A Heart Divided?

Don't really know how to explain and it would take too long. But I feel somewhat lost emotionally for a long time. I've had trouble forgetting about someone who helped me through a rough patch. This has been a couple years now. I have no contact and even though tempted to do so refrain. This was someone who I came across online and I don't understand why I still think about this person and why I can't get rid of this.

I'm not in a position to do anything about this. I feel somewhat lost and confused. This same person also said some not nice things that weren't true. I feel somewhat betrayed but it was never resolved. I guess I must be pathetic thinking about someone that doesn't care about me or maybe he does but is keeping it to himself.

I just want to have a clear sign as to why this all happened and if this person is supposed to be in my path again in the future or not. Seems strange that I would still think about this person after all this time.

I could elaborate further to make this more clear but it is a tad complicated and perhaps it is a reflection on just how pathetic I have become because of getting knocked around by life.

All I know is now I cannot do anything about my feelings so I am keeping them under wraps.

Father, please give LRG clarity about this situation. Please show her what to do, or what she should learn. Please give her peace, and help her to give You all of her feelings and emotions and confusion. Guide her, please, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Lord give your peace and understanding, in this, Amen

Seems we all get our turn to be knocked around in life. I thought that I was immune to this till 5 years ago.
I got burned by someone that I thought was Christ Like. I still think she is Christ like. She was someone that I could not marry. But I truly thought that our friendship would never end because of our love for Jesus. Was I ever wrong.

Be thankful that you have a heart of love, and have not became bitter. Seems some friends are with us for only a short time.
Be humble and thankful that you had them as a friend at one time in your life. Someone so important in your life is not easy to let go. Thank The Lord your thoughts of this person is good. For the Lord will be pleased with your heart. You are not with this person now. So it would seem it was not meant to be. But once again. Be thankful to the Lord that you had blessing come into your life. Being a child of God. More blessing will come into your life to be thankful for.

From what you say here, you won't resolve this until you contact the person and resolve this. You made a step by reaching out here, now turn that reach towards this person and that will give you the clear sign you seek - either it will work out, or you'll be free to walk away without that nagging what-if.

And if I may ask, how does being married play into this?

As for being knocked around I hear ya. I've had my fill and then some. But, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, pathetic is as pathetic does. Whataya gonna do?

Father God, be Lord over this situation. Some clarity is definitely needed here, as is some rest... Bring both to LRG. Holy Spirit gift her with wisdom and discernment, and lead her from these turbulent waters. And may she rest in Thee Lord, one of so so many weary warriors crying for rest... how long will You tarry Lord? Shorten the days, that we might make it thru them. Father we lay this before You in the Name of Your Son, Jesus, crucified that we may all find rest in You some day. Let today be a day where we find at least a little. Amen

Trailblazer:

Yes, Thank you. I am not bitter. Revenge belongs to God and if I were the type I would only hurt myself. I learned a long time ago that life sometimes does not make sense and I don't know everything there is to know so I wait for an answer. That is why I can do nothing at this time considering the circumstances.

There could be many reasons why this has transpired but only time will tell what the final answer is.

RickyZ:

First off I don't want to be rude but I don't like Forrest Gump. I think he is a goof. But that aside you are very perceptive to notice that I am married. Been married since 1992. You ask how that plays into this? Well like I said it is a very long and complicated story and my trust factor with people unfortunately is incredibly low so I hope you will try to understand and not jump to conclusions wrongly.

I'll try not to be too long but in order to make it clearer here goes.

I've known my husband since 1990 and been married since 1992. I am very loyal and don't believe in divorce unless extreme circumstances and sufficient grounds exist. No one is perfect and I know my husband's two main faults which is working too much and somewhat cold and snappy at times. I accepted him the way he is and took the good with the bad. I'm not perfect either since I do use strong language at times and am what you could call feisty. However, when I make a commitment I like to make it stick and I know love involves self-sacrifice at times.

So how this started? I used to make theological debate videos. I'm really good at that. The feisty thing again. Came across some strange people but had no interest in anyone. I like to debate or at least I used to. Anyways at times the marriage has what you could consider emotional abuse in it but I don't feel that is grounds for divorce so we argue and then make up and go on. Done this for many years. However, we moved into a new house about four years ago and some things happened that were not very good that I don't have time to explain but it was bad enough that I was very depressed and suicidal.

