Family matters

LittleBit1987 · Apr 23, 2014

I recently found out some things about my past and my mom. I'm having issues coming to terms that I honestly do not know who my mother is anymore. My whole childhood growing up was nothing but lies. Every trip, every move, every story, every guy my mom "ran" off to be with... We're nothing but lies. I can't even see my mom as my "mother" anymore cause she isn't who I thought she was. Granted everything makes sense now, but I'm still trying to process all the horrible things that I went through as a kid. It's like my mom led a double life, but kept dragging me and my older brother with her.. Every where she went.

I don't feel any "love" for my mom anymore, that's how badly burned, and hurt I am by everything that I've learned. How does one move on and still feel that strong passionate emotion for a parent who is very disturbed and crazy?? She has lied to me recently, and I don't know how I will be able to forgive her. I can't trust anything she says anymore, and it breaks my heart to think back on my childhood and remember where and what we did.

I have a very broken heart, and I've noticed at church I am DESPERATELY looking for that "mother figure" to wrap me in her arms and hold me tight and whisper "it will all be ok, I'll protect you".

crmvet · Apr 23, 2014

Philippians 4:6-7

levi85 · Apr 23, 2014

God is love, and forgive will pray that God work within you and make you a blessing to your momand bring her back to live a life for Jesus, Amen

Ugly · Apr 23, 2014

Is she genuinely mentally ill, i mean diagnosed with a mental illness? If so, sometimes learning more about the problem, and getting more interaction with people inflicted with this, or who have been affected by people afflicted what that specific mental illness, can help ease some of the pain. Notice i said ease, not erase. Parents especially are hard to forgive for severe grievances, even with the problem of mental illness.
If she's never been diagnosed with mental illness she may just be a very selfish person. Humans are capable of great evil without the need of mental illness or demons to influence or dictate our behavior. Whether its a mental illness or just a selfish person, learning to accept (not like, just accept) that a person is who they are, can make it easier to cope. Sometimes what makes it hardest for people to forgive others is because they don't live up to what standards We set For them and hold them to. Children naturally do this with parents especially, and for good reason. I think the best thing is to just accept that your mother is who she is, good or bad. Not that you have to tolerate it. If you feel the need to remove her from your life, then that's what you need to do. I have a friend who has had to do that with her mother.
There is one catch to that, which another friend of mine experienced. For legitimate reasons she kept her father out of her life, but he died suddenly. She was wracked with guilt for 'not trying harder' to help him and to maintain a relationship with him. While i believe that, ultimately, her staying out of his life was what was best for her, it made his death that much harder to cope with. Fortunately i was able to help her work through some of that, so it wasn't as difficult as it would have been on her own, but if you do feel removing her from your life is best, make sure to consider all aspects and any future regrets that may stem from it. You may decide its worth it, or you may realize you'll regret it. And sometimes we just can't know until the time comes to face our decision.
At any rate, sorry that you're going through this.

jogoldie · Apr 24, 2014

My heart goes out to you.....I cant imagine what you are feeling.....I have two daughters and they make me who I am.....after God......
Not every woman is meant to be a mom......thats what people say.....but something tells me there is a baby in your near
future and you will be the mom you wanted for yourself.....that will fill that place that is empty......as for your mom....you
are only gonna find peace if you just forgive......then you will be free of the burden....accept who she is ...
I wish I had some incredible and wise words....but this finds me speechless....I am praying for you
baby sister.... may peace and joy find you soon..... cyber hug.....

LittleBit1987 · Apr 24, 2014

Ugly said:

