A
Hey. My name is Lucas. I wrote my testimony back in March of this year. I'm posting it here to try and give people hope and give God the glory! I'm so excited to share this because God is so amazing! I hope the title of this post didn't sound too prideful. Has nothing to do with pride since God was the one who has done everything and not myself. I boast in the Lord for what HE has done.
Here's my testimony.
First of all though, one thing I feel obligated to do is to explain about myself, so that you can understand where my heart is in all of it. That’s where my testimony comes in. I won’t bore you with all the details, but I’ll explain to a degree where I had been, and where God has taken me since then.
Growing up, I was a really messed up kid. It’s easy to say that now, because I’ve changed so much since then. It’s the difference between noon on a sunny day, and midnight on a stormy night. My parents had pulled me out of church when I was around twelve years old. I hated church with a passion, and so after many arguments and much manipulation, I finally got my dad to stop taking me. Within a period of two years after, a lot happened in my life. When I was ten years old, I had been introduced to pornography, but between the ages of 12-14, it became a full blown addiction.
The fact that I didn’t really have friends growing up didn’t help the situation. I was a curious and annoying kid. People could argue that I had friends, but the truth is, the people I spent time with, at and outside of school, I never felt were really friends and I always ended up doing something stupid to push them away.
I was finally brought back to church in November of 2004. I was almost 15 and my friend Sam had invited me to a game they played at his church. I still didn’t really care about church, but that got my foot in the door to start learning about God a little bit more. I knew all the basics of Christianity, but I still really didn’t care. I never felt like I belonged at church. I would show up sporadically because I didn’t really care about church, but it was at least something to do.
During the very beginning teen years, when I was beginning to hit puberty, I started falling under a dark cloud of negativity. My mom tells me that I just always had to have a negative remark for anything positive. That was how my mind worked. I didn’t really realize it, and didn’t care. Not at the time anyway.
As I grew older, things in life started getting better. I got to be in a program called Running Start, which allows high school students to take 2 free years of college before they even graduate high school. Even with all the great, exciting changes, the darkness grew darker. My writing began to get more disturbing. I would write poems about darkness and death, and my mind was so overwhelmed with negativity. I began hurting myself in different ways, because I really didn’t feel human. The stuff my mind came up with, scared me, but I kept it hidden. Well, to some degree anyway.
However, when all of this was happening, God brought an amazing friend into my life. A good Christian friend named Ben. I started talking to him quite a bit, and loved our conversations. He spoke life into me and spent time praying for me. I don’t think he truly realizes, even though I talk to him occasionally, how much his prayers for 4 years have changed my life.
By the time I was 17, my identity was this. I was a very dark, depressed, helpless, angry, and near suicidal kid who felt like he wasn’t worth the dirt he walked on. Who felt so dark, he truly wanted to die and thought about it quite often. At that point, I was someone who felt so helpless, all I could do was write depressing poetry/music and just live a life that would not go anywhere. I remember telling my mom at one point I would rather be put in a mental hospital than live life where I was.
During this dark time, I still pushed/repelled a lot of people away because of my darkness. I freaked people out because of my negativity. Because of the darkness around me, I didn’t have many friends, and so the ones that I made, I would latch onto, which was a huge problem. I relied too much on people.
It was January 2008 and I had just turned 18. My mom, who saw the negativity and knew what I was going through, took me to a doctor and got me medication for my depression.
I had a bad reaction to the medication, which made me even more depressed and I tried killing myself. I remember putting the blade to my wrist, starting to cut and I tried, but it was like something was holding my wrist, and I couldn’t continue. I had the mark on my wrist for a while and I showed it to my mom. We finally switched medications which made me feel a lot better. Well, ‘a lot’ being a relative term. It helped. But the problem was, even though it was helping, I remember thinking that I didn't want a pill to be the thing keeping me alive. So I stopped taking them.
I started falling back into the darkness. Every day I tried thinking of different ways I could kill myself. I knew I would never do it. Not now. But I still thought about it. It seemed like the thoughts were constantly whispered into my ear, over, and over, and over. I went to church and youth group and helped out as a leader, but I was still really messed up, addicted to porn, addicted to a lot of other not so good things. My youth pastor knew to an extent of what I was struggling with, but he continued to encourage me and lift me up.
