T
i feel like my testimony is not complete yet...this is a story ive never told anyone. my life is my testimony. or atleast it all ties in together. so i guess ill tell you. im coming clean. i need to tell someone. i cant keep in in anymore....ive experienced somethings no one ever should. im only 15 and i know too much. atleast thats what i think. i was born into a "christian" home. ive always gone to church. i knew every story in the bible at a very young age. and when i was young things seemed so easy and carefree. then he came. he is a man that is a close relative and friend of my father's. i will never say his name. when i was very young he molested me and this went on for a number of years. even at such a small age i knew something was extremely wrong. i began to fear. in the middle of the night i would wake up and cry thinking that he might come. when my parents left him to babysit me and my siblings i would make sure we were all in the same room. at a very young age i knew this man was bad. even thought i tried to stay away from him my parents kept inviting him over. unfortunately i couldnt protect my other sisters....he got to them too. but then one day he disappeared and i never saw him again. i dont know what happened. i was too afraid to ask. constantly, in the years that followed i was afraid that one day this man would come. that he would find me. he knows where i live. he knows what school i go to. when im going to bed on some nights still to this day i fear that he will appear....well with this experience i have a very bad relationship with guys. any guy. im afraid of them. i seem to fake this bold toughness to ward guys off. ive had relationships before. and ive done somethings im not proud of. all the relationships ended badly. the guy would want to have sex and i would become afraid and end or ruin the relationship. my relationship with my dad is horrible too. we hate eachother. hes told me. hes beaten me. we argue all the time. well one summer i was dating this guy that lived next door. he was the complete opposite of my dad so my dad hated him. my dad grounded me for the whole summer because i let this stupid young boy put him hands on me. i was devastated at the time. i thought that he was the only one that loved me. i knew God but i didnt have a personal relationship with him. this boy was making me fall away from God. and well since i was grounded all summer i had to work with my dad. i hated that. well i had gotten so depressed that one day i decided to end my life. i had it all planned out. the day i got home from working i was going to slit my wrists and bleed to death. well that day a very nice boy showed up at work. he was kind and he comforted me when i began to cry. needless to say God brought that boy to my work. he saved me. i know i would not be here today if that boy was not there. well at the time i began to rely on that boy and i fell away from God, so all of the sudden that boy turned his back on me. God was trying to get my attention. it was him who i needed to rely on. not some boy. i still struggle with trusting guys, no matter the age or how long ive known them. i pull away from friendships. im afraid that people will hurt me. im having such a hard time. im pursuing God, even though nothing is going right. i keep stumbling. but i cant turn away. i still cant forgive the people that hurt me. i still cant forgive myself. and that is why i think my testimony isnt over yet. my life hasnt turned around. ive been trying for years. i keep getting discouraged. i keep falling short. i keep missing something. hopefully someday that will change....