So this is where the friend comes in. I came across this person where I do my theological videos. Debated and/or helped him out on one of his videos when someone was bothering him. At first this person seemed somewhat reserved and shy but I also noticed that he seemed to have great integrity and I found that simply amazing. So unlike my husband or so I thought at the time. This really impressed me so when I was really down I asked this person to pray for me and help me out. He did give me some emotional support and he was always decent and 100 percent a gentleman. He never took advantage of the situation. The most decent guy I have ever come across in my entire life. Simply amazing.

So this is starting to get confusing so I hope you are following and not getting lost yet. So I really needed to figure out what was really going on and have clear answers and then make a decision from there. At that time I had seriously considered leaving my husband but I needed grounds and would not divorce just because I am hurt or angry. No impulsive decisions. It must be based on fact and not assumptions. I know that sometimes things aren't as they appear so I needed clear direction. But at the same time I never felt so low and this person was a life saver to me. Maybe I should have just managed on my own like I usually do but this man seemed so decent and intelligent and trustworthy and had such great character that I thought I could trust him and confide in him. But of course you really never know someone until you know someone so I am saying what seemed to be.

So after much interrogating and deliberation it would seem that things were not as they seemed and that my trust has not been betrayed in my marriage yet the damage has been done emotionally and because I am a very sensitive person with deep feelings I don't get past things that easily. So I remain married because I have to do the right thing and to get divorced without sufficient grounds would be wrong. And even though my husband can be a you know what at times if he really loved me then I would not be able to live with myself if I left him and broke his heart. So I feel somewhat stuck and am trying to do the right thing.

Back to the friend. He did give support but the more I talked to him the more I got attached. This man is simply amazing. He must be the most decent guy on the planet or else I am an idiot. He has his failings since he claims to have asperger's but I really don't care and find him absolutely amazing.

So this turned out to be a really hard situation for me because I am torn between what I want and the right thing to do and so far I have chosen the right thing to do. I gave a lot of years to my husband and feel that they were wasted and I just didn't want to do it anymore and wanted some happiness for a change. May sound silly but I wanted someone that maybe would really need what I have to offer and appreciate me and treat me with respect. For the most part this person did but there were times when he seemed to push me away. Which is what I am referring to as thinking things about me that are not true.

Maybe he thinks I am some opportunist that is looking for guys on the internet but that is not the case. I've been in a very long term marriage and have never had a relationship with another man for 24 years. I don't even have male friends and I don't want any. He was an exception and that has been my downfall. I should have just handled things on my own but I thought he could be trusted and he seemed like such a decent man. A real Godly man which is so rare. He has intelligence and integrity and he is also strong. Simply amazing.

So basically I think there were misunderstandings and I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my marriage so because I don't have sufficient grounds I decided to stay in my marriage even though I am still not really happy to this day. Almost four years later. Also almost four years later that I still think about this man of integrity even though I have tried to forget. That is a long time. I have not talked to this person in a long time and yet I still cannot get him off my mind and heart. This is why my heart is divided and I still do not know what the final answer is. I don't feel this is over yet because if it was then I should have gotten over this already.

So for now I stay where I am and love from a distance and pray for the person. That is all I can do. I don't like where I am but I feel stuck.

I wish I knew exactly what to do but I don't. I wish I knew what that person really thought of me but I don't. There were mixed messages so it could be both ways. But I'm not free to do anything so I don't.

I think this has been long enough but if there are any misunderstandings then I can clarify further.

I just feel this person most of the time. Kind of creepy but that is the only way to describe it. Never had this happen before so I don't know what to do. Trying to do the right thing but this person seems to be a stumbling block to me.

I need clear revelation and direction regarding this and that is not easy since it is so complicated.

There are no easy answers to this and I am unable to ask the person in question for obvious reasons. I don't think he would be honest with me and probably wouldn't even respond. So I continue to wait until I feel this is full resolved.

When you keep God #1 in your life. Everything else is pale in comparison.

What I missed in your first post. Sounds like you could contact him. But choose not to. Is this correct?
The only way to attempt to get the facts is speaking with him. Letting the mind, emotions and feelings go unchecked will
not get you the facts that you seek. A good long conversation with him should help you get to the heart of the matter.
even if he is not 100% honest.

Puting a Spiritual take on things helps me understand why some things happen that would otherwise not make sense to me. Peoples actions,thoughts,feelings and beliefs can be way off at times.

The Bible teaches us that we do not struggle with flesh and blood. It is dark forces and principalities in high places.
With that said!...God created the most powerful spiritual being in the whole universe. This being turned prideful and wanted a place above God. War broke out in the heavens and God kicked his tail, and then cast him down to this world along with a whole bunch of his buddies. (Fallen Angels) Arent we lucky.
This spirit being is called Satan. He is able to put thoughts, feelings, and temptations into human beings.
The scriptures also tells us that if we ignore these things. He will flee. He can not make us do, what we do not allow.

