A testimony to me, is many things. I look at it like a novel of your life that God is writing. It doesnt just begin at conversion, there are chapters along the way which radically change you and alter the perspective you have of God and life in general. I guess, for me, I feel led to share one chapter of my journey with you in the hope that anyone else out there who has/is facing similar circumstances may find some comfort or release. Anyway...on with the story.
I grew up in what you would say was the 'nuclear family' Mum, Dad my sister and I. When I was 12 years old our family altered somewhat. A boy who lived up the road from us ended up shearing our sheep each year (yup, raised on a NZ farm) he became part of the furniture at our house! His Dad passed away not long after he started visiting us so in a lot of ways, my Dad became the surrogate Dad and while he was never 'fostered' we took him in like a brother and son.
He was born with a heart condition and I always knew he was sick because if he got a nose bleed at school the ambulance always had to come and take him away. This was routine for him and it never stopped him from going at life full speed, that is, till he was 19. He took a massive turn and ended up having open heart surgery. He came right for the next few years and then another huge scare, when his wife rang to say he had suffered a stroke (at 25 yrs old)! He was paralysed down one side but thankfully he recovered with just slurred speech. Life went on and he slowed down a bit but in 99/2000 he started having more problems. Now it was serious, he needed a heart transplant.
All the time I had known him I had prayed for him. I became a Christian at 12 yrs old, and I adored him and wanted to see him in Heaven. I remember praying so hard for him when he had open heart surgery and hoping that one day he would be open to God. All the time I had known him, he gave me nothing but grief about being 'religious.' I would never preach to him but he always ridiculed my beliefs so it became a subject I never brought up.
Sadly, he never lived to get a transplant. He went out hunting (deer stalking) one weekend and never returned. It was 3 1/2 gruelling days wait till they found his body. Guilt, anger and grief swept over me. Why God? Why the one person in my life who I have prayed for, and he never got the chance to accept you into his life? I wanted him in Heaven, not Hell! The anger at God brought me to silence toward him. I even wished it was me that died not him. When a Christian dies, at least there is hope, right then I had no hope. Months went by of overwhelming guilt for not saying something, for not trying, for the missed opportunities....was there a time when God wanted me to say something to him and I missed it? The weight of his salvation lay heavy on my shoulders. I blamed myself, I hated myself, I felt responsible.
It wasnt till about a year or so later, when a good friend wrote me a letter that I began to see that his salvation doesnt rest on my shoulders, it doesnt all come down to me! Was it a revelation that snapped me out of my despair - no way, but as I read and re-read that letter the truth of God slowly began to work on the guilt and unforgiveness I held toward myself. God shows himself to people through Creation and through our life journeys. I know he knew more Christians than just me and my sister. God is big enough to use ANYONE to affect his life, not JUST me. I am not responsible...this is not my fault. As I slowly pondered and as more wisdom came from Christians around me this realisation began to sink in....but it was a long slow process...2 years on and I still battled it.
So where has he spent eternity? The Lord only knows. One would like to say that in those last moments in the bush he cried out to God....but I really dont know. I still struggle with that. I still struggle with missing him every day...and its been 9 years! Grief, in my opinion, is not something that you "get over." It is something you learn to live with. I take comfort in the fact that it says in Psalms - "God sees every tear you cry and keeps them in a bottle." How cool! God loves me, he loved my brother too, he grieves when I grieve and he provides comfort.
This journey has been long and difficult. Writing this, though hard, has been healing. The main thing is to value the loved ones in your life and to let them know how much you care. I wish I had told my brother I loved him, but he was staunch and woulda told me to toughen up! haha, but he knew I cared anyway. Since he is gone I have learnt to appreciate people more and to stick my neck out and share God with others - but only when appropriate and very tactfully! Healing from the pain is the hardest thing and it is a journey. So if you are grieving right now, whether it be a relationship loss or death, take heart. God is there to comfort you and he will restore you. There is no time limit on how long you grieve, it is a unique process for each individual.
To conclude, I would like to share a poem I wrote on the first anniversary of losing my brother. This will give you some insight into the unique relationship we had....plus 'rumbles' lol, we used to play fight, it was never fair, he just pinned me to the ground or walked outside with me upside down and dunked my head in our fish pond! LOL
"BROTHER"
Precious memories I dearly hold
Bittersweet thoughts begin to unfold,
Of a friendship so close and dear to my heart
Though you are gone, they’ll never depart.
In my minds eye I remember a boy,
who entered my life-his chief aim-to annoy!
With lots of pranks,fun and laughter along the way
You became part of my life, like a brother I guess you’d say.
From out on the farm doing odd jobs with Dad,
To antagonising me, just to see me mad,
The good times, the joy, you brought into our home
Were more significant than you could ever have known.
I protested at running around after you,
For making your milo’s (hot choc for those who dont know what that is!) was all I seemed to do!
The pleasure you gained from watching my glare
As Mum would tell me to make them - so there!
Although the time came for you to move away
You’d visit or ring just to say G’day
When you married and lived in another town,
It was my turn to visit so I’d come on down.
I remember the time with the BB Gun,
Shooting at pots in your yard, and I couldn’t even hit one!
No amount of trying could even our score
Your laughter and jeering made me say ‘NO MORE’.
Then there’s the time on the back of your bike
In the good clothes I was wearing that night,
We were off down the road taking Goldy (dog) for a run
I didnt know that I was part of the fun!
For you took me through puddles, ditches and tracks,
Mud up to my shoulders, my hair and my back,
You ignored my plea’s to stay clean
I should’ve seen that on coming - oh your so mean!
The memories flood back, thick and fast,
I’d be here all day if I listed them to the last.
