I came from addicted and codependent parents, an abusive, manipulative, violent, and controlling father who had no ability to see outside himself or his desires. I was raped from infancy and objectified by the very man who was supposed to protect and call me out. And a passive-aggressive, raging, abusive mother who told me horrible things that I would never wish on my worst enemy. I was born also with a chronic illness which determined that much of the focus of my life would be on the fear if becoming retarded. I was self-sufficient by 8, cooking and cleaning for my whole family, giving all my money to my mom. I was her caretaker and consoler, and to my father I was an object for his pleasure. I walked into unsafe situations and was victimized over and over again. By 9, I was convinced that I was going to be raped violently and there was nothing I could do but accept it, stuff it, and move on... Because all I was good for was the pleasure of a man. At 13, I found all my abuse bubbling to the surface. I could no longer hold it in. So I clung to people. It was at this time that I first began realizing my value and that not all men were bad. This came about through several relationships I was pursuing at school. The depression got so bad that I decided to kill myself. As I stood with knife in hand the Lord spoke to me. "Its ok. We can do this." and I gave my life to him from that very moment.
I kept seeking fulfillment in boys. It was all about being valued. Despite being with some awful ones who only commented on my body... And told me things like, "I don't really like Christians, but if this is how Christian girls act, I think I might like them.". I had one standard. I wasn't going to have sex with them, but that didnt stop me from anything else.
I became anorexic and almost killed myself again by age 16. Yet, God was wooing me. He brought Godly people in my life who treated me like a precious little girl, who valued me for more than my body, who took time to get to know me and demonstrate Gods heart to me in tangible ways.
At 17 I graduated and did what only God could have gotten me to do. I moved to the big city, 500 miles from my disordered but tight-knit family. I began college and was raped by my 3rd week. I stuffed it. I kept pushing forward. I lived with over 30 roommates and didn't realize then I didn't only have issues with men, women scared me more. Thus I can only remember 2 roommate who were ok. The rest of those relationships proved destructive because of my passivity, and inability to set boundaries to protect myself from very controlling women. I dated my first official boyfriend at 19. We dated for a year and a half and were secretly engaged. He was very fake and objectified women. His mother was insane and he had a very codependent relationship with her. By divine intervention and inspiration I finally realized i was worth more and I dumped him leaving myself with no way to get back to school, but God provided. Six months later, I met my husband. We dated for 5 years. He was a pastors son from a good family. He respected women and was just what I thougt I needed. He wasn't going to cheat on me, and he wasn't going to judge me by my weight. After two years of dating, his mother died. His whole family began unraveling. A month after we got married, he was asked to step down from ministry (his life) until he could find work. He rebelled and took what was supposed to be an exhortation as an attack.
After a year I was getting tired. I loved him dearly, but he did nothing. He wouldn't look for work. He wouldn't go to school. He wouldnt ask for help. He wouldn't clean. He would rarely shower. He did nothing that he promised while we were dating. Last year at this time I began counseling and I started addressing some of the issues in my marriage. At first he went to counseling and tried to be supportive, but after less than two months he began banning me from talking to my pastors and friends. It started slowly, eventually I wasn't allowed to talked to anyone. He refused to go to church. He absolutely hated the pastors. Because I was close with them, and share similar personalities, I became the enemy also. There were cussing fits, things being thrown, doors being slammed, holes in walls; and my once gentle and respectful husband was no more.
In July i went on a 3 week missions trip to South Africa. Two days before departure he told me he wanted a divorce. I left still and I left his choice in Gods hands. A few days before I returned home he began talking to me again and telling me he was going to work on things. After two weeks nothing was happening so I called him on it. The raging got worse. Within the next month and a half he told me he was divorcing me and took it back a half dozen times. It was on my way to work on sept 11 that he told me once again that he was done. Then he refused to talk to me unless it was by his manipulative rules. I stayed at a friends and he went into the psych ward the next day. He called me after two weeks to tell me he wanted to work on things. He got out a month later, called me on my birthday in a fit of rage and I hung up on him. He broke things at his dad home and left because he wasn't allowed to snoop on the computer. His paranoia had worsened and after trying to get me to allow him to enter my apt and get his hidden suicide notes, he was readmitted to the hospital. He didn't talk to me for a month. Then we talked for three weeks. After those weeks he decided again that he was divorcing me. After 5 months of hospitalization, he still hates me and thinks I am the worst person in the world.
All through my life the enemy, the world, and my flesh has tried to define me. My parents were the opposite of what they should have been and I grew up with no sense of true identity. So I defined myself by my dad fantasies and my moms projections. Since 13, God has been breaking me of this false identity. He has been redeeming what I never had. He has been wooing me to know Him more and more. He has been redefining my entire life. By the worlds psychology, I should be a young mother lost in an abusive relationship and addicted to all kinds of things. While I am far from healed, I am not where I should logically be in life. I love Jesus for He is the redeemer of all things.

Thanks for sharing your testimony with us. God is awesome!!

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Everything you are to me, is everything I'll ever need!