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My Testimony
How I got here it all started in California I was living a party life drinking, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I never really moved away because I never could leave her. I was always to scared you see when I was 21 I over dosed on drugs and almost died I never passed out I went through the whole experience from start to finish it was the scariest time in my life. I remember every second I was screaming out I don’t want to die I could hear then doctor telling my mom that my heart could explode I was on the emergency room table screaming out I could feel my body shutting down. My mother was a woman who walked in faith with god who truly knew Jesus Christ. I could hear her say he is not going anywhere. Well I did not (by Gods Grace) I got up in the hospital the next day I asked the doctor what was wrong with me he said nothing in fact your heart is fine. Well for 2 years after that, I had anxiety attacks so bad I would not leave my mother’s side I was so full of fear I knew if I died she was so close to God she could call me back.
My life was spent in the word of God since the overdose you see I never left my house so I could not go out and drink and party so I read the word of God. There was only one problem I did it cause I could not go out I learned a lot but I never kept it in my heart I never walked in it I ran in it, there for I missed everything I was reading and doing I believe a lot of us are doing this. When we run with god, we miss so much let me put it this way I when you run down a street you miss so much and did not; even know it. When you walk down that same street, you see so much you notice things that were never there. Therefore, is the same in the bible when we speed-read through it you never see how much you missed? Then one day you read it again this time you read slowly and then it all comes to life. Therefore, what was wrong with me it is very simple I ran and did not walk so all that I read never had time to grow? Then one day my attacks went away and I went back to drinking and going out. I did not stay in the word because I was never ground I never learned the love of God I was not mature in my walk with God so I turned back and went back into the world I did not turn back to drugs I was to scared too but I made alcohol my drug this time. I never learned what was wrong with me was I was tiring to fill a void that nothing on earth could do but that never stopped me. In all, that I had done God kept me through it all even though I had my hand in his face and did not love him. How many of us have done that or are doing it you see no matter where I went he was right there even though I did not want him he never gave up on me and he won’t on you. When my mother got sick, it did not scare me but when we found out what the sickness was and I knew what could happen it did. My mom was a woman of true faith she had her problems just as we do. If we look at the apostles that Jesus wanted to walk with him, we find they were not top men of wisdom and wealth. These men were just workers they were always arguing with each other could you image what Jesus was thinking. Here he is trying to teach his people and his twelve apostles are arguing but one thing we can see he never gave up on them and look who they became. My mom had the love of God in her she would put everything and everyone above herself. She never complained about not having this or why did they get that no she was so content in just knowing and talking with her friend God our lord and savior. I loved my mother so much I miss her all the time our laughs not having her there to cry too one of the things I miss the most was just hearing her say it will be all right. As I am typing this tears roll down my face but joy rises up in my heart knowing she is with her friend in glory. Now while she was facing death she was always smiling she never feared death she was more worried about us. My mother had a dear friend Carol I think they were more sister then friends they had a love for each other I think many people never could understand. They laughed they argued just like the apostles but in the end they were standing side by side. She was with my mom until the end a faithful friend that never gave up. Here we see Jesus again through carol that never gives up and leaves you.
I thought God would heal her so I went about my life God had other plans and I lost all that time with her. It is the same for you how much time do wish you could have back I am sure a lot but we can’t change the past but if we let God help we can change the future. I loved her so much but I loved myself all my life and in all I did, she still loved me with all her heart that is how God loves us but even far greater more then we can ever understand. So how did I love myself I wanted everything I wanted what I did not have I would do whatever it took to get what I wanted. So in my selfishness I wanted everyone to like me I would try to buy their love both friends and girls. While I was still in my life of drinking my mom was getting worse and my father had to take care of her more and more while he was still working at Disneyland. Well one day my father had a minor stroke and was in the hospital that day when I was leaving the hospital I heard my father say I love you I wept it was the first time I heard him say that. You see my dad was a loving man but his way of showing it was just providing.
Well he had a second stroke so that last two weeks of my mother’s life I took care of her and was there till the end I cried when she lift. I must say this God gave her the desire of her heart she wanted to bury in a pine box and she had said she wanted to go home. I truly believe God did give her the desires of heart. You see I went in and ordered a nice coffin I was determined to not let her be put in a pine box. I saw the coffin in a picture and told them at the funeral home I wanted this one. Well her funeral day came and they pulled up with my mother was they were bring her out my face dropped and I saw her in a pine box I knew what I picked no one change the order God gave her the desires of her heart I left the funeral mad. When she died though I went numb, something happened to me I just felt no love I did not know what happen I thought I would never love again. I thought no one could ever give me the ability to love again I knew God could but I was not interested in him at that time but God had somebody for me that would (Carrie would be the one open my heart and then God would really would open it).
In about 2 months after she passed I was on a plane to Mississippi by myself which was a miracle in its self I never went anywhere far from my mom. I was going out there to buy old cars for someone in California it turned out that after three trips there and back I decided to move there I had no idea why in