A Heart Divided?

Forgive me if you think I was judging you as that certainly was not my intent. Dwelling on this other man though has it really been good for your emotional state? If your husband is abusing you emotionally then maybe you should separate for a while just to take a break to help heal your emotions. I truly meant you no harm as you do sound distressed. Again meant no judgment toward you. Prayers sent your way on your behalf.

Don't really know how to explain and it would take too long. But I feel somewhat lost emotionally for a long time. I've had trouble forgetting about someone who helped me through a rough patch. This has been a couple years now. I have no contact and even though tempted to do so refrain. This was someone who I came across online and I don't understand why I still think about this person and why I can't get rid of this.

I'm not in a position to do anything about this. I feel somewhat lost and confused. This same person also said some not nice things that weren't true. I feel somewhat betrayed but it was never resolved. I guess I must be pathetic thinking about someone that doesn't care about me or maybe he does but is keeping it to himself.

I just want to have a clear sign as to why this all happened and if this person is supposed to be in my path again in the future or not. Seems strange that I would still think about this person after all this time.

I could elaborate further to make this more clear but it is a tad complicated and perhaps it is a reflection on just how pathetic I have become because of getting knocked around by life.

All I know is now I cannot do anything about my feelings so I am keeping them under wraps.

Chances are this has more to do with a lack of closure than anything else. People often assume that their emotions or thoughts are somehow tied into having some special meaning. Evidence of a bigger plan. That's rarely the case. Usually it's just our mind or emotions not moving on.
When i was 21 i was engaged. She ended the relationship in a very very bad manner and we never did get to talk about it. I never got to hear her reasons why. Now i'm 39 and i still think about her often. In spite of the bad break up i still tend to think more on her positives. We haven't had any contact since i was 21. She was a big bright spot in my life when we were together.
Much like you, she had a big, positive impact during a rough time in my life, but things went bad. And, like you, i still think about her. I've yet to see any purpose or design behind it. Just that i've not moved on for whatever reason.
And if you are in any sort of emotional abuse then all the more reason you would cling to some positive memory. But there is no 'revelation' to be had. You have flirted with adultery. Made an emotional connection with someone and are having trouble letting it go, as you continue to be unhappy in your marriage. It's just that simple. When you hear hoof beats think horse, not zebra.

My advice is do what I did when my ex (love of my life) dumped me. Ask God to remove him out of your heart and mind and thoughts COMPLETELY, with no traces left over whatsoever. Once God takes this man out of your head, all thoughts of him will simply fade away. BTW, JesusLives is a very nice lady, and truly was just trying to help you. It's easy to sound judgmental sometimes, but I'm sure that's not how she intended to come across to you.

The four R's in moving on




R- Return of Stuff- except the cool stuff like iPad, iPhone etc...
R - Reverse Bittering-think of the bad qualities of your ex
R - Rebound-not necessarily a new relationship, could be a new hobby
R- Revenge-the best revenge is living a happy life

Yes you were judging me instead of trying to understand where I am at. No point backtracking. Thank you for your response but I don't feel you are understanding me very well.

I am not purposely dwelling on this man. He just doesn't want to leave my mind and heart. I have tried to forget about him numerous times and he will just keep popping back up in my mind. I don't expect you to understand but it is like he is always with me even though he is not. Maybe he is thinking about me and maybe that is why he keeps popping up. I don't really know.

As for my marriage like I said I am staying. I'm not separating for a while after 22 years of marriage. I'm not leaving my home either or my grandbaby and I have my small business to take care of. With the marriage it is either make it or break it and like I have already said if he cheats, beats or abandons me then that is it. It hasn't come to that yet.

Heal my emotions? I don't understand what you mean? I am a little depressed because I don't like my current circumstances but I still function. I'm not on any pills and I am certainly not having a nervous breakdown nor am I a basket case. I'm a lot stronger than that.

I only asked for help concerning why that man is still in my mind and heart. I had to give some background information to try to make the whole situation somewhat clearer but it is very complex and may be hard for some people to understand.

I will continue to stay in my marriage and pray for the man in question and continue to ask God to resolve this as I have been doing. Some things cannot be fixed in one day so time will tell what the end result will be.

