30 days is over and God has once again shown his glory, but God works on HIS TIME, not mine! I don’t know WHY I still continue to do this to myself, but I have it in my head for some reason, that when you fast, your breakthrough will come right away. It’s never happened for me that way, yet still I forget about the last time. It wasn’t until 2 days ago, that breakthrough came. Yes, after 28 days of hell and wondering if it was worth it many times, THEN and only THEN –tada!
When you ask to do the Lords work, be prepared for tests, tests and more tests! I know he is preparing me and I refuse to give up. On my knees weeping, I continue to tell Him I won’t ever give up on Him. Be careful what you ask for my brothers and sisters, for God will give you what you need to get what you ask and it’s not always an easy process. Let me help someone – don’t cry and plead with God to use you for his glory and not expect trials and testing! When I decided to give my life and heart over to God I said “O.K. Lord I’m here and ready for you, just use me”. So what did God do? He put me right into the ring and I started being used of Him immediately… …… OH WAIT….THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED! NOT EVEN CLOSE!! God probably was saying something more along the lines of OK my child has finally come around and asked to be used by Me, but she doesn’t realize she isn’t ready by MY standards and hasn’t fully submitted to me so I need to break her completely of herself so she has to go through some major testing and trials to make sure her heart is really with Me because I will not let just anyone be used by Me – only those who are really ready and willing. I realized through this fast, that God is not about to send out an unprepared servant to go out and hurt His children. I was asking God to use me, thinking it was just something He was going to do since I asked sincerely. I really wanted to do His will. But the reality is that God has to prepare me for His work. I had too much me and not enough God in me and I had to be broken.
BROKEN - I think that when the world hears that word, they are thinking that someone is broken when they loose someone or something. I think that people of the world look at someone like me and see me as broken because my ex husband left me. That may have left me with a broken heart, but it is not the broken that I am speaking of. Being broken through Christ, to me anyhow, is an invitation to the Lord to come in and remove all of ME so I can be all of HIM. I want to mirror the life of Christ, but I realize that God knows that we can’t FULLY be like Him because – well we aren’t! His word says “we all come short of the glory of God”. So God knows that even though we might want to live a completely Christ like life, it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to do so. So that leaves us with the reality that we can ONLY do the best we can right?
WRONG, because the world does the best they can as well. How many times have you said or heard “well I’m a good person and I just do the best I can”. Well, God’s standards are HIGHER than that. The Lord says that if you HATE someone, you have committed murder in your heart. And if one person doesn’t hate but steals, they are EQUALLY a sinner as an actual murderer or adulterer. God doesn’t judge sin like our flesh or our legal system does. There are no minor infractions and felonies in His eyes. So we are all screwed right? No, because Jesus died for our sins – all of them! There is nothing you could have done that will ever be too great for what he died for.
All Jesus wants, is for us to turn away from a sinful life and accept the gift of salvation by accepting Him as our Lord and savior. It’s much more than just saying I believe in God. The bible says demons believe in God, so if that’s all I got, then yes…. I am screwed!
God has commandments and the most important one is –“ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind”. That’s it! That is the greatest commandment He gives! You would think that was the easiest, yet not everyone finds this so easy, me included. So I want to do better than the BEST I can. How? By asking God to make me more like HIM, something I can’t do without his grace and blessing.
This fast has provided me with an amazing revelation? Let me share Gods amazing work in me. If you know me, you know my testimony. If you don’t let me sum it up part of it – my husband and best friend for 18 years left me for the world in 08/07 and I came to Christ a few weeks later. Obviously there is more to that, but only that much is needed to share this testimony. So the past weeks I have been struggling, and again to a point where I wanted to run away. Making a LOT of mistakes, fighting battles and not allowing the Lord to break me. I was still trying to fix things and not letting Him work in me. Convincing myself that the Lord does NOT have plans for me of a future filled with love or a family. So, my sista finally showed me my pattern of trying to create plans to ease my situation. It was harsh to hear, but necessary. I began to ask the Lord to show me the things that I needed deliverance from. Whatever needed to be broken, I wanted him to break. I wanted the Holy Spirit to gag me when I spoke out of ME and not out of Him.
I was reading the Bible about Soloman asking God over and over to forgive Israel. A nation, people this King didn’t even know personally, but still prayed for. Soloman felt his people were worth it. So I was meditating on “turning away from the Lord to sin” when I heard a voice say “you stuck with your husband through thick and thin, you were always there for him since the beginning because he was worth it” and then I responded “and he wasn’t there for me, he turned away from God and ran away from me and made me feel like I wasn’t worth as much to him as he had been worth to me”. I began to sob and the Lord showed me that my tears were because of being abandoned by my best friend during the hardest time in my life. I said “thank you Father for showing me what this trial has been about” and immediately He showed me Peter and the other apostles running away from Him in the Garden of Gethsemene when He was being arrested. I began to weep even more because I KNEW He was telling me that He understands the pain of being abandoned because even God felt abandoned by His beloved friends, His brothers – HIS CHOSEN. As much as they loved Jesus, at that moment and to them - Jesus was not worth sticking around for! I felt this tremendous hurt, not for me anymore but for what Jesus experienced when people He loved turned from Him. I started to apologize to God for the apostles leaving Him and then I started to apologize to God on behalf of my husband, for him abandoning me. God then immediately brought me to the cross and I saw that even through the abandonment He felt, HE NEVER GAVE UP ON HIS PURPOSE AND ON US!