Satan is now against everything that God created as good. God is all about Love ,kindness, tenderheartedness, friendships, relationships, forgiveness and worship.
So when our heart is in the right place, according to the Scriptures.
In the spiritual world ,two things could be happening when things are not going as we wish.
#1...It is NOT in Gods will for us.
#2... spiritual opposition. Satan is somehow messing with us, or others so that Gods righteous plans, does not happen.

What I like about this Spiritual way of thinking. My mind is on Heavenly and Spiritual things often.
God and his Angels are more powerful then the Evil ones. So calling on Jesus and his Angels with prayer, It is nice to think that it is posable to slowdown or stop some of the work of the Evil ones. How Cool is that.

I got off topic. Maybe some good Spiritual temptation happened that I gave into.

Yes what you said in regards to #1 and #2 are correct.

And yes, I could contact him but choose not to. Considering the circumstances I don't feel this is the right time to do so. I am really asking for an answer from God or a clear revelation so as not to be misled.

I could contact him but what do I say? I'm not in a position to do anything right now so what would be the point? I just don't understand why I have had this person on my mind and heart for years now if nothing is to come of it. That is what I would like to know. If anything will come of it and if so then I will wait.

Thank you for your reply.

So, at a down point in your marriage, you met this guy who seems to be everything you ever wanted. He was a great friend who helped you considerably. But you grew attached and he found excuses not to communicate with you any more, even saying things to create some distance... and now you can't forget that which you cannot have, while the down point in the marriage continues. Did I boil that down right? That my dear is simply typical humanity, and those who lord over it.

My wife and I met 22 years ago. We dated for 4, even lived together for a time, but then we broke up. I had other girlfriends, she had other boyfriends, but as they came and went we remained friends. And that's all. But after so many years and so many comings and goings, we realized that friendship, not passion, is what was going to actually make it stick till death do part. Next year is our 10th anniversary. She wants to renew our vows, I say only if I get 24 hrs. to run first But what good would it do if I did? We'd just gravitate back together, like we always have.

Contact the guy. 99% chance says he'll not respond, if he does, consider very wisely how you pursue it. Will he be a death till part, or will he be a come and gone? And really, what does it take to achieve one over the other? In any case, the eternal what ifs will be gone and you'll see a clearer path.

Give hubby space. If you can go stay somewhere else for a little bit. Guys - humans - want what they can't have, so make yourself a little more can't-have-able. My wife goes and stays with her mother or her sister for a night or two every now and then, and you don't know what a huge de-compressor that is on the relationship. Instead of fighting for space, it becomes yeah, I kinda missed ya.

I'm on the road starting Sunday... it may take me a few days to get back to you but if you want to continue here I will.

And I'll be praying for you.

Rick

I've deleted a few posts because I really don't know how to respond to you. I'm sure you are trying to help but I don't think you are understanding me.

Please, I am not leaving my home to give my husband space. He never asked for it. And I don't like to play games like that. I think he would be very upset if I left and he would have to eat his own cooking too. Yuck!

It is just too complicated to explain and I am tired.

My main point is why is that friend still on my mind and heart? It is a stumbling block for me.

I don't want something I can't have. I don't like to waste my time on pretend. That is why this bothers me so much.

I want resolution one way or the other. Unless I am a widow some time in the future, not of my own choice, and then am free I don't see why the friend is still on my mind. It's been a couple of years so I thought there must be a reason for it.

As it stands now even if the friend contacted me and said he loved me and wanted to be with me I would not leave my husband. I do not have grounds for divorce and as long as my husband wants me I am not going anywhere. If I were to leave my husband for another man that would be an evil thing to do and I couldn't live with myself with that on my conscience. I'm not going to be responsible for breaking someone's heart and my loyalty should be to the husband and not the friend irregardless of my feelings at times.

If I had grounds for divorce or if my husband abandoned me then that would be another thing. But even then I would need to heal and jumping into another relationship too quick would be stupid.

I don't know what else to say. I need God to resolve this since I can't get people to understand this totally unless they have gone through this themselves and have a similar mindset to my own.

Thanks for your help and hopefully time will make things clearer because right now I feel like I can't really do anything.