The thing was that now I was at church, trying to keep kids in line, I was hearing more about God. And so my mindset changed slightly. Instead of thinking “How can I kill myself today?” My mind began thinking, “Well, if I kill myself, I won’t go to heaven.” And as messed up as it sounds, I kept asking God, every day, to do something to take my life, because I didn’t want to live anymore. I still felt like a freak. I felt like I was going to hell no matter what I did, especially for what I struggled with. I really didn’t have a grasp on who God was at all. I graduated from high school and tried taking online classes for a college located in Colorado. I took two classes, and even though I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus, I kept hearing that the school wasn’t where he wanted me, and so I dropped out.
Most of 2009 passed by, and the summer was coming to a close.
This is where everything REALLY begins, where we are getting close to November 17th, 2009. Because of my friend Ben, the one who had been praying for me for years, the first one to really play a significant part in my life, I got in contact with a family I had known from back when I was a little kid. They had worship nights at their home, and something just tugged at my heart to go visit them on a Friday night worship night. This was the beginning of Satan’s demise in my life. Though at this time, I was suffering from horrible nightmares which made my insomnia even worse.
Through this amazing family, I felt a true love that I had never felt before, from anyone. It was loving warmth that made me want to go back. And it was at this place that I met the next significant person in my life. Stefan.
Stefan was a new Christian at that point in time, only being saved for a few months or so. But God seemed to really highlight him. There was something about this kid that stood out to me. Something that just told me he would be a good friend. So I got his number, and began texting back and forth and hung out with him and got to know him.
At this time too, I started getting to know the third significant person in my life. Ian. He and Stefan played really key parts in my life, just like Ben. I spent some time with them and they revealed to me for the first time about spiritual warfare in music and how the music I listened to was a possible cause for my nightmares. I didn’t believe them, but I tested what they said. I cut off all the bands I normally listened to and my dreams started returning to normal.
Even though I started to really feel like I finally had true friendships growing, I once again started falling under a dark cloud of depression. I became really negative really quickly, which I think kind of caught Stefan off guard. I was a horrible friend at that time. I admit it. I started being negative to everyone in my life. Amazing Godly friends that I had made, tried helping me, and counseling me, but it just didn’t work.
I think Stefan finally had enough. Because he sent me a text message saying “Dude, you really need to come to my church.”
I kinda shrugged it off. I tried making excuses. I didn’t want to go to another church. God hadn’t taken away the darkness when I had asked the 100 times before, when I was first trying to seek after him, why would visiting another church help? I tried to get out of it. I even asked my parents to forbid me to go but they wouldn’t, and so I felt obligated to go.
The night was a Tuesday, November 17, 2009. The service started at 8, and Stefan was supposed to pick me up, I think around 7:30? Something like that. He showed up late though.
When I got in the car, one of the first things out of his mouth was “Dude, Satan is trying everything to keep you away from there tonight. I KNOW something is going to happen.” I asked him “Why do you say that?” He then told me that he had taken like 7 to 8 wrong turns for no reason, and that he just couldn’t find his way to my house. And to this day, I believe he was right, though at the time I thought he was crazy.
We got to his church, and we got there before service started. I found myself a seat in the back of the room. A lady I had never seen before came over to me and said “You’re Lucas, right?” I was confused, wondering how the woman knew my name. I told her I was and she said “I have a message from God, for you.”
Okay, first of all, I thought she was crazy. I really did! I had never heard of someone getting messages from God for others. But I politely told her to tell me what it was. She replied “God is going to take all the pain, suffering, and sorrow, you’ve ever experienced, and he’s going to turn it to joy.”
I just nodded and she left. Like I said in the beginning, I’m leaving out a LOT of details about my life, but what she said made me shiver. I thought her message was crap. That’s the best way to put it. So she knew my name, lucky guess. That was what I was thinking anyway. I thought “I've been through so much crap in my life, there’s no way God can or will do that.”