Is she genuinely mentally ill, i mean diagnosed with a mental illness? If so, sometimes learning more about the problem, and getting more interaction with people inflicted with this, or who have been affected by people afflicted what that specific mental illness, can help ease some of the pain. Notice i said ease, not erase. Parents especially are hard to forgive for severe grievances, even with the problem of mental illness.
If she's never been diagnosed with mental illness she may just be a very selfish person. Humans are capable of great evil without the need of mental illness or demons to influence or dictate our behavior. Whether its a mental illness or just a selfish person, learning to accept (not like, just accept) that a person is who they are, can make it easier to cope. Sometimes what makes it hardest for people to forgive others is because they don't live up to what standards We set For them and hold them to. Children naturally do this with parents especially, and for good reason. I think the best thing is to just accept that your mother is who she is, good or bad. Not that you have to tolerate it. If you feel the need to remove her from your life, then that's what you need to do. I have a friend who has had to do that with her mother.
There is one catch to that, which another friend of mine experienced. For legitimate reasons she kept her father out of her life, but he died suddenly. She was wracked with guilt for 'not trying harder' to help him and to maintain a relationship with him. While i believe that, ultimately, her staying out of his life was what was best for her, it made his death that much harder to cope with. Fortunately i was able to help her work through some of that, so it wasn't as difficult as it would have been on her own, but if you do feel removing her from your life is best, make sure to consider all aspects and any future regrets that may stem from it. You may decide its worth it, or you may realize you'll regret it. And sometimes we just can't know until the time comes to face our decision.
At any rate, sorry that you're going through this.

My mother was actually diagnosed as bi-polar.. Not sure if that has anything to do with her behaviors as of late...

The only thing I actually would like to hear from her, is a genuine apology for her actions. But something tells me that's not gonna happen anytime soon...

LittleBit1987 · Apr 24, 2014

jogoldie said:

me and my husband have been trying for 8 months... So reading what you posted made me smile

i feel like I have "forgiven" my mother time and time again... And she just keeps on breaking her promises and breaking my heart. I get so jealous of everyone else who has a mom who's there for them.. Is that wrong. Cause I feel like I'm deceiving my heart...

jogoldie · Apr 24, 2014

That is not wrong....you have every right to feel that way....but when we forgive it is really for ourselves....not them
Forgiving doesnt mean giving them your trust or even liking them.....God says we are to love them.....not easy....
But for some reason I think this will make you an awesome mom yourself.......as soon as I read your post...
It just popped in my head that you were going to have a baby....isnt that strange.......and that is what im praying for ...
you and your husband to give you the family you deserve....

LittleBit1987 · Apr 24, 2014

jogoldie said:

I go see my doctor Monday to see if my procedure I had done is healed so we can try for a baby, It has been so hard on me seeing all my friends having babies and getting pregnant, and I want that so bad. I pray about it all the time, begging for the Lord to bless us with a little bundle of joy. My husband keeps telling me our time will come, and Ive been ready for the past 5 years. lol.

I think once my dad gets things figured out on his side of things, and get some stuff taken care of, I think that will be when I can finally forgive her, and let her go.... She was never my "mother" but my best friend my whole life... well up until about 7 years ago.

I do appreciate you praying for us to be blessed with our little bundle of joy, and I am looking forward to the day when I can finally announce it as my testimony on here. (big hugs) <3

jogoldie · Apr 24, 2014

Yeah but when you find out ....I get a personal message.....cause I called it first.......lol

Its gonna happen for you.......speak positive and put it in Gods hands.......

Ooooo im sooo excited for a baby......

LittleBit1987 · Apr 24, 2014

Yes Of course, a personal message..

Just know that I dont get on here very often, but when I do... You will be the first to hear about it.

I am so ready for what God has in store for me and my husband.

RickyZ · Apr 24, 2014

The Bible tells us to honor our parents, but that assumes they are honorable:

[h=3]Ephesians 6:1-4[/h] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ,

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

I walked away from my dishonorable parents 3 years ago. They couldn't care less.

pickles · Apr 25, 2014

Hugs littlebit, as one who grew up with a father who was abusive mentally, emotionally and physically, I understand your desire for your mom to apoligise.
But waiting for such to happen will not bring peace, even if she does.
From experiance, I can tell you peace comes in compleat forgiveness, with the mercy and love given to us in Jesus.
You see, we are forgiven not because of the reasons why we did what we do, or because we deserve, but simply because God loves us.
Its this kind of love and forgiveness that brings healing.
Its not something one can do on their own, I learned this myself, but it can be known and learned how to, in Jesus.
Ask Jesus to give you His love and forgivness for your mom, and in time, you will know it and recieive peace.
Ill be praying for you and all your family in Jesus's name.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

blue_ladybug · Apr 25, 2014

LittleBit1987 said:

littlebit, everyone makes mistakes! That is a fact of life. It sounds like your mother must have been incredibly desperate and/ or scared to do what she did to you and your brother. Fear makes people do truly insane things sometimes. In a sense, we all lead a "double life" in one way or another. We talk and act and do thing a certain way with one set of people who we dont know well or maybe just want to impress, and act and do and talk an entirely different way with people that we do know. If your mother has some type of mental issue causing this, then that should be medically addressed as soon as possible. I know you feel hurt and angry and betrayed, but remember this: Jesus felt all these emotions also!! Yet he was able to forgive the ones who hurt, betrayed and killed him. It is much harder to DO forgiveness than to SAY it. But once you forgive your mother, you will discover not only how easy it really is, but you will also finally feel free from these painful tethers to your past. Leave the past in the past--move ahead to your future. That "figure" waiting to wrap his arms around you and say "it will all be ok, I'll protect you," is GOD. He is waiting for you to offer forgiveness to your mother, so he can shelter you.

J-Kay-2 · Apr 25, 2014

LittleBit1987 said:

Hi. I told my husband how cute you are and always so nice on here. Your spirit is so sweet.
I was little puzzled about the situation you discovered something about your mom, but you
were able to post many things she has done. I assume it must have been really bad for you
to be hurting now. The issue of her being bi-polar, is this new diagnosis ? I know it is a mental
disease, but do you think she would have done what she did while raising you if she weren't bi-polar?
There really is no way to change the past. What she did is done, therefore, love the 'friend' you said
you were. I am again assuming she did not make you feel like you had a mother. Especially since you
would like a lady from Church to hold you and tell you it will be okay. Honey, It will be okay. Time
does heal all wounds. No, we don't always forget, but time helps us heal.
Jesus gave His life for your mom, just as He did for all of us. He loves her and I am certain it grieved
Him to see what her lifestyle was doing to herself and you and brother. The issue is asking Him to
help you forgive.
@@@ I don't want to take away from your situation, but I would like to share what just happened
to me few days ago. Little different from your situation, but hopefully you can understand your mom
better.
I brought my children up in a very strict Christian home. They were is Church 3 times a week. Went
to Christian School, in same Church 5 days a week. I tried to make this a perfect Christian family.
One daughter was my 'wild child' and really did things that brought shame to our name. This was
in the Christian circle I was involved with in my Church. My point is ???
I have a 50 yr. old son, and a 45 yr. old daughter. I am finding out now I scarred them by taking
them to Church through their years at home. They carried on their Christian life with their mates
and children. But.... I am finding out through my son, that I was far too strict and he had to go to
Group Therapy ( Christian ) and learn how to undo what I did, I suppose. I am aware all children
brought up in Christian homes must find Christ for themselves and not go on the parents coat tails.
It is important they find Christ personally. Okay, so what is my problem ?
The news few days ago, from my precious baby daughter, (45) tells me she has been having to unlearn
what our Church taught and her home life. We are Full Gospel, and simply lived Gods way.
Many mistakes made by me Lil' Bit.... I can't undo. Does this rip my heart out ? Yes, a hundred
times yes. I only wanted to please God and yes I wanted the world to see our home was Christian
and probably perfect. Pride ? Goes before the fall.
Now how different is your mom and me ? How does my daughter look at me ? We too were great
friends and I thought we had great relationship. She is 'daddy's' girl, but still, I loved her because
she is so lovable.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I guess I want to say even though your mother did what
she did, it doesn't dehumanize her. She obviously did not realize the hurt she was causing and
pain you would be enduring years later.
It is my prayer you and your mother can work this out and keep your distance if it is painful.
My daughter cut herself off from me last year. By that I mean she just did not keep in touch.
She came home a few times. But, it was this visit the truth came out. Her oldest sister died
7 yrs. ago at age 45. That sister did what your mom did. I want to assure you I believe your
mom is going to realize the error of her ways and will be sorry about her actions. My daughter
that died, wrote me all the time, and her latter years were full of sorrow regarding her lifestyle.
I pray this all works out for the good for you Lil'Bit. I love you because you are so precious. I
am sorry you are hurting and wish I could hold you and tell you your mom will change for sure.
But I can't say it because if she is bi-polar then only God can change her.
I suggest to you to don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong. Your feelings are normal,
and I also suggest asking the Lord to love your mom through you.... He can help you in
this walk. Only He knows how much time she has left here on earth. As I said earlier you
will heal. I am so sorry a sweet person as yourself has had to begin going through issues
all over again. I will be praying for you along with all the others who will also.
Just remember, Mothers are not perfect.... (( HUGS)) J~K~2