But, let's just say I contact the friend. What am I supposed to say? Gee, you are simply amazing even if you hate me and don't want anything to do with me. And even if you do care about me I'm sorry but I can't be with you since you know I am married and I will not dump one man for another. So I basically make a donkey's behind of myself and degrade myself for some man that may or may not care about me and whom I can't be with right now anyways. See how crazy that is? That would make me look like a desperate and pathetic individual would it not? How would this friend respect me if I act like that? Maybe I should grovel and kiss his feet? I must be worth more than that, I hope. I think God will have to bring us together if that is what he wants but how is that likely if I am married? Only if I am abandoned or widowed would it work out. So far no dice so I just wait and see what happens I guess.

Maybe just pray that God will get that man out of my head and heart if he is not meant to be there. That probably would be a better solution. And if he remains then there must be a reason for that which I will find out later on in time.

Thank you for your prayers.

You are right, within the confines of this forum it is hard to express the issues and emotions which have taken years to develop. And trying to find an answer to such things is, again within the confines, pretty much a shot in the dark. But I think I hit my target

I am encouraged and happy to hear your defense of your husband and marriage, and that alone should tell you the path this has to take.

My main point is why is that friend still on my mind and heart? It is a stumbling block for me.

Well, because he was there at a time when you needed him, and it's hard to forget that. But you don't really have to forget, you just have to let go. And I'll go back to what I said about being human and who rules the humans? Who would throw up a stumbling block for me? The same powers and authorities that throw up stumbling blocks for all of us. That want to see us distracted and sidetracked from the path God wants us on. But given the idea of actually straying from it, you ... well, you said it best: As it stands now even if the friend contacted me and said he loved me and wanted to be with me I would not leave my husband. I do not have grounds for divorce and as long as my husband wants me I am not going anywhere. If I were to leave my husband for another man that would be an evil thing to do and I couldn't live with myself with that on my conscience. I'm not going to be responsible for breaking someone's heart and my loyalty should be to the husband and not the friend irregardless of my feelings at times. Amen to that, my friend, and I hope that having made that reaffirmation here, the stumbling block becomes a little smaller. And that it be a little more in you to step over it.

But, let's just say I contact the friend. What am I supposed to say? Gee, you are simply amazing even if you hate me and don't want anything to do with me. And even if you do care about me I'm sorry but I can't be with you since you know I am married and I will not dump one man for another. So I basically make a donkey's behind of myself and degrade myself for some man that may or may not care about me and whom I can't be with right now anyways. See how crazy that is? That would make me look like a desperate and pathetic individual would it not? How would this friend respect me if I act like that? Maybe I should grovel and kiss his feet? I must be worth more than that, I hope. I think God will have to bring us together if that is what he wants but how is that likely if I am married? Only if I am abandoned or widowed would it work out.

Exactly. And may those thoughts as well gird you against the stumbling blocks.

since I can't get people to understand this totally unless they have gone through this themselves and have a similar mindset to my own.This is far more common than you think. Try to understand that those who have been thru it may have a different perspective than those who are in it.

Maybe just pray that God will get that man out of my head and heart if he is not meant to be there. That probably would be a better solution. And if he remains then there must be a reason for that which I will find out later on in time.

No maybe about it, Father God please get that man out of LRG's head and heart, or expose the reason for why he is there. Make clear her path, and remove the stumbling stones. As she has confessed and confirmed here, reward her faith in her marriage and Your commands and heal this marriage. Father thank You for the privilege we have to bring these things before You, and that where we agree in the Name of Your Son it will be loosed. Let Your mind be in her mind, and Your heart in her heart, that she may appropriately place this other man in the hierarchy of Your love. Holy Spirit renew her heart and mind, that having confirmed her stand she may move on. I ask this in Jesus' Name, Amen.

And if he remains there, pray for him.

Yes, you hit the target. Thank you for the time and consideration you have spent in trying to understand and respond to my post.

So far he is still there so I will continue to pray for him. You never know what the future holds.

If I feel the need and if circumstances change then I will post again.

Thank you for your time.

If you know where to contact him then you should. You are not pathetic at all. It does not matter why anything happen but what happens from here on out. You can certainly do something about your feelings. You can tell him. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You think about this person because you care about him. Step out of your discomfort zone and contact him.

I promise with all my heart I am not trying to be mean here but am I the only one who sees the elephant in the room?

Fact you are married happy or not does not matter and this guy left clear as I can see it as he knew you were married and didn't want to tempt or cause a breakup in your marriage. We as humans make mistakes and some we end up having to live with.

I would get down on my knees and give this issue to God and ask Him to help clear your mind and give you direction and help on how to learn how to rekindle the love you once had for your husband. Things like this are complicated because you are dwelling on something you really shouldn't be dwelling on. This is how satan gets in and causes so much confusion in our minds.

