L
I'm bawling my friggin' eyes out right now. I just finished writing this. I'm shaking. I'm going to go get some air.
Dear Jesus,
It me, Jon. I know you know that, but I'm trying to write you a letter so forgive me if I stand on traditions and decorum of letter writing.
Almost all my life, I had questions about you and about your Father, and I seldom got an answer that satisfied me. I know I was a precocious child and would ask questions about topics far in advance of where I should have for my age, but I needed answers. Adults either couldn't or wouldn't answer them for me, and kids my own age either tried taking up a soapbox with me or mocking me.
Many times growing up, I wondered if you or your Father were trying to reach me. I mean, that one night when I was 8 or 9 and I was up late on a Saturday night, why did I have the overwhelming urge to go into the back bedroom and dig through all the books in the bookshelf to get that gigantic, white, KJV bible out and begin reading through it? Why did I open it up right to the book of Matthew? I didn't understand it at the time, and I still don't. Was that you?
When I had the opportunity to go to Mass with my Grandmother, can you tell me why I would stare transfixed upon the crucifix behind the altar and nary hear a word the priest was saying? I didn't even know what the crucifix symbolized back then, so why was I drawn to look at it. Was that you? Were you directing my gaze?
As I navigated adolescence, which you know was very difficult for me, was it your guidance that kept me from doing the harmful things that so many of my peers did? Was it you that invaded my dreams the night I got arrested for burglary at 15 and was sitting in juvenile detention over Easter weekend back in 1992? Was your influence part of why I felt so horrible about what I had done and was physically ill from it? Was it your voice in the back of my mind telling me that joining the military was not the right path for me? Was it you who was there with me every time my life was in danger and was it you that heard every half-hearted prayer I said because I was afraid for my life or was feeling guilty for the things I had to do in service of my country? Was that you?
I know I was a wretch after leaving the military. You know it too. I was very angry at God for a long, long time, and I blamed Him for a lot of the troubles I was going through. I know now that I was just speaking from ignorance and fear, and I also know, sitting where I am today, that you don't hold those years against me.
I have to ask you though, Jesus...have you been more active in my life the past few years? Was that you that allowed me to see my Mother after she died and to hear her words of forgiveness? Was it you who showed me the wonders I saw in my mind's eye that night soon after I tried taking my own life? Was that you who embraced me and held me as I cried and snotted all over your robes the night I had my breakthrough experience with DMT? Was that you who turned my gaze this past December in the bookstore that led me to buying a Bible, and are you responsible for me now owning 4 of them? Was it you who told me to join the forums I'm on now? Did you tell me to pick the name Lost_sheep? I would have gone with a name like TOOL_FAN or something, but...
Lord, I don't doubt your existence. I questioned it for a while, sure, but you know me and that I question absolutely everything. I don't question it anymore. I know you're as real as can be, and that your Father is too. Has it been you throughout my life, watching over me, guiding me, helping me, sometimes teaching me hard lessons? Has that been you?
I don't want a secret relationship with you anymore, Lord. I've been a thief. I've been a killer. I've been a liar. I've been a drunkard. I've been immoral with women. I've cheated. I've been jealous and covetous. I've spoken in vain against you. I've let my faith be called into question and to be shaken for very minor things. I've waffled back and forth between wanting to walk a better path, and wanting to be worldly and have the riches of the world. You also know that in these last few months, I have wrestled with the sins of my past and I have tried hard to be a better man. I don't swear nearly as much, nor do I drink as much as I used to. I'm reading my Bible as much as I can and as much as I can balance with my PhD studies. I'm not afraid to get on my knees and pray, even if it is just to speak my mind and spend a few quiet moments in reflection of the day, the passages of scripture I've read, or just to ask you to speak to me.
Jesus, I know you can see the depth of my being, and that it doesn't need to be spoken between us, but I want to say with my own mouth – I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I need you in my life. Pride pushed aside, I ask you to walk with me form this day forward. I know I cannot do everything in my life all on my own, and with a reflective view, I realize I never did. You've always been with me, even when I ignored you, you were there. You've always looked after me and I know you've done so because you love me. Only love – unconditional, spirit-filling love could keep you with me even when you were the last thing I wanted anything to do with. You love me. You really love me. You love all of us, and nary a one of us truly deserves it.
It may take me the rest of my life to understand the complexities of why you did what you had to do in order to redeem us in the sight of your Father, and I look forward to trying to find out. You know I am as good as my word and when I say I want to turn away from sinful thoughts, feelings, and actions, you know I mean to do exactly that.
Thank you Jesus for always being a part of my life, and I hope we have many more years together. Thank you for your love. I love you too.
