I've shared a good portion of my testimony...I'm not sure what it was at this point..or rather, what was not in it. God has led me to a point of sharing...I think my hesitation was based on a couple of things...disclosure and paranoia as well as a sense of shame.
Don't we all have that? I think I made it a point to not feel shame...for a deeper reason. Nonetheless, I finally did.
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When I was 5 years old, my sister was a few years older...we were out walking in a small town. We were visiting our grandparents and got bored. We'd walked a good distance enjoying each other's company and the weather when I realized a need for a bathroom. Knowing we were too far to make it back, we picked a house. It was a strange area to us and we didn't know anyone.
We were raped, then brainwashed to forget where we were and what had just happened. I tried to protect my sister. I remember volunteering for an act...only to feel the shame of sin on me immediately. My sister didn't last..she went into a 'safe mind' place. As they tried to brainwash us, I held on to my mind for all I could and prayed. At the very last moment, when I knew I could not hang in any longer...they stopped.
Thank God.
That may not make sense to anyone who hasn't experienced brainwashing. I pray you never do.
We were finally allowed to leave. I half carried my sister and turned to the woman of the house as we left..."GOd forgives you, so I do too." She merely laughed; a wicked laugh I'll never forget.
We slowly walked as far as we could. THen rested on a curb a few blocks away. The owner of this house was out sweeping her walk. She saw us and came running, brandishing her broom. "Get off my curb, you filthy whores", she screamed. I would take no more. I looked at her and shouted, "We were just raped!"
She looked at us carefully and her Christian heart started beating. She took us in, helped us clean up and made us chicken noodle soup.
Then she called my Father. I don't know if she ever told him. When it came out weeks later that I'd been raped, he seemed oblivious and devastated so I don't think she did. My sister never remembered. I can tell the difference in her, no one else can. I hurt sometimes for the ignorance of people. for the loss of the friend I had in that sister.
I got the name wrong of both him and her. Two long haired women that looked alike at the time. and a name I think was his. I got them wrong and after the worst night of my life...I lost the mind I'd fought so hard for. I awoke with no memory of the events.
I can't remember to this day. Horrific things happened after that. People attacked my family. My parents and Iwere nearly killed. God saved us from a most horrid death. Later men came with torches...wanting my life. They threatened to burn down our house.
I had courage back then. I forced my way out of the protection I was under and recognized one of the men and thanked him for some small grace he'd given me on another day. With that, the men left.
It was almost funny. I came outside and the men...big burly men with torches...all took a step back. I guarantee the numbers 666 are not on my head.
I love people. I try to find the core of their heart and just love them.
it's been so hard.
I walked away from God..pushed him away because the townspeople thought I lied and told me to be...ashamed. I ddin't understand at the time why. I tried to make sense of it, but to no avail.
So I decided to punish my self until I did understand.
It took over 30 years to get to just remembering the whole ordeal. A broken marriage. In and out of facilities for mental health. Not having the opportunity to raise my own children because of the revolving door status of the hospitials and satans work on me
I was...forgive me.. I was a slut. And satan set out to use that to destroy me. God fought hard to help me.
In 1993, I stopped dating...but it was years before the desires left. I've been very ashamed. I now understand. I know now too it wasn't my fault or necessary to be ashamed...what is my responsibility is to acknowledge the adult still sinned...causing so much pain for others. My ex husband, my children, other marriages.
I want to use the rape as an excuse...or some part of something...to hide, or deny it.
I just shared with another CC member...this will only make me stronger. I'd like to say I'm not afraid, I am a little. But I"ve got a tough God in my corner. And He'll never throw in the towel. He helped me remember. He's helping me now.
For this thing he has started, He will continue until that day...paraphrased.
Love -student
Don't we all have that? I think I made it a point to not feel shame...for a deeper reason. Nonetheless, I finally did.
-------------
When I was 5 years old, my sister was a few years older...we were out walking in a small town. We were visiting our grandparents and got bored. We'd walked a good distance enjoying each other's company and the weather when I realized a need for a bathroom. Knowing we were too far to make it back, we picked a house. It was a strange area to us and we didn't know anyone.
We were raped, then brainwashed to forget where we were and what had just happened. I tried to protect my sister. I remember volunteering for an act...only to feel the shame of sin on me immediately. My sister didn't last..she went into a 'safe mind' place. As they tried to brainwash us, I held on to my mind for all I could and prayed. At the very last moment, when I knew I could not hang in any longer...they stopped.
Thank God.
That may not make sense to anyone who hasn't experienced brainwashing. I pray you never do.
We were finally allowed to leave. I half carried my sister and turned to the woman of the house as we left..."GOd forgives you, so I do too." She merely laughed; a wicked laugh I'll never forget.
We slowly walked as far as we could. THen rested on a curb a few blocks away. The owner of this house was out sweeping her walk. She saw us and came running, brandishing her broom. "Get off my curb, you filthy whores", she screamed. I would take no more. I looked at her and shouted, "We were just raped!"
She looked at us carefully and her Christian heart started beating. She took us in, helped us clean up and made us chicken noodle soup.
Then she called my Father. I don't know if she ever told him. When it came out weeks later that I'd been raped, he seemed oblivious and devastated so I don't think she did. My sister never remembered. I can tell the difference in her, no one else can. I hurt sometimes for the ignorance of people. for the loss of the friend I had in that sister.
I got the name wrong of both him and her. Two long haired women that looked alike at the time. and a name I think was his. I got them wrong and after the worst night of my life...I lost the mind I'd fought so hard for. I awoke with no memory of the events.
I can't remember to this day. Horrific things happened after that. People attacked my family. My parents and Iwere nearly killed. God saved us from a most horrid death. Later men came with torches...wanting my life. They threatened to burn down our house.
I had courage back then. I forced my way out of the protection I was under and recognized one of the men and thanked him for some small grace he'd given me on another day. With that, the men left.
It was almost funny. I came outside and the men...big burly men with torches...all took a step back. I guarantee the numbers 666 are not on my head.
I love people. I try to find the core of their heart and just love them.
it's been so hard.
I walked away from God..pushed him away because the townspeople thought I lied and told me to be...ashamed. I ddin't understand at the time why. I tried to make sense of it, but to no avail.
So I decided to punish my self until I did understand.
It took over 30 years to get to just remembering the whole ordeal. A broken marriage. In and out of facilities for mental health. Not having the opportunity to raise my own children because of the revolving door status of the hospitials and satans work on me
I was...forgive me.. I was a slut. And satan set out to use that to destroy me. God fought hard to help me.
In 1993, I stopped dating...but it was years before the desires left. I've been very ashamed. I now understand. I know now too it wasn't my fault or necessary to be ashamed...what is my responsibility is to acknowledge the adult still sinned...causing so much pain for others. My ex husband, my children, other marriages.
I want to use the rape as an excuse...or some part of something...to hide, or deny it.
I just shared with another CC member...this will only make me stronger. I'd like to say I'm not afraid, I am a little. But I"ve got a tough God in my corner. And He'll never throw in the towel. He helped me remember. He's helping me now.
For this thing he has started, He will continue until that day...paraphrased.
Love -student
