Wow. So...I've been feeling the need to share this right out there and so, here goes.
The night I typed Christian Chat in my browser, I was a broken, terrified, bawling my eyes out, drunken mess. I'd lost my job, health insurance, for the first time in my life I couldn't just walk in and land a job, and I was left with nothing but me and my beer. No where to go, no one to talk to all day, just me...and my beer. Battling major depression for years and now without my medicine, I was spiraling downward fast...my head feeling like it would explode right off my shoulders. I had to find something, somebody, who I could talk to. So....I typed in Christian Chat...and landed here. I was afraid to talk because of all the crazy thoughts racing through my mind all the time, so I listened. There was a lot of craziness, things I'd never heard of, but it was all I had and so I listened. I also heard a lot of strong Christians sharing the Word and reaching out to younger folks and I began learning. Over time, some of these Christians even reached out to me and I began to trust them. My mind, however, had spiraled out of control and I became delusional. What the psychs call, ''psychosis!'' I didn't know what was happening...I just knew something was severely wrong and I was terrified most the time. One night it became very praiseful in CC and some of us were just worshiping for the longest time....and I walked straight away from the alcohol. I didn't even have a craving for it, after drinking for so many years. Only now I was alone nothing to do and with no alcohol...with my thoughts spinning out of control...coming and going out of lucid moments. I didn't walk...I RAN to Church! The first time in many years...and I began crying out to God, begging and pleading for Him and for what was going on to just stop. I couldn't imagine that anyone in hell could possibly endure as much as I was going through...that surely hell could never be this horrific and terrifying! I began staying with my Mother, and even that didn't help my feeling of being alone...somehow completely detached from even the human race. I was broke, too afraid to admit myself to a hospital because I feared they would never let me loose. I just kept on praying and reading the Word...at all times during the day, night, and wee hours of the morning. And sitting in Bible studies in CC, Bible sharing, debates, etc. I wanted to soak in as much of Him as I possibly could as He was the only One I knew I could count on to be true, and to be Real. It is only when I was with Him that the terror would subside a bit. But He wasn't taking the craziness inside my head away! It wouldn't stop! So I just hung on more and more, longer and longer. And finally, my Dad told me about a site in India where I could purchase meds (that I used to take) and they would be affordable. But where was God? (Ha!) Little by little the terror began subsiding, a week, two weeks...and I was slowly coming back to myself. Only this time I hung on to God for my own dear life! NEVER again did I EVER want to go through anything so terrifying without God right there at my side..not way back on the shelf where I'd put Him so many years before. I sat and I learned more and more in CC and was so grateful to God for delivering me from the alcohol and from the terror!!! And then....believing I was delivered forever more from alcohol...I decided a drink with dinner sounded pretty tasty...after 9 months I picked up a drink. And why not? I was delivered, right? I learned that just isn't how it works. If the Lord takes it away from you...do NOT turn back to it! Not but a few months later there I was...full blown...drinking as much as before. I was so ashamed, humiliated. I'd told my, ''deliverance,'' testimony to others and now here I sat...a drunk...defeated. Those few I'd made close friends with in CC noticed a difference in me, and I entrusted them with my secret. I was drunk.
They were so beautiful to me...so loving and kind. They never pointed a finger and said, ''Ah ha!''. They let me share, listened to me pour my heart out when they knew I wasn't even sober...and they just kept on loving me. God bless you and you know who you are if you are reading this. They, or better yet Christ in them, gave me a life line to hold on to. Prayer and love when I needed it most. They loved me even when I wasn't so loving. And I found sobriety again...this time it was a little bit tougher. I had the cravings from time to time, but I stayed in CC, studying and praying with others. The debates no longer intrigued me, (though I do have to say I learned an awful lot of scripture through them...and an awful lot about the enemy, too.) I found myself craving peace and only peace. It was hard for me to stay in the Word all on my own..one day would pass that would become two days...then three. Then I found a Bible Study where nothing but peace was in the room. And there I still am over a year later. I tried going back to listen to the debates, the enemy coming in to disrupt...but it had taken on a whole different look to me. I felt so strongly convicted to not be a part of it, but to be a part of peace. And I found others with a like mind, like myself, who just crave His Word and peace and understanding in His Word. We were being changed. Transformed! Hallelujah! I could not believe it when it hit me. Me! He could change even me.Hallelujah, I just want to praise Him and thank Him so much! Just over and over. He took a broken up mess and He changed...even me. And I want to thank each and every one of you CCers who put up with me...when I wasn't so loveable. God bless you, richly.
