C
Brace yourselves, this is a long one...
I've shared my story in the forums here and there, but never have I shared the entire story in one place. This story has a happy ending, but to show you where God has brought me, I must first explain who I used to be.
I grew up in a legalistic household, where if you didn't wear your absolute best to Church that God would be upset with you and it was shameful. I grew up without knowing the grace and forgiveness of God, and only knew that if I did bad things that I would go to hell if I wasn't "good enough". So I never had a relationship with God, and I only ever knew Him as the absolute Holy God of Righteousness and The Judge. I never knew Him as father, vaguely understood him as Savior. I always thought I was one accidental sin away from being condemned to Hell and God's wrath.
When I was sexually abused by a relative, I didn't know who to turn to. I was bullied a lot in school because I didn't want to curse and none of my "christian" friends would stand up for me. At best, they didn't say mean things, but they didn't offer me a seat at the table during lunch. I often stood in the bathroom during lunch hour because I was not given a place to sit. I wasn't "allowed".
I felt very alone, and I tried to turn to Christians for help but to no avail. I cried to God and asked for a friend for just a little while, however, I didn't receive one. I became very hurt and bitter, and anger became my shield against the world's attacks on my character.
I then made a friend who was an atheist, and made many friends who were into the supernatural. I found more kindness from them than I did Christians and it confused me. They told me that God was not God Almighty and he didn't actually love me for me for me to go through all these things, and that there were other, kinder spiritual forces out there.
I was lured into paganism.
Years passed and my darkness and bitterness towards God became outright hatred. I hated those who called themselves Christians, hated God, to the point that I stabbed a bible over and over one day out of rage. I found protection and a dark form of "love" from one of those friends, who happened to be female. I exchanged the Truth of God for a lie, and so he gave me over to the desires of my sinful nature and I began to struggle with homosexuality. (Romans chapter 1).
During college, however, God brought a friend into my life that had been unlike any other. She was a Christian, but she seemed friendly enough and I felt drawn to her kindness and positivity. I shared with her how I didn't like God. She asked why and I told her. She looked me right in the eyes and said, "That is a lie. God loves you and wants you to come back to Him."
I felt really angry and said, "He had a funny way of showing it."
She replied, "Well he sent me to you, didn't he? I'm convinced He did."
I brushed it off. But over the course of a year, she challenge my false beliefs about God and would gently rebuke the false truths. Thus the seed was planted and she watered it carefully.
I went back to my dorm room one night after she had challenged my story of God abandoning me as a kid. She said that just because people said they were christians didn't mean they were, and so it wasn't God's people who rejected me. The room was quiet and my roommate was gone for the next several hours.
So I sat on the floor and stared at the carpet. I remember looking up, nearly growling as I challenged God about who He was. The following is paraphrase:
"You say you're God almighty, that you're actually the one in control. I don't get how you could allow this ***expletive** to happen. Who are you. Who are you, Yahweh (tone of disrespect). Are you really who you say you are?"
And in that moment, it felt like all of the energy had been sucked from the room. I heard a voice within my heart shout at me and say "Be STILL, for I...AM GOD."
Let's be honest. I was terrified. In all my years of paganism, I had never encountered a force so powerful. I fell on my face and stayed there. In those moments, he powerfully asserted himself as Lord of Lords and King of Kings, that there were no other gods.
I sat up about 15 minutes later and felt bewildered. Thus began my calling out of the darkness and into the Light. (1 Peter 2:9)
Over time, I began to trust that God actually DID love me and actually DID want me, despite all those times I had cursed him and hated him. I remember one time walking to my dorm back from class, and sadly thinking " ...Do you actually love me....Am I just being stupid...?" And the song, "Have I told you lately that I love you," came into my heart immediately.
God has taught me that I cannot earn my salvation no matter how "good" I am. He has taught me the power of His grace and proved His love to me by coming after me even when I hated him. He sought me out with Love and drew me to himself.
As for the struggles with homosexuality, I submitted those to God over the course of the last 4-5 years. He has removed the desire entirely and I have burned the books I used to refer to for "self help." He has not yet given me a desire for men, and I do not know that He will, but He knows best.
Our God...he is Almighty King. He is the Judge. He is Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Yet, he is also our Father, our Savior, and even our friend. He loves us more than we can possibly begin to understand and my life is proof of his Grace.