Thank you for any prayers on my behalf.

RickyZ:

First off I don't want to be rude but I don't like Forrest Gump. I think he is a goof. But that aside you are very perceptive to notice that I am married. Been married since 1992. You ask how that plays into this? Well like I said it is a very long and complicated story and my trust factor with people unfortunately is incredibly low so I hope you will try to understand and not jump to conclusions wrongly.

I'll try not to be too long but in order to make it clearer here goes.

I've known my husband since 1990 and been married since 1992. I am very loyal and don't believe in divorce unless extreme circumstances and sufficient grounds exist. No one is perfect and I know my husband's two main faults which is working too much and somewhat cold and snappy at times. I accepted him the way he is and took the good with the bad. I'm not perfect either since I do use strong language at times and am what you could call feisty. However, when I make a commitment I like to make it stick and I know love involves self-sacrifice at times.

So how this started? I used to make theological debate videos. I'm really good at that. The feisty thing again. Came across some strange people but had no interest in anyone. I like to debate or at least I used to. Anyways at times the marriage has what you could consider emotional abuse in it but I don't feel that is grounds for divorce so we argue and then make up and go on. Done this for many years. However, we moved into a new house about four years ago and some things happened that were not very good that I don't have time to explain but it was bad enough that I was very depressed and suicidal.

So this is where the friend comes in. I came across this person where I do my theological videos. Debated and/or helped him out on one of his videos when someone was bothering him. At first this person seemed somewhat reserved and shy but I also noticed that he seemed to have great integrity and I found that simply amazing. So unlike my husband or so I thought at the time. This really impressed me so when I was really down I asked this person to pray for me and help me out. He did give me some emotional support and he was always decent and 100 percent a gentleman. He never took advantage of the situation. The most decent guy I have ever come across in my entire life. Simply amazing.

So this is starting to get confusing so I hope you are following and not getting lost yet. So I really needed to figure out what was really going on and have clear answers and then make a decision from there. At that time I had seriously considered leaving my husband but I needed grounds and would not divorce just because I am hurt or angry. No impulsive decisions. It must be based on fact and not assumptions. I know that sometimes things aren't as they appear so I needed clear direction. But at the same time I never felt so low and this person was a life saver to me. Maybe I should have just managed on my own like I usually do but this man seemed so decent and intelligent and trustworthy and had such great character that I thought I could trust him and confide in him. But of course you really never know someone until you know someone so I am saying what seemed to be.

So after much interrogating and deliberation it would seem that things were not as they seemed and that my trust has not been betrayed in my marriage yet the damage has been done emotionally and because I am a very sensitive person with deep feelings I don't get past things that easily. So I remain married because I have to do the right thing and to get divorced without sufficient grounds would be wrong. And even though my husband can be a you know what at times if he really loved me then I would not be able to live with myself if I left him and broke his heart. So I feel somewhat stuck and am trying to do the right thing.

Back to the friend. He did give support but the more I talked to him the more I got attached. This man is simply amazing. He must be the most decent guy on the planet or else I am an idiot. He has his failings since he claims to have asperger's but I really don't care and find him absolutely amazing.

So this turned out to be a really hard situation for me because I am torn between what I want and the right thing to do and so far I have chosen the right thing to do. I gave a lot of years to my husband and feel that they were wasted and I just didn't want to do it anymore and wanted some happiness for a change. May sound silly but I wanted someone that maybe would really need what I have to offer and appreciate me and treat me with respect. For the most part this person did but there were times when he seemed to push me away. Which is what I am referring to as thinking things about me that are not true.

Maybe he thinks I am some opportunist that is looking for guys on the internet but that is not the case. I've been in a very long term marriage and have never had a relationship with another man for 24 years. I don't even have male friends and I don't want any. He was an exception and that has been my downfall. I should have just handled things on my own but I thought he could be trusted and he seemed like such a decent man. A real Godly man which is so rare. He has intelligence and integrity and he is also strong. Simply amazing.

