Christian Husband tells me he doesnt want to be married anymore.

faithful1960 · Dec 9, 2012

Sure could use prayer.. I married 8 years ago.. to a man who I believed to be my gift from God. I really thought we did it right.. 1 year after we were married.. drinking starting, his mom tells me he was an alcoholic before we met.. but I had no clue for the year before we married.. it got worse over the years. but he was a functioning alcoholic.. he has brought me a long way in my spiritual walk.. Caring loving man.. who walked the walk.. with the exception of the beer drinking... then the drinking increased over time.. over the last year.. he was able to get free beer through his work.. and he stated it was a gift from God.. stepping away more and more from spiritual things.. bible reading rare.. and wasnt even really wanting to go to church anymore... then one night a few weeks ago he stays up drinking really heavy.. and tells me he didnt want to be married.. I asked him when he decided that.. and the shock hit me.. he said before we married.. I said "Why did you marry me"? he said he thought it was Gods will.. but has been miserable since.. that he's always been a loner and never wants any relationship... He said he tried.. and he cried. he said he loved me but was not in love with me. He said he has never been in love with anyone. And would never have a relationship again. Told me I was his best friend.. and was afraid to lose that.. Said all he wanted for years and years was just to die and be with the Lord. My world is upside down.. we didnt even argue.. His father was an alcoholic and his mom a devout christian.. who stood by his dad.. she gave me strenght to get through.. the realization he was an alcoholic.. something he promised before marriage I would never ever have to worry about.. I am lost.. I cant seem to find in the bible.. where a man abandons his wife.. because.. he wants to be alone.. anyway.. needed to vent.. Im so devistated.. I am 52.. this was my second marriage.. my 1st was to a man for 22 years.. who was an alcoholic, and cheated.. and I dealt with it all.. until he made passes at my sons Wife.. it was too much to bear.. I left.. would appreciate.. any christian advice as to where do I go from here.. I pray alot.. read my bible.. try to find some happiness.. I dont have a lot.. a small place.. that is paid for I am so thankful and a part time job that supports me.. I am so thankful for these things. but so lost as to why this is all happening to me.. My decision to marry this man.. was because I believed it was Gods will.. I prayed about it for quite sometime before I got married.. I remember one prayer before I married him.. I was on my knees.. talking to my Father.. saying i would rather be alone all my life.. rather than marrying someone out of His will for me.. I didnt want to do it my way, I wanted only Gods will for me and believed truly that it was his will for me to marry this man.. ..

HeavenlyWarrior · Dec 9, 2012

Warm greetings, dear Faithful, I am very sorry to hear about your situation.The hardest part about a marriage is that one seems to always find out -- After the Fact-- about their partner but by then it may be too late. It must be very difficult for you right now, dear, and I completely sympathize with your plight. The most difficult thing is when someone tells you that they want to be alone, that they prefer that and that it is over. Those very words can bring shock waves of realism surging through one, in and out. However, honesty is the best policy always even though it may be bitter news to hear while still being married. But the alternative, to live a lie, cannot ever be a good thing.

When someone wants out of a relationship it is difficult to try to talk them out of it as their mind may be pretty well set on it. And one can never totally change a person such as to mold them into what you want for them to be. It does not work that way. They have to make that commitment for their sake first and then for their partner if they are still in love. And while life was not meant to be lived alone it is far worse to remain with one whose love has died or that it may not have existed in the first place. That is why some churches annul the marriage vows so as to avoid the suffering and discontent under the circumstances.

The good news is that you are obviously a good woman and still young. No one knows the future and how it will turn up. It could be that things work out for the better should you two be able to remain married. If things can truly not go on then prayer is the KEY to moving forward in life. But when you say it was God's will that you two came together and then this happened, you must know and understand that one cannot blame God for that. You see God may sure enough allow these things to come to pass but they are for a reason. That reason may be so that one or both partners can gravitate even closer to Him after finding out they really need Him in a situation such as this.