The night I typed Christian Chat in my browser, I was a broken, terrified, bawling my eyes out, drunken mess. I'd lost my job, health insurance, for the first time in my life I couldn't just walk in and land a job, and I was left with nothing but me and my beer. No where to go, no one to talk to all day, just me...and my beer. Battling major depression for years and now without my medicine, I was spiraling downward fast...my head feeling like it would explode right off my shoulders. I had to find something, somebody, who I could talk to. So....I typed in Christian Chat...and landed here. I was afraid to talk because of all the crazy thoughts racing through my mind all the time, so I listened. There was a lot of craziness, things I'd never heard of, but it was all I had and so I listened. I also heard a lot of strong Christians sharing the Word and reaching out to younger folks and I began learning. Over time, some of these Christians even reached out to me and I began to trust them. My mind, however, had spiraled out of control and I became delusional. What the psychs call, ''psychosis!'' I didn't know what was happening...I just knew something was severely wrong and I was terrified most the time. One night it became very praiseful in CC and some of us were just worshiping for the longest time....and I walked straight away from the alcohol. I didn't even have a craving for it, after drinking for so many years. Only now I was alone nothing to do and with no alcohol...with my thoughts spinning out of control...coming and going out of lucid moments. I didn't walk...I RAN to Church! The first time in many years...and I began crying out to God, begging and pleading for Him and for what was going on to just stop. I couldn't imagine that anyone in hell could possibly endure as much as I was going through...that surely hell could never be this horrific and terrifying! I began staying with my Mother, and even that didn't help my feeling of being alone...somehow completely detached from even the human race. I was broke, too afraid to admit myself to a hospital because I feared they would never let me loose. I just kept on praying and reading the Word...at all times during the day, night, and wee hours of the morning. And sitting in Bible studies in CC, Bible sharing, debates, etc. I wanted to soak in as much of Him as I possibly could as He was the only One I knew I could count on to be true, and to be Real. It is only when I was with Him that the terror would subside a bit. But He wasn't taking the craziness inside my head away! It wouldn't stop! So I just hung on more and more, longer and longer. And finally, my Dad told me about a site in India where I could purchase meds (that I used to take) and they would be affordable. But where was God? (Ha!) Little by little the terror began subsiding, a week, two weeks...and I was slowly coming back to myself. Only this time I hung on to God for my own dear life! NEVER again did I EVER want to go through anything so terrifying without God right there at my side..not way back on the shelf where I'd put Him so many years before. I sat and I learned more and more in CC and was so grateful to God for delivering me from the alcohol and from the terror!!! And then....believing I was delivered forever more from alcohol...I decided a drink with dinner sounded pretty tasty...after 9 months I picked up a drink. And why not? I was delivered, right? I learned that just isn't how it works. If the Lord takes it away from you...do NOT turn back to it! Not but a few months later there I was...full blown...drinking as much as before. I was so ashamed, humiliated. I'd told my, ''deliverance,'' testimony to others and now here I sat...a drunk...defeated. Those few I'd made close friends with in CC noticed a difference in me, and I entrusted them with my secret. I was drunk.
They were so beautiful to me...so loving and kind. They never pointed a finger and said, ''Ah ha!''. They let me share, listened to me pour my heart out when they knew I wasn't even sober...and they just kept on loving me. God bless you and you know who you are if you are reading this. They, or better yet Christ in them, gave me a life line to hold on to. Prayer and love when I needed it most. They loved me even when I wasn't so loving. And I found sobriety again...this time it was a little bit tougher. I had the cravings from time to time, but I stayed in CC, studying and praying with others. The debates no longer intrigued me, (though I do have to say I learned an awful lot of scripture through them...and an awful lot about the enemy, too.) I found myself craving peace and only peace. It was hard for me to stay in the Word all on my own..one day would pass that would become two days...then three. Then I found a Bible Study where nothing but peace was in the room. And there I still am over a year later. I tried going back to listen to the debates, the enemy coming in to disrupt...but it had taken on a whole different look to me. I felt so strongly convicted to not be a part of it, but to be a part of peace. And I found others with a like mind, like myself, who just crave His Word and peace and understanding in His Word. We were being changed. Transformed! Hallelujah! I could not believe it when it hit me. Me! He could change even me.Hallelujah, I just want to praise Him and thank Him so much! Just over and over. He took a broken up mess and He changed...even me. And I want to thank each and every one of you CCers who put up with me...when I wasn't so loveable. God bless you, richly.
