L
for those of you who don't know me, i have struggled with depression for almost a decade now. In those years i have had multiple suicide attempts, been sent to the psych ward at least 10 times, and gone to 5 different treatment centers. I've lost track of all the meds and therapists i've tried. people started to believe that i wasn't going to make it to age 18. well today is my 18th birthday as well as Good Friday and this is a reflection i wrote regarding those things... (it's kind of long, sorry!)
April 22, 2011
And my answer is, “Yes, yes I am.”
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once again, sorry for the length! but i hope it was worth it
may God Bless you!
April 22, 2011
There are many people who believed I wouldn’t see this day. They thought making it to 18 just wasn’t in the cards for me. I am here. I made it. I won’t lie, I wasn’t 100% convinced I’d make it either. I am overjoyed about being wrong. I think about all the days that I didn’t want to make it. I think about how many times I tried to end it all. Though all those attempts seemed like a good idea at the time, I now can see the major flaws in my thinking.
Today is also Good Friday. This is the day Jesus took the weight of the world’s sin on to His innocent shoulders and declared that it was finished. It was hard. He cried out to His Father to take away the pain, but the Father was silent. The pain I’ve endured is nothing compared to that of Jesus, but I have done my fair share of crying out to God to kill me and end my suffering and He was always silent. As I was walking home from Southwest Hills’ “Stations of the Cross” event I was thinking about Jesus’ sacrifice. God didn’t end Jesus’ pain when Jesus asked Him to, but Jesus knew that was okay. He knew that He would get to sit at the right hand of God. He would be rewarded.
I look outside today and there is not a single cloud in the sky. The sun is shining down and a cool breeze keeps the temperature comfortable. The grass seems greener. The sky seems bluer and everywhere I look creation is rejoicing. God knew I was struggling. He knew things were hard, but He knew that I could get through it. He made me and He would not abandon me. He also knew my doubts about making it to April 22, 2011. I can’t help but wonder if this beautiful day is my reward. I know when I die I will be rewarded again, but I feel like this is God’s way of saying, “Well done, Liliana. Aren’t you glad that I had you continue on?”And my answer is, “Yes, yes I am.”
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once again, sorry for the length! but i hope it was worth it
may God Bless you!
