O
I made a mistake. Well I've made a few mistakes in my life and I know no one is perfect but I am posting today with a heavy heart. 
See I grew up in a loving, Christian household with two loving parents and an older brother. I went to sunday school, & nursery school at church, went to public school until 6th grade and then went to a christian middle school/high school. While I loved learning about God and going to a christian school, the school my friend Alex and I went to wasn't a comfortable environment for us - lots of the kids there did drugs and drank on the weekends. So we both left and went to public school. I loved public school and kept my morals in tact for most of the time - but then I fell susceptible to temptation. I discovered marijuana the last year I was there and I guess things became hazy for me. I went to college and had never drank at that point and didn't do so until second semester of my freshman year there. I avoided fraternities and would only casually drink....I know I wasn't of legal age but I did so anyway.
I had a few brief relationships, two were physically-based and one wasn't but I wasn't sure how I felt about that particular guy. Then I met Eli, he was a musician and very intelligent. We were physical but nothing ever led to having sex. He talked about wanting to and I said I wasn't ready....ultimately the relationship ended a month later for various reasons. Then I met Jake, a cool skateboarder who had a sensitive side. We dated for 7 months and I fell into temptation. We had sex. The relationship lasted for 5 months after that but ultimately ended because we fought a lot.
After that relationship ended I felt lost, confused as to why I gave myself to someone and ashamed that I didn't wait until I got married. I fell into a deep depression and a few health issues appeared and I kept myself pre-occupied with two jobs. I would go out on the weekends and hang out with friends in my free time.
If you are still with me and I haven't lost you with my rambling, you have probably noticed how I haven't mentioned church. I would go to church once in awhile and on key holidays. I would pray once in awhile but ultimately do my own thing.
One night 6 months ago I met this guy named Jay, going for his doctorate in biology. The first night we met was going out for my friend's birthday. I kissed him when I first met him and drinking was involved (notice the pattern). We had a lot in common and hung out a lot. He is studying to get his doctorate in biology and then will be pursuing his post-doc. I really enjoyed hanging out with him but unfortunately it could only be at night during the week because he didn't get home from work/school until 10 most nights. So ultimately staying over was what occurred. We were both physically attracted to each other so we would make out, etc. About two weeks ago we had sex and did a few more times. I know God was trying to speak to me before this occurred, and I knew in my heart I shouldn't and I did it anyway.
When I came back from going away for the weekend I told him about how I felt about the physicality of the relationship but never went into the religious part because ultimately I don't feel comfortable in this relationship to vocalize that. He said that if I didn't feel comfortable that we didn't have to have sex but that he might pull away emotionally. I know I had an opportunity there to tell him about how I felt religiously and I didn't.......that is my biggest regret. I know I probably confused him a lot....and still am confusing him. After talking we had sex two nights ago and he asked if he should stop and I said no. I know I messed up there by doing that and that ultimately we should have never had sex until we were married. I wish I could go back in time 2 weeks ago and tell myself that.
I FEEL SO GUILTY and BROKEN. I really messed up
I have sinned and sinned and sinned and sinned. I know God is trying to guide me in a different direction and I don't know what that is and it scares me.
I know I have to break up with him because ultimately I have ruined the relationship with the physicality being present. I don't foresee there being a way to go forward in this relationship. I don't want to turn him completely away from religion. How can I break up with him?
See I grew up in a loving, Christian household with two loving parents and an older brother. I went to sunday school, & nursery school at church, went to public school until 6th grade and then went to a christian middle school/high school. While I loved learning about God and going to a christian school, the school my friend Alex and I went to wasn't a comfortable environment for us - lots of the kids there did drugs and drank on the weekends. So we both left and went to public school. I loved public school and kept my morals in tact for most of the time - but then I fell susceptible to temptation. I discovered marijuana the last year I was there and I guess things became hazy for me. I went to college and had never drank at that point and didn't do so until second semester of my freshman year there. I avoided fraternities and would only casually drink....I know I wasn't of legal age but I did so anyway.
I had a few brief relationships, two were physically-based and one wasn't but I wasn't sure how I felt about that particular guy. Then I met Eli, he was a musician and very intelligent. We were physical but nothing ever led to having sex. He talked about wanting to and I said I wasn't ready....ultimately the relationship ended a month later for various reasons. Then I met Jake, a cool skateboarder who had a sensitive side. We dated for 7 months and I fell into temptation. We had sex. The relationship lasted for 5 months after that but ultimately ended because we fought a lot.
After that relationship ended I felt lost, confused as to why I gave myself to someone and ashamed that I didn't wait until I got married. I fell into a deep depression and a few health issues appeared and I kept myself pre-occupied with two jobs. I would go out on the weekends and hang out with friends in my free time.
If you are still with me and I haven't lost you with my rambling, you have probably noticed how I haven't mentioned church. I would go to church once in awhile and on key holidays. I would pray once in awhile but ultimately do my own thing.
One night 6 months ago I met this guy named Jay, going for his doctorate in biology. The first night we met was going out for my friend's birthday. I kissed him when I first met him and drinking was involved (notice the pattern). We had a lot in common and hung out a lot. He is studying to get his doctorate in biology and then will be pursuing his post-doc. I really enjoyed hanging out with him but unfortunately it could only be at night during the week because he didn't get home from work/school until 10 most nights. So ultimately staying over was what occurred. We were both physically attracted to each other so we would make out, etc. About two weeks ago we had sex and did a few more times. I know God was trying to speak to me before this occurred, and I knew in my heart I shouldn't and I did it anyway.
When I came back from going away for the weekend I told him about how I felt about the physicality of the relationship but never went into the religious part because ultimately I don't feel comfortable in this relationship to vocalize that. He said that if I didn't feel comfortable that we didn't have to have sex but that he might pull away emotionally. I know I had an opportunity there to tell him about how I felt religiously and I didn't.......that is my biggest regret. I know I probably confused him a lot....and still am confusing him. After talking we had sex two nights ago and he asked if he should stop and I said no. I know I messed up there by doing that and that ultimately we should have never had sex until we were married. I wish I could go back in time 2 weeks ago and tell myself that.
I FEEL SO GUILTY and BROKEN. I really messed up
I have sinned and sinned and sinned and sinned. I know God is trying to guide me in a different direction and I don't know what that is and it scares me.
I know I have to break up with him because ultimately I have ruined the relationship with the physicality being present. I don't foresee there being a way to go forward in this relationship. I don't want to turn him completely away from religion. How can I break up with him?