How to set this new boundary

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J

Jordache

Guest
#1
About a week ago, after some new information from my mom, I decided that would stop talking to my father. My father began raping and otherwise sexually abusing my older sister and I in infancy. While he's mellowed out a bit with age, ours and his, he still says and does inappropriate things occasionally. Talking to him makes me sick and ge makes my skin crawl. Tonight he called me and before I saw who it was I had already answered. Oops... I could hear in his voice that he knew I was avoiding him as I haven't called in a couple of weeks and I was rushing him off the phone.
At some point I will have to give some sort of explanation and I have no clue what to say. I contributed him several years ago and he denied it all. Thus that sort of confrontation is not really useful now. I need wisdom. I can only avoid him for so long.
 

pickles

Senior Member
Apr 20, 2009
14,479
182
63
#2
Jordache, I want to pray in Jesus about this, before I give any advise.
Praing for you and all your needs in Jesus Christ is Lord.

Huge hugs and God bless
pickles
 

shemaiah

Senior Member
Jan 28, 2011
2,233
30
48
29
#3
I will be praying that God may give you wisdom to make the correct choice, one that will give you freedom and peace of mind. God bless
 
W

woodl

Guest
#5
About a week ago, after some new information from my mom, I decided that would stop talking to my father. My father began raping and otherwise sexually abusing my older sister and I in infancy. While he's mellowed out a bit with age, ours and his, he still says and does inappropriate things occasionally. Talking to him makes me sick and ge makes my skin crawl. Tonight he called me and before I saw who it was I had already answered. Oops... I could hear in his voice that he knew I was avoiding him as I haven't called in a couple of weeks and I was rushing him off the phone.
At some point I will have to give some sort of explanation and I have no clue what to say. I contributed him several years ago and he denied it all. Thus that sort of confrontation is not really useful now. I need wisdom. I can only avoid him for so long.
Heavenly Father I pray for this dad in a mighty way. I pray Lord that he'll see the hurt that he's placing on his family. I pray God that someone from out of the family will step in and point out to him the hurt that his actions are causing and I pray Lord that you'll remove the shackels from his eyes and he'll see it clearly and that his daughter won't have to carry this burden. In the name of Jesus I pray,amen.
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#6
It might be nice if someone stepped in to confront my dad, but very few people know. I just told my mom the extent of it and shes now dealing with her own culpability in it. The only other person in the family isn't sister, but she only knows what I've told her. She has no memory of her life before 10 years old. I'm really conflicted about whether or not to tell my two sisters and my brother. Between the three of them they have 6 girls and 2 boys. Two Of the girls are in very close contact with my dad.
I guess we should pray for Alicia and Analeigh especially.
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#7
If i ever found out he did something to them i think i might kill him. I wish i was exaggerating.
 
S

shekaniah

Guest
#8
About a week ago, after some new information from my mom, I decided that would stop talking to my father. My father began raping and otherwise sexually abusing my older sister and I in infancy. While he's mellowed out a bit with age, ours and his, he still says and does inappropriate things occasionally. Talking to him makes me sick and ge makes my skin crawl. Tonight he called me and before I saw who it was I had already answered. Oops... I could hear in his voice that he knew I was avoiding him as I haven't called in a couple of weeks and I was rushing him off the phone.
At some point I will have to give some sort of explanation and I have no clue what to say. I contributed him several years ago and he denied it all. Thus that sort of confrontation is not really useful now. I need wisdom. I can only avoid him for so long.

Jordache, it is not easy to confront people about thier behavior. Something tells me he does not know how to love any other way. You do need to tell him how you feel. Because he will not grow as a person if you just cut him off. If you pray and ask God for the right words, he will help you to tell your father in love and truth. If you put it in a letter, he can go back to it and reread it when he cools down.
He will be hurt when he first reads it, but if he loves and respects you, he will want to change how he treats you. I will be praying as God leads me. Keep us updated... love and care, Shekaniah
 
A

Avidan

Guest
#9
If i ever found out he did something to them i think i might kill him. I wish i was exaggerating.
This is how Satan wants to fill your heart so you will do his will.

Your dad does need to die, but, as an 'the old man' dying and as a new creation living in Christ.

I do have a few questions:

Are you able to pray for him, personally?

Does he claim to be a Christian?

and

Have you brought your offense to him so he could ask you for forgiveness?

(forgive me if you have already stated the answers to these questions)

What you have been through is very difficult, I'm not down playing it. But, if you, by God's Grace, are able to overcome by Love, you will be setting yourself on a much better path than the path of vengeance.

