Healing from se*ual ab*se...need prayers and suggestions...**may be highly triggering

My name is Milagra

This is very difficult for me because for years i have felt like this is all my fault. It all started when I was five years old. It started as just verbal indications and then it led to touching and fondling by my uncle. He told me that it was okay because he loved me and that thats how we show someone we loved them.

this fondling and oral abuse went on for 3 years until the first time he raped me. I tried to scream but he banged my head onto the tub. when i woke up, 2hrs had passed and I was dressed laying in a bed. I was in so much pain that i could hardly move. No one noticed anything. i felt like it was my fault. later that same day he came into my room again this time with his pants droped and then he raped me.. He continued to do this for what seemed like an eternity. I tried to block it all out but i couldnt. I tried to move, but then he pulled a knife out on me and cut me and told me he would kill me if i tried to move or scream again. then he got up and ran bath water and scrubbed me til the water in the tub was red. I was in so much pain but i couldnt tell anyone bc it was my fault he told me. He told me that i sedduced him. this continued about 3 times a week all the way until i was 19 years old.

I can remeber on my graduation when I was 17 years old i had a graduation party. I told my mom that i didnt want to invite my family, but she never questioned why and invited them anyway. He showed up and I tried to stay away from him but it didnt work. I was in my bathroom and when i came out i got hit on top of the head and was very dizzy but still coherant. He had a gun this time and said if i made a noise he would tie my mom up and rape me in front of her and then kill her and make me cut her repeatedly. I didnt scream and I didnt move. He raped me over and over and when i tried to leave my home he told me i was restricted. No one even caught that comment.

on June 7,2009, my mom told me that we were going to move in my grandmothers house where he lived. I couldnt bear it anymore. I left her and called my godmom and she told me that i had 4hrs to tell my mom. so i emailed my mom saying i needed to talk to her when she got home, but she made me tell her then. She hung up on me. I feel so alone and so guilty and dirty. I have tried SI but it only gets worst. I am so confused.... Please help me...any advice is appreciated

thanks merryheart.....

thanks denise for the encouragement. I just really dont know what to feel anymore. I pray about it daily, I dont understand my feelings. sometimes i feel like maybe I asked for it or something. I cant stay in any relationship. I am easily frightened, I cant stand to even be touched. It hurts so bad, but even then when my grandmother doesnt believe me, it feels so much worst. Like its happening all over again or something....I have flashbacks and nightmares all throughout the day. I am trying therapy but its bringing up so many memories......I use to question why God let it happen, but I come to the realization that he gave everyone free will and my uncle just took advantage of his. I feel like I have nothing to give my husband if and when i get married. I saved myself for him but the whole time gave myself to my uncle...Im really confused...

wow i know how you feel honestly. this isnt your fault at all. you are in my prayers and i hope that you will be ok, remember what ever we go through isnt from God it is the devil, of you ever need anythin and i am in the chat dont be afraid to pm me i am always willing to talk.

you did the right thing by telling someone i never did that, and i have had the same thing happen to me with the flash backs but that is the devil just say in Jesus name be gone from me and leave me be then the devil has to leave

you are so right armystrong..and truly your name depicts you..

Hi.You are very brave and have courage to tell us your circumstance on here. I am shocked that noone beleives you. Only you know its true. When ever we get attacked or threatened with abuse or being ill treated it stays with us. Only people that have been through such trment understand how you feel. Firstly start to love youirself and beleive that you are worth everything. GOD is with you always. You have made your first step by coming on here.People here will support you. Go to a doctor who will check you and give yoiu medication if you need it. Also telll the police, this is so important. This man needs punishing for what he has done. At some time people that do wrong and know they are doing wrong, it will always come back to them!

your uncle is an evil man,and what he did to you was totally wrong, how dare he take away what should have been your husband, but once you start fiding love for yourself and unleash the emotions of that violations you will start to respect yourself and love yourself a whole lot more, my sexual abuse counsellor told me that this sexual information at such an early age was not right for you to learn which you grew up thinking thisd was normal and apart of life, its not what should be apart of your childhood knowledge, have you tryed to find prayer strategies that you can pray in warfare for this for sexual and spiritual abuse, it did wonders for me years ago,i hope that oneday that those people in your family will open there eyes to what kind of deviate your uncle is and that they will own this with you,

Hello mandy,

thanks for the feedback. great to know I have support. My mom believes me but maybe still in some sort of shock because my abuser was family. I have went to the doctor because I have had many problems because of it. and its documented, because of the extent of the abuse I was left with many scars resulting from being cut and burned down there and also having fragments left from the broom which he used taken out. My doctor has been totally supportive of this process with me thus far and im so grateful for her. However this therapy seems like its kicking my butt. I see in the other post you mentioned that you hope I am geniune. To answer that yes, I am not afraid anymore to say what has happend to me, after being silent for so many years. the flashbacks and nightmares i have are as vivid as if it were happening the very moment.. I know I couldnt give myself these memories. thanks again for your support also.

Hello collective,

I am in the process now of recieving counseling from a christian pychologist...which thank God is a plus for me. My doctor also prays with me and gives me prayers of warfare as well as my pastor. I am trying and I decree that it is already won. How are you in your process, if i may add. Did u find any techniques useful to cope with symptoms of ptsd. For instance for me its the constant flashbacks and hypervigilance etc...