Worship finally started and I was standing alone. At the time, I was thinking, “Where did Stefan go? I feel awkward standing by myself.” The thought left my mind though because when I stood up from my seat, for the first time in my life, I could feel a weight on my shoulders. It was almost as if someone had put a backpack of rocks on my back.
I didn’t find out till later, but Stefan was standing on the other side of the room with someone else and whispered to his friend, “Dude, we need to go pray for Lucas, it looks like he’s going to fall over.”
So they came over to me and asked if they could pray for me. I told them sure, why not. I didn’t think that it would do any harm. So they began praying for me. After a short moment, another person began praying over me. Another short moment and another person began praying for me. I think in about 5 minutes there were around 7 people surrounding me, praying for me, saying things about me and how much God loved me. I was so overwhelmed and I began crying. I tried holding it back, but I couldn’t. Finally someone told me to hold out my hands and ask God to take everything.
I did as I was told. I remember saying out loud “God, please take everything. I don’t want it!” but inside my head I was thinking “You better take it, because if you don’t, I probably won’t live much longer,” Or something along those lines. This was my final chance at being saved. It was the last chance I was planning on giving it to God.
Almost instantly after I said that, the weight on my shoulders vanished and I collapsed to the ground from relief. I heard a voice in my head speak Isaiah 41: 10 over me. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” That verse has become my life verse ever since. I also heard him speak, “I’m not going to heal you completely, because I want there to be a reason for you to keep running back to me.” As that sentence finished, I immediately felt a hand on my shoulder. I quickly looked back, wondering who was touching me. Nobody was near me. To this day, I know that God had literally touched me.
As I looked behind me, I saw Stefan and this other lady I didn’t know, on the ground laughing. I was kind of confused, because it was during worship time, and I was wondering why they were laughing. But that thought didn’t last long because I started laughing too. I didn’t know why, but I just had a need to laugh. So I started laughing. And I kept going. Stefan and the woman finally stopped after a while, but I kept going. I was on the ground clutching my stomach because I was laughing so hard.
What the first woman had prophesied over me before service started had come true. God had cleaned out my heart and was beginning to fill me with his joy and love. I was so overwhelmed I can’t even explain it. I was crying because I was laughing so hard. In total, I ended up laughing very hard for 4.5 hours, nonstop. I thought it would never end. My stomach hurt so much from all the laughter, but I didn’t even care. It was the most amazing experience of my life. I laughed myself to sleep around 1am. The amazing thing was that I woke up 4 or 5 times throughout the night, and I was still laughing. I still had no idea what was happening to me. Except that I was feeling that joy to the most amazing extent I’ve ever felt.
Around 6am, I woke up from a dream, but I wasn’t laughing. It was quiet, but I felt a peace settle on the room. Then I heard a quiet whisper. “Do you know me? Lucas…” I heard it audibly, with my own two ears. I know for a fact it was from God. It was and has been the only time I’ve ever heard his voice audibly. It was so amazing!
On November 18th, 2009, I wrote the most amazing song of my life. Spent time with Ian and Stefan in a bible study, and just felt so clean and pure.
I’ve never had a depressed or suicidal thought since November 17th, 2009, at least not the way I had before. Satan has tried to come back and attack me in those same ways, but I have overcome it every time. The darkness covering me, in that one night, was irrecoverably destroyed and I'm always joyful now. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled with a lot of sin patterns that had developed over the (Dark Ages) as I now call them, but in the past year, ever since that powerful day, on November 17th, 2009, my life has been completely altered in every possible way.
Within this past year, God has healed me even more. He has delivered and healed me from self hatred, anorexia, insomnia, horrible nightmares, self image, spirit of fear, lust, and my addiction to pornography. I haven’t had a longing or thought to look at that stuff for over a year now. It’s no longer a desire. Only God is my desire. And including all that stuff, he has also renewed my mind and has given me my true identity. He declared over me that I was who He created me to be, a young man seeking after God. He shattered the illusions Satan put over my eyes. He poured into my life in such powerful ways and has healed me from so much. My mind has been renewed. I’m forgiven and free!!!!!!!!!