So basically I think there were misunderstandings and I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my marriage so because I don't have sufficient grounds I decided to stay in my marriage even though I am still not really happy to this day. Almost four years later. Also almost four years later that I still think about this man of integrity even though I have tried to forget. That is a long time. I have not talked to this person in a long time and yet I still cannot get him off my mind and heart. This is why my heart is divided and I still do not know what the final answer is. I don't feel this is over yet because if it was then I should have gotten over this already.

So for now I stay where I am and love from a distance and pray for the person. That is all I can do. I don't like where I am but I feel stuck.

I wish I knew exactly what to do but I don't. I wish I knew what that person really thought of me but I don't. There were mixed messages so it could be both ways. But I'm not free to do anything so I don't.

I think this has been long enough but if there are any misunderstandings then I can clarify further.

I just feel this person most of the time. Kind of creepy but that is the only way to describe it. Never had this happen before so I don't know what to do. Trying to do the right thing but this person seems to be a stumbling block to me.

I need clear revelation and direction regarding this and that is not easy since it is so complicated.

There are no easy answers to this and I am unable to ask the person in question for obvious reasons. I don't think he would be honest with me and probably wouldn't even respond. So I continue to wait until I feel this is full resolved.

I did not realize that you were married as this was not stated in your opening post. It is no wonder that this man you think about is amazing because that is probably the reason that contact was broken off with you as he wanted to do what is right in the eyes of God. I believe that you could benefit from a 'time out' and reflect on what is most important in your life. I retract my earlier advice to you about contacting this man that you think about. By dwelling on things that are not real you are neglecting that which is real in your life. I would pray that God restores excitement and adventure in your marriage but it may be wise to do this from a distance from your husband until you have clarity of thought. Your husband needs to pray also. The couple that prays together stays together. I understand that it is a struggle but it is better than eating alone.

This is getting way out of hand. Look at my profile it says I am married. I am not hiding it. The man is amazing because he has great integrity and intellect. I actually was the first one to say we shouldn't communicate but he wanted to continue talking. He distanced himself perhaps because he had feelings or didn't want to develop them. It doesn't matter. I would have stopped communication anyways and told him why. If I was free then that would be a different thing. You think I don't know that???

Time out??? I'm not a child and would appreciate not being treated as such. I know what is important. Why are you so judgmental? If I wanted to have an affair don't you think I would have done that already considering I have known my husband for 24 years? If I had grounds for divorce and wanted that then wouldn't I have left by now or kicked him out and filed for divorce? I am trying to do the right thing and I don't need someone beating me down.

You sound like that other woman regarding dwelling. I stated I tried to forget about the man in question but that he keeps popping back in my head. That is not necessarily dwelling but you can take it that way if you want to. Neglecting that which is real? Are you now accusing me of neglecting my marriage? How dare you! I stay at home and take care of the home. I am always home. I don't go around the neighborhood gossiping and I don't go out for girls night out like a lot of women do. I also don't forfeit my family for a career like a lot of women do either.

I take care of my home and husband and grandbaby as best as I can. My husband doesn't have to eat his own cooking, thank God, and I never ask for help around the house even if I need it. If I'm sick I leave things for another time and there is always leftovers in the freezer in case I am too sick to cook. I even put the food on his plate and serve it to him for bloody sake so don't dare accuse me of neglect. And as for intimacy. I've never had a problem with that and I am no cold fish. I'm plenty exciting and I don't have passion problems.

My husband doesn't want me to go anywhere and if he wants to leave he is free to do so. In fact one time he was mad and threatened such so I let him go. What did he do? He went to the garage to sit in the Jeep and then came back about an hour later with watery eyes. If he wanted to leave no one was stopping him. He just tried to manipulate me and I wasn't going to buy into it. He doesn't do that anymore since it doesn't work. He knows I am tired of his games and I won't play into them. I can use tough love if I have to. And I do set boundaries and if they are crossed then their are consequences.

I think my husband knows I'm at my limit and he knows about the friend that helped me through my low point. I even told my husband that that is not very good that I felt I had to turn to someone else for support because I was feeling that bad at that time. I'm not going to tell you every little detail because you will only judge wrongly but it was bad enough that I was suicidal.