So, consider it a part of life, difficult as it may be. It is not the end of the world even though you may think so at this point in time. Tomorrow is another day and things can change. But if they don't, know that those who love from the heart will surely find love from another loving heart along the way! When both people are strong Christians, then that Love can only flourish but HONESTY must be the policy not only for the day but for the rest of the relationship. One must always be up front with their partner about their expectations, ways of being, hopes and desires for the future. When those elements are missing from a relationship, then consider it a Red Flag waving in the wind.

May God help you and be with you and if your relationship can be saved (and I truly hope it can be), then may God bring the two of you together again harmoniously. If that is not possible, then know that God is still with you and you can always turn to Him because even though you may not understand why things happened, it is not God's fault. Life has its sweet as well as its bitter surprises. But God will always be with you to help you along the way and would never give you more than you can bear.

May God bless you and keep you safe and sound, and help to bring you Joy and avoid future disappointments. My prayers are with you, dearest Child of God.

damombomb · Dec 9, 2012

I am praying for you . mabe its just the alcohol talking. If he were sober hed probly rethink what he said , also will be praying for
him and restoration. Thank you Father for peace and strength for her in Jesus name

pickles · Dec 10, 2012

Faithful, my heart and prayers are with you in Jesus.
Sometimes, the answers lay deep in the heart of the person lost, and they probably cannot answer them their self, simply because they are blinded by the injury , addiction or fear.
Jesus can save your husband, scripture does speak to remaining with the spouce, as your faith may be what will help them.
But if He wants to leave, all one can do is let them, and give them to God Our Father.
Im so sorry you are having to go through this pain, and also sad for your husband, as he must be very lost right now.
You both are in my prayers in Jesus Christ is Lord come in the flesh.
For you, the streangth, comfort , wisdom and perfect unending love of Jesus to get through this.
For your husband, that Jesus will reach his heart, and all that is the healing and perfect love of Jesus will renew his faith, and remove his addiction to drinking, bringing healing to the root of why he drinks.
And hopefully, bring both your hearts desire.

Huge hugs and God bless
pickles

Matt37777 · Dec 10, 2012

Maybe what you could do is try and encourage him to go to AA meetings? Just tell him that rather than getting a divorce, just give him some space. And just be his friend. Then maybe after he's had his space he'll miss you and come back to his senses. He really needs to go to aa though I think.

faithful1960 · Dec 10, 2012

I so appreciate each and every reply.. each touched my heart that you all cared enough to take the time to pray for my situation..

To HeavenlyWarrior: Something you said. really hit me : You see God may sure enough allow these things to come to pass but they are for a reason. That reason may be so that one or both partners can gravitate even closer to Him after finding out they really need Him in a situation such as this.
I have thought on this.. I raise my 11 year old Grandson and have been concerned for him with the very Heavy drinking in the house.. Plus an element I did not mention earlier.. My husband began to smoke this stuff called spice.. its like a fake pot but gives you a high.. I was so concerned for his health, and although he wouldnt do it around my grandson, you could smell it on him when he would enter.. I am really pursuing spiritual things more.. since all this, and do have relief that I dont have to come home to a husband that is drunk and high all the time.. Although he lives next door on an adjoining acre in a camper and comes over alot etc, I have taken back my space. and the Beer is out of the house.. Anyway.. My mother inlaw who really loves me.. she said I saved her son.. well before he left me anyway.. she tells me We dont always see Gods plan.. sometimes there is a bigger picture.. I just feel I have failed.. and am so concerned... about my failure before my Father. and am scared all at the same time..

To Matt37777, My husband is a very prideful man... which conerns me.

He has one christian friend.. who is also an alcoholic but goes to AA, he has tired to get my husband to go to AA with no success.. My husband always says hes covered by Grace.. and isnt worried about his drinking.. hes covered by Grace when he leaves this marriage.. Although I know we are covered by grace.. I have enough reverential fear to not want to make decisions in life. to assume I am covered by grace.. Anyway.. Since he is living next door in a camper.. on the other acre we have. I have tried very hard.. swallowing every bit of pride, anger etc that may want to surface.. and have been kind. knowing he is really going through something in life.. I have allowed him to eat with us at mealtime. knowing he wont have much if I dont offer.. I want to hope that maybe one day he will wake up and see. what he is giving up. but dont count on anything.. I have purposely chosen kindness.. fight evil with good theory.. I guess its one day at a time.. but I have been given much comfort from the replys even if just for today. its an up and down emotional struggle... thanks you so much and if anyone has any christian advise for me I will keep checking in and read it.. God Bless you all.

