M
Hello everyone. My mom passed away of breast cancer last year. I was her only child and was her only living family member. I was the one to drive her to all her doctor appointments, chemo, procedures, pharmacies. For two years, I helped her with her struggle. I watched as she deteriorated. She struggled with breathing as the cancer spread to her lungs, heart, spine, skin, and kidneys. Towards the end, she was put onto heavy doses of morphine to deal with the pain. She was in and out of the ER constantly in the last month of her life. The last time I took her into the ER, she had to be admitted to ICU. It was there that a social worker came to tell me that she would die at any moment. My mother was completely unconscious due to the copious amounts of medication. She was in and out on the day before she died. The last conversation I had with her was how I would take her home. I told her we would go back to her apartment and I would take care of her. She smiled but I knew she was drifting off to sleep. After that conversation, she slept for the rest of the night fitfully, trying to remove her blankets at times, or motioning to me that she couldn't breathe. At one point, she attempted to take the oxygen tube out of her nose, but I reassured her in a calm voice that she needed it and that she shouldn't take it out. My voice seemed to calm her and she fell back asleep. The next morning, the nurses, rather roughly, changed her night gown and laid her bed back further, as she was upright for most of the night due to her breathing problem. She had accumulated a lot of fluid in her lungs. The nurses brought her breakfast but she would never eat it. She was completely unconscious as I listened to her labored crackly breathing. It sounded like she was drowning from the inside out. She stopped breathing at 8:58 am on march 10th 2012.
I find myself dwelling on her death. Whenever I get a spare moment of thought, the image of her dead form crosses my mind and I analyze it every time I close my eyes. I worry that her last days were spent in fear and pain. I couldn't properly communicate with her during her last moments, so I will never know if she passed uncomfortably, in fear, or if she even knew she was passing at all. I keep begging God to give me a sign from her. I feel the desperate to apologize to my mom for not doing more. For not begging the doctors to find a way to keep her alive. I need peace and confirmation that she is ok. Any prayers would be so much appreciated. Thank you.
I find myself dwelling on her death. Whenever I get a spare moment of thought, the image of her dead form crosses my mind and I analyze it every time I close my eyes. I worry that her last days were spent in fear and pain. I couldn't properly communicate with her during her last moments, so I will never know if she passed uncomfortably, in fear, or if she even knew she was passing at all. I keep begging God to give me a sign from her. I feel the desperate to apologize to my mom for not doing more. For not begging the doctors to find a way to keep her alive. I need peace and confirmation that she is ok. Any prayers would be so much appreciated. Thank you.