I'm not doing anything from a distance from my husband. This is my home and I am not moving. It is not just some rental but my home where we picked out the design and everything in it. I also run my business from my home which I am not leaving. My grandbaby also needs me since he has no one else to take care of him so I am not leaving him either. And I am not leaving my husband because he does not want me to leave. I have asked him directly more than once and if I were to actually leave then that would make him very upset. Besides separations don't work. It is the revolving door. You separate and come back to the same person so it may be good for a little while in the honeymoon period but it will revert to the same thing since it is the same person. It is either make it or break it with me and I am staying because I don't have sufficient grounds for divorce.

I feel very angry with you. I gave everything to my marriage and family because that is what is most important to me. For what? To be mistreated? To be wrongly judged by people like you? In fact now I am self-sacrificing. Even though I have feelings for the man in question whether you think it is real or not I am choosing to stay in my marriage. I shouldn't have to justify myself to you since I have explained clearly where I stand. If you cannot understand or choose not to then that is not my problem.

You were the one that was asking for advice and I offered mine to you. I am not in a position to judge you nor will I do so now. I am very sorry to hear about your unhappy marriage and I have said a prayer for you. God Bless You.

I attempted a very long message that got lost in cyberspace a few hrs ago. I missed your message #8 before Not knowing that you were married, faults with your hubby is that he works too much and gets cranky. My lost message did contain a long testimony of what I perceive to have been a spiritual war.

The best way in a few short words that I can describe the work of the enemy that he did to me and a ex girlfriend. We feel,think and do thinks that are blown way out of our normal way of being.
Examples! Met this girl online. I passed on her asking me out the first time around because of her love for Country dancing. I felt that she may have been around so many drunken men that she may be harsh.(what a understatement)

Fiver years later. She contacts me online again. looking good in low cut hip huger jeans.(Lust attraction?) She mentions how she has always found me very handsome. (More temptation) She got me now. We have a poor conversation on the phone. she pushes to meet anyway. She is 1/2 hr late.

This is where my decisions get strange. I feel this strong attraction to her. Best blind date that I ever could have imagined.
We were at a 24hr fitness gym. Guess I was pumped. I was full stacking all of the machines with ease. lol
She looked so innocent with our goodby hug. I left with very strong feelings thinking that I could marry this girl.
( I am afraid of marriage due to the divorce stats)

She turned out having dreams that I was going out with my ex wife. Claiming they were from God. lots and lots of mean nasty allegations made about me and my ex. and anybody that I had known that I mentioned were good people.Which was everyone before her. .

Just about every time out. Strangers would approach us saying how happy we looked together. I truly felt we had chemistry.
Every time that I would get home. she would send me emails with more lies and accusations.


To the point! With all of this ugliness. I was drawn to her. I put in more effort with her then anyone else. It was like an illness. My next girlfriend who came to soon. made a comment that she sensed a dark spiritual pulling me to this mean ex. She was right. Very scary for a long time.

In your case you are attracted to a internet guy, that you had known for a short time. maybe never even met.You mention of him not being honest with you, and probably would not even talk with you. That does not sound healthy. It could be that he cut if off because you are married. He had convictions? Yet! Your strong feelings persist even after four years. These strong feelings would not be from God

I promise with all my heart I am not trying to be mean here but am I the only one who sees the elephant in the room?

Fact you are married happy or not does not matter and this guy left clear as I can see it as he knew you were married and didn't want to tempt or cause a breakup in your marriage. We as humans make mistakes and some we end up having to live with.

I would get down on my knees and give this issue to God and ask Him to help clear your mind and give you direction and help on how to learn how to rekindle the love you once had for your husband. Things like this are complicated because you are dwelling on something you really shouldn't be dwelling on. This is how satan gets in and causes so much confusion in our minds.

Dear Father In Heaven

You know I don't know how to really help this sister, but she has major confusion and thoughts in areas she should not be dwelling in and it is just causing her so much emotional pain so please Father help her have clarity of mind and reveal to her a course of action that would bring honor and glory to You. I place her in Your hands Father as I don't know what else to try and help her with, but You know what she needs.