damombomb · Dec 10, 2012

Id would put this situation in Gods hands and let him work. Some situations are overwhelming.With 3 boys i had to learn how to trust god
no matter what it looked like. I had to put them in his hands and let go, emotionally, all the way around. If worry came up i had to say
thank you father for what your doing, ect, if we are trusting the Lord we have to let him work, if we have our hands in it, we try and do it
ourself. Once i was praying, fasting, going to the alter for my husband, got tired of it and said Lord i am throwing in the towel. The Lord
spoke to me and said oh your gonna let me have it now. The minute I did the Lord did a quick work in his life.
Storms are rough, but that is how we learn to trust the Lord even more and stand still and see the glory of the Lord
Bless you today with joy unspeakable and the peace of God that passes all understanding

HeavenlyWarrior · Dec 10, 2012

faithful1960 said:

I so appreciate each and every reply.. each touched my heart that you all cared enough to take the time to pray for my situation..

To HeavenlyWarrior: Something you said. really hit me : You see God may sure enough allow these things to come to pass but they are for a reason. That reason may be so that one or both partners can gravitate even closer to Him after finding out they really need Him in a situation such as this.
I have thought on this.. I raise my 11 year old Grandson and have been concerned for him with the very Heavy drinking in the house.. Plus an element I did not mention earlier.. My husband began to smoke this stuff called spice.. its like a fake pot but gives you a high.. I was so concerned for his health, and although he wouldnt do it around my grandson, you could smell it on him when he would enter.. I am really pursuing spiritual things more.. since all this, and do have relief that I dont have to come home to a husband that is drunk and high all the time.. Although he lives next door on an adjoining acre in a camper and comes over alot etc, I have taken back my space. and the Beer is out of the house.. Anyway.. My mother inlaw who really loves me.. she said I saved her son.. well before he left me anyway.. she tells me We dont always see Gods plan.. sometimes there is a bigger picture.. I just feel I have failed.. and am so concerned... about my failure before my Father. and am scared all at the same time..

Thank you for your feedback, Faithful. The atmosphere that you described was obviously a very toxic one and one where God was needed to intervene and help eradicate it through His Divine Love and Mercy.

And you see, even your Mother-in-law has praised you for helping her son! Therefore, you do not have to feel that you have 'failed' in anything. Quite the opposite, I think you have gotten the ball in motion so that he realizes his mistake and hopefully will act to correct it. So, once again, you have not failed as God has been with you.

Remember that all is going according to God's plans! Be blessed in knowing that and may God continue to bless you and guide you as you move forward with your life.

webchatter · Dec 10, 2012

I have prayed for you dear, & I'm sure God has better things in store for you than sharing your life with an alcoholic. Please don't blame yourself!! You can put 100% into a marriage, but if the other person prefers to drink more than they are currently drinking or taking drugs etc, a family stands in their way. The only way you would probably still be together, is if you allowed him to drink & smoke all he wanted in the home.
I hope you have considered your legal pitfalls. If your husband had an accident while intoxicated, & hurt someone physically, & if you two own a home together, they injured party could sue him. If the vehicle he was driving is also in your name, double whammy. So they could win in court & put a lien on your home. You would never be able to sell it for any equity profit, & they may be able to sue you if you let him drive a car also in your name when you knew he's been drinking.
I would get him to sign a "quit claim deed" you can bring home & get notorized or do it at the courthouse, whatever the laws are in your area. That way you can't be sued & keep your home,no matter what he does, if you file it at the courthouse. I think that letting him live nearby & feeding him is making the situation just as he prefers, which could go on forever. You are" enabling" him, while he sets a bad example. Sorry, but it's hard to see when you've struggled so long taking care of him & kids, etc etc. Learn how to stop taking care of him please. I pray for you to have peace. Maybe God wants to show you how a Godly man can treat you. In Jesus' name I pray.

faithandlove · Dec 10, 2012

You know, God gives us our 'free will' to do as we please, even if it's not the right thing to do. When you asked God about this marriage to this man, did you get an answer????