No matter what we did to HIM, He never gave up on US! God could have abandoned his commission on earth and just said we were not worth it. But God believes we are so worth it, he left paradise, lived in our world 33 years, was rejected, tortured and crucified - just so we could be with him forever. I wept more than I had in months, because I realized that God never gave up on ME – He has always felt I was “worth it”. Even though I had been feeling abandoned by my ex-husband - the one I had loved for so long, I was not going to give up on the one who has loved me since before I was in my mothers womb! I would not run away from my assignment, no matter how hard it may be or how alone I felt. I wept for forgiveness for the apostles and my ex-husband & I praised God for my trial, for my pain, for my abandonment, for my heartache and loneliness. I thanked God for it all because I know that it’s His will for me to be in this situation so He could bring me to a place where some day I could share scripture AND testimony about abandonment and forgiveness to anyone the Lord would put in my path.
This pain I have gone through lately was never about my ex-husband. God removed him from my heart long ago. I love my ex-husband as a child of God, but that’s it. I forgave him by Gods love for us both. By praying for those who have hurt me, I couldn’t help but love them. If people don’t understand that, that’s on them. God knows my heart and He knows WHO is in! My first love is God.
Recently I asked the Lord for confirmation of my heart when it came to my ex-husband, to see if there was a part of me that still was in love with him because even though I didn’t believe so, others thought that might be the reason I was still struggling. In an amazing dream God showed me that all my ex was going to be in my life was a scar - just a painLESS reminder of the past . That’s all. My ex will never serve a purpose in my life, except as a point of reference. God has since shown me what it means to be a Godly wife and a Godly husband, and that is what I want for my life in the future. I know that blessing is coming, and patiently I wait on God.
As much as I would like to start going out, I continue to pray God will not put anyone in my path who doesn’t belong there. I am not desperate to want to be with someone, I only want to be with the person God has for me. See, I was with someone outside of Gods will for almost 18 years – but sin is only fun for a season and NOW - the party is over! All that is left, as with most parties, is the trash – the mess! This time, I’m letting God be the director in round 2! I spent too long outside His will before I was saved. Well no thanks – not again for me!
When you ask to do the Lords work, be prepared for tests, tests and more tests! I know he is preparing me and I refuse to give up. On my knees weeping, I continue to tell Him I won’t ever give up on Him. Be careful what you ask for my brothers and sisters, for God will give you what you need to get what you ask and it’s not always an easy process. Let me help someone – don’t cry and plead with God to use you for his glory and not expect trials and testing! When I decided to give my life and heart over to God I said “O.K. Lord I’m here and ready for you, just use me”. So what did God do? He put me right into the ring and I started being used of Him immediately… …… OH WAIT….THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED! NOT EVEN CLOSE!! God probably was saying something more along the lines of OK my child has finally come around and asked to be used by Me, but she doesn’t realize she isn’t ready by MY standards and hasn’t fully submitted to me so I need to break her completely of herself so she has to go through some major testing and trials to make sure her heart is really with Me because I will not let just anyone be used by Me – only those who are really ready and willing. I realized through this fast, that God is not about to send out an unprepared servant to go out and hurt His children. I was asking God to use me, thinking it was just something He was going to do since I asked sincerely. I really wanted to do His will. But the reality is that God has to prepare me for His work. I had too much me and not enough God in me and I had to be broken.
BROKEN - I think that when the world hears that word, they are thinking that someone is broken when they loose someone or something. I think that people of the world look at someone like me and see me as broken because my ex husband left me. That may have left me with a broken heart, but it is not the broken that I am speaking of. Being broken through Christ, to me anyhow, is an invitation to the Lord to come in and remove all of ME so I can be all of HIM. I want to mirror the life of Christ, but I realize that God knows that we can’t FULLY be like Him because – well we aren’t! His word says “we all come short of the glory of God”. So God knows that even though we might want to live a completely Christ like life, it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to do so. So that leaves us with the reality that we can ONLY do the best we can right?
WRONG, because the world does the best they can as well. How many times have you said or heard “well I’m a good person and I just do the best I can”. Well, God’s standards are HIGHER than that. The Lord says that if you HATE someone, you have committed murder in your heart. And if one person doesn’t hate but steals, they are EQUALLY a sinner as an actual murderer or adulterer. God doesn’t judge sin like our flesh or our legal system does. There are no minor infractions and felonies in His eyes. So we are all screwed right? No, because Jesus died for our sins – all of them! There is nothing you could have done that will ever be too great for what he died for.