I now understand why God let me go through all that hell!! It’s the biggest revelation of my life! He tells me all the time he wants me working with youth, because he knows all the hurt that is out there! He knows the minds of a lot of teenagers who feel like nobody relates to them. But I’m living proof that God cares, and that God heals. God heals, God heals, God heals!!! Just a few weeks ago God told me, "I let you go through all that, because I knew that when I finally healed you, you would be able to help others."*
This is me, 100%. This is what God has done in MY life. I’m seeking after him as much as I can, and I know he has amazing plans for me. Satan will never have me now. I refuse. Sure, I’ll be under attack. I’ve been under attack. But I know how to fight it! I know who to turn to now for everything. I no longer turn to others for affirmation. I no longer cling to people. I cling to my heavenly father. He’s revealed all the lies I’ve been told by Satan and has shattered them one by one, and revealed the true young man underneath.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have sin in my life, but considering the difference of who I was, and who I am now, It’s night and day, black and white, dark and light. I’m no longer in Satan’s darkness. I’m living in the truth. I no longer live in lies of my past. I live in absolute truth. It’s hard for me, but it’s something I have to do. Something I feel called to do. I have been changed.
I’m always joyful now! I laugh all the time now! I feel God’s love surround me everywhere. I’m walking in the light, and NOT in the darkness. I have that personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That’s what the gospel is about!
I go where God wants me to go. I am learning to step out in faith. I’ve been given an amazing gift. I hear God speak to me now. I speak life into others. God has used me to change many lives, just in ONE year. I’ve prayed over people and saw God heal them. I’ve seen so many amazing things in dreams and visions that excite me!
So take my testimony for what it is. I’m sure some who read this will find hope. I’m sure others will look at me and think what I experienced was demonic and that God didn't really heal me (some people have told me that.) Others will continue to love me. No matter what happens, I will continue to love all of you. No matter what happens, I have God on my side. That’s all that really matters in the end. (Romans 8:31b “If God is for us, who can be against us?”)
This is where my heart is. Working with youth and seeing them set free from Satan's lies. Showing them God's love, just like Ben, Stefan and Ian showed me. Thanks for reading my super long testimony. I hope God touches you through reading it as much as he's touched me in the past year.
Here's my testimony.
First of all though, one thing I feel obligated to do is to explain about myself, so that you can understand where my heart is in all of it. That’s where my testimony comes in. I won’t bore you with all the details, but I’ll explain to a degree where I had been, and where God has taken me since then.
Growing up, I was a really messed up kid. It’s easy to say that now, because I’ve changed so much since then. It’s the difference between noon on a sunny day, and midnight on a stormy night. My parents had pulled me out of church when I was around twelve years old. I hated church with a passion, and so after many arguments and much manipulation, I finally got my dad to stop taking me. Within a period of two years after, a lot happened in my life. When I was ten years old, I had been introduced to pornography, but between the ages of 12-14, it became a full blown addiction.
The fact that I didn’t really have friends growing up didn’t help the situation. I was a curious and annoying kid. People could argue that I had friends, but the truth is, the people I spent time with, at and outside of school, I never felt were really friends and I always ended up doing something stupid to push them away.
I was finally brought back to church in November of 2004. I was almost 15 and my friend Sam had invited me to a game they played at his church. I still didn’t really care about church, but that got my foot in the door to start learning about God a little bit more. I knew all the basics of Christianity, but I still really didn’t care. I never felt like I belonged at church. I would show up sporadically because I didn’t really care about church, but it was at least something to do.
During the very beginning teen years, when I was beginning to hit puberty, I started falling under a dark cloud of negativity. My mom tells me that I just always had to have a negative remark for anything positive. That was how my mind worked. I didn’t really realize it, and didn’t care. Not at the time anyway.
As I grew older, things in life started getting better. I got to be in a program called Running Start, which allows high school students to take 2 free years of college before they even graduate high school. Even with all the great, exciting changes, the darkness grew darker. My writing began to get more disturbing. I would write poems about darkness and death, and my mind was so overwhelmed with negativity. I began hurting myself in different ways, because I really didn’t feel human. The stuff my mind came up with, scared me, but I kept it hidden. Well, to some degree anyway.
