So sick of this

Im so sick of being screwed up. I know I'm on a healing road, and at this point I've discovered one other part of me. My life was traumatic to say the least, so I have lots of little me's roaming around my head. A few weeks ago I discovered a little 2-yr-old me that really hates herself. Now I think I've uncovered a new one. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe she stems froms a mother who was constantly berating herself physically and comparing herself to others, as well as complaining that my dad isn't love her because of (fill in the blank). And a porn addicted incestuous pedophile father who paid no attention to me as I grew up, had not an ounce of affirmation in him, and groped women in public. Just to be clear, I'm speaking metaphorically. I do not have multiple personalities.
The 2-yr-old brings cutting, scratching, and banging with her. This older one brings an eating disorder. Food is scary right now. I unintentionally stopped eating enough. I suppose it was subconscious, but it has been going on for about a month. I also started purging with laxatives, though I wasn't really aware of what I was doing with that either. I realized when I felt weak that I had completely fallen back into anorexia and not even seen it. It scared me more that it happened withoute being aware. My brain is not functioning right now. Eating means potentially gaining weight. It scares me. I force myself to eat. I stopped taking laxatives when I realized what I was doing. I have been doing ok at least outwardly, but my brain is really screwed up. I am now conscious of what I'm doing, and eating has a lot of control over me. Today was my first slip up in a few days. I had to get a ride to an interview and the person I was with decided he wanted to hang out at the church for hours, but I was starving since I hadn't eaten much that morning. I had to eat what was at the church and it was the worst feeling in the world. I tried to induce vomitting which didn't work, so I doubled laxatives and walked 10 miles in the dark. I know this is illogical. I'm trying to hold on, but I'm rolling down this hill and I can't steer.

Jordache, I'm sorry to hear of your problems. I can't help you, of course, but I know who can. Were you asking for advice, or just venting? You can message me, if you want to. God bless, JIM

I am a devoted Christian who serves God faithfully. I do go to a very good church when I am constantly serving and ministering. I am on the worship team. Worship is what keeps me alive. I do childcare for various events. I'm the substitute secretary. I help with many ministries. And I have a close community. At this point I am working on my relationships with women. I do have some, but my relationship with two pastors is very close. I am new to this depth of healing so everything is very raw. I do not feel hopeless as I have before. I'm just not completely on top of things. I do read scripture and pray. I write in my journal. I see a counselor. So I'm not alone.

And honestly, I'm not so worried about God accepting me. I know God judges the heart and not the outward appearance, but men are not so gracious often.

Do you have one or two close Christian female friends? They could probably be good support system.

One thing that helps me with eating is to keep a daily food diary. I have the opposite problem than you do but this can also help any eating disorder I think. Write down everything and it's estimated calorie intake...you should have at least 1500 calories a day though 2300 would probably be better for your age. Weigh yourself everyday (the same time every day, like in the morning before you have breakfast)...to make sure you're maintaining a proper weight. Numbers don't lie so you can't talk yourself into believing something that isn't true

Are you taking supplements? A multivitamin would be a good idea. Glad to hear you stopped the laxatives...these can wash out some vital nutrients and make you feel terrible!

Praying for you

go seek medical help by a pshycologist

I have a therapist Lexie.

Yes, I have women friends, but try don't quite understand. Thus far they treat it like its no big deal... "just stop.". It's that easy, but it's not. I think if I pay too close attention to what I'm eating it may turn out badly. I tried to track what I was eating and then it became a challenge to myself over how
low I could make my caloric limit. This is fairly inaccurate, but as far as I can tell I've been eaton about 1,200 on a really good day. Usually it's below. My diet has been very blah because I just have no interest in cooking. So I make a smoothie with bananas, strawberries, almond milk, and coconut yogurt. Then at lunch, if I eat it's probably either oven roasted red and Yukon gold potatoes with olive oil or baked potatoes. Then for dinner recently I've had an artichoke which is my favorite food in the world. In addition I walk a lot. It's not as much as I use to, but I try to walk at least 5 miles a day. I do weigh myself every morning. The problem with that is that your weigh fluctuates a lot for various reasons. I'm constantly swinging 5 lbs when there's no way I gained or lost that much. I also measure.
I should be taking vitamins, but I don't do it regularly.
I stopped sort of. Yesterday was a bad day because I had no control over what I could eat. I ate the last bit of my brown rice for breakfast and then by lunch time I was starving. However, I was with a friend who decided he wanted to spend hours at the church so all I had to eat was their leftover Chinese food. I knew I didn't want to eat it, but by 3:30 I had no choice. So while I was eating it I just felt like I was doing the worst thin in the world, like I'd just let myself down and I was a disappointment. I came home and tried to force vomit which didn't work because it'd been too long since I ate. So I doubled laxatives, and then went on a 10 mile walk.

Chinese food is not very healthy but at least it has calories in it. You need to stop seeing calories as evil things

Your body needs calories to keep it running. You probably already know this but can't seem to overcome some habits of thinking. Try to meet the challenge of acquiring calories instead of getting rid of them . Some exercise is good of course but you're trying to undo the good you received from eating.

Finding an accountability partner would be good. If you want, I'll be your accountability partner...you have to be totally honest It may be better for your acct. partner to be nearby though.

Throw out your laxatives. Food is meant to stay in your body awhile or the nutrients are wasted and you're going to have vitamin deficiencies.

Yes, your weight fluctuates over the day but you can use a morning weigh time, before breakfast, as your basic weight. And don't keep trying to decrease it. What is the correct weight that you should be?

I will talk to someone on Sunday for accountability. That is my plan. My weight fluctuates even when I weigh at the same time everday. I always weigh somewhere between 142 and 147. What is healthy for me? Well, I'm muscular and medium to large framed. My lowest adult weight was 127 lbs. I feel like I'm trying to get as low as I can without being to small, but I know I will always want to be smaller.

Hugs Jordache, you continue in my prayers in Jesus for all the streangth, comfort and healing you need.

God bless you and hugs again.
pickles

Say "I like myself" 100 times a day for a year

first of, body weight is individual, and it will depend, for instance, on how muscular you are.
I dont know american measurements, but if you are unsure, PLEASE ask a professional

there are "BMI calculators" online that give a rough estimate of what is healthy

Also remember: Execise is good, but not if you do it so much it makes you sick (just a warning, many overdo it when trying to loose weight)