Here's my letter. I want it to be real, serious honest; but I don't want it to be rageful and belligerant. I want to try to be compassionate. I also want to communicate that my forgiveness was real, but there are deeper layers now.
Dear Dad,
Years ago I addressed the ways you treated me when I was younger. I told you that I forgave you, and I meant every word as I still do. However, recently my understanding of how you treated or neglected me while I was growing up has been stretched, and it is too painful for me to talk to you right now.
You know what you did and didn’t do whether you are willing to admit it or not. I remember too many things that haunt me, and I just wish I could forget. So much of how you treated me and women in general formed my understanding of women. You perverted the father-daughter relationship, and because of your actions I grew up believing I was an object, a toy, disposable, unworthy of love or protection, a burden, and worthless. I believed I wasn’t beautiful because you couldn’t ever tell me I was, because I didn’t grow to fit the standard of women that I knew you found attractive, and because you did things that no father should ever do. I learned from you that I didn’t matter because whatever mattered to me was inconsequential to you. I believed I was hated. I believed that I wasn’t worth the effort to be known and understood because after a certain age, you pretty much ignored me. You didn’t demonstrate any desire to KNOW or understand me. I felt like I was not worth the effort it took to know me. I believed my only value came from men because that is how you valued women and me.
When I told you to stop, regardless of what you were doing, you pushed and pushed and pushed, and did not respect what I was comfortable with. You taught me that my No meant nothing. You were the very person who was supposed to teach me to respect and protect myself and you refused to respect my boundaries. I love you dad, but I have a lot of broken pieces caused by your porn baskets, your groping Brenda especially in public, your crushing of my boundaries, and your own perversions taken out and me and RaeAnna. You can deny it all you want, but I do remember too many things that happened.
I just wanted to be protected and the very times that you could have protected me, you ignored me. Instead, you were the one who was hurting me. I wanted to feel like you loved me, but instead I felt like a burden because of the excuses you would make when we wanted to spend extra time with you, or when we would ask for something. I learned never to ask for ANYTHING from you because every request was met with a guilt trip about how much you would have to live without so that I could have something. There are still very hateful spoken words that are burned into my memory. I do not wish to punish you for any of this, but I do wish for you to know what I know so that hopefully you will begin dealing with it yourself.
I have a Father in heaven who is teaching me that I am precious and innocent despite what others tried to make me. He defines who I am and not you or what you did. He is showing me that I was worthy from the beginning even when you treated me like a doll. He shows me how you should have been, but in your own brokenness, could not be. God is my protection, and He always has been even when you failed to be. He named me. He called me. He grew me up. He defended me against all the people who took advantage of me. And He will defend me against you. I know it hurts you to know that I need to be defended against you, but what you did was wrong. I love you regardless. God loves you regardless, but it’s now on you to come to terms with it. I do not want to define myself by the messages and words you gave me, and I won’t. I am not your toy and I never was.
I love you, but I feel like it is not healthy for me to talk to you right now. I am working on forgiving you, but it does not come easy with a lifetime of abuse, boundary violations, and neglect. Please do not call me. If there is an emergency, you can get a hold of me through RaeAnna or James. If you love me at all, then during this time you will try and understand my point of view and begin to admit what really went on. I do not know what the future holds, but at this point I don’t feel safe around you until you can honestly admit how you treated me, James, and RaeAnna. If you wish to never speak to me again, I will understand. If you get angry and decided you don’t want any association with me, I will respect that. I know you will be hurt, but I also know it’s on you and God to deal with this. And I believe that if you pray to Him he will deal with you and these things. He will deal mercifully. But, the catch is: there must be an honest admitting of faults. I pray that you will find God in this. I know that He is waiting for you to be willing to find Him. Out of your own brokenness you made some horrendous mistakes and caused a lot of pain, but it is not more than God can redeem.
Jordi
