that all I desire is to get through this dishonoring situation in an honoring way. This is a depth of passion I have not felt in some time.
I want to honor God in my choices regarding this divorce, my own healing now and afterward, my pursuit or His drawing of a future mate, and His timeline for it all. But I must say, it is very difficult, and it is only by God's grace that I've made it this far. He is a good God. His mercies are new every morning.
In no way do I want to say that everything is his fault. I accept full responsibility for my part, but the decision has ultimately been his. He has refused counseling and separation. I love my husband. We have been together for 7 years and seen each other through some gruesome events: his mothers battle with breast cancer and eventual death, my fathers battle with cirrhosis and liver cancer and eventual liver transplant, and my own acceptance of incest involving myself, my sister, and my father beginning in infancy until 8-years old. I trully hope that he gets the healing that he needs, and that the Father has mercy on him.
In the past week, I have felt like a competely different person. I have felt freedom to be myself which I haven't felt in several years. I have felt freedom to live out the calling that God has placed on my life. This is God's grace, I know. And I'm so greatful for it. This season has not come without difficulty. Last night I was at a service where a friend of mine gave a word. "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteouness for they will be filled." This is the cry of my heart. When she said it, I burst into tears. In 14 years of being a Christian, that has never happened to me, but God knows that all I desire is to get through this dishonoring situation in an honoring way. This is a depth of passion I have not felt in some time.
I want to honor God in my choices regarding this divorce, my own healing now and afterward, my pursuit or His drawing of a future mate, and His timeline for it all. But I must say, it is very difficult, and it is only by God's grace that I've made it this far. He is a good God. His mercies are new every morning.