All Jesus wants, is for us to turn away from a sinful life and accept the gift of salvation by accepting Him as our Lord and savior. It’s much more than just saying I believe in God. The bible says demons believe in God, so if that’s all I got, then yes…. I am screwed!
God has commandments and the most important one is –“ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind”. That’s it! That is the greatest commandment He gives! You would think that was the easiest, yet not everyone finds this so easy, me included. So I want to do better than the BEST I can. How? By asking God to make me more like HIM, something I can’t do without his grace and blessing.
This fast has provided me with an amazing revelation? Let me share Gods amazing work in me. If you know me, you know my testimony. If you don’t let me sum it up part of it – my husband and best friend for 18 years left me for the world in 08/07 and I came to Christ a few weeks later. Obviously there is more to that, but only that much is needed to share this testimony. So the past weeks I have been struggling, and again to a point where I wanted to run away. Making a LOT of mistakes, fighting battles and not allowing the Lord to break me. I was still trying to fix things and not letting Him work in me. Convincing myself that the Lord does NOT have plans for me of a future filled with love or a family. So, my sista finally showed me my pattern of trying to create plans to ease my situation. It was harsh to hear, but necessary. I began to ask the Lord to show me the things that I needed deliverance from. Whatever needed to be broken, I wanted him to break. I wanted the Holy Spirit to gag me when I spoke out of ME and not out of Him.
I was reading the Bible about Soloman asking God over and over to forgive Israel. A nation, people this King didn’t even know personally, but still prayed for. Soloman felt his people were worth it. So I was meditating on “turning away from the Lord to sin” when I heard a voice say “you stuck with your husband through thick and thin, you were always there for him since the beginning because he was worth it” and then I responded “and he wasn’t there for me, he turned away from God and ran away from me and made me feel like I wasn’t worth as much to him as he had been worth to me”. I began to sob and the Lord showed me that my tears were because of being abandoned by my best friend during the hardest time in my life. I said “thank you Father for showing me what this trial has been about” and immediately He showed me Peter and the other apostles running away from Him in the Garden of Gethsemene when He was being arrested. I began to weep even more because I KNEW He was telling me that He understands the pain of being abandoned because even God felt abandoned by His beloved friends, His brothers – HIS CHOSEN. As much as they loved Jesus, at that moment and to them - Jesus was not worth sticking around for! I felt this tremendous hurt, not for me anymore but for what Jesus experienced when people He loved turned from Him. I started to apologize to God for the apostles leaving Him and then I started to apologize to God on behalf of my husband, for him abandoning me. God then immediately brought me to the cross and I saw that even through the abandonment He felt, HE NEVER GAVE UP ON HIS PURPOSE AND ON US!
No matter what we did to HIM, He never gave up on US! God could have abandoned his commission on earth and just said we were not worth it. But God believes we are so worth it, he left paradise, lived in our world 33 years, was rejected, tortured and crucified - just so we could be with him forever. I wept more than I had in months, because I realized that God never gave up on ME – He has always felt I was “worth it”. Even though I had been feeling abandoned by my ex-husband - the one I had loved for so long, I was not going to give up on the one who has loved me since before I was in my mothers womb! I would not run away from my assignment, no matter how hard it may be or how alone I felt. I wept for forgiveness for the apostles and my ex-husband & I praised God for my trial, for my pain, for my abandonment, for my heartache and loneliness. I thanked God for it all because I know that it’s His will for me to be in this situation so He could bring me to a place where some day I could share scripture AND testimony about abandonment and forgiveness to anyone the Lord would put in my path.
This pain I have gone through lately was never about my ex-husband. God removed him from my heart long ago. I love my ex-husband as a child of God, but that’s it. I forgave him by Gods love for us both. By praying for those who have hurt me, I couldn’t help but love them. If people don’t understand that, that’s on them. God knows my heart and He knows WHO is in! My first love is God.
Recently I asked the Lord for confirmation of my heart when it came to my ex-husband, to see if there was a part of me that still was in love with him because even though I didn’t believe so, others thought that might be the reason I was still struggling. In an amazing dream God showed me that all my ex was going to be in my life was a scar - just a painLESS reminder of the past . That’s all. My ex will never serve a purpose in my life, except as a point of reference. God has since shown me what it means to be a Godly wife and a Godly husband, and that is what I want for my life in the future. I know that blessing is coming, and patiently I wait on God.
As much as I would like to start going out, I continue to pray God will not put anyone in my path who doesn’t belong there. I am not desperate to want to be with someone, I only want to be with the person God has for me. See, I was with someone outside of Gods will for almost 18 years – but sin is only fun for a season and NOW - the party is over! All that is left, as with most parties, is the trash – the mess! This time, I’m letting God be the director in round 2! I spent too long outside His will before I was saved. Well no thanks – not again for me!