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If I am to tell my story, I have to begin many years ago. It's unfortunate, but true. This will be a long post, so I will post a disclaimer for you holier-than-thou types
I am not a Christian
If that offends you, please hit the back button on your browser and go argue apologetics, or something else. I am who I am. Accept it or don't. I don't care either way.
I was born the only child to a Mother who was a tried-and-true agnostic/atheist and a Father who was a lapsed Catholic who left the RCC after Vatican II. Religion was not a topic of discussion growing up, but I had a lot of questions. I had nobody to talk to, so I put my questions aside while growing up.
When I was 18, and after I graduated high school, I went to basic training in the Marine Corps. During my time in service, I did a LOT of things I didn't want to do, and a lot of things I still regret, and they weigh on me to this day and I still have nightmares about them from time to time.
After my military time, I spiraled down a dark hole. Drugs. Sexual immorality. Crime. Prison. Not a good time in my life. Not a part of my life I am proud of, but at least I can say I know what prison smells like and what it feels like to kill someone with a sharpened toothbrush to avoid being made a sexual slave.
After that point in my life, I tried to turn things around. I went to school to get my BS degree and ended up getting married along the way. The marriage didn't work out because I wasn't physical enough for her so she got her sexual gratification elsewhere. I divorced her much to my financial ruin, and began my life anew. I met another woman, married her, and the same thing happened. So, lather, rinse and repeat. I'm just not meant for relationships with women. I don't like sex. Ick. I cannot have children (thankfully), so there is no point in me being sexually active.
In the summer of 2011 I hit a very low point. I tried to commit suicide. I failed, obviously, but I got very close. I saw “something” during my time in between worlds as I was being revived that made me want to explore spirituality afterwards. I looked in all kinds of places to seek what I was looking for, but avoided Christianity on purpose because all the Christians I had known in my life were a bunch of self-righteous, indignant, holier-than-thou, hypocrites who couldn't form a decent argument if their life depended on it and I thought they were, collectively, a gigantic bunch of losers.
In spring of 2012, my mother committed suicide, and I was left to take care of my very ill Father. I was still reeling from my experience in 2011, and was not equipped to handle the responsibility of caring for a parent.
The next year was very tumultuous for me. I was learning how to be a care-giver full time to a parent, learning how to adjust to being single once again, learning how to adjust to a period of protracted unemployment, and learning how to remove myself from my criminal past, which I was not successful at. In the Spring of 2012, I had an opportunity to try DMT, a VERY powerful hallucinogen, and I jumped at the opportunity, thinking it would help me explore my spirituality.
My first time trying it, I did too little and didn't have much of an experience. My second time, I did enough to have a “breakthrough” and wow...did I ever. I felt my consciousness being extracted from my body like toothpaste through a tube. Fractal patterns. Machine elves. Smoke beings with kitty-cat faces. A thousand years of life in a moment. All of it. Soon though, I found myself in a realm, standing before a bright light, with a feeling of sheer power washing over me. It took me a moment, but soon, I realized where I was, and I reached out my arms like a child longing for his mother and I said in my mind “God, do you love me?”
Immediately, I was covered, enraptured, overcome with the most loving embrace I have ever felt. Had to be 1000x better than any hug a mother could give a child. I felt so safe and secure in that embrace. I began to cry. Both in my mind and for real. I grasped at my pillow as I lay in bed and I begged “please, just hold me. I just want you to hold me”. I heard a voice in my mind - “Jon, I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. Come to me. Get to know me.”
For days after that experience, I was in a tailspin. I tried to ignore it. It couldn't have been God. I was a murderer, a thief, a total wretch. God couldn't possibly love me.
This last Christmas holiday though, 2015, I found myself walking through the bookstore I like to frequent, and I felt absolutely compelled to buy a Bible, so I did, and I have been studying it ever since. If I will become a Christian, I cannot say, but this is my testimony, so take it for what you will.
I am not a Christian
If that offends you, please hit the back button on your browser and go argue apologetics, or something else. I am who I am. Accept it or don't. I don't care either way.
I was born the only child to a Mother who was a tried-and-true agnostic/atheist and a Father who was a lapsed Catholic who left the RCC after Vatican II. Religion was not a topic of discussion growing up, but I had a lot of questions. I had nobody to talk to, so I put my questions aside while growing up.
When I was 18, and after I graduated high school, I went to basic training in the Marine Corps. During my time in service, I did a LOT of things I didn't want to do, and a lot of things I still regret, and they weigh on me to this day and I still have nightmares about them from time to time.
After my military time, I spiraled down a dark hole. Drugs. Sexual immorality. Crime. Prison. Not a good time in my life. Not a part of my life I am proud of, but at least I can say I know what prison smells like and what it feels like to kill someone with a sharpened toothbrush to avoid being made a sexual slave.
After that point in my life, I tried to turn things around. I went to school to get my BS degree and ended up getting married along the way. The marriage didn't work out because I wasn't physical enough for her so she got her sexual gratification elsewhere. I divorced her much to my financial ruin, and began my life anew. I met another woman, married her, and the same thing happened. So, lather, rinse and repeat. I'm just not meant for relationships with women. I don't like sex. Ick. I cannot have children (thankfully), so there is no point in me being sexually active.
In the summer of 2011 I hit a very low point. I tried to commit suicide. I failed, obviously, but I got very close. I saw “something” during my time in between worlds as I was being revived that made me want to explore spirituality afterwards. I looked in all kinds of places to seek what I was looking for, but avoided Christianity on purpose because all the Christians I had known in my life were a bunch of self-righteous, indignant, holier-than-thou, hypocrites who couldn't form a decent argument if their life depended on it and I thought they were, collectively, a gigantic bunch of losers.
In spring of 2012, my mother committed suicide, and I was left to take care of my very ill Father. I was still reeling from my experience in 2011, and was not equipped to handle the responsibility of caring for a parent.
The next year was very tumultuous for me. I was learning how to be a care-giver full time to a parent, learning how to adjust to being single once again, learning how to adjust to a period of protracted unemployment, and learning how to remove myself from my criminal past, which I was not successful at. In the Spring of 2012, I had an opportunity to try DMT, a VERY powerful hallucinogen, and I jumped at the opportunity, thinking it would help me explore my spirituality.
My first time trying it, I did too little and didn't have much of an experience. My second time, I did enough to have a “breakthrough” and wow...did I ever. I felt my consciousness being extracted from my body like toothpaste through a tube. Fractal patterns. Machine elves. Smoke beings with kitty-cat faces. A thousand years of life in a moment. All of it. Soon though, I found myself in a realm, standing before a bright light, with a feeling of sheer power washing over me. It took me a moment, but soon, I realized where I was, and I reached out my arms like a child longing for his mother and I said in my mind “God, do you love me?”
Immediately, I was covered, enraptured, overcome with the most loving embrace I have ever felt. Had to be 1000x better than any hug a mother could give a child. I felt so safe and secure in that embrace. I began to cry. Both in my mind and for real. I grasped at my pillow as I lay in bed and I begged “please, just hold me. I just want you to hold me”. I heard a voice in my mind - “Jon, I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. Come to me. Get to know me.”
For days after that experience, I was in a tailspin. I tried to ignore it. It couldn't have been God. I was a murderer, a thief, a total wretch. God couldn't possibly love me.
This last Christmas holiday though, 2015, I found myself walking through the bookstore I like to frequent, and I felt absolutely compelled to buy a Bible, so I did, and I have been studying it ever since. If I will become a Christian, I cannot say, but this is my testimony, so take it for what you will.
