M
Hey everyone - I really hope this isn't difficult to read - and I am sorry ahead of time if it is. It was an emotional thing, to write all of this, and I hope it makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to read it...
<3
I was seventeen when I began rebelling against my family, myself and the Lord. My life was perfect to any other person looking on, but inside, I was dying. Growing up, I was homeschooled and very sheltered. Then when I was 15, we moved, and that’s when I started seeing a bit more of what the world is really like. How heartless and difficult it can be when you move outside your sheltered little life. I went to high school. My first year in, my sophomore year, I was very alone. No one spoke to me, and I was miserable. Then, my family moved to a nearby town, where I finished my last two years of High School. While going to school there, I dated my first boyfriend...then as my last semester of senior year started, my life began to crumble. So did my faith. My best friend betrayed me, my parents were constantly angry with me, I began to stop eating and I lost so much weight people began to worry. I was sick all the time. My boyfriend broke up with me. I lost interest in studies. My grades fell. I couldn't feel God near me and I slowly started to think I was a fool for believing He would care about all my problems or how much I hurt. No one else seemed to. I shut myself up. I was always alone. I wouldn't open up to anyone, because everyone I had opened up to in the past seemed to not care. I felt completely alone. I'd find myself walking around in the middle of the night. I’d stare up at the sky and asking God why he would allow the things to happen in my life. In March, I was rushed to the hospital, and told I needed to have immediate surgery. I won’t go into details because it’s not important. I found myself almost hoping I wouldn't wake up. My life felt like it was crushing me. My friends were waiting for me to finally get over my ex and want to get out, my parents wanted me to be interested in church and studies - and I just wanted to figure out where I belonged... Everyone I knew was so caught up in the stupid drama of High School, I didn't have anyone to have a deep and meaningful talk with - someone who would understand the depression I was feeling. I tried talking to my best friend, but then I found out she was going after my ex. She had known how much I loved him, but she’d lied and kept it from me. I became even more of a loner. I was in a hole and I had no idea how to get out. I hated this feeling of being so past redemption… I tried to figure out ways to let the pain out. So many of my friends were cutting, and I figured that was the answer. I remember sitting in my bedroom late one night holding scissors over my arms. I had super loud music blaring in my ears, and I was sobbing. I knew it was a mistake, but I wanted to figure out someway to let this all out. It took me five minutes to figure out that I didn’t have the guts to cut – and I screamed and threw the scissors across the room. That just made me more angry at myself for not having the strength to just hurt myself. Graduation came and went, and the summer started. Later on in the summer, I began dating a good friend. We went on a road trip, running away from the pain we were feeling from recently being dumped… The reason we both hurt so much was because we had both been dumped so they could go after each other. His ex (my best friend) was now dating mine. So we decided to get away and took a trip with another friend down to Kansas City. I thought I loved him, but as it progressed, I felt more and more like his toy. With my first boyfriend, we had never been physical. He had never even kissed me. But now, suddenly, I found myself with this guy that didn’t think it was wrong to be physical with someone you truly loved. I felt like I was on a line. I could go one way, and be completely alone and lost or I could cling to him, and just let my pain take over, and lose myself as long as I wasn't alone. I felt like if he was the one person that was going to make an effort, and who would take care of me, and make me feel like I belonged, then giving up a little bit of my purity was calling it even. He was tangible – I could feel him there beside me, and God felt so far away. I know I can't make you understand how broken I felt, but I wish I could, so you could understand how I felt... Things got worse and worse with him. I felt God calling me quietly; telling me that I was more precious than this boy was treating me. Telling me that giving myself to him was not going to make him stay with me. God was whispering to me and telling me that I was wrong. And when I wouldn't listen to Him, He would show me other images that would get my attention. For example, one night I was with my boyfriend in his truck, and I'm sure you get the picture we were making out heavily, and his hands were going everywhere...and I was crying. I could hear God in my head, but I didn't want to listen...because I knew if I listened, I'd be back to feeling alone. At least that’s how I felt at the time. I was 18, but I was so naive. I was brand new to the dating thing. Anyways, things kept going with my boyfriend. Clothes were on the floor. God suddenly flashed a memory I had with my father into my mind. One of me and him, when I was a little girl; a sweet memory – one that reminded me of how much I was loved, and how precious I was. One that made me realize how ashamed I would be to have my father know about this… And suddenly I pushed my boyfriend away and got out of the truck, I got into mine, and I sped away. I cried the whole way home, and