I'm not here to point the finger, rub nothing in, nothing like that. I wouldn't do that. I know what you're going through. Still, this mans' wanting to leave, more than likely has nothing to do with you. He is probably battling his own demons and at the moment, they are getting the best of him.

Try to focus your attention on God as best you can. All things happen for a reason. The good and the bad.

I will pray for you and your husband. Stay focused.

GBU

AgeofKnowledge · Dec 10, 2012

My advice to you may be different than what you are expecting. I would advise you to become involved in a Celebrate Recovery codependent support group and begin your own improvement.

His alcoholism is not your fault and recovery from it is his responsiblity whether or not the marriage continues.

In your new support group, you will learn a great many things. One of the things that you will learn is that you can pray for him, support him in his own recovery, and perhaps even influence him in that direction BUT you cannot fix him.

Here is a Celebrate Recovery group finder. It's time to get started. Keep us advised of your progress.

GroupFinder | Celebrate Recovery

faithful1960 · Dec 10, 2012

Wow.. I am so thankful for all the words coming my way.. things to think about..

HeavenlyWarrior.. God Speaks through people sometimes.. you have given me wise things to think on.. wondering.. if he is talking to me through you.. silly me..

WebChatter.. thank you for your insight.. things happened so fast.. he wanted to walk away from everything but had no place to go.. we had adjoining acres.. he gave me the little place and I gave him the other acre.. he is trying to be kind. I was concerned.. but also concerned that if it got worse he would change his mind.. If I didnt have this child to raise I wouldnt of worried.. but because he was getting deeper and deeper into his highs.. when he offered.. he went down to the court and we both did a quit claim.. on his one acre and him gving me this small place on one acre. It took a little worry off me.. thank you so much..

Faithand Love.. before I married.. I did ask God.. since he left I have cried many tears.. of why.. asking for forgiveness in prayer. .. thinking on all the things.. I could of done.. and truthfully.. for months. I tried so hard not to judge him.. it only got worse if I spoke of it.. but last month on two occasions I brought it to his attention that i was worried for the child in the home.. the example.. I always think God hates divorce. and being female.. and I just got rejected.. you kinda want to blame yourself. Ive asked Hm in my prayers what I did wrong.. wanting whatever to surface so I could see.. wishing my husband would just tell me what I did.. but all he said.. is he needs to be alone.. I gave him space.. so much space.. I guess you think in your mind.. if you do it Gods way.. it will work... but it didnt. . its a hard road. and satin being the accuser of the brethren.. has blinded me for a minute.

ageofknowledge they dont have that little group up here im up in the mountains.. in az, I have thought about the alonon thing .. I think a support group can be helpful.. I got some alonon books a while back and read a bit and realized we are all accountable for what we do who we are.. and even.. how we react.. to situations we have no control over..

Any way.. thanks so much to each of you.. as I sit here on my little computer.. realizing.. even when it hurts inside.. there are wonderful christians all over. who can make you feel better when this ole world wants to throw a few dagers your way.. thanks again.. sorry its so lengthy..

Blain · Dec 10, 2012

i have some scriptures i need to show you, they are from my book called gods promises for everyday life. there are so many i found that can give you hope but i will try to keep it short for you:] what to do when you feel discouraged : john14:1 jesus said don't let your hearts be troubled. trust in god and trust in me. Galatians6:9 we must not become tired of doing good. we will receive our harvest of eternal life at the right time if we do not give up. this one here has helped me in the past as you read this know this isn't me helping you it is god speaking to you.1peter 4:12-13 my friends, do not be surprised at the terrible trouble which now comes to test you. do not think something strange is happening to you. but be happy that you are sharing in christ's suffering's so that you will be happy and full of joy when christ comes again in glory. what to do when nothing seems to be going right- Psalm 27:14 wait for the lords help. be strong and brave, and wait for the lords help. believe me right now things are hard for you but god promised things will get better if you trust him. although you are doing fantastic because you are showing this man kindness even with how much you hurt. that's how i know your life is going to be plentiful and i know god is bragging about you right now. pm me any time also i will post more scriptures to help you seriously though i am proud to be a christian because of you and you have brought much glory and honor to god and his name