Jon
Dear Jesus,
It me, Jon. I know you know that, but I'm trying to write you a letter so forgive me if I stand on traditions and decorum of letter writing.
Almost all my life, I had questions about you and about your Father, and I seldom got an answer that satisfied me. I know I was a precocious child and would ask questions about topics far in advance of where I should have for my age, but I needed answers. Adults either couldn't or wouldn't answer them for me, and kids my own age either tried taking up a soapbox with me or mocking me.
Many times growing up, I wondered if you or your Father were trying to reach me. I mean, that one night when I was 8 or 9 and I was up late on a Saturday night, why did I have the overwhelming urge to go into the back bedroom and dig through all the books in the bookshelf to get that gigantic, white, KJV bible out and begin reading through it? Why did I open it up right to the book of Matthew? I didn't understand it at the time, and I still don't. Was that you?
When I had the opportunity to go to Mass with my Grandmother, can you tell me why I would stare transfixed upon the crucifix behind the altar and nary hear a word the priest was saying? I didn't even know what the crucifix symbolized back then, so why was I drawn to look at it. Was that you? Were you directing my gaze?
As I navigated adolescence, which you know was very difficult for me, was it your guidance that kept me from doing the harmful things that so many of my peers did? Was it you that invaded my dreams the night I got arrested for burglary at 15 and was sitting in juvenile detention over Easter weekend back in 1992? Was your influence part of why I felt so horrible about what I had done and was physically ill from it? Was it your voice in the back of my mind telling me that joining the military was not the right path for me? Was it you who was there with me every time my life was in danger and was it you that heard every half-hearted prayer I said because I was afraid for my life or was feeling guilty for the things I had to do in service of my country? Was that you?
I know I was a wretch after leaving the military. You know it too. I was very angry at God for a long, long time, and I blamed Him for a lot of the troubles I was going through. I know now that I was just speaking from ignorance and fear, and I also know, sitting where I am today, that you don't hold those years against me.
I have to ask you though, Jesus...have you been more active in my life the past few years? Was that you that allowed me to see my Mother after she died and to hear her words of forgiveness? Was it you who showed me the wonders I saw in my mind's eye that night soon after I tried taking my own life? Was that you who embraced me and held me as I cried and snotted all over your robes the night I had my breakthrough experience with DMT? Was that you who turned my gaze this past December in the bookstore that led me to buying a Bible, and are you responsible for me now owning 4 of them? Was it you who told me to join the forums I'm on now? Did you tell me to pick the name Lost_sheep? I would have gone with a name like TOOL_FAN or something, but...
Lord, I don't doubt your existence. I questioned it for a while, sure, but you know me and that I question absolutely everything. I don't question it anymore. I know you're as real as can be, and that your Father is too. Has it been you throughout my life, watching over me, guiding me, helping me, sometimes teaching me hard lessons? Has that been you?
I don't want a secret relationship with you anymore, Lord. I've been a thief. I've been a killer. I've been a liar. I've been a drunkard. I've been immoral with women. I've cheated. I've been jealous and covetous. I've spoken in vain against you. I've let my faith be called into question and to be shaken for very minor things. I've waffled back and forth between wanting to walk a better path, and wanting to be worldly and have the riches of the world. You also know that in these last few months, I have wrestled with the sins of my past and I have tried hard to be a better man. I don't swear nearly as much, nor do I drink as much as I used to. I'm reading my Bible as much as I can and as much as I can balance with my PhD studies. I'm not afraid to get on my knees and pray, even if it is just to speak my mind and spend a few quiet moments in reflection of the day, the passages of scripture I've read, or just to ask you to speak to me.
Jesus, I know you can see the depth of my being, and that it doesn't need to be spoken between us, but I want to say with my own mouth – I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I need you in my life. Pride pushed aside, I ask you to walk with me form this day forward. I know I cannot do everything in my life all on my own, and with a reflective view, I realize I never did. You've always been with me, even when I ignored you, you were there. You've always looked after me and I know you've done so because you love me. Only love – unconditional, spirit-filling love could keep you with me even when you were the last thing I wanted anything to do with. You love me. You really love me. You love all of us, and nary a one of us truly deserves it.
It may take me the rest of my life to understand the complexities of why you did what you had to do in order to redeem us in the sight of your Father, and I look forward to trying to find out. You know I am as good as my word and when I say I want to turn away from sinful thoughts, feelings, and actions, you know I mean to do exactly that.
Thank you Jesus for always being a part of my life, and I hope we have many more years together. Thank you for your love. I love you too.
Jon