ran into the bathroom when I got there. I was sobbing and shaking, and I got over the toilet feeling so sick. I splashed water on my face and looked in the mirror. I remember exactly how my face looked when I saw myself. From the side of my neck down all over my neck, were hickeys. I felt like a slut, and I started sobbing. I ran into my moms room – deciding right then, that I needed someone. I was ready for her to hate me. Ready for her to be ashamed – but I needed someone to see me – someone who could help stop me. I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to stop myself, and I felt like if she got mad, she’d be able to somehow stop me. She wasn’t angry, she wrapped her arms around me and cried. I talked to her briefly, and she promised me she wouldn’t tell anyone. But she broke that promise to me the next day – I walked into the living room, wearing a high collar shirt, to hear her yelling about it to my entire family. I was mortified, but what hurt me the most was the look in my daddy’s eyes when he looked from my mother to me. I talked to him, and he expressed how ashamed he was of me. He said he thought he had raised me better than this, and what made me cry so much while he was talking was the fact that I knew he was right. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t how I was raised… After that night, I tried to keep my standards up, but they kept falling. My boyfriend would promise me he wouldn't let us be that way, but that never happened. And I wish I could blame him sometimes, but I can't - in some ways, I encouraged us to be that way, because I could forget how empty my heart felt. I know now EXACTLY what I was searching for. Like I said, nothing changed with my boyfriend. Each night he would drop me off at home, and I would rush to the shower because I wanted to feel clean. I wanted to somehow find that innocence I once had…
I never could, and soon I broke it off with him…
This killed me, because it hurt him, and I hate hurting people.
My first ex, Ryan, came back into my life then, and apologized for hurting me so much. He was the one who had treated me with respect and honor. The one who valued everything about me – so we got back together. I was able to slowly patch things up with my old best friend…and it felt like my life was getting back in order. It took me a month before Ryan could touch me (just a simple hug or hold my hand) without me flinching. I felt so used up and empty…but he understood that. We had some hard conversations, but I told him everything. And he stayed. He loved me, despite how far I’d fallen, and I began to feel like me again. I was going to church, I was interested in life and family again. I was a good friend and people trusted me. I was loved and I felt like finally, I’d been rescued. Meanwhile, I was arranging for my friend Jordan to move up and room with me in my new apartment. She came, and used me up completely. I trusted her with all of my past – every detail. Then, people began coming to me, warning me about her. I always told them they didn’t know what they were talking about – that I knew her and she wouldn’t be doing the things they were accusing her of. I’d confront her about it, and she would tell me everyone was lying. Then, slowly, I saw her for who she was. Which was painful – everything she had ever told me was a lie. Now, she and I don’t talk… If you’ve ever lost a close friend, you know how hard it is to feel like you’ve been used, lied to, or played… As hard as it was to lose her, I was so thankful to still have my boyfriend, Ryan. I was so in love with this guy…and he loved me. And we resisted temptation for months, but we started to fall into the physical rut I had left behind. I tried to justify it with saying “I know he’s the one.” We dated until about a month and a half ago. He broke up with me suddenly, accusing me of lies and many other things. None of which were true.
I had about three weeks where I battled the depression again. I was so angry. I’m still so hurt. And it brings tears to my eyes each time I think of how much I have given away. How much of myself that I don’t have anymore. And to two guys that are a very distant part of my life now. I still love Ryan more than you could imagine. He means the world to me… But it doesn’t excuse the fact that I sinned…
And that’s a sin that I’ve asked the Lord to forgive me for. But it’s also one that leaves a scar. A deep, deep one.
That sums up the last 2 years of my life. Ok, now I can finally get to the reason I posted this in the first place
I went to church for the first time tonight…and the message was about priorities. I bet you can understand why that one hit so close to home, huh? I sat there, completely silent, soaking up everything the pastor was saying. And I was reliving the last 2 years in my mind…and finally so much made sense to me.
Tonight I realized –
I had been putting 2 different guys in the place where GOD ALONE should be. No matter how lonely I feel. I realized God loved me – He always had, and he always would. And that all those times I felt so alone, and cried so hard, He had been right there beside me. Loving me so close… I was the one who had walked away as I wandered around asking “why?” so much – instead of realizing I am not meant to know all the answers to why things happen, I kept searching for answers. Which only led me to being more lost. I realize that nothing is worth losing your purity over. Just so you know, I never slept with either of these guys, but I still lost a lot of the pure woman I was. But God is gracious, and I know He forgives me for the mistakes I’ve made – but now I must live with the consequences of my actions.