shirley · Dec 10, 2012

wow sounds like da juva all over again i went through exactly what your going through my husband use to beat me he was an alcholic and so was his parents my dad phsyically abused me n beat me ; i was married when i was 16 to this day he drinkshard liquir n beer sometimes but he does worse to me he mentally abuses me and he told me he doesnt want me i have ptsd depression im working on getting an apt im so unloved and it hurts ; i really dont know what its like to be loved ; ill keep you in prayer im here if you wanna talk email me ;i know exactally what your going through sister ;

shekaniah · Dec 11, 2012

Faithful1960,

My heart goes out to you and your husband.
My father was an alcoholic...I feel for both of you.
I will pray as God leads my heart.
I think your husband might be feeling unworthy...
God can heal his heart.
Love in Jesus, Shekaniah

faithful1960 · Dec 11, 2012

Thank you so much for your continual support.. I work in the medical field.. and for years was on call night and day.. just recently went part time.. Trying to be a good wife, and a good grandmother to my 11 year old grandson, and the many hours of work and on call.. left me a bit alienated from christian friends.. Then once we were going to this church and things got bad with his drinking. and I needed help for me. so I went to the church.. and asked John if we could get couseling when he found out I went and spoke.. he never wanted to go to that church again..we have moved from church to church trying to find one.. so you cannot immagine.. how alone I fell when my life, the husband that promised he would walk me to heaven.. gives up.. my life was centered around my family.. So this support every single one of you who have taken the time for me.. is so much appreciated.. and it helps so much the emptiness.. that wants to eat at me..

Blain.. thank you for your scriptures.. they are so comforting.. and hopeful.. I need to step out in my area. and get to know other Christians.. My job, until just recently kept me working long hours. and on call 24/7.. there was not time to pursue friendships... that job is what brought me up to this mountain. so my friends are far away.. and my spiritual walk really grew since I came here.. so I dont want to talk to non christian people when times are hard.. I think now is a time to refine my heart.. let God do a work in me.. let anything that shouldnt be there come to the surface.. thanik you again for your scriptures..

Shirley. Sounds like you have had such a hard time too.. I didnt have to deal with the abuse.. but previously in my life.. I have.. I love the scriptures Jeremiah 29:11-13 I like to think he is talking to me.. and to you..

"For I know the plans I have for you,: declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

this really helps me.. I hope it might help you as well.. feeling rejected.. is hard.. and living with an alcoholic is hard.. not only concerned about your own life.. but concerned about there spiritual well being.. thanks shirley for your words..

And thank you Shekaniah for your prayers.. I do think John is feeling unworthy.. he has told me over and over iit has nothing to do with me.. he has said he is damaged goods.. he has cried alot.. this is not a man who crys.. I think he is mixed up.. another reason.. I try to be kind to him.. and pray for him.. I am not sure if he is just confused or turning his back on his faith or what.. but I am gonna just dig into my faith.. I think I am realizing. at 52 years old. people are not dependable.. but My Father is.. trusting in the world hasnt gotten me very far.. But he has changed me over the years.. and I know I have a long way to go.. but after all I have done in my lifetime.. I am so not deserving... but he is still with me.. I know that.. cause I feel his presence in my life.. I believe that he is always with me.. thank you everyone. this was a good place to turn in time of need.. I will have every single one of you in my prayers.. today..

