Okay, now that I've been on CC for a week now and we got to know each other a little bit, time for me to actually tell you my full story in the most amount of detail possible. So settle down and grab a coffee or something, because this is going to be a very long one.
Okay, so once upon a time, when I was incredibly young, I was first taught about the Christian God, and what he did for us. It made no sense to me, though. I thought that if he could see me everywhere I went, and knew exactly what I was thinking, he must be a creep! Hell also made no sense, as I thought that if God gave us a chance, surely he would be merciful enough to give us another. But my father. who taught me this, was also a Universalist...so maybe that's why.
Anyway, because of this, I didn't really take my relationship with God seriously. Sure, I believed in him (I also didn't know why we use the capital H when we reference God with a pronoun), and prayed to him occasionally, but that's about it. That was for quite a few years. However, I noticed that recently, my friendships didn't last very long. My friends never really stuck around for more than 3 years, and so I never really had a definitive childhood friend. I lost 4 friends that year, then 3, then 5, then 10 (I moved away from that school)...I knew something was really off here. I just wasn't sure what was, though.
Then I met my best friend in the next school. She was so nice, so funny...we loved each other very much. However, that friendship was almost completely destroyed in under a year when I moved again, only connecting through WhatsApp. I was devastated, and finally knew what was going on. I never really paid attention to God, so I thought he was forcefully taking people away from me so I would pay attention to him. So I apologised profusely that night, repeatedly saying "I'm sorry, God...I'm so sorry..." until I fell asleep from exhaustion.
The next afternoon, I was lying on the hotel couch like normal until I got this heavy, choking feeling straight out of nowhere, and then suddenly, the emotions and the memories mercilessly rained down on me. I was instantly filled with shock, grief, rage, shame, and confusion, all at the same time. I prayed to God to end this, but it took him an entire hour an a half to finally do it. It was the most long and painful 90 minutes in my life. I wondered how God can be so obsessive and desperate, and he knew I was a very sensitive kid too, so he knew this, and still did this horrible, horrible thing to me. "This can't be happening! How could he do this to his little girl?!", I thought.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I had to end this once and for all. I was hurting, and I was desperate. There was nothing else to do. And I had to do it, otherwise, who knows how long I would be in this state of confusion for. One fateful day, I typed in my iPad "Does god exist?".
And that, is when things get serious.
I looked at the evidence on both sides of the matter, and I have to say, I found the atheist's arguments to be as convincing, if not even more, than the Christians'. That was my first step into atheism. Gotta say, the atheists got a good point with the "Can God make a boulder that even he can't lift?" paradox and Epicurus' challenge on Christians everywhere:
"Is God willing but not able to prevent evil? Then he is not omnipotent. Is God able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then why does evil exist? If he's neither able or willing, why call him God?"
However, I still had some concerns at the back of my mind. If I was wrong, then I would go to hell. I knew I couldn't risk that. But I still didn't understand why he left his dear children still struggling, like those kids in Africa, the people affected by the 9/11 attack, the poor victims of the Holocaust, and wandering orphans everywhere. It just didn't quite fit. So I decided that until I find a better match, I stuck to agnostic deism, as I thought that seemed to describe the situation here the best.
So, how did I get back? Well, I found my way back to the right place by spending massive amounts of time browsing the web for evidence, and more evidence that God exists. But what finally convinced me was when my father showed me a picture of the Shroud of Turin, the very shroud that Jesus was covered in when he died. It was thousands of years old and Jesus' image was still very much visible on the cover. I was shocked, and immediately got back to being a Christian. However, it was not as simple as that, and the story continues to this day.
Oh yeah, I REALLY struggled with my identity after returning to Christ. I was really confused about whether or not I should even love myself, and if high self esteem automatically equals pride. I also had no idea whether I came from God or Satan, that was also really confusing. I still struggle to this day, but now I am much less concerned. As for my emotional state, I have already come up with a miracle cure for it. I just simply did not care about my social life. I finally let go, and I never regretted it. Not even once. That's how I became the carefree, aloof teenage girl you sometimes read from. I now know that just because something is unpleasant, doesn't mean it's not real. God has the capability to do such things, there's no use whining about what he does to you, SO PUT ON YOUR TOUGH GUY/GIRL PANTS, DEAL WITH IT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. COMPLAINING IS FOR THE WEAK.
So, anyway, that was my story. I know that my story isn't as horrible as some people's, and this will disappear into the endless mist of dead threads someday, but better some time than never, right?