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I've been addicted to masturbation and pornography for about nine years. It started when I was twelve and I was never able to stop though I tried. I felt so guilty that I started to push people away and had few if any friends at all. My relationships became superficial, even with family. When I finally did get myself a girlfriend, the relationship turned physical and I engaged in more sexual sin.
As time went on, regular pornography stopped being so interesting, so I turned to gay porn. For a while I thought I was gay and started correspondence with two gay men via email. All the while, I was seeing yet another girl. My greatest regret to date is what my sin did to her life. I basically manipulated her into sleeping with me.
She persevered and eventually got me going to church. Three weeks ago, we got to church and it turns out that the entire session was going to spent in prayer. The pastor called out to people who wanted prayer for sexual sin. I sat there feeling uncomfortable and with no real intention of standing up. Suddenly, I hear a calm voice in my head. It said, "Stand up Tony." I'll never forget that. Ever. The Holy Spirit spoke to me.
So I stood up. Figured, if the Lord wanted to get my attention that badly I ought to do as I'm told. As soon as I stood the pastor started praying. Right on cue. Like he'd been waiting for me. I don't even remember what he said. All I remember is I started feeling hot all over. Then a cool pressure on my forehead. I can still feel it sometimes.
After the prayer was over, I sat down thinking, "Well that was weird." I really didn't believe in that sort of thing. But I started to feel different. The word for it is Forgiven. I feel forgiven. I don't feel bound by sexual sin. But towards the end of the prayer service, I started to doubt the feeling. There was this attractive man at the front I kept eying. By the end of the service, my doubt was gnawing despair. I felt like I couldn't escape my own prison. Then the pastor says as he releases us, "I feel that there's someone here who needs to be reminded that they've been forgiven."
The despair evaporated. Because I've been set free by the God who conquered the one who bound me.
I got one of the prayer counselors to pray with me later and I have since recommitted my life to God. And its amazing. Hard but amazing. My life has meaning now. I'm still tempted to sin but by recognizing that I have God on my side, its easier to fight it off.
If you can relate to any part of my life story, please know that God loves you. That's hard to see when you think so little of yourself as I did. Guilt can keep you running away from God because you feel judged. It did it to me. He loves you and wants the best for you. And He will deliver you from anything that's happened in your past.
God bless you.
As time went on, regular pornography stopped being so interesting, so I turned to gay porn. For a while I thought I was gay and started correspondence with two gay men via email. All the while, I was seeing yet another girl. My greatest regret to date is what my sin did to her life. I basically manipulated her into sleeping with me.
She persevered and eventually got me going to church. Three weeks ago, we got to church and it turns out that the entire session was going to spent in prayer. The pastor called out to people who wanted prayer for sexual sin. I sat there feeling uncomfortable and with no real intention of standing up. Suddenly, I hear a calm voice in my head. It said, "Stand up Tony." I'll never forget that. Ever. The Holy Spirit spoke to me.
So I stood up. Figured, if the Lord wanted to get my attention that badly I ought to do as I'm told. As soon as I stood the pastor started praying. Right on cue. Like he'd been waiting for me. I don't even remember what he said. All I remember is I started feeling hot all over. Then a cool pressure on my forehead. I can still feel it sometimes.
After the prayer was over, I sat down thinking, "Well that was weird." I really didn't believe in that sort of thing. But I started to feel different. The word for it is Forgiven. I feel forgiven. I don't feel bound by sexual sin. But towards the end of the prayer service, I started to doubt the feeling. There was this attractive man at the front I kept eying. By the end of the service, my doubt was gnawing despair. I felt like I couldn't escape my own prison. Then the pastor says as he releases us, "I feel that there's someone here who needs to be reminded that they've been forgiven."
The despair evaporated. Because I've been set free by the God who conquered the one who bound me.
I got one of the prayer counselors to pray with me later and I have since recommitted my life to God. And its amazing. Hard but amazing. My life has meaning now. I'm still tempted to sin but by recognizing that I have God on my side, its easier to fight it off.
If you can relate to any part of my life story, please know that God loves you. That's hard to see when you think so little of yourself as I did. Guilt can keep you running away from God because you feel judged. It did it to me. He loves you and wants the best for you. And He will deliver you from anything that's happened in your past.
God bless you.
