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Nichole’s Testimony
Let me introduce myself- My name is Nichole, I’m 23 years old and I’m a Christian.
What? You may ask me, your one of those?
Yes I am but I have not always been.
Maybe you will understand if I rewind a few years to tell you what it’s been like for me and how my personal relationship with Christ has carried me through many times where I have been at rock bottom.
My biological mother and my dad divorced when I was eight months old. At that time it wasn’t at all looked positively upon for a father who was unemployed to raise two children under three years of age, the other possibility of us living with our mother didn’t look to bright either.
My biological mother has what is known as paranoid schizophrenia and refused to even take her medication as she believed there was nothing wrong with her.
This left only one option, my brother who is 19 months older than me and I were put into foster home for nine months while dad searched for a job so he could have his children back.
Shortly after dad regained custody of my older brother and me we moved from Brisbane to Caloundra to start life afresh. Here dad was hoping to give us a chance to grow up as normal kids in a small town as Caloundra was 20 years ago.
Our small family of three was added to in December 1988 when at Christmas as my dad was visiting his mum he met Lorraine. They met on Christmas Day 1988 and were engaged a week later! This disrupted me a lot as I would not talk to her in fact I used to whisper to my brother and he used to speak for me. They were married the following year and soon I felt as I put it both my parents were stolen from me when my little brother was born in 1991. Apparently I didn’t like this idea very much as my mum has told me many times that I ran out of the hospital screaming that I didn’t want a baby brother.
From then on I would play mum and dad against each other and constantly blame my older brother for things (and get away with it I might add). For I was the little princess and I couldn’t do anything wrong as far as dad saw.
I know now that this is what caused a lot of the problems for me in regards to relationships especially between my older brother and me and mum and me.
Lets fast forward a few years to 2002, I was 16 years of age and in year ten at school. School wasn’t the happiest place for me. I was bullied a lot in primary and high school for different. I don’t know maybe because I sat in the library reading encyclopaedias or in high school I was in the music staff room most of the time.
I became very anxious and depressed and home life wasn’t much better as it was both mum and I fighting over everything you can imagine from her reorganising my bedroom to me not telling her anything. Dad and mum fought a lot also and I was having nights where I would cry myself to sleep and actually pray to God “Please kill me now so I don’t have to be here”. My relationship with God wasn’t too good either though I had grown up in a Christian home. I refused to do family activities and I even locked my room and set traps so if people opened my door the chair would fall and hit them.
It all escalated to one night in 2004 where I was fed up with everything so much so that after one fight, I went to the kitchen , opened the cutlery door and standing there screaming, crying and shaking at the same time I pulled out the biggest knife I could see. “This would make my family and everyone else around me see what they’ve done to me” I thought.
I slowly put the knife to my throat and screaming I tried to put the serrated edge closer and closer with all intention of killing myself. My mum did something that at the time I didn’t thank her for but now I thank God that she loved me enough even though I had hurt her so much. My mum rang the police on me and then in a matter of hours I was in Nambour Hospital Mental Health ward being hospitalised. They gave me the choice to go home but I couldn’t I knew if I had the chance I would kill myself.
I spent nights in my room alone and there was a bible in the drawer so I read it. I don’t know if you’ve felt a glimpse of hope through your body before but right there and then I was desperate and I did what I hadn’t done for a long time and I cried out to God.
In December 2004 I was on beach mission leadership team for my first year and being that close to others that had the love of God in there hearts as I had after I recommitted my life to God changed me. I vowed to never let myself give up on myself or others because God had not and will never give up on me. One verse I would like to share with you is one that still today I think of when I’m down (and yes even Christians have those moments). It is Jeremiah 29 vs. 11 “ For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”
This is my experience of Jesus even though there were times when I was extremely down, moments where I thought the world would be better off without me and moments I just needed someone to chat and laugh with, Jesus was there.
One thing I know for certain is that when I go through the bad moments he renews my strength and this gives me the chance to keep going to run and not be tired and walk but not faint (Isaiah 41vs. 31) I also know even though we have our differences that I have a mum, dad and two brothers who love me and that God has put them in my life as well as others to support and encourage me in life.
Now that you know how God has helped me, hopefully you understand that whatever you have been through or are currently going through that God will always love you and he will always be there for you even when you can not hear him.