I’m not saying that I am completely happy – but I can say that I’m content. I see now that everything I went through was stuff I put myself through – God was always there, waiting with open arms for me to come running back to Him. I have seen what lengths I can go to, to try to fill the emptiness with something other than what belongs there – the Lord. I am amazed tonight as I write this, of how loving and faithful the Lord is. He loves me enough to take me back even in my bloody, bruised and torn up mess. He is the One who knows absolutely everything I have done in these last two years, (and more) and he still loves me and offers me forgiveness. He offers me a way out of the dark life I’ve been leading. And maybe that’s why he allowed Ryan to leave – so that I could see all of this. Also, so maybe Ryan could be taken away from the temptation. I don’t know how God will work through all of this for Ryan, but I know He will. Tonight it felt like it was all laid out for me - I could see that I have reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly screwed up. He brought me through all of this, and all of this has brought me to my knees before Him – asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness that I don’t deserve.
I have had an angry heart. A heart that seeks its own. A heart that envies and boasts. I’ve kept a list of how people have hurt me, instead of forgiving them the way I’ve been forgiven.
I still look back and feel confused. It all still hurts and I know it will for a long time. The mistakes I made, though forgiven, will have a lasting affect… And not just on me.
I have failed in my witness. I’ve caused these two amazing guys to sin. That is more heart breaking then I can describe. I’ve asked them both for forgiveness…
I just see now that the One I have been searching for never left my side. The one thing I always needed and the one love I always craved has always been right there. Its not a love I need to sacrifice my purity for. It’s not a love that has to be hidden in the cab of a truck. It’s not a love that I have to learn how to live without. It’s not a love we have to justify. It’s the One True Love of my life…
God has brought me through a dark area in my life – I know this is not the last time I will feel hopeless or alone – but I do know that this is the last time I will wander aimlessly – because what I need so desperately will never leave my side. And I KNOW that now.
And the peace that is filling my heart right now, is overwhelming. God is so great, and I am forever going to be in love with the Lord.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This is the kind of love I want – and the kind of love the Lord has shown is possible – through these last two years of my life. He is the only one I truly NEED. And the only one I have found, through hard experience, that I can not live without.
<3
I was seventeen when I began rebelling against my family, myself and the Lord. My life was perfect to any other person looking on, but inside, I was dying. Growing up, I was homeschooled and very sheltered. Then when I was 15, we moved, and that’s when I started seeing a bit more of what the world is really like. How heartless and difficult it can be when you move outside your sheltered little life. I went to high school. My first year in, my sophomore year, I was very alone. No one spoke to me, and I was miserable. Then, my family moved to a nearby town, where I finished my last two years of High School. While going to school there, I dated my first boyfriend...then as my last semester of senior year started, my life began to crumble. So did my faith. My best friend betrayed me, my parents were constantly angry with me, I began to stop eating and I lost so much weight people began to worry. I was sick all the time. My boyfriend broke up with me. I lost interest in studies. My grades fell. I couldn't feel God near me and I slowly started to think I was a fool for believing He would care about all my problems or how much I hurt. No one else seemed to. I shut myself up. I was always alone. I wouldn't open up to anyone, because everyone I had opened up to in the past seemed to not care. I felt completely alone. I'd find myself walking around in the middle of the night. I’d stare up at the sky and asking God why he would allow the things to happen in my life. In March, I was rushed to the hospital, and told I needed to have immediate surgery. I won’t go into details because it’s not important. I found myself almost hoping I wouldn't wake up. My life felt like it was crushing me. My friends were waiting for me to finally get over my ex and want to get out, my parents wanted me to be interested in church and studies - and I just wanted to figure out where I belonged... Everyone I knew was so caught up in the stupid drama of High School, I didn't have anyone to have a deep and meaningful talk with - someone who would understand the depression I was feeling. I tried talking to my best friend, but then I found out she was going after my ex. She had known how much I loved him, but she’d lied and kept it from me. I became even more of a loner. I was in a hole and I