Exposure Therapy

To be honest, I'm not sure of the outcome of this testimony...I'm battling now. I do know the outcome ... the final outcome is heaven. Yet now, it is gray. Not dark. Just twilight and painful. I was raped at a very young age. Then brainwashed to cover the tracks. I fought that and won... unbeknownst to them. Trust has not been easy ever since then and more painful things (believe it or not) came to pass. Loss of family security, loss of my own children and my ability to raise them as I dreamed, loss of self...near suicide, actual attempts...ensued. I had my children here...I was so 'inside' my children did not have me.

I work now with those who struggle. God is so good in my life. I overcame the suicide concerns, overcame small time drug use, overcame drinking, overcame smoking most recently...lost 100 lbs...gained that back, unfortunately. One thing, however has not changed. That is relationships.

I have struggled with them. Good battles evil...evil people...these are people...not demons. As a child I couldn't discern one evil for another. The age old battle of the lessor of two evils was lost on me and nearly cost a person their life. I did not lie, but was henceforth, forsaken for what I did not understand.

Trust is so hard to do.

My testimony is for tomorrow. Later, today, as it is. I am setting out to MAKE trust happen for me. I'm going to trust one of many in a group of 12 or more, knowing everything I share will go office-viral. Not the deep secrets, the faith secrets. "I have faith this will not stop here". "I have faith you are a person, not a demon". "I have faith you would like to be a friend/confidant as much as I'd like to have you be one".

I smile now. I have a phobia. Called, "Trust issues". I'm going in for Exposure Therapy on this one. After 50 years, I'm going in...

Pray for me.
Love -student

Safe passage.

Exposure therapy.....would some think less of you if you gave full disclosure of your life? As a young child for a while I lived at 314 Grafton St in Muncie Indiana and would you believe there were not one but two child molesters on the street. One used candy to entice his victims and the other used baby chickens running around in the yard. They both touched young girls in inappropriate places and one exposed himself when the young girl looked through the window while playing with the chickens in the yard. At least one of them got caught and the neighbors were warned.... So no more visits to those houses.

Then later a young woman has an abortion because she knows she will get no help from the father and she can't afford to have a second child and she agonizes over whether or not to have the abortion, but in the end she does and has to live with the consequences of the decision made.

Later she finds herself living with a drug dealer that is selling pot and cocaine she had needed a roommate to share in living expenses and he needed the same. She did smoke some pot but never touched the cocaine even though it was offered to her for free.... She didn't understand how the guy came to be a drug dealer listening to his life story because he came from good parents... His father worked on the space program Voyager projects and they were well off he could have gone to college and gotten a good education but instead he rebelled and left home ending up selling drugs. They were not boyfriend and girlfriend they just shared expenses living in the same house in different rooms until her house was being brought up to code....and it dawned on her choice not chance determines destiny....we choose to serve God or not....When her house was ready they parted ways and she never heard from him again.

At 40 she had become depressed and not happy with the merry-go-round life that had been going on....death of both parents early in life, marriage at 17 and divorced by 24.....the wrong choices she had made, in and out of church, confusion and chaos, a teenager and load of responsibility were too much to handle and she attempted suicide but thank God failed ending up in a mental hospital and under a doctors care.... taking meds and regular therapy sessions fought her way back to almost normal....

The great thing is ones life is always full disclosure with God as He sees everything that goes on and sees what is happening to each one of us at all times and how these things can either tear us away from Him or bring us closer to Him... He is so patient and keeps talking to our hearts and finally she understands His salvation at 56 and she has not been the same since....

So you ask yourself will people think less of me if they know more? This is what I call exposure therapy. God loves me with an everlasting love and He loves you with that same love. Don't be afraid to expose yourself because He already knows everything about you. He Loves you anyway.....always and forever more.

I've heard a quote that suggests, "People will accept you, once you accept yourself." I live 'inside' at at times in a bizarre world where memories flood back and circumstances of today are ignored. When I've shared before, none believed me. Called it, "Crazy talk!" Called me a "Liar". I'm wound like a clock somedays. The one person I did trust who actually listened, has now gone on to other things. That's ok. I tend to spin in those tracks. Moving up from the rape at 4 to the bullying at 14, rape at 18, marriage at 19, divorce at 20something...Voices ever after and not always happy ones. The general consensus in this community, "She deserved it!' "It's her own ____ fault." Not to mention additional rumors, wrongful gossip and family dislike. I'm ashamed to write these things. Frightened of them going public. Alone, save for God, I haven't gotten it together yet...even with a Christian therapist. I didn't talk to them yesterday. Setting sites on Monday. maybe... Prayers needed. Hugs appreciated. Forgiveness hoped for.

Forgiveness is yours already through the love of God and Jesus Christ.

To that I add my prayers and hugs for you, with
sincere thanks for your courage to be so honest.



We know that in all things God works for the good of those
who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.