However, when all of this was happening, God brought an amazing friend into my life. A good Christian friend named Ben. I started talking to him quite a bit, and loved our conversations. He spoke life into me and spent time praying for me. I don’t think he truly realizes, even though I talk to him occasionally, how much his prayers for 4 years have changed my life.
By the time I was 17, my identity was this. I was a very dark, depressed, helpless, angry, and near suicidal kid who felt like he wasn’t worth the dirt he walked on. Who felt so dark, he truly wanted to die and thought about it quite often. At that point, I was someone who felt so helpless, all I could do was write depressing poetry/music and just live a life that would not go anywhere. I remember telling my mom at one point I would rather be put in a mental hospital than live life where I was.
During this dark time, I still pushed/repelled a lot of people away because of my darkness. I freaked people out because of my negativity. Because of the darkness around me, I didn’t have many friends, and so the ones that I made, I would latch onto, which was a huge problem. I relied too much on people.
It was January 2008 and I had just turned 18. My mom, who saw the negativity and knew what I was going through, took me to a doctor and got me medication for my depression.
I had a bad reaction to the medication, which made me even more depressed and I tried killing myself. I remember putting the blade to my wrist, starting to cut and I tried, but it was like something was holding my wrist, and I couldn’t continue. I had the mark on my wrist for a while and I showed it to my mom. We finally switched medications which made me feel a lot better. Well, ‘a lot’ being a relative term. It helped. But the problem was, even though it was helping, I remember thinking that I didn't want a pill to be the thing keeping me alive. So I stopped taking them.
I started falling back into the darkness. Every day I tried thinking of different ways I could kill myself. I knew I would never do it. Not now. But I still thought about it. It seemed like the thoughts were constantly whispered into my ear, over, and over, and over. I went to church and youth group and helped out as a leader, but I was still really messed up, addicted to porn, addicted to a lot of other not so good things. My youth pastor knew to an extent of what I was struggling with, but he continued to encourage me and lift me up.
The thing was that now I was at church, trying to keep kids in line, I was hearing more about God. And so my mindset changed slightly. Instead of thinking “How can I kill myself today?” My mind began thinking, “Well, if I kill myself, I won’t go to heaven.” And as messed up as it sounds, I kept asking God, every day, to do something to take my life, because I didn’t want to live anymore. I still felt like a freak. I felt like I was going to hell no matter what I did, especially for what I struggled with. I really didn’t have a grasp on who God was at all. I graduated from high school and tried taking online classes for a college located in Colorado. I took two classes, and even though I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus, I kept hearing that the school wasn’t where he wanted me, and so I dropped out.
Most of 2009 passed by, and the summer was coming to a close.
This is where everything REALLY begins, where we are getting close to November 17th, 2009. Because of my friend Ben, the one who had been praying for me for years, the first one to really play a significant part in my life, I got in contact with a family I had known from back when I was a little kid. They had worship nights at their home, and something just tugged at my heart to go visit them on a Friday night worship night. This was the beginning of Satan’s demise in my life. Though at this time, I was suffering from horrible nightmares which made my insomnia even worse.
Through this amazing family, I felt a true love that I had never felt before, from anyone. It was loving warmth that made me want to go back. And it was at this place that I met the next significant person in my life. Stefan.
Stefan was a new Christian at that point in time, only being saved for a few months or so. But God seemed to really highlight him. There was something about this kid that stood out to me. Something that just told me he would be a good friend. So I got his number, and began texting back and forth and hung out with him and got to know him.
At this time too, I started getting to know the third significant person in my life. Ian. He and Stefan played really key parts in my life, just like Ben. I spent some time with them and they revealed to me for the first time about spiritual warfare in music and how the music I listened to was a possible cause for my nightmares. I didn’t believe them, but I tested what they said. I cut off all the bands I normally listened to and my dreams started returning to normal.