had no idea how to get out. I hated this feeling of being so past redemption… I tried to figure out ways to let the pain out. So many of my friends were cutting, and I figured that was the answer. I remember sitting in my bedroom late one night holding scissors over my arms. I had super loud music blaring in my ears, and I was sobbing. I knew it was a mistake, but I wanted to figure out someway to let this all out. It took me five minutes to figure out that I didn’t have the guts to cut – and I screamed and threw the scissors across the room. That just made me more angry at myself for not having the strength to just hurt myself. Graduation came and went, and the summer started. Later on in the summer, I began dating a good friend. We went on a road trip, running away from the pain we were feeling from recently being dumped… The reason we both hurt so much was because we had both been dumped so they could go after each other. His ex (my best friend) was now dating mine. So we decided to get away and took a trip with another friend down to Kansas City. I thought I loved him, but as it progressed, I felt more and more like his toy. With my first boyfriend, we had never been physical. He had never even kissed me. But now, suddenly, I found myself with this guy that didn’t think it was wrong to be physical with someone you truly loved. I felt like I was on a line. I could go one way, and be completely alone and lost or I could cling to him, and just let my pain take over, and lose myself as long as I wasn't alone. I felt like if he was the one person that was going to make an effort, and who would take care of me, and make me feel like I belonged, then giving up a little bit of my purity was calling it even. He was tangible – I could feel him there beside me, and God felt so far away. I know I can't make you understand how broken I felt, but I wish I could, so you could understand how I felt... Things got worse and worse with him. I felt God calling me quietly; telling me that I was more precious than this boy was treating me. Telling me that giving myself to him was not going to make him stay with me. God was whispering to me and telling me that I was wrong. And when I wouldn't listen to Him, He would show me other images that would get my attention. For example, one night I was with my boyfriend in his truck, and I'm sure you get the picture we were making out heavily, and his hands were going everywhere...and I was crying. I could hear God in my head, but I didn't want to listen...because I knew if I listened, I'd be back to feeling alone. At least that’s how I felt at the time. I was 18, but I was so naive. I was brand new to the dating thing. Anyways, things kept going with my boyfriend. Clothes were on the floor. God suddenly flashed a memory I had with my father into my mind. One of me and him, when I was a little girl; a sweet memory – one that reminded me of how much I was loved, and how precious I was. One that made me realize how ashamed I would be to have my father know about this… And suddenly I pushed my boyfriend away and got out of the truck, I got into mine, and I sped away. I cried the whole way home, and ran into the bathroom when I got there. I was sobbing and shaking, and I got over the toilet feeling so sick. I splashed water on my face and looked in the mirror. I remember exactly how my face looked when I saw myself. From the side of my neck down all over my neck, were hickeys. I felt like a slut, and I started sobbing. I ran into my moms room – deciding right then, that I needed someone. I was ready for her to hate me. Ready for her to be ashamed – but I needed someone to see me – someone who could help stop me. I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to stop myself, and I felt like if she got mad, she’d be able to somehow stop me. She wasn’t angry, she wrapped her arms around me and cried. I talked to her briefly, and she promised me she wouldn’t tell anyone. But she broke that promise to me the next day – I walked into the living room, wearing a high collar shirt, to hear her yelling about it to my entire family. I was mortified, but what hurt me the most was the look in my daddy’s eyes when he looked from my mother to me. I talked to him, and he expressed how ashamed he was of me. He said he thought he had raised me better than this, and what made me cry so much while he was talking was the fact that I knew he was right. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t how I was raised… After that night, I tried to keep my standards up, but they kept falling. My boyfriend would promise me he wouldn't let us be that way, but that never happened. And I wish I could blame him sometimes, but I can't - in some ways, I encouraged us to be that way, because I could forget how empty my heart felt. I know now EXACTLY what I was searching for. Like I said, nothing changed with my boyfriend. Each night he would drop me off at home, and I would rush to the shower because I wanted to feel clean. I wanted to somehow find that innocence I once had…
I never could, and soon I broke it off with him…
This killed me, because it hurt him, and I hate hurting people.