Ay Milagra,

I don't have any words of my own to comfort you in the aftermath of such a horrible situation and I don't presume to speak for God. However, when Jesus's freind Lazaruz died, we are told that, "Jesus wept", and surely Chirst weeps with you now. He wept, he weeps, even though he knew/knows all would/will be put right. Weep with him Milagra and know that even more than you, he wants to make you whole.

Take care Milagra

God bless you William,

And many thanks for the inspiring words. i will hold dear to me...

Milagra

Hi Milagra,

I am very sorry about what happened to you. I pray for healing and peace for you.

My husband has PTSD also, and I came across a wonderful forum for ptsd sufferers (and their "carer's", anyone who lives with or is impacted by a relationship with someone with PTSD). The site is heavily moderated so as to protect its members and there are people on the site from all over the world -- the founders are from Australia themselves.

If it is okay with you, I would like to send you the forum website via a private message. I just wanted to ask you first before I do that so as to not invade your privace. If it's okay, just respond here, and I will send the website.

~ Lauren

hi there, i'm deeply moved. it really hurts to know their are many others of your kind out their but hey no matter remember God gives beauty for ashes. He has done to many others in the past you will not be an exception. I'm glad you are quite open with the situation you are in a healing process actually. No matter what keep on looking on to christ for He loves you so much and will restore to you the years that the locust have destroyed during your youth He will do that 10 times more. Praying for you........whatever actions you may want to take, make sure they put a smile on God,s face.
luv mercie

Hello Lauren,

Thanks so much for the support and yes it is okay to send the message.. thank you for respecting my privacy..

Mercie,

Thanks so much, I used to think God only frowned when he thought of me because I dont believe I could cause him to smile after what I did with my uncle...It is really hard for me and I am really confused about everything..

Thanks so much for the prayers. Please continue to pray

Milagra

You're welcome. I will send you a p.m. shortly. I just want to add that all the things that you are feeling are to be expected from someone who's been through what you've been through. On the website I mentioned, you will see the same feelings and emotions expressed over and over by people that have endured trauma - guilt, feeling that you are somehow to blame, having your feelings invalidated by people that you tell. I am hoping that it might help you to not feel so alone in this.

Look for my p.m. shortly.

Lauren

Hi Milagra. I've been there. I was molested by my brother for a couple years. It started when I was 9 and I knew it wasn't right but I didn't stop him cause I was scared he would beat me up I guess. I never spoke of it to anyone for a long time. I tried to bury the feelings and bad dreams with gallons of alcohol which gave me another problem. Alcoholisim. The healing was not at the bottom of a bottle or in me being filled with hate. I only just talked about this a year or two ago and again when I went to rehab in february. It's not your fault and it will heal but it will take time. I love that you are doing this healing with God cause he is the only one who can truely heal you. I see that there are many people here who have gone through the same thing and we all agree that God is the only way to true healing. If you're ever in chat and I'm there feel free to pm me at anytime. Keep me posted on how you are. Any questions you want to ask feel free. I'll be an open book for you. Take care and God bless you.

Amen Reborn, same here, except it wasn't a brother, none the less, it happened to me as well....I didn't get into drinking or anything either, I got off very easy/blessed...I'm also here if anyone needs to talk, I'm an open book myself. God bless y'all.

yes Malagra I had flash backs all my life, its something i lived with,and a big part of me thought this was all normal,until recently i have been coming to terms with it, I recently wos horrified about the genital warts that i contracted when i was 6 yrs old that it was only through sexual contact, then i asked why didnt the adults (my motherwho kept alot of the information secret from my father and the hospital when getting my warts burnt off) in the early 80s surrounding my cause do something about it with thje police instead of ignoring it only for it to continue until the age of 12, and why did i keep going to the offenders house?I should be able to go over to an adults house who i thought i enjoyed being around and not have my body interfered with, it was because i was constantly getting teased at school and had no friends or a family that cared to understand,this is where i get the blame, now im angry that this happened because of other people and their neglect for me,even though i didnt make it a secret to people i now am ordering through the fredom of information the hospital records dating back to when it happened, and also have made a statement to the police about every detail that happened to me, God is with the poilice too, so i need to go through counselling and will get justice for this crime against me, Im worth it and so are you, you dont need to just hold it yourself and just pray, you also need to stand up for you, not wait until you finish trying to get healed by that time your uncle is dead and he got to live life free like as if he didnt do anything, his reprobate conscience is his judgement but also there are earthly justice that needs to be brought to your light too, God is on your side but need to be on your side too, you will be able to heal alot better too i believe knowing that he will never do those things again to you, firstly and to any body else,those flahback and memories are parts of your heat that need to get exposed tyalked about and with Gods grace healing. God bless you and i hope that yo will truly heal,you need to to heal sexually as it isnt dirty when you marry, and i hope that oneday you will find that that to be true in your marraige,
as for the prayer strategies google fruitful vine ministries yvonne kitchen melbourne Australia, they have prayer strategy manuals for all types of spiitual warfare,maybe you can contact them for a brochure, when i got into the spiritual abuse warfare i noticed the tomboy part of me was being dominished that the abuse left behind and i became feminine, i had reports from church that i was changing, which was also good also, i did them because my friend owned them, that was years ago now

this is all very very sad, To see how many people this kind of thing has effected.