Blain · Dec 11, 2012

faithful1960 said:

Thank you so much for your continual support.. I work in the medical field.. and for years was on call night and day.. just recently went part time.. Trying to be a good wife, and a good grandmother to my 11 year old grandson, and the many hours of work and on call.. left me a bit alienated from christian friends.. Then once we were going to this church and things got bad with his drinking. and I needed help for me. so I went to the church.. and asked John if we could get couseling when he found out I went and spoke.. he never wanted to go to that church again..we have moved from church to church trying to find one.. so you cannot immagine.. how alone I fell when my life, the husband that promised he would walk me to heaven.. gives up.. my life was centered around my family.. So this support every single one of you who have taken the time for me.. is so much appreciated.. and it helps so much the emptiness.. that wants to eat at me..

Blain.. thank you for your scriptures.. they are so comforting.. and hopeful.. I need to step out in my area. and get to know other Christians.. My job, until just recently kept me working long hours. and on call 24/7.. there was not time to pursue friendships... that job is what brought me up to this mountain. so my friends are far away.. and my spiritual walk really grew since I came here.. so I dont want to talk to non christian people when times are hard.. I think now is a time to refine my heart.. let God do a work in me.. let anything that shouldnt be there come to the surface.. thanik you again for your scriptures..

Shirley. Sounds like you have had such a hard time too.. I didnt have to deal with the abuse.. but previously in my life.. I have.. I love the scriptures Jeremiah 29:11-13 I like to think he is talking to me.. and to you..

"For I know the plans I have for you,: declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

this really helps me.. I hope it might help you as well.. feeling rejected.. is hard.. and living with an alcoholic is hard.. not only concerned about your own life.. but concerned about there spiritual well being.. thanks shirley for your words..

And thank you Shekaniah for your prayers.. I do think John is feeling unworthy.. he has told me over and over iit has nothing to do with me.. he has said he is damaged goods.. he has cried alot.. this is not a man who crys.. I think he is mixed up.. another reason.. I try to be kind to him.. and pray for him.. I am not sure if he is just confused or turning his back on his faith or what.. but I am gonna just dig into my faith.. I think I am realizing. at 52 years old. people are not dependable.. but My Father is.. trusting in the world hasnt gotten me very far.. But he has changed me over the years.. and I know I have a long way to go.. but after all I have done in my lifetime.. I am so not deserving... but he is still with me.. I know that.. cause I feel his presence in my life.. I believe that he is always with me.. thank you everyone. this was a good place to turn in time of need.. I will have every single one of you in my prayers.. today..

And so a star shines brightly in the darkness.... and her name was faithful.

cardsfan93 · Dec 11, 2012

Don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand
-Isaiah 41:10

Praying for you!!!

AgeofKnowledge · Dec 11, 2012

Hi Shirley,

It's good to see you at CC

.

shirley said:

wow sounds like da juva all over again i went through exactly what your going through my husband use to beat me he was an alcholic and so was his parents my dad phsyically abused me n beat me ; i was married when i was 16 to this day he drinkshard liquir n beer sometimes but he does worse to me he mentally abuses me and he told me he doesnt want me i have ptsd depression im working on getting an apt im so unloved and it hurts ; i really dont know what its like to be loved ; ill keep you in prayer im here if you wanna talk email me ;i know exactally what your going through sister ;

psychomom · Dec 12, 2012

Oh, Faithful.....

My heart weeps at your words, and I feel the pain you express in them.
and I sorrow with you. (pass the tissues?

)

I commend you for being faithful to your beautiful grandson, although I am certain it is love that drives you regarding him. ♥
And this is the love of God...agape...that acts because of love.
God's love never just 'feels', and this is confusing to some people, as it seems it is for your husband.
I've been married for almost 33 years, now, and the times when the feeling goes, you just continue
acting out the love toward the other till the feeling returns.

I am praying that the Lord will help your husband to know this.

Just as you continue to show love to your husband,
so the Lord does toward you.
In Hebrews 13:5 the Lord tells us He will never desert us, nor will He ever forsake us.
In Greek that's known as a triple citation...
"I will never, no never, no never desert you..."

Your Abba holds you and everything that concerns you in His hands.

He loves you very tenderly, and counts and saves the tears you cry.
He alone knows the travails of your heart, and He is moved with pity toward you. ♥

You and your husband and your little grandson are in my prayers.
Please come back here often.
We love you,
ellie

Christian Husband tells me he doesnt want to be married anymore.

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