Even though I started to really feel like I finally had true friendships growing, I once again started falling under a dark cloud of depression. I became really negative really quickly, which I think kind of caught Stefan off guard. I was a horrible friend at that time. I admit it. I started being negative to everyone in my life. Amazing Godly friends that I had made, tried helping me, and counseling me, but it just didn’t work.
I think Stefan finally had enough. Because he sent me a text message saying “Dude, you really need to come to my church.”
I kinda shrugged it off. I tried making excuses. I didn’t want to go to another church. God hadn’t taken away the darkness when I had asked the 100 times before, when I was first trying to seek after him, why would visiting another church help? I tried to get out of it. I even asked my parents to forbid me to go but they wouldn’t, and so I felt obligated to go.
The night was a Tuesday, November 17, 2009. The service started at 8, and Stefan was supposed to pick me up, I think around 7:30? Something like that. He showed up late though.
When I got in the car, one of the first things out of his mouth was “Dude, Satan is trying everything to keep you away from there tonight. I KNOW something is going to happen.” I asked him “Why do you say that?” He then told me that he had taken like 7 to 8 wrong turns for no reason, and that he just couldn’t find his way to my house. And to this day, I believe he was right, though at the time I thought he was crazy.
We got to his church, and we got there before service started. I found myself a seat in the back of the room. A lady I had never seen before came over to me and said “You’re Lucas, right?” I was confused, wondering how the woman knew my name. I told her I was and she said “I have a message from God, for you.”
Okay, first of all, I thought she was crazy. I really did! I had never heard of someone getting messages from God for others. But I politely told her to tell me what it was. She replied “God is going to take all the pain, suffering, and sorrow, you’ve ever experienced, and he’s going to turn it to joy.”
I just nodded and she left. Like I said in the beginning, I’m leaving out a LOT of details about my life, but what she said made me shiver. I thought her message was crap. That’s the best way to put it. So she knew my name, lucky guess. That was what I was thinking anyway. I thought “I've been through so much crap in my life, there’s no way God can or will do that.”
Worship finally started and I was standing alone. At the time, I was thinking, “Where did Stefan go? I feel awkward standing by myself.” The thought left my mind though because when I stood up from my seat, for the first time in my life, I could feel a weight on my shoulders. It was almost as if someone had put a backpack of rocks on my back.
I didn’t find out till later, but Stefan was standing on the other side of the room with someone else and whispered to his friend, “Dude, we need to go pray for Lucas, it looks like he’s going to fall over.”
So they came over to me and asked if they could pray for me. I told them sure, why not. I didn’t think that it would do any harm. So they began praying for me. After a short moment, another person began praying over me. Another short moment and another person began praying for me. I think in about 5 minutes there were around 7 people surrounding me, praying for me, saying things about me and how much God loved me. I was so overwhelmed and I began crying. I tried holding it back, but I couldn’t. Finally someone told me to hold out my hands and ask God to take everything.
I did as I was told. I remember saying out loud “God, please take everything. I don’t want it!” but inside my head I was thinking “You better take it, because if you don’t, I probably won’t live much longer,” Or something along those lines. This was my final chance at being saved. It was the last chance I was planning on giving it to God.
Almost instantly after I said that, the weight on my shoulders vanished and I collapsed to the ground from relief. I heard a voice in my head speak Isaiah 41: 10 over me. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” That verse has become my life verse ever since. I also heard him speak, “I’m not going to heal you completely, because I want there to be a reason for you to keep running back to me.” As that sentence finished, I immediately felt a hand on my shoulder. I quickly looked back, wondering who was touching me. Nobody was near me. To this day, I know that God had literally touched me.
As I looked behind me, I saw Stefan and this other lady I didn’t know, on the ground laughing. I was kind of confused, because it was during worship time, and I was wondering why they were laughing. But that thought didn’t last long because I started laughing too. I didn’t know why, but I just had a need to laugh. So I started laughing. And I kept going. Stefan and the woman finally stopped after a while, but I kept going. I was on the ground clutching my stomach because I was laughing so hard.