Glory be to God!
I've shared my story in the forums here and there, but never have I shared the entire story in one place. This story has a happy ending, but to show you where God has brought me, I must first explain who I used to be.
I grew up in a legalistic household, where if you didn't wear your absolute best to Church that God would be upset with you and it was shameful. I grew up without knowing the grace and forgiveness of God, and only knew that if I did bad things that I would go to hell if I wasn't "good enough". So I never had a relationship with God, and I only ever knew Him as the absolute Holy God of Righteousness and The Judge. I never knew Him as father, vaguely understood him as Savior. I always thought I was one accidental sin away from being condemned to Hell and God's wrath.
When I was sexually abused by a relative, I didn't know who to turn to. I was bullied a lot in school because I didn't want to curse and none of my "christian" friends would stand up for me. At best, they didn't say mean things, but they didn't offer me a seat at the table during lunch. I often stood in the bathroom during lunch hour because I was not given a place to sit. I wasn't "allowed".
I felt very alone, and I tried to turn to Christians for help but to no avail. I cried to God and asked for a friend for just a little while, however, I didn't receive one. I became very hurt and bitter, and anger became my shield against the world's attacks on my character.
I then made a friend who was an atheist, and made many friends who were into the supernatural. I found more kindness from them than I did Christians and it confused me. They told me that God was not God Almighty and he didn't actually love me for me for me to go through all these things, and that there were other, kinder spiritual forces out there.
I was lured into paganism.
Years passed and my darkness and bitterness towards God became outright hatred. I hated those who called themselves Christians, hated God, to the point that I stabbed a bible over and over one day out of rage. I found protection and a dark form of "love" from one of those friends, who happened to be female. I exchanged the Truth of God for a lie, and so he gave me over to the desires of my sinful nature and I began to struggle with homosexuality. (Romans chapter 1).
During college, however, God brought a friend into my life that had been unlike any other. She was a Christian, but she seemed friendly enough and I felt drawn to her kindness and positivity. I shared with her how I didn't like God. She asked why and I told her. She looked me right in the eyes and said, "That is a lie. God loves you and wants you to come back to Him."
I felt really angry and said, "He had a funny way of showing it."
She replied, "Well he sent me to you, didn't he? I'm convinced He did."
I brushed it off. But over the course of a year, she challenge my false beliefs about God and would gently rebuke the false truths. Thus the seed was planted and she watered it carefully.
I went back to my dorm room one night after she had challenged my story of God abandoning me as a kid. She said that just because people said they were christians didn't mean they were, and so it wasn't God's people who rejected me. The room was quiet and my roommate was gone for the next several hours.
So I sat on the floor and stared at the carpet. I remember looking up, nearly growling as I challenged God about who He was. The following is paraphrase:
"You say you're God almighty, that you're actually the one in control. I don't get how you could allow this ***expletive** to happen. Who are you. Who are you, Yahweh (tone of disrespect). Are you really who you say you are?"
And in that moment, it felt like all of the energy had been sucked from the room. I heard a voice within my heart shout at me and say "Be STILL, for I...AM GOD."
Let's be honest. I was terrified. In all my years of paganism, I had never encountered a force so powerful. I fell on my face and stayed there. In those moments, he powerfully asserted himself as Lord of Lords and King of Kings, that there were no other gods.
I sat up about 15 minutes later and felt bewildered. Thus began my calling out of the darkness and into the Light. (1 Peter 2:9)
Over time, I began to trust that God actually DID love me and actually DID want me, despite all those times I had cursed him and hated him. I remember one time walking to my dorm back from class, and sadly thinking " ...Do you actually love me....Am I just being stupid...?" And the song, "Have I told you lately that I love you," came into my heart immediately.
God has taught me that I cannot earn my salvation no matter how "good" I am. He has taught me the power of His grace and proved His love to me by coming after me even when I hated him. He sought me out with Love and drew me to himself.
As for the struggles with homosexuality, I submitted those to God over the course of the last 4-5 years. He has removed the desire entirely and I have burned the books I used to refer to for "self help." He has not yet given me a desire for men, and I do not know that He will, but He knows best.
Our God...he is Almighty King. He is the Judge. He is Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Yet, he is also our Father, our Savior, and even our friend. He loves us more than we can possibly begin to understand and my life is proof of his Grace.
Glory be to God!