Dear Father In Heaven

You know I don't know how to really help this sister, but she has major confusion and thoughts in areas she should not be dwelling in and it is just causing her so much emotional pain so please Father help her have clarity of mind and reveal to her a course of action that would bring honor and glory to You. I place her in Your hands Father as I don't know what else to try and help her with, but You know what she needs.

Send Your angels to her and please have them fight back the evil that is trying to destroy her emotions and her marriage. We trust that You will fix this for her Father In Jesus Name Amen

Not to be rude but may I correct you on a few things? Maybe you need to read my posts again. I know I am married and I know adultery is wrong and I know that I do not have sufficient grounds for divorce at this time. I met my husband 24 years ago and he is the only man I have slept with in that 24 years. I would never be with another man whilst I am still married. I would have to be free first and obviously I am not.

The man in question was an online friend that I came across whilst doing theological videos. I was not actively looking for any man. I don't have male friends and I don't want any. I helped him on one of his videos and you can tell he is a decent man with integrity. He was always a gentleman and never did or encouraged anything improper.

To cut things short I asked him to pray for me when I was going through a particularly low time and needed to figure some things out. I was very depressed at that time and suicidal due to circumstances that I don't wish to explain here. I am still depressed but not as bad as before. This was about four years ago. He helped me and gave me the emotional support that I needed at the time. The more I got to know him the more I discovered just how amazing he really is but I am married so there is nothing I can do about it. He was always a gentleman and never took advantage of the situation. He has too much integrity. He seemed to care about me too but then pulled back. I also pulled back since I know I could not continue to converse with him and just be friends. I would be only getting deeper into something that I should not be doing.

Sorry, but you make it sound like I am a cheating you know what. Believe me I am not. If I wanted to cheat on my husband I would have done it years ago. If I wanted to dump my husband for a man that is probably 1000 times more decent I would have done it but I didn't. If I wanted to contact the estranged friend and profess my love I could have done that too, many times over, but I didn't. I am trying to do the right thing but this man is still in my mind and heart. I even have dreams about him. There is a reason for that of which I don't absolutely know for sure. All I do know is that I am staying with my husband because I do not have grounds for divorce and I will not be responsible for breaking my husband's heart if he genuinely loves and needs me. I am not just thinking about myself here because if I was then I would be gone by now and I wouldn't care either. I am not that kind of person.

As for rekindling love? Well, I have been a faithful wife and take care of the home, my grandbaby and my small business. I am always here for my husband and I take care of the house and do not shirk my responsibilities. I take marriage and commitment very seriously and that is why I have been with him for 24 years total. That is a long time so you and your elephant could at least give me credit for that. I still make yummy food and I don't have any passion problems so I am trying on my end but unfortunately I am also a sensitive individual and when I have been hurt enough then I protect myself by not getting too emotionally close to the one who has hurt me. This is not just one little thing. My husband is at times emotionally abusive and the low point I went through was really bad but I still don't have sufficient grounds for divorce so I stay.

If I was actually cheated on, beat up, or abandoned then that would be it. I would get a divorce and not think twice. But like I said I have no grounds and as long as my husband still loves and needs me I will stay. I don't know if my feelings will come back because of the kind of person I am but I am trying and am honoring my commitment just the same.

So as it stands I am not free and I am not pursuing a relationship with this man because of that. I will continue to pray for him and like I said you never know what is in the future. And you can have all the pink elephants you want dancing in your living room but I know who I am and what I have been through and I also know right from wrong and I try to do what is right.

I may consider doing that in the future but I don't feel it would be wise at this time. It would be much better if I was free first. Maybe he is to be in my future. Only the test of time will tell what is to be.

If he continues to torment my mind and heart I may have to tell him but do it in such a way as to not compromise my current stand regarding my marriage. That would be extremely tricky and for now I don't feel safe doing so and I don't think it is wise at this time.

But I continue to pray for him that Lord Jesus protects him, comforts him and takes care of him. I want what is best for him and I want him to be safe in God's hands.

Thank you for your concern and response.

Oh, I forget to add that if anyone causes the breakup in my marriage it would be my husband and his crappy treatment of me at times. You have no idea. You really should think before you judge. I think your elephant is clouding your perceptions.

Forgive me if you think I was judging you as that certainly was not my intent. Dwelling on this other man though has it really been good for your emotional state? If your husband is abusing you emotionally then maybe you should separate for a while just to take a break to help heal your emotions. I truly meant you no harm as you do sound distressed. Again meant no judgment toward you. Prayers sent your way on your behalf.