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Like many others I come from divorced parents that could not say anything nice about each other. Since my father beat my mom she had a lot of hatred for that man. She loaded up my little brother and I when he left for a pipeline job one day when I was 6 and he was 4.
Unfortunately the older I got the more I looked like him. My mom would look at me with disgust and even tell me that she hated that I look like him. My little bro however looked more like her family.
When I was 12 she carried me to the local courthouse and got me an early workers permit and put me to work 6 days a week.
Everyday after school I would walk 3 blocks through very rough neighborhood to western auto where I did everything from cleaning bathrooms and sweeping to building bikes and hauling furniture.
My little brother got all of moms and my step dads attention. They let him play any sport he wanted and never had to work.
Between that and being poor kids going to a private school our grandma paid for so we didn't have to go to the local public school that was very sketchy.
I developed quit the temper and went from getting picked on to fighting everyday.
I enjoyed fighting because I could release all that anger and I had a lot.
My mom flat out let me know that there was no money for college my senior year of highschool. She called in the Army Recruiter and 2 weeks after I graduated I was on a bus to basic training.
Now I was scared like most but I come to feel more accepted in the Army than I ever had. I loved it because we all got hollered at and it wasn't just me. Then I started excelling in my training ended up graduating with honors. I got promoted and or awarded every year.
My wife and I had a son and she was my units family readiness group leader. We had embraced the Army all the way and I was climbing the ranks. Then Sept 11th happened and I got deployed to Iraq in 2003. Long story short my temper was nourished during those 18 months. They stroked my ego and gave me a combat promotion and awarded me the bronze star. There I became my Squadron's Gun Truck Commander and did daily missions for 15 months straight. My anger got to a very dark point. I lost myself over there.
When I came home nothing was the same. I saw that I was not the only one affected by this. My wife was a wreck. She and my son had lived out of the car bouncing from her moms to my family trying to keep busy and not think about the fact that she would go for months without hearing from me. She would watch cnn religiously trying to see me.
I went and reenlisted and was sent to Korea to train 2nd ID on gun truck procedures and teach them how to look for their ambush points and IEDs.
Over there I tried drinking away the memories and the nightmares but after a good 6 months of hiding it I was seen having a flashback. They sent me for an pysch eval and then 8 months later a hand shake severance pay and a take care is what I got. Later they gave me a full retirement.
Point is the darkness set in me in Iraq and followed me around the world and affected every aspect of my life. I found that I had become emotionally numb and I did not find enjoyment in anything but when I would think of hurting someone. My thoughts had become so dark.
By 2010 the va had me on over 20 pills a day that resulted in me gaining over 100 lbs and ended up in the va psych ward for a week. There the head psychiatrist for va in my state took interest in me and said he doesn't normally do this but I was such a severe case of combat ptsd that he wanted to take me on as his patient. In doing so he saw all the meds I was on and I still have no memory of most of 07-May 2010. Too many anti depressants, anti pyschotics, sleep meds and pills to fight side effects of the pills I supposedly needed.
Once I came off all those pills all at once while hospitalized I dropped 100 lbs fast. My body went through such a shock that I was having muscle cramps bad.
Later once I got back home I had a mess to clean up with relationships and finances. I had lost phones, lights, water, vehicles and my house. I had so much stress on me that one morning after returning home from my week long stay in the psych ward that I showed signs of a heart attack. My left arm fell asleep and then my whole body.
You know the feeling you get when your feet fall asleep? Well I had that feeling all over my body even face face and eye lids. I lost the ability to move my body at all. Then I started getting tunnel vision as I felt myself slip away.
I came to in darkness. Complete and total darkness but I knew I was not alone. I could feel eyes on me and it was so cold. I remember plain as day that I called out to the same God I was cussing after the war. I called out to Father God that I know I have went astray and didn't know how to get back and I made a pact with Him that if He would pull me out of this that I would change everything about my life from the music and shows to people I associated with and clothes I wore.
Almost instantly I felt something in my hand. I squeezed and then opened my eyes to find myself in a dark hospital room by myself with wires, cords and hoses attached to me and I was gripping the handle on the bed. I sat up looked around and smiled. I started pulling wires off me then the nurse and Doctor run in and let me know that all my test come back clear and they thought it was a panic attack. I laughed and thanked them for their help and rushed my discharge. I knew what just happened and I didn't need anyone to tell me. Father God came along and pulled me out of hell to give me one more chance!
I found a book called the purpose driven life by Rick Warren and it helped me go through 40 days of transformation symbolizing the 40 days of tribulation that Jesus went through.
That book helped me so much I always encourage others to give it a read.
God showed off in my life right away by more than restoring me and my family to enjoying his abundance in our lives. I live everyday for the One who gave His life for me.