What the first woman had prophesied over me before service started had come true. God had cleaned out my heart and was beginning to fill me with his joy and love. I was so overwhelmed I can’t even explain it. I was crying because I was laughing so hard. In total, I ended up laughing very hard for 4.5 hours, nonstop. I thought it would never end. My stomach hurt so much from all the laughter, but I didn’t even care. It was the most amazing experience of my life. I laughed myself to sleep around 1am. The amazing thing was that I woke up 4 or 5 times throughout the night, and I was still laughing. I still had no idea what was happening to me. Except that I was feeling that joy to the most amazing extent I’ve ever felt.
Around 6am, I woke up from a dream, but I wasn’t laughing. It was quiet, but I felt a peace settle on the room. Then I heard a quiet whisper. “Do you know me? Lucas…” I heard it audibly, with my own two ears. I know for a fact it was from God. It was and has been the only time I’ve ever heard his voice audibly. It was so amazing!
On November 18th, 2009, I wrote the most amazing song of my life. Spent time with Ian and Stefan in a bible study, and just felt so clean and pure.
I’ve never had a depressed or suicidal thought since November 17th, 2009, at least not the way I had before. Satan has tried to come back and attack me in those same ways, but I have overcome it every time. The darkness covering me, in that one night, was irrecoverably destroyed and I'm always joyful now. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled with a lot of sin patterns that had developed over the (Dark Ages) as I now call them, but in the past year, ever since that powerful day, on November 17th, 2009, my life has been completely altered in every possible way.
Within this past year, God has healed me even more. He has delivered and healed me from self hatred, anorexia, insomnia, horrible nightmares, self image, spirit of fear, lust, and my addiction to pornography. I haven’t had a longing or thought to look at that stuff for over a year now. It’s no longer a desire. Only God is my desire. And including all that stuff, he has also renewed my mind and has given me my true identity. He declared over me that I was who He created me to be, a young man seeking after God. He shattered the illusions Satan put over my eyes. He poured into my life in such powerful ways and has healed me from so much. My mind has been renewed. I’m forgiven and free!!!!!!!!!
I now understand why God let me go through all that hell!! It’s the biggest revelation of my life! He tells me all the time he wants me working with youth, because he knows all the hurt that is out there! He knows the minds of a lot of teenagers who feel like nobody relates to them. But I’m living proof that God cares, and that God heals. God heals, God heals, God heals!!! Just a few weeks ago God told me, "I let you go through all that, because I knew that when I finally healed you, you would be able to help others."*
This is me, 100%. This is what God has done in MY life. I’m seeking after him as much as I can, and I know he has amazing plans for me. Satan will never have me now. I refuse. Sure, I’ll be under attack. I’ve been under attack. But I know how to fight it! I know who to turn to now for everything. I no longer turn to others for affirmation. I no longer cling to people. I cling to my heavenly father. He’s revealed all the lies I’ve been told by Satan and has shattered them one by one, and revealed the true young man underneath.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have sin in my life, but considering the difference of who I was, and who I am now, It’s night and day, black and white, dark and light. I’m no longer in Satan’s darkness. I’m living in the truth. I no longer live in lies of my past. I live in absolute truth. It’s hard for me, but it’s something I have to do. Something I feel called to do. I have been changed.
I’m always joyful now! I laugh all the time now! I feel God’s love surround me everywhere. I’m walking in the light, and NOT in the darkness. I have that personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That’s what the gospel is about!
I go where God wants me to go. I am learning to step out in faith. I’ve been given an amazing gift. I hear God speak to me now. I speak life into others. God has used me to change many lives, just in ONE year. I’ve prayed over people and saw God heal them. I’ve seen so many amazing things in dreams and visions that excite me!
So take my testimony for what it is. I’m sure some who read this will find hope. I’m sure others will look at me and think what I experienced was demonic and that God didn't really heal me (some people have told me that.) Others will continue to love me. No matter what happens, I will continue to love all of you. No matter what happens, I have God on my side. That’s all that really matters in the end. (Romans 8:31b “If God is for us, who can be against us?”)
This is where my heart is. Working with youth and seeing them set free from Satan's lies. Showing them God's love, just like Ben, Stefan and Ian showed me. Thanks for reading my super long testimony. I hope God touches you through reading it as much as he's touched me in the past year.
