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To be honest with you all, I was unsure whether I was going to bother putting this up, mainly because talking about my past is never something I am proud of, it is also upsetting, for myself, to think what might have happened, if I had continued down the path I was on.
As far back as my memory goes I have always known God was there, and it's unusual, since nobody in my family, or in any of my varied circles of friends has any really strong faith, but I never needed anybody to tell me God was there, and God was watching, I have always just known.
Well I suppose I should start at the beginning; my name is Cameron Michael Smith, I am twenty-three years old, and I was born and raised in Scotland, my parents are divorced, but I was really young when it happened, and I was lucky, since they both put me first, and although I live with my mother, my father has been a large part of my life. Ever since I was a kid, I have been a bit of an outsider, and a loner, which I accept, it's how God made me, and his infinite wisdom is not for me to question, however when I went to college at eighteen, I had "friends", people I hung around with all the time. That wasn't where the problem started, but it was most definitely a catalyst towards tipping me over the age, it was spending time with them, when I began to drink, a lot, and I took copious amounts of drugs, a whole variation, from simple things like smoking joints, to some pretty heavy Class-A drugs. At the time, I hadn't really lost my faith, but having never really had close friends before, I put having them in my life over having God in my life, it was also around that time that I found myself getting increasingly depressed. I had been minutely depressed, always in the background, but at that time it was predominantly always on the surface, and it was responsible for me pushing away a lot of people that cared for me. For the next three years I was always either in one form of stupor, or another, either in a drug-addled haze, or completely drunk, and I have many knife scars, and cigarette burns, from my depression making me feel like hurting myself, just so I could feel something, anything. Ultimately, I was numb to everything, I couldn't feel love any more, for anyone or anything, and I became nothing but a dangerous and disheartening shell of my former self.
Not long after turning twenty-one though, I had an epiphany, I suppose you'd call it, I can remember the day in picture perfect detail, which was rare, since the previous three years, even to this day, are nothing but flashing memories, with gaping holes. I was outside, on my own, it was raining, which in itself in Scotland isn't that rare of an occurrence, I was wearing a raggedy old leather jacket I had forgotten I owned, from years before, the sky was dark, dark grey, and I was sitting on the top of the abandoned viaduct, near my mother's house. At the time I was in a considerable funk, to be honest, part of me was whispering in my head for me to just jump off the viaduct, and fall the forty+ feet to the road below, and I think that maybe I would have, had it just kept raining, on me. However, almost instantaneously the rain stopped, and the clouds parted, just a bit, just enough to let a sliver of light break through the clouds and shine down on me, and I felt at peace, something I hadn't felt for a long time. To this day I can't explain what happened next, but I got flashes of old memories, things I hadn't thought about for a long time, memories of my deceased Grandparents, whom I loved to pieces, they were my heart and soul, and just a collection of fond, and happy memories, all the good things I had forgotten about during my past three years of degrading myself with drugs, and alcohol. It was like I had been holding my breath for the past three years, and finally I could let it out and breath in the fresh air, like my heart had started to beat again, after a period of inactivity. It was then I decided that that was it, the drugs, the alcohol, the feeling sorry for myself, the self-harm, all of it, had to stop, I no longer let myself worry about silly things like having friends that obviously didn't truly care for me or myself, and I opened the door once more, to let God back in to my heart, and soul.
That was two years ago, since then I have gained my qualifications as a builder, I have travelled to the other side of the world and back, I have stopped the drugs, I must admit I still drink, but I no longer let it control me, now it is nothing more than a social nicety. God is with me everyday, and has been since then, and no longer do I care that I don't have throngs of friends around me, I have a few good ones I can depend on, I have my family, and I have God. Like I said at the beginning, I don't like talking about my past, but reading some of the other testimonies I felt that whatever pain it may cause me, there are people here that would understand, and maybe, just maybe, my story will help someone else, help them to understand they are not alone, that they are never alone, and that there are people that understand, that have been there before.