A year has gone by since you passed away
I miss you so much, with each passing day
I was privileged to have those great times with you,
They’re a comfort and bring a smile or two.
The greatest honour though, that could ever be,
Was you acknowledging a sister - referring to me.
I grew up in what you would say was the 'nuclear family' Mum, Dad my sister and I. When I was 12 years old our family altered somewhat. A boy who lived up the road from us ended up shearing our sheep each year (yup, raised on a NZ farm) he became part of the furniture at our house! His Dad passed away not long after he started visiting us so in a lot of ways, my Dad became the surrogate Dad and while he was never 'fostered' we took him in like a brother and son.
He was born with a heart condition and I always knew he was sick because if he got a nose bleed at school the ambulance always had to come and take him away. This was routine for him and it never stopped him from going at life full speed, that is, till he was 19. He took a massive turn and ended up having open heart surgery. He came right for the next few years and then another huge scare, when his wife rang to say he had suffered a stroke (at 25 yrs old)! He was paralysed down one side but thankfully he recovered with just slurred speech. Life went on and he slowed down a bit but in 99/2000 he started having more problems. Now it was serious, he needed a heart transplant.
All the time I had known him I had prayed for him. I became a Christian at 12 yrs old, and I adored him and wanted to see him in Heaven. I remember praying so hard for him when he had open heart surgery and hoping that one day he would be open to God. All the time I had known him, he gave me nothing but grief about being 'religious.' I would never preach to him but he always ridiculed my beliefs so it became a subject I never brought up.
Sadly, he never lived to get a transplant. He went out hunting (deer stalking) one weekend and never returned. It was 3 1/2 gruelling days wait till they found his body. Guilt, anger and grief swept over me. Why God? Why the one person in my life who I have prayed for, and he never got the chance to accept you into his life? I wanted him in Heaven, not Hell! The anger at God brought me to silence toward him. I even wished it was me that died not him. When a Christian dies, at least there is hope, right then I had no hope. Months went by of overwhelming guilt for not saying something, for not trying, for the missed opportunities....was there a time when God wanted me to say something to him and I missed it? The weight of his salvation lay heavy on my shoulders. I blamed myself, I hated myself, I felt responsible.
It wasnt till about a year or so later, when a good friend wrote me a letter that I began to see that his salvation doesnt rest on my shoulders, it doesnt all come down to me! Was it a revelation that snapped me out of my despair - no way, but as I read and re-read that letter the truth of God slowly began to work on the guilt and unforgiveness I held toward myself. God shows himself to people through Creation and through our life journeys. I know he knew more Christians than just me and my sister. God is big enough to use ANYONE to affect his life, not JUST me. I am not responsible...this is not my fault. As I slowly pondered and as more wisdom came from Christians around me this realisation began to sink in....but it was a long slow process...2 years on and I still battled it.
So where has he spent eternity? The Lord only knows. One would like to say that in those last moments in the bush he cried out to God....but I really dont know. I still struggle with that. I still struggle with missing him every day...and its been 9 years! Grief, in my opinion, is not something that you "get over." It is something you learn to live with. I take comfort in the fact that it says in Psalms - "God sees every tear you cry and keeps them in a bottle." How cool! God loves me, he loved my brother too, he grieves when I grieve and he provides comfort.
This journey has been long and difficult. Writing this, though hard, has been healing. The main thing is to value the loved ones in your life and to let them know how much you care. I wish I had told my brother I loved him, but he was staunch and woulda told me to toughen up! haha, but he knew I cared anyway. Since he is gone I have learnt to appreciate people more and to stick my neck out and share God with others - but only when appropriate and very tactfully! Healing from the pain is the hardest thing and it is a journey. So if you are grieving right now, whether it be a relationship loss or death, take heart. God is there to comfort you and he will restore you. There is no time limit on how long you grieve, it is a unique process for each individual.
To conclude, I would like to share a poem I wrote on the first anniversary of losing my brother. This will give you some insight into the unique relationship we had....plus 'rumbles' lol, we used to play fight, it was never fair, he just pinned me to the ground or walked outside with me upside down and dunked my head in our fish pond! LOL
"BROTHER"
Precious memories I dearly hold
Bittersweet thoughts begin to unfold,
Of a friendship so close and dear to my heart
Though you are gone, they’ll never depart.
In my minds eye I remember a boy,
who entered my life-his chief aim-to annoy!
With lots of pranks,fun and laughter along the way
You became part of my life, like a brother I guess you’d say.
From out on the farm doing odd jobs with Dad,
To antagonising me, just to see me mad,
The good times, the joy, you brought into our home
Were more significant than you could ever have known.
I protested at running around after you,
For making your milo’s (hot choc for those who dont know what that is!) was all I seemed to do!
The pleasure you gained from watching my glare
As Mum would tell me to make them - so there!
Although the time came for you to move away
You’d visit or ring just to say G’day
When you married and lived in another town,
It was my turn to visit so I’d come on down.
I remember the time with the BB Gun,
Shooting at pots in your yard, and I couldn’t even hit one!
No amount of trying could even our score
Your laughter and jeering made me say ‘NO MORE’.
Then there’s the time on the back of your bike
In the good clothes I was wearing that night,
We were off down the road taking Goldy (dog) for a run
I didnt know that I was part of the fun!
For you took me through puddles, ditches and tracks,
Mud up to my shoulders, my hair and my back,
You ignored my plea’s to stay clean
I should’ve seen that on coming - oh your so mean!
The memories flood back, thick and fast,
I’d be here all day if I listed them to the last.
A year has gone by since you passed away
I miss you so much, with each passing day
I was privileged to have those great times with you,
They’re a comfort and bring a smile or two.
The greatest honour though, that could ever be,
Was you acknowledging a sister - referring to me.