My first ex, Ryan, came back into my life then, and apologized for hurting me so much. He was the one who had treated me with respect and honor. The one who valued everything about me – so we got back together. I was able to slowly patch things up with my old best friend…and it felt like my life was getting back in order. It took me a month before Ryan could touch me (just a simple hug or hold my hand) without me flinching. I felt so used up and empty…but he understood that. We had some hard conversations, but I told him everything. And he stayed. He loved me, despite how far I’d fallen, and I began to feel like me again. I was going to church, I was interested in life and family again. I was a good friend and people trusted me. I was loved and I felt like finally, I’d been rescued. Meanwhile, I was arranging for my friend Jordan to move up and room with me in my new apartment. She came, and used me up completely. I trusted her with all of my past – every detail. Then, people began coming to me, warning me about her. I always told them they didn’t know what they were talking about – that I knew her and she wouldn’t be doing the things they were accusing her of. I’d confront her about it, and she would tell me everyone was lying. Then, slowly, I saw her for who she was. Which was painful – everything she had ever told me was a lie. Now, she and I don’t talk… If you’ve ever lost a close friend, you know how hard it is to feel like you’ve been used, lied to, or played… As hard as it was to lose her, I was so thankful to still have my boyfriend, Ryan. I was so in love with this guy…and he loved me. And we resisted temptation for months, but we started to fall into the physical rut I had left behind. I tried to justify it with saying “I know he’s the one.” We dated until about a month and a half ago. He broke up with me suddenly, accusing me of lies and many other things. None of which were true.
I had about three weeks where I battled the depression again. I was so angry. I’m still so hurt. And it brings tears to my eyes each time I think of how much I have given away. How much of myself that I don’t have anymore. And to two guys that are a very distant part of my life now. I still love Ryan more than you could imagine. He means the world to me… But it doesn’t excuse the fact that I sinned…
And that’s a sin that I’ve asked the Lord to forgive me for. But it’s also one that leaves a scar. A deep, deep one.
That sums up the last 2 years of my life. Ok, now I can finally get to the reason I posted this in the first place
I went to church for the first time tonight…and the message was about priorities. I bet you can understand why that one hit so close to home, huh? I sat there, completely silent, soaking up everything the pastor was saying. And I was reliving the last 2 years in my mind…and finally so much made sense to me. Tonight I realized –
I had been putting 2 different guys in the place where GOD ALONE should be. No matter how lonely I feel. I realized God loved me – He always had, and he always would. And that all those times I felt so alone, and cried so hard, He had been right there beside me. Loving me so close… I was the one who had walked away as I wandered around asking “why?” so much – instead of realizing I am not meant to know all the answers to why things happen, I kept searching for answers. Which only led me to being more lost. I realize that nothing is worth losing your purity over. Just so you know, I never slept with either of these guys, but I still lost a lot of the pure woman I was. But God is gracious, and I know He forgives me for the mistakes I’ve made – but now I must live with the consequences of my actions.
I’m not saying that I am completely happy – but I can say that I’m content. I see now that everything I went through was stuff I put myself through – God was always there, waiting with open arms for me to come running back to Him. I have seen what lengths I can go to, to try to fill the emptiness with something other than what belongs there – the Lord. I am amazed tonight as I write this, of how loving and faithful the Lord is. He loves me enough to take me back even in my bloody, bruised and torn up mess. He is the One who knows absolutely everything I have done in these last two years, (and more) and he still loves me and offers me forgiveness. He offers me a way out of the dark life I’ve been leading. And maybe that’s why he allowed Ryan to leave – so that I could see all of this. Also, so maybe Ryan could be taken away from the temptation. I don’t know how God will work through all of this for Ryan, but I know He will. Tonight it felt like it was all laid out for me - I could see that I have reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly screwed up. He brought me through all of this, and all of this has brought me to my knees before Him – asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness that I don’t deserve.
I have had an angry heart. A heart that seeks its own. A heart that envies and boasts. I’ve kept a list of how people have hurt me, instead of forgiving them the way I’ve been forgiven.
I still look back and feel confused. It all still hurts and I know it will for a long time. The mistakes I made, though forgiven, will have a lasting affect… And not just on me.
I have failed in my witness. I’ve caused these two amazing guys to sin. That is more heart breaking then I can describe. I’ve asked them both for forgiveness…
I just see now that the One I have been searching for never left my side. The one thing I always needed and the one love I always craved has always been right there. Its not a love I need to sacrifice my purity for. It’s not a love that has to be hidden in the cab of a truck. It’s not a love that I have to learn how to live without. It’s not a love we have to justify. It’s the One True Love of my life…
God has brought me through a dark area in my life – I know this is not the last time I will feel hopeless or alone – but I do know that this is the last time I will wander aimlessly – because what I need so desperately will never leave my side. And I KNOW that now.
And the peace that is filling my heart right now, is overwhelming. God is so great, and I am forever going to be in love with the Lord.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This is the kind of love I want – and the kind of love the Lord has shown is possible – through these last two years of my life. He is the only one I truly NEED. And the only one I have found, through hard experience, that I can not live without.
