Okay, sooo I read TemporaryCircumstances' thread on surviving her sexual abuse, and felt compelled to share my own survival story with rape. It was 1993, I was 23 years old, and I was young, naive and stupid..lol.. I'd never had a boyfriend before, and was happy being on my own. Anyways, I met this guy named Tommy and he was really cute and funny. We started hanging out, and he was a druggie who bought and sold Mary Jane and who know what other drugs. I didn't like that he did drugs, but he never offered them to me so I just let it go. Every now and then he would blow Mary Jane smoke in my face, and anyone who smokes it knows how bad it smells..lol.. One night I was walking home and I asked Tommy to walk with me. We got to the house, I crashed on the couch downstairs and he slept upstairs in my room. Later on, he told me he thought I was going to ask him out. I was like, no I just wanted you to walk me home. So we continued hanging out for awhile, until I had to move out of where I was, into another apartment. Tommy would visit me there, and one day we were horsing around and I was tickling him, and he told me to stop but I didn't listen. All of a sudden he said, "if you keep tickling me, I'm gonna flip you over and f*** you". Those were his exact words, and I've never forgotten them, nor what happened next.
Keep in mind that Tommy was a serial rapist, but I did not know that at this time. Tommy made good on his threat, he threw me on the bed, put one of his socks in my mouth and tied my hands. Then he raped me. Afterward, he started watching TV like nothing had happened. I just lay on the bed, trying to process what happened. I told him I was going for a walk and I did, still trying to process what had just gone down. I should have gone to the cops, but I never did. Later on I learned none of his victims did either, because they were all too scared of him. Tommy was also a woman-beater and I guess that fear kept his victims quiet.
After the rape, I HATED going outside in public. I knew it wasn't my fault, but I also had the irrational feeling that somehow, people could just look at me and know I'd been raped. I became very withdrawn and reclusive, and distrusting of people, and men in general. He turned me into a virtual recluse, and that still exists today, though not as badly. It took me a long time to let go of what he did, but I finally managed to. I realized that I'd be stuck in the past if I didn't let it go. So I moved out of that city and away from him, and I've only seen him once in the last twenty-something years. Fortunately he didn't recognize me, or if he did, he didn't let on. Tommy took my virginity from me, but he didn't take my spirit. He didn't take my bravery, and he didn't take my will to fight. He damaged me, but did not break me.
He didn't take my strength to turn a bad situation into a good one. I have used my story as a way to encourage others not to give up, and to have the courage to turn their abusers into the cops. To have the grace to (try) and forgive their attackers. To have the strength to move on past it and learn from it.
Tommy raped many girls before me, and also after me. Fear kept them quiet. Confusion and shame kept me quiet. Until now, that is. Ladies, if you have had this happen to you, PLEASE tell someone. Your family, friends, a teacher or counselor, and especially tell the police and get the animal locked up!! Rape is NEVER the victim's fault, it is the man's fault. A woman should be able to do and say and wear what she wants, without fear of being attacked. I was wearing a shirt and pants so that proves that what a woman wears does NOT get her raped.
God saved me that night. Saved me from having something worse happen to me. He saved me from ever getting myself into that situation again. God gave me the strength to get through it, and to learn from it. He gave me the strength to forgive and move on.
So thank you, Tommy. You gave me so much more than you ever took from me. You are the weak one, and I am the strong one. I have God on my side, and you only have the devil on yours. I do sincerely hope God has mercy on you when you die, for all the people you have hurt, traumatized and screwed over. You taught me some valuable lessons. Too bad YOU didn't learn any lessons for yourself.
And thank you, God. Thank you for saving me from something worse that night. Thank you for giving me your strength to get through it and cope with it, and learn from it so I can inspire others. Thank you for your grace and mercy on me, and for your tolerance and patience with me. Please comfort and protect all those who suffer abuse and rape.
To whoever reads this, thanks for taking the time, and please learn from my situation.
Keep in mind that Tommy was a serial rapist, but I did not know that at this time. Tommy made good on his threat, he threw me on the bed, put one of his socks in my mouth and tied my hands. Then he raped me. Afterward, he started watching TV like nothing had happened. I just lay on the bed, trying to process what happened. I told him I was going for a walk and I did, still trying to process what had just gone down. I should have gone to the cops, but I never did. Later on I learned none of his victims did either, because they were all too scared of him. Tommy was also a woman-beater and I guess that fear kept his victims quiet.
After the rape, I HATED going outside in public. I knew it wasn't my fault, but I also had the irrational feeling that somehow, people could just look at me and know I'd been raped. I became very withdrawn and reclusive, and distrusting of people, and men in general. He turned me into a virtual recluse, and that still exists today, though not as badly. It took me a long time to let go of what he did, but I finally managed to. I realized that I'd be stuck in the past if I didn't let it go. So I moved out of that city and away from him, and I've only seen him once in the last twenty-something years. Fortunately he didn't recognize me, or if he did, he didn't let on. Tommy took my virginity from me, but he didn't take my spirit. He didn't take my bravery, and he didn't take my will to fight. He damaged me, but did not break me.
He didn't take my strength to turn a bad situation into a good one. I have used my story as a way to encourage others not to give up, and to have the courage to turn their abusers into the cops. To have the grace to (try) and forgive their attackers. To have the strength to move on past it and learn from it. Tommy raped many girls before me, and also after me. Fear kept them quiet. Confusion and shame kept me quiet. Until now, that is. Ladies, if you have had this happen to you, PLEASE tell someone. Your family, friends, a teacher or counselor, and especially tell the police and get the animal locked up!! Rape is NEVER the victim's fault, it is the man's fault. A woman should be able to do and say and wear what she wants, without fear of being attacked. I was wearing a shirt and pants so that proves that what a woman wears does NOT get her raped.
God saved me that night. Saved me from having something worse happen to me. He saved me from ever getting myself into that situation again. God gave me the strength to get through it, and to learn from it. He gave me the strength to forgive and move on.
So thank you, Tommy. You gave me so much more than you ever took from me. You are the weak one, and I am the strong one. I have God on my side, and you only have the devil on yours. I do sincerely hope God has mercy on you when you die, for all the people you have hurt, traumatized and screwed over. You taught me some valuable lessons. Too bad YOU didn't learn any lessons for yourself.
And thank you, God. Thank you for saving me from something worse that night. Thank you for giving me your strength to get through it and cope with it, and learn from it so I can inspire others.
Thank you for your grace and mercy on me, and for your tolerance and patience with me. Please comfort and protect all those who suffer abuse and rape. To whoever reads this, thanks for taking the time, and please learn from my situation.