Let me introduce myself- My name is Nichole, I’m 23 years old and I’m a Christian.
What? You may ask me, your one of those?
Yes I am but I have not always been.
Maybe you will understand if I rewind a few years to tell you what it’s been like for me and how my personal relationship with Christ has carried me through many times where I have been at rock bottom.
My biological mother and my dad divorced when I was eight months old. At that time it wasn’t at all looked positively upon for a father who was unemployed to raise two children under three years of age, the other possibility of us living with our mother didn’t look to bright either.
My biological mother has what is known as paranoid schizophrenia and refused to even take her medication as she believed there was nothing wrong with her.
This left only one option, my brother who is 19 months older than me and I were put into foster home for nine months while dad searched for a job so he could have his children back.
Shortly after dad regained custody of my older brother and me we moved from Brisbane to Caloundra to start life afresh. Here dad was hoping to give us a chance to grow up as normal kids in a small town as Caloundra was 20 years ago.
Our small family of three was added to in December 1988 when at Christmas as my dad was visiting his mum he met Lorraine. They met on Christmas Day 1988 and were engaged a week later! This disrupted me a lot as I would not talk to her in fact I used to whisper to my brother and he used to speak for me. They were married the following year and soon I felt as I put it both my parents were stolen from me when my little brother was born in 1991. Apparently I didn’t like this idea very much as my mum has told me many times that I ran out of the hospital screaming that I didn’t want a baby brother.
From then on I would play mum and dad against each other and constantly blame my older brother for things (and get away with it I might add). For I was the little princess and I couldn’t do anything wrong as far as dad saw.
I know now that this is what caused a lot of the problems for me in regards to relationships especially between my older brother and me and mum and me.
Lets fast forward a few years to 2002, I was 16 years of age and in year ten at school. School wasn’t the happiest place for me. I was bullied a lot in primary and high school for different. I don’t know maybe because I sat in the library reading encyclopaedias or in high school I was in the music staff room most of the time.
I became very anxious and depressed and home life wasn’t much better as it was both mum and I fighting over everything you can imagine from her reorganising my bedroom to me not telling her anything. Dad and mum fought a lot also and I was having nights where I would cry myself to sleep and actually pray to God “Please kill me now so I don’t have to be here”. My relationship with God wasn’t too good either though I had grown up in a Christian home. I refused to do family activities and I even locked my room and set traps so if people opened my door the chair would fall and hit them.
It all escalated to one night in 2004 where I was fed up with everything so much so that after one fight, I went to the kitchen , opened the cutlery door and standing there screaming, crying and shaking at the same time I pulled out the biggest knife I could see. “This would make my family and everyone else around me see what they’ve done to me” I thought.
I slowly put the knife to my throat and screaming I tried to put the serrated edge closer and closer with all intention of killing myself. My mum did something that at the time I didn’t thank her for but now I thank God that she loved me enough even though I had hurt her so much. My mum rang the police on me and then in a matter of hours I was in Nambour Hospital Mental Health ward being hospitalised. They gave me the choice to go home but I couldn’t I knew if I had the chance I would kill myself.
I spent nights in my room alone and there was a bible in the drawer so I read it. I don’t know if you’ve felt a glimpse of hope through your body before but right there and then I was desperate and I did what I hadn’t done for a long time and I cried out to God.
In December 2004 I was on beach mission leadership team for my first year and being that close to others that had the love of God in there hearts as I had after I recommitted my life to God changed me. I vowed to never let myself give up on myself or others because God had not and will never give up on me. One verse I would like to share with you is one that still today I think of when I’m down (and yes even Christians have those moments). It is Jeremiah 29 vs. 11 “ For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”
This is my experience of Jesus even though there were times when I was extremely down, moments where I thought the world would be better off without me and moments I just needed someone to chat and laugh with, Jesus was there.
One thing I know for certain is that when I go through the bad moments he renews my strength and this gives me the chance to keep going to run and not be tired and walk but not faint (Isaiah 41vs. 31) I also know even though we have our differences that I have a mum, dad and two brothers who love me and that God has put them in my life as well as others to support and encourage me in life.
Now that you know how God has helped me, hopefully you understand that whatever you have been through or are currently going through that God will always love you and he will always be there for you even when you can not hear him.