As a man sows, that he will also reap and vengeance is the LORD's.

I know that you know this, and it will come to pass, for everyone, even your dad.


I don't think it's wise to be around him physically until he has works fitting of repentance. If possible, would you be able to type out a prayer of forgiveness and salvation for him for all of us to come into agreement with you?
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#10
I'm working on forgiveness. I began many years ago on forgiving him. However, this year the revelation of the abuse has changed quite a bit. I've realized that it began in infancy, that it began very aggressively and became more passive, and that he's still not safe. I did confront him years ago with the understanding of abuse I had then. He stopped speaking to me. It was only because I kept my word that we began speaking again. It was then that I forgave him for the revelation I had at that time. He denied it all. His response was, "I'm sorry you FEEL that way.". He is not a Christian. I he claimed anything he would be mormon. Though he only went back to it after he got sick because my stepmoms family is devout.
There are times that I can pray for him and times that it just makes me sick to even hear his name. I've given up my involvement in his salvation. I've told him about Jesus many times, so now it's his choice. This is why I can stop talking to him.
It's only by the grace of God I can type this prayer. I'm sitting McDonalds crying an shaking. This is completely an act of the will because I do not feel it at all.

Lord, you know everything my dad did to me and RaeAnna and James. You know that they are in complete denial and that I hate him. But you also know that my hearts desire is be as you are, to speak as you speak, to love as you love, and to know as you know. I praise you for your grace in my life. I praise you that by your strength I can function victoriously. I praise you that you you are merciful and that you know exactly how I feel about myself and my dad. I know nothing to ask for except healing so that I can love him as you do. Help me stand firm in not talking to him. Help me to not believe that I am an object, a toy, that I'm worthless and hated, or that my own value comes in my body. Help me to understand love in a pure way. Demonstrate your love to me in tangible ways.
You know that I do not want to forgive, and that all I can do is speak the words. Help me to forgive my father and trust that you WILL take vengeance despite no one ever doing it for me. My soul does not want to
hate him.
And Lord I pray that you would break through to him. That you would mercifully reveal to him the damage he's done. Help me to trust that you will protect me physically, spiritually, and emotionally; and that you will protect my honor.
In Jesus name,
Amen
 
A

Avidan

Guest
#12
I'm working on forgiveness. I began many years ago on forgiving him. However, this year the revelation of the abuse has changed quite a bit. I've realized that it began in infancy, that it began very aggressively and became more passive, and that he's still not safe. I did confront him years ago with the understanding of abuse I had then. He stopped speaking to me. It was only because I kept my word that we began speaking again. It was then that I forgave him for the revelation I had at that time. He denied it all. His response was, "I'm sorry you FEEL that way.". He is not a Christian. I he claimed anything he would be mormon. Though he only went back to it after he got sick because my stepmoms family is devout.
There are times that I can pray for him and times that it just makes me sick to even hear his name. I've given up my involvement in his salvation. I've told him about Jesus many times, so now it's his choice. This is why I can stop talking to him.
It's only by the grace of God I can type this prayer. I'm sitting McDonalds crying an shaking. This is completely an act of the will because I do not feel it at all.

Lord, you know everything my dad did to me and RaeAnna and James. You know that they are in complete denial and that I hate him. But you also know that my hearts desire is be as you are, to speak as you speak, to love as you love, and to know as you know. I praise you for your grace in my life. I praise you that by your strength I can function victoriously. I praise you that you you are merciful and that you know exactly how I feel about myself and my dad. I know nothing to ask for except healing so that I can love him as you do. Help me stand firm in not talking to him. Help me to not believe that I am an object, a toy, that I'm worthless and hated, or that my own value comes in my body. Help me to understand love in a pure way. Demonstrate your love to me in tangible ways.
You know that I do not want to forgive, and that all I can do is speak the words. Help me to forgive my father and trust that you WILL take vengeance despite no one ever doing it for me. My soul does not want to
hate him.
And Lord I pray that you would break through to him. That you would mercifully reveal to him the damage he's done. Help me to trust that you will protect me physically, spiritually, and emotionally; and that you will protect my honor.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Understood.

Heavenly Father,

I witness this prayer and confession of wanting to be like You. A prayer that is really difficult to pray. Not for wanting to be like You, but, for doing it out of an act of obedience to Your Word. Jordache wants to do the right thing, but, she needs Your help and strength. You say that you give strength and power to Your people and I am asking for this Word to be performed quickly in Jordache's life.

