J
I am new to this accepting that anyone would be attracted to me thing. It's really strange for me. I kind of feel like a pre-adolescent girl going through puberty. I just really don't know how men see me, I guess. Other than the physical, I think I have a lot to offer. I am loving, kind, nurturing, serving, perservering, and desire to honor God more than anything. I have a worshippers heart. I love the Lord with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I want more than anything to bring glory to God and to follow the path He has laid out for my life... but everyday life gets in the way. When I mention this issue with how men see me to men, I get blown off because they think it's rediculous that I wouldn't expect it. When I mention it to women, they just don't understand how hard it is. They just tell me there's not much I can do about it. Whatever beauty God put in me, I want to glorify God in it. But there is a lot of shame there. I feel like it is only healthy for me to dress like a woman, to dress femininely, to have fun with my clothes... and I genuinely love chosing clothes. I like style. I like colors. I like fabrics. This is a very new thing for me. It's only since my husband left that I feel like I deserve to treat myself beautifully. But I've had a few run-ins. In a previous job, my bos was always out to get me. I dressed conservatively but apparently not enough for her. Despite there being other girls there who showed inches of cleavage, I was always reprimanded. One day she even took me home and made me change twice. She actually told me, "Jordi, you're just too curvy." I can't hide what the good Lord gave me. I like to think my future husband may greatly appreciate it. I have since lost 40 lbs, but the curves have only been better defined. I enjoy looking like a woman, but the attention leaves me feeling uneasy. Tonight I was at a party at a male friends house. It was a large group of us. When it was just us in the kitchen, he mentioned that I was allowed only to look smoking hot at my birthday party. Then his roommates entered in. One roommate just stood there and staired with his jaw dropped. The other passed by the two people my friend was introducing him to and came right to meet me. It was so obvious it was funny. Later, as we were looking through pictures from my birthday party that my friend had taken, I came across a picture where I was holding up a dress that I got as a gift. It was the same dress as I was wearing. There were about 8 of us and my friend said, "Yeah, that looks like a shirt to me. I didn't know what it was going to look like on." Another chirpped, "Yeah, when you hold it up it doesn't tell you what it looks like on curves." Then the other said, "Yeah, they should include on the tag 'Curves not included'" It was flattering to say the least, but I'm really confused as to how to respond. Comments like that pull at my heart because I want to feel beautiful. I want to be confident, but I just feel eh most of the time. I want to understand how men see me not because I want to drag out their compliments, but because I feel I may have shortchanged myself. I know I have so much more to offer than my appearance, but it's hard when I just feel kind of cute, and I feel like some guys kind of drop their jaw when I walk into a room.
All in all I just want to honor God. I want to feel beautiful on the outside and the inside. I don't want to be shocked when people compliment me. My first reaction is "who are you looking at?" but I'd rather just be grateful and accepting, and not shocked by it.
All in all I just want to honor God. I want to feel beautiful on the outside and the inside. I don't want to be shocked when people compliment me. My first reaction is "who are you looking at?" but I'd rather just be grateful and accepting, and not shocked by it.