LittleBit1987 · Apr 26, 2014

Ladies-

thank you so much for all your kind words, it hasn't been an easy week to say the least, but at least I am able to get out and have some fun. I've been thinking about me and my mom, and how I wish things were different with us... I've asked God many times to help guide me to where I can fully forgive her, and have forgiveness in my heart. But I'm just not ready to take that step yet. I'm not sure why I'm scared about it... But it's not time yet. I don't want to say "I'm ready" and it be my brain... Not my heart. My heart is what I'm worried about.

Ive never had a mother figure growing up, and I miss having that person to cry too, and hold onto. I'm a VERY huggable person...so you can see why this bothers me as much as it does.

secularhermit · Apr 26, 2014

I relate!
I cannot tell about my mom, the way how i saw her and the way I now see her. I will not try to judge her but SHE IS MY MOTHER, although I was raised by grandmother.

I do know I don´t love her, but I don´t plan to hate her past, her life or those things I think hurt me (she also had her own painstaking life).

I´m happy that, at least, I´m alive, I was not an abortion and i know she did the best she knew and could. You will find how to see it, anyday.

Ugly · Apr 26, 2014

LittleBit1987 said:

A lot of her behavior is undoubtedly affected by the bipolar. So you won't get that apology. Especially since it sounds as though she's not being treated?
But, as i stated, you can find whatever little comfort comes in knowing her decisions are being dictated by an influence out of her control. Without that mental illness she would've been such a different person.
Really, though, lose all good expectations of your mother unless she gets help, and sticks with it. If she continues on the path she's down, you will only suffer disappointment each time you allow yourself to expect anything more.
Keep in mind, though, a baby is not a replacement for a mother. Nor is a baby meant to heal, fill a void left by your mother, or make you fulfilled in the areas your mother didn't. You need to separate the two things.

LittleBit1987 · Apr 26, 2014

Ugly said:

The reason I want to have a baby is:
A) to be the mother I never had
B) give this special kind of love I have to a little bundle that I can't give my husband
C) start my own loving family that I never had.

I don't think this is too much to ask..

J-Kay-2 · Apr 27, 2014

LittleBit1987 said:

Hi again, Lil' Bit.... You will get tired of me I am sure. May I share that my
daughter I spoke of that just hurt me last week, also had fertility issues and
she was 8 years trying to get pregnant. I know what you are going through in
that respect. She not only had fertility issues, I believe her husband had low
sperm count. (Which is nothing to be ashamed of guys ) .....

I understand your desire to have a baby. You are getting older and mature enough
now to really begin your family. I have heard by trying very very hard does cause
stress. I am sure you have been told that. People who have adopted a baby have
been known to get pregnant right after. So, there is something to being stressed.

Let's stop right now and thank God, He gave you a mother. If she had not given
birth to you, you would not be here. I pray you will forgive me for sharing what I
am feeling in my spirit ....I believe forgiveness is a must. The blessings will follow.

I believe if when you have your little baby, then your issues with her are going to
double. Instead of making you better, you will think of all your mother missed out
on with you and then with your new baby. Maybe I am wrong, and forgive me if I
am. But forgiveness is such a major part of Gods Love honey, you really have to
focus on getting that part over with. Scriptures on forgiveness ... remembering
Jesus died for your mom too, is reason enough to know nothing is so bad that it
can't be forgiven. I realize I don't know the whole story. I don't want to hurt
you at all, but in a way honey, 'ugly' is right, the baby won't heal that wound you
are carrying. I want you to have a baby more than anything. You will make a
wonderful Mother. It is the issue of the heart that is important so you can be
the VERY BEST MOTHER TO YOUR OWN LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY, without
having excess baggage to carry around inside you. You want to be FREE.. Free
to be a beautiful, loving Mother. God bless you...and forgive me if I have hurt
you. Nothing in the world would hurt me more than to know I have hurt you too.
I am sharing what I feel in my heart I know God wants for you, HIS DAUGHTER.

God be with you.

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