Send Your angels to her and please have them fight back the evil that is trying to destroy her emotions and her marriage. We trust that You will fix this for her Father In Jesus Name Amen

Right. Now it is my fault is that what you are saying? You're not even married so what do you know? I've only slept with my husband for the past 24 years. I've never had a romantic relationship with any other man in 24 years. Who do you want me to fool around with? The produce clerk at the grocery store? I mean really. I stay at home and have given myself to my marriage and family for 24 years. Do you think I am some bar hopping you know what? Not likely.

The marriage is not always unhappy but like I said my husband works a lot and at times he is nasty. Don't blame the working on me either. He was like this before I met him. I've never seen a man in my life that has a strong work ethic like my husband. He is 58 and could work most 20 year old men into the ground. The only problem is that this toughness is not always good when it comes to emotions in the marriage. He doesn't have to be a soft girly man but it is important that he is sensitive to me and my needs. I don't even nag him about his working hours since I have learned to adjust over the years but I am not going to be treated with disrespect like I am expendable either.

Have a nice day!

I'm sorry but I must state that I take issue with some of your comments. I don't know why I should have to justify myself to strangers that don't know me but I get really angry when people don't even try to understand where I am coming from.

Why do you say being married happy or not doesn't matter? If you are referring to committing adultery then you are correct. Even if you are unhappy you don't commit adultery. That is kind of obvious. But it does matter whether I am happy or not. I am a human being with feelings and not a robot. Marriage does have ups and downs and there are arguments and you make up so I think I would know that after 22 years of marriage. But that is not the same as a person being abusive. Abuse kills love over time. It doesn't happen in one day but over time it does have an effect. You wouldn't know that if you are not married and haven't been through that. But there is also a fine line and that line has not been crossed so that is why I am staying in my marriage.

In fact my grown son doesn't always like how my husband acts and he has seen it himself and he has even told me more than once that I should get divorced. But I tell him that that is my decision to make and not his. So it is not just some man that you think I am dwelling on. In fact my son also told me that considering the neglect over the years that if anyone had a reason to cheat it would be me but yet I don't do that. I stay at home and try to mind my own business.

I don't think you totally understand since you are not married. Have you been with the same man for 24 years? Not counting working late on the computer or when my husband is working do you go to bed with the same man for 22 years(married) and wake up to the same man? That has to count for something.

I'm sorry but since that bad time and me being really depressed and suicidal I have just not been the same. I don't think I ever will be the same. I will always keep a little emotional distance in order to protect myself. I don't know if I will ever feel safe enough to let my guard down again totally because I will not allow another human being the opportunity to try to destroy me emotionally.

To be honest I kind of wish that elephant you are referring to would sit on you. That would really make me happy.

Thanks for trying if that is what you were doing but I'm sorry you don't get a cigar for this one.

You missed the mark. Better luck next time.

I am really not sure what you are talking about and I suggested nothing about who you should fool around with. I understand full well about insensitivity and I pray that your husband shows more of this towards you. I have been married twice. The first was horrific and ended in divorce. The second was very hard but was most loving and ended in death early this year. God now has brought a beautiful woman with a pure heart in my life and it is my intention to marry her.

I did not say that the unhappiness in your marriage was your fault. In a lot of marriages the husband and wife drift apart. I do pray that both you and your husband find once again the happiness in marriage that seems to be lost.

I not only intend to have a nice day I intend to have a nice life and I wish the same for you.

This woman knows full well the unhappiness in marriage. She offered spiritual advice to you out of the love in her heart that was put there by God. It is a shame that you trampled on it. She did not miss the mark but rather you dropped the ball. She does not believe in luck but in the providence of God. By the way, she does not smoke either.

I am really not sure what you are talking about and I suggested nothing about who you should fool around with. I understand full well about insensitivity and I pray that your husband shows more of this towards you. I have been married twice. The first was horrific and ended in divorce. The second was very hard but was most loving and ended in death early this year. God now has brought a beautiful woman with a pure heart in my life and it is my intention to marry her.

I did not say that the unhappiness in your marriage was your fault. In a lot of marriages the husband and wife drift apart. I do pray that both you and your husband find once again the happiness in marriage that seems to be lost.

I not only intend to have a nice day I intend to have a nice life and I wish the same for you.