J
I'm not going to get too personal or into for what's going on and why I feel this way. I'm only going to share what I'm okay with for now.
At my age you would think that I would at least be doing something right now. Pursue college, knowing what I want to do, having a part-time job and going out and try having some freedom. That's not the case. Matter of fact, any of it isn't the case. I'm a depressed, useless waste of a human being that's at home and not sure what to really do. After some things that's happened in the past I don't feel like I'm completely over it, at all. I haven't went to the community college I was recommended to start off with since I flunked because I don't want to be in a similar environment as I've had during high school. Worst four years of my life and I think it's completely changed me. I've been ignored that I found that something may in fact have been wrong with me but people kept sliding it off as teen angst. I come from a dysfunctional household. In turn I've had anxiety and it's at the point if I can bring myself to leave the house it can only be so far and I have to stay away from people as possible - and this is on occasions. I don't like the environment I'm in, there's way too many familiar people. We're hoping to move and maybe by then I can have a fresh start, a new beginning. I'll even go as far as to try being a new person with a different identity because the person I see and been in for over twenty years has had more disappointments and fear than anything else. It started when I was about three or four at least and I never felt normal and I have many things wrong with me. I sense that I'm a bit slow because it took a bit longer for me to process things than everyone else around me and some had no shame to point out I was like some retard. I have an older brother who's in a group home due to his autism and now it looks like there's two failure of kids. What helps with me worrying about him is that one person at the group home died earlier this year due to some neglect and if anything happened to my brother that way I don't know what I would do. Sad thing is I seem to be worrying about it most than my own parents who apparently have him under his care. I have little to no support and I've been waiting for a phone call so I can actually go to some place to get some sort of counseling. No luck and I may have to drag myself over there again and fill out the paperwork... again. I've withdrawn from what I had left in my life due to shame which included family members that may have wanted to meet up with me after a few years at least. But I still have to put on a face like nothing is wrong and if anything's wrong I must hide it. I want to move on and find what truly makes me happy, I really do. Veterinary field had an interest for me for a very long time and I feel I might want to go back to it even if it's something that has a low salary and not that much education to it. I'd rather have my time spent with animals than other human beings anyway. Even while searching through some stuff and found that this college has online courses I can't seem to even get what requires for that right, so of course I start breaking down like a five year old. I'm trying hard not to lose it. If I actually let my feelings out then it's only going to lead me into some mental institution. -_- I never asked for any of this. I regret everything. I want to die because there's no use to have useless people in society but I know that there's basic reasons to live. I don't want this family to be torn apart. My father especially is what I worry most despite how we always have fights and he's simply a jerk. I'm just so torn. The computer is really my only escape and has been. Tomorrow I'm supposed to try going back to the place I'm supposed to get help and see what's what and if I can actually just apply to it and at any given date soon as possible. I just can't take this any longer.
Of course this is a rant because I really can't express this anywhere else and when I have I've had some bad experiences too. Not going to get into that since it's even more pointless. I just want to know if there's any direction going for me and if not then I need to have some peace knowing no matter what happens everything will be okay. It's under prayer request since I don't see any other place suited and if I go under miscellaneous I think I'm just going to be a damper out of the positive topics on there. Thank you for your time.
At my age you would think that I would at least be doing something right now. Pursue college, knowing what I want to do, having a part-time job and going out and try having some freedom. That's not the case. Matter of fact, any of it isn't the case. I'm a depressed, useless waste of a human being that's at home and not sure what to really do. After some things that's happened in the past I don't feel like I'm completely over it, at all. I haven't went to the community college I was recommended to start off with since I flunked because I don't want to be in a similar environment as I've had during high school. Worst four years of my life and I think it's completely changed me. I've been ignored that I found that something may in fact have been wrong with me but people kept sliding it off as teen angst. I come from a dysfunctional household. In turn I've had anxiety and it's at the point if I can bring myself to leave the house it can only be so far and I have to stay away from people as possible - and this is on occasions. I don't like the environment I'm in, there's way too many familiar people. We're hoping to move and maybe by then I can have a fresh start, a new beginning. I'll even go as far as to try being a new person with a different identity because the person I see and been in for over twenty years has had more disappointments and fear than anything else. It started when I was about three or four at least and I never felt normal and I have many things wrong with me. I sense that I'm a bit slow because it took a bit longer for me to process things than everyone else around me and some had no shame to point out I was like some retard. I have an older brother who's in a group home due to his autism and now it looks like there's two failure of kids. What helps with me worrying about him is that one person at the group home died earlier this year due to some neglect and if anything happened to my brother that way I don't know what I would do. Sad thing is I seem to be worrying about it most than my own parents who apparently have him under his care. I have little to no support and I've been waiting for a phone call so I can actually go to some place to get some sort of counseling. No luck and I may have to drag myself over there again and fill out the paperwork... again. I've withdrawn from what I had left in my life due to shame which included family members that may have wanted to meet up with me after a few years at least. But I still have to put on a face like nothing is wrong and if anything's wrong I must hide it. I want to move on and find what truly makes me happy, I really do. Veterinary field had an interest for me for a very long time and I feel I might want to go back to it even if it's something that has a low salary and not that much education to it. I'd rather have my time spent with animals than other human beings anyway. Even while searching through some stuff and found that this college has online courses I can't seem to even get what requires for that right, so of course I start breaking down like a five year old. I'm trying hard not to lose it. If I actually let my feelings out then it's only going to lead me into some mental institution. -_- I never asked for any of this. I regret everything. I want to die because there's no use to have useless people in society but I know that there's basic reasons to live. I don't want this family to be torn apart. My father especially is what I worry most despite how we always have fights and he's simply a jerk. I'm just so torn. The computer is really my only escape and has been. Tomorrow I'm supposed to try going back to the place I'm supposed to get help and see what's what and if I can actually just apply to it and at any given date soon as possible. I just can't take this any longer.
Of course this is a rant because I really can't express this anywhere else and when I have I've had some bad experiences too. Not going to get into that since it's even more pointless. I just want to know if there's any direction going for me and if not then I need to have some peace knowing no matter what happens everything will be okay. It's under prayer request since I don't see any other place suited and if I go under miscellaneous I think I'm just going to be a damper out of the positive topics on there. Thank you for your time.