You say the You will raise a standard up against the flood of the enemy (Eph 6:12) and that man will be ashamed if they are not abiding in Christ. Seeing our own shame is sometimes good for us because then we can come to an end of our self and call upon Your kindness, which leads us to repentance. For some though, it is to much, and the storm sweeps them away. I pray that this won't happen to her dad. But, that he would find You and be truly repentant and sorrowful, both to You and Jordache.

I know that 'spirit' (or way of thinking) that says, "I'm sorry you FEEL that way." It's mean and cold. The verbal composite of the spirit of divorce. I know that Your heart, LORD, can not stand that way of careless thinking. And, that type of thinking will not stand in the last Day.

I pray that Your will be done hear on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Magnify Your Word in the midst of Jordache's life and in everything and in everyone that concerns her.

I speak this not to Jordache, but, to the temptation to hate:

It is written:

Speak no evil of any man.
Love thinks no evil.
Bless and curse not.
To forgive.
To let the LORD have vengeance.
1Pe 3:9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
1Pe 3:10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
1Pe 3:11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
1Pe 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

Let her enemies (Eph 6:12) be bound up in Jesus Name and sent into the depths.

In Jesus Name, Amen.


Jordache,

I wouldn't advise you to be around him in person, unless, you were with other people too.

According to the Lord we are to bless those who curse us and pray for those who despitefully use us. And I know a lot will come up against this, as far as thoughts and emotions.

Even so, with your courage and commitment to follow GOD's Word, this is what we just did. I know that you can feel to two different directions. The direction that hate and disgust want to go, and the direction that blessing and praying want to go. So, let's keep praying for him. I will put him on my prayer list and will be lifting him up everyday.

Now, asking the LORD to discipline him, to bring him to a point of being able to hear His voice, and to a place of repentance, is blessing him. So I'm not saying to buy him a new car or to pray for him to have financial property. I'm talking about eternal blessings and loving words (sometimes reproving in love).

If it were me, I would separate myself from him and lovingly explain to him that because of his actions and the affect it was having on me, that I did not see it to be wise to be in relationship anymore. And if he wanted to seek reconciliation, then He would have to go through the LORD Jesus, because the LORD is Your Father now.


I would call and tell him,

"Because of Jesus, I am letting this go and putting it into His hands. But, for the sake of your own soul and conscience, it would be wise to seek the LORD for reconciliation and to ask me for forgiveness for what you have done, not right now, but, when the time is right.

If you want me to be in your life, then you will give me the space that I am requiring of you. No phone calls, no visits, no letters, no emails.

Know that child molesters and rapists do not go to heaven, and there's only one other place to go. Jesus has made a way out for you though, and both the LORD and I are ready to forgive you.

During this time that we are apart, read your Holy Bible. Start with the Psalms and the Gospels; if you love me at all, you will do what I am requiring of you.

(also mention any destructive addictive habits that need to stop and let him know that Jesus will help him stop)

I will send you a copy of what I am telling you in the mail. Do not respond to it. It is only for your records to remember what I have just told you.

I want one year of respite between you and I. After this years time has past, if you are ready to ask me for forgiveness then you can contact someone who can reach me and I will contact you when I am ready. If you try to contact me again, in anyway before this one years time period, I will file a restraining order against you.

By the love that Jesus gives me, I love you."

Then hang up and mail the letter.

Remember that him forgiving you is not for your sake, it is for his. You forgiving him before the LORD is for your sake. And you bringing the offense to your "dad" for him to have the opportunity for repentance is for his sake. Just like the LORD sent Jonah to Nineveh to provide them the opportunity to repent.

If you need more or less time of separation, then adjust accordingly.

If he keeps harassing you, file a restraining order against him. He is not a Christian, and the law is there to protect people from evil doers. Sometimes people need to be disciplined and the LORD works through law enforcement all the time to discipline people.

I'll let the others that pray on here witness to what I am saying. The LORD will lead you in the right direction. Keep seeking Him and spending as much time as you are able in His Presence. Know that the world will hate you for belonging to Christ; and deep down, the people who follow the spirit of the world feel the pull of murder in their hearts concerning believers. Things might not get better for us as believers as far as that's concerned.

Keep praying that Love will be perfected in all of our hearts, as a body. Where there is love there is no fear. And when there is no fear, there are no lustful yearnings to feel better or to retaliate; because, love has overcome the fear of death. We all need more love.