Now my wife is a full time nurse and we just started out on business. We no longer survive, we THRIVE!
Praise Jesus!
Unfortunately the older I got the more I looked like him. My mom would look at me with disgust and even tell me that she hated that I look like him. My little bro however looked more like her family.
When I was 12 she carried me to the local courthouse and got me an early workers permit and put me to work 6 days a week.
Everyday after school I would walk 3 blocks through very rough neighborhood to western auto where I did everything from cleaning bathrooms and sweeping to building bikes and hauling furniture.
My little brother got all of moms and my step dads attention. They let him play any sport he wanted and never had to work.
Between that and being poor kids going to a private school our grandma paid for so we didn't have to go to the local public school that was very sketchy.
I developed quit the temper and went from getting picked on to fighting everyday.
I enjoyed fighting because I could release all that anger and I had a lot.
My mom flat out let me know that there was no money for college my senior year of highschool. She called in the Army Recruiter and 2 weeks after I graduated I was on a bus to basic training.
Now I was scared like most but I come to feel more accepted in the Army than I ever had. I loved it because we all got hollered at and it wasn't just me. Then I started excelling in my training ended up graduating with honors. I got promoted and or awarded every year.
My wife and I had a son and she was my units family readiness group leader. We had embraced the Army all the way and I was climbing the ranks. Then Sept 11th happened and I got deployed to Iraq in 2003. Long story short my temper was nourished during those 18 months. They stroked my ego and gave me a combat promotion and awarded me the bronze star. There I became my Squadron's Gun Truck Commander and did daily missions for 15 months straight. My anger got to a very dark point. I lost myself over there.
When I came home nothing was the same. I saw that I was not the only one affected by this. My wife was a wreck. She and my son had lived out of the car bouncing from her moms to my family trying to keep busy and not think about the fact that she would go for months without hearing from me. She would watch cnn religiously trying to see me.
I went and reenlisted and was sent to Korea to train 2nd ID on gun truck procedures and teach them how to look for their ambush points and IEDs.
Over there I tried drinking away the memories and the nightmares but after a good 6 months of hiding it I was seen having a flashback. They sent me for an pysch eval and then 8 months later a hand shake severance pay and a take care is what I got. Later they gave me a full retirement.
Point is the darkness set in me in Iraq and followed me around the world and affected every aspect of my life. I found that I had become emotionally numb and I did not find enjoyment in anything but when I would think of hurting someone. My thoughts had become so dark.
By 2010 the va had me on over 20 pills a day that resulted in me gaining over 100 lbs and ended up in the va psych ward for a week. There the head psychiatrist for va in my state took interest in me and said he doesn't normally do this but I was such a severe case of combat ptsd that he wanted to take me on as his patient. In doing so he saw all the meds I was on and I still have no memory of most of 07-May 2010. Too many anti depressants, anti pyschotics, sleep meds and pills to fight side effects of the pills I supposedly needed.
Once I came off all those pills all at once while hospitalized I dropped 100 lbs fast. My body went through such a shock that I was having muscle cramps bad.
Later once I got back home I had a mess to clean up with relationships and finances. I had lost phones, lights, water, vehicles and my house. I had so much stress on me that one morning after returning home from my week long stay in the psych ward that I showed signs of a heart attack. My left arm fell asleep and then my whole body.
You know the feeling you get when your feet fall asleep? Well I had that feeling all over my body even face face and eye lids. I lost the ability to move my body at all. Then I started getting tunnel vision as I felt myself slip away.
I came to in darkness. Complete and total darkness but I knew I was not alone. I could feel eyes on me and it was so cold. I remember plain as day that I called out to the same God I was cussing after the war. I called out to Father God that I know I have went astray and didn't know how to get back and I made a pact with Him that if He would pull me out of this that I would change everything about my life from the music and shows to people I associated with and clothes I wore.
Almost instantly I felt something in my hand. I squeezed and then opened my eyes to find myself in a dark hospital room by myself with wires, cords and hoses attached to me and I was gripping the handle on the bed. I sat up looked around and smiled. I started pulling wires off me then the nurse and Doctor run in and let me know that all my test come back clear and they thought it was a panic attack. I laughed and thanked them for their help and rushed my discharge. I knew what just happened and I didn't need anyone to tell me. Father God came along and pulled me out of hell to give me one more chance!
I found a book called the purpose driven life by Rick Warren and it helped me go through 40 days of transformation symbolizing the 40 days of tribulation that Jesus went through.
That book helped me so much I always encourage others to give it a read.
God showed off in my life right away by more than restoring me and my family to enjoying his abundance in our lives. I live everyday for the One who gave His life for me.
Now my wife is a full time nurse and we just started out on business. We no longer survive, we THRIVE!
Praise Jesus!
