I recently entered thread in one of the room here, and someone who responded to it made the statement that I have "a misconstrued and warped sense of who God is, and what it means to follow Him". Initially this offended me, but the statement is actually quite true.
I think that all of the negative things that I have experienced in my life has really twisted my perception of God. Growing up, I was taught that God would always care for me, and would never turn His back on me...but the majority of my life I have felt the opposite. Especially during my childhood, where I suffered a ridiculous amount of abuse from my father...who was a Baptist minister.
I have an extremely difficult time putting my total trust in God, I want to love Him...but I am always angry, and it is hard for me to believe He actually cares...at time I feel that He enjoys watching me suffer. I forgave my father long ago for what he did...but I think I may have some resentment toward God for allowing me to suffer such tremendous torture that has effected my life in so many ways.
I guess...the prayer I am asking for...is for God to heal me of whatever hurt inside me, that is preventing me from growing closer to Him. Every time I think I am getting close...I feel so much pain...and it makes me withdraw. Thank you for reading.