.
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#13
So for clarification: I live 500 miles away from my dad. He has not done anything physical to me since I was about 9. He has mellowed out a bit with age. I only speak to him about once every few weeks and he hasn't said anything perverted since about last Christmas when he and my stepmom decided it was funny to tell me how much his libido had increased after he got his liver transplant from a 20 year old male. His abuse was aggressive on us when we were younger because we couldn't tell. It became less aggressive as we got older until the physical part disappeared.
He is not harassing me which is something makes this even harder. Like most pedophiles, he very likable. Everyone likes him. So its not just him that I'm separating from, it's my brother and his wife and kids, my sister and her husband and kids, my step mom, my younger brother, and my whole step family that I am losing.

I just wrote a letter to my husband releasing him to make whatever choice he wants to regarding our marriage. At this point if we end in divorce, I will feel no guilt about it. I laid out all of the requirements for him coming back, and if he doesn't want to respect me in that way then it's his choice to walk away.

I will write a similar letter to my dad, and probably to my siblings. Just imagine losing the two men who are supposed to be the most important men in your life, at the same time. But I have my church family who I consider more my family than my blood family. My pastors have already told me they would protect me and be my backing, and support whatever decision I make with either my dad or my husband.
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#14
Here's my letter. I want it to be real, serious honest; but I don't want it to be rageful and belligerant. I want to try to be compassionate. I also want to communicate that my forgiveness was real, but there are deeper layers now.

Dear Dad,
Years ago I addressed the ways you treated me when I was younger. I told you that I forgave you, and I meant every word as I still do. However, recently my understanding of how you treated or neglected me while I was growing up has been stretched, and it is too painful for me to talk to you right now.
You know what you did and didn’t do whether you are willing to admit it or not. I remember too many things that haunt me, and I just wish I could forget. So much of how you treated me and women in general formed my understanding of women. You perverted the father-daughter relationship, and because of your actions I grew up believing I was an object, a toy, disposable, unworthy of love or protection, a burden, and worthless. I believed I wasn’t beautiful because you couldn’t ever tell me I was, because I didn’t grow to fit the standard of women that I knew you found attractive, and because you did things that no father should ever do. I learned from you that I didn’t matter because whatever mattered to me was inconsequential to you. I believed I was hated. I believed that I wasn’t worth the effort to be known and understood because after a certain age, you pretty much ignored me. You didn’t demonstrate any desire to KNOW or understand me. I felt like I was not worth the effort it took to know me. I believed my only value came from men because that is how you valued women and me.
When I told you to stop, regardless of what you were doing, you pushed and pushed and pushed, and did not respect what I was comfortable with. You taught me that my No meant nothing. You were the very person who was supposed to teach me to respect and protect myself and you refused to respect my boundaries. I love you dad, but I have a lot of broken pieces caused by your porn baskets, your groping Brenda especially in public, your crushing of my boundaries, and your own perversions taken out and me and RaeAnna. You can deny it all you want, but I do remember too many things that happened.
I just wanted to be protected and the very times that you could have protected me, you ignored me. Instead, you were the one who was hurting me. I wanted to feel like you loved me, but instead I felt like a burden because of the excuses you would make when we wanted to spend extra time with you, or when we would ask for something. I learned never to ask for ANYTHING from you because every request was met with a guilt trip about how much you would have to live without so that I could have something. There are still very hateful spoken words that are burned into my memory. I do not wish to punish you for any of this, but I do wish for you to know what I know so that hopefully you will begin dealing with it yourself.
I have a Father in heaven who is teaching me that I am precious and innocent despite what others tried to make me. He defines who I am and not you or what you did. He is showing me that I was worthy from the beginning even when you treated me like a doll. He shows me how you should have been, but in your own brokenness, could not be. God is my protection, and He always has been even when you failed to be. He named me. He called me. He grew me up. He defended me against all the people who took advantage of me. And He will defend me against you. I know it hurts you to know that I need to be defended against you, but what you did was wrong. I love you regardless. God loves you regardless, but it’s now on you to come to terms with it. I do not want to define myself by the messages and words you gave me, and I won’t. I am not your toy and I never was.
I love you, but I feel like it is not healthy for me to talk to you right now. I am working on forgiving you, but it does not come easy with a lifetime of abuse, boundary violations, and neglect. Please do not call me. If there is an emergency, you can get a hold of me through RaeAnna or James. If you love me at all, then during this time you will try and understand my point of view and begin to admit what really went on. I do not know what the future holds, but at this point I don’t feel safe around you until you can honestly admit how you treated me, James, and RaeAnna. If you wish to never speak to me again, I will understand. If you get angry and decided you don’t want any association with me, I will respect that. I know you will be hurt, but I also know it’s on you and God to deal with this. And I believe that if you pray to Him he will deal with you and these things. He will deal mercifully. But, the catch is: there must be an honest admitting of faults. I pray that you will find God in this. I know that He is waiting for you to be willing to find Him. Out of your own brokenness you made some horrendous mistakes and caused a lot of pain, but it is not more than God can redeem.