God Bless you all,
Cameron Michael Smith "LostDreamer"
As far back as my memory goes I have always known God was there, and it's unusual, since nobody in my family, or in any of my varied circles of friends has any really strong faith, but I never needed anybody to tell me God was there, and God was watching, I have always just known.
Well I suppose I should start at the beginning; my name is Cameron Michael Smith, I am twenty-three years old, and I was born and raised in Scotland, my parents are divorced, but I was really young when it happened, and I was lucky, since they both put me first, and although I live with my mother, my father has been a large part of my life. Ever since I was a kid, I have been a bit of an outsider, and a loner, which I accept, it's how God made me, and his infinite wisdom is not for me to question, however when I went to college at eighteen, I had "friends", people I hung around with all the time. That wasn't where the problem started, but it was most definitely a catalyst towards tipping me over the age, it was spending time with them, when I began to drink, a lot, and I took copious amounts of drugs, a whole variation, from simple things like smoking joints, to some pretty heavy Class-A drugs. At the time, I hadn't really lost my faith, but having never really had close friends before, I put having them in my life over having God in my life, it was also around that time that I found myself getting increasingly depressed. I had been minutely depressed, always in the background, but at that time it was predominantly always on the surface, and it was responsible for me pushing away a lot of people that cared for me. For the next three years I was always either in one form of stupor, or another, either in a drug-addled haze, or completely drunk, and I have many knife scars, and cigarette burns, from my depression making me feel like hurting myself, just so I could feel something, anything. Ultimately, I was numb to everything, I couldn't feel love any more, for anyone or anything, and I became nothing but a dangerous and disheartening shell of my former self.
Not long after turning twenty-one though, I had an epiphany, I suppose you'd call it, I can remember the day in picture perfect detail, which was rare, since the previous three years, even to this day, are nothing but flashing memories, with gaping holes. I was outside, on my own, it was raining, which in itself in Scotland isn't that rare of an occurrence, I was wearing a raggedy old leather jacket I had forgotten I owned, from years before, the sky was dark, dark grey, and I was sitting on the top of the abandoned viaduct, near my mother's house. At the time I was in a considerable funk, to be honest, part of me was whispering in my head for me to just jump off the viaduct, and fall the forty+ feet to the road below, and I think that maybe I would have, had it just kept raining, on me. However, almost instantaneously the rain stopped, and the clouds parted, just a bit, just enough to let a sliver of light break through the clouds and shine down on me, and I felt at peace, something I hadn't felt for a long time. To this day I can't explain what happened next, but I got flashes of old memories, things I hadn't thought about for a long time, memories of my deceased Grandparents, whom I loved to pieces, they were my heart and soul, and just a collection of fond, and happy memories, all the good things I had forgotten about during my past three years of degrading myself with drugs, and alcohol. It was like I had been holding my breath for the past three years, and finally I could let it out and breath in the fresh air, like my heart had started to beat again, after a period of inactivity. It was then I decided that that was it, the drugs, the alcohol, the feeling sorry for myself, the self-harm, all of it, had to stop, I no longer let myself worry about silly things like having friends that obviously didn't truly care for me or myself, and I opened the door once more, to let God back in to my heart, and soul.
That was two years ago, since then I have gained my qualifications as a builder, I have travelled to the other side of the world and back, I have stopped the drugs, I must admit I still drink, but I no longer let it control me, now it is nothing more than a social nicety. God is with me everyday, and has been since then, and no longer do I care that I don't have throngs of friends around me, I have a few good ones I can depend on, I have my family, and I have God. Like I said at the beginning, I don't like talking about my past, but reading some of the other testimonies I felt that whatever pain it may cause me, there are people here that would understand, and maybe, just maybe, my story will help someone else, help them to understand they are not alone, that they are never alone, and that there are people that understand, that have been there before.
God Bless you all,
Cameron Michael Smith "LostDreamer"