Jordi
 
A

Avidan

Guest
#15
So for clarification...
Perhaps the LORD is calling you away from all of this into the plans and assignments that He has for you within His purpose. I will keep praying for you. Keep seeking, keep knocking. You are doing great.

I'll read the letter you posted as soon as I am able. I might not get to it until tomorrow though.
 
W

woodl

Guest
#16
About a week ago, after some new information from my mom, I decided that would stop talking to my father. My father began raping and otherwise sexually abusing my older sister and I in infancy. While he's mellowed out a bit with age, ours and his, he still says and does inappropriate things occasionally. Talking to him makes me sick and ge makes my skin crawl. Tonight he called me and before I saw who it was I had already answered. Oops... I could hear in his voice that he knew I was avoiding him as I haven't called in a couple of weeks and I was rushing him off the phone.
At some point I will have to give some sort of explanation and I have no clue what to say. I contributed him several years ago and he denied it all. Thus that sort of confrontation is not really useful now. I need wisdom. I can only avoid him for so long.
Jordache, no matter what your dad did to you while you were growing up you are somebody and don't never forget that. I read your letter and you hit the nail right on the head. Don't back off. You make sure he gets that letter. He needs to fully understand the wrong that he did to you so that he can feel the hurt that he cause you and not only ask God to forgive him but to beg you for forgiveness. God will forgive him and I know you will too. It's going to be harder for you but do it for Jesus. God bless you and I pray that God will show you the path for you to follow and that he will give you the wisdom to follow it.
 
A

Avidan

Guest
#17
Jordache, no matter what your dad did to you while you were growing up you are somebody and don't never forget that. I read your letter and you hit the nail right on the head. Don't back off. You make sure he gets that letter. He needs to fully understand the wrong that he did to you so that he can feel the hurt that he cause you and not only ask God to forgive him but to beg you for forgiveness. God will forgive him and I know you will too. It's going to be harder for you but do it for Jesus. God bless you and I pray that God will show you the path for you to follow and that he will give you the wisdom to follow it.

Agreed. Great letter. People in sin have to be convicted of sin, it's how they learn how to stand on Christ. They can't be convicted unless someone tells them their wrong, and they can't find their way out unless they know that there's something they need to get out of. They can't see the Light of Christ unless they know that the darkness they are in is truly darkness and not the light they think it is.

When the waves and winds of recourse from their fruit (listening and acting upon Satan's leading) come up against God's perfect standard of flawless Love... there's no where else to go but Christ, or pride. Life or death.

I pray that your old dad finds your Father the LORD through all of this and stands on His Son rather than his own pride. I pray that he is reborn into a father of nations in Christ, as a sharp threshing instrument in the LORD's hands.

In Jesus Name, Amen.
 

pickles

Senior Member
Apr 20, 2009
14,479
182
63
#18
Jordache, it is not easy to confront people about thier behavior. Something tells me he does not know how to love any other way. You do need to tell him how you feel. Because he will not grow as a person if you just cut him off. If you pray and ask God for the right words, he will help you to tell your father in love and truth. If you put it in a letter, he can go back to it and reread it when he cools down.
He will be hurt when he first reads it, but if he loves and respects you, he will want to change how he treats you. I will be praying as God leads me. Keep us updated... love and care, Shekaniah
Writing a letter was the answer given in prayers as well.
Good confermation here. :)
When you are able, send a letter forgiving him as well.
You and all your family are in my prayers in Jesus for His help and healing in this.

Hugs and God bless
pickles
 

pickles

Senior Member
Apr 20, 2009
14,479
182
63
#19
Jordache, good letter!
God Our Father is a perfect Father, He will bring all that was robbed from you , returned and made perfect!
He did for me, I know He will for you. :)

Hugs and God bless
pickles
 
A

Avidan

Guest
#20
Jordache, good letter!
God Our Father is a perfect Father, He will bring all that was robbed from you , returned and made perfect!
He did for me, I know He will for you. :)

Hugs and God bless
pickles
Agreeing in prayer with everyone here for you, in Jesus Name, Amen.




Jesus loves you!!!!!