A
Okay.. i have to start from the very beginning.
No one's ever heard the entire story..
Well, my mom met my father while he was in jail for murder.. but she didnt know at the time, she would drive my grandmother to see her son everyday. For a long time i thought i was born with married parents.. but it turned out i was born 8 months after they married. They divorced because my father was a cheater.
When i was 3 my mom got a job offer in texas.. she took it right away, and i never knew about my family back in tennessee &georgia & chicago. She quickly met a man my brother and i didnt like (i couldnt remember i had another brother then).. he had children my mother's age. But one
of his sons liked me.. he was about 4 years older.
By the time i was 4 he made it clear he liked me, and began touching me every day.. then doing other things to me. One time my brother walked in on him.. doing things, and instead of defending me my brother joined him. Every day that happened. the first time my mom walked in on it, she hypervinalated and pretended she never saw it. The second time she blamed it on me.. and continued blaming it on me, and told her boyfriend it was my fault.
One day my other brother showed up in my life, i was still 4.. he saw everything that was happening to me. We both had messed up lives (he was 6).. so we tried to committ suicide together, my mom walked in right after we emptied the bottles and had our stomachs pumped.
Then my other brother was kidnapped by his father, when that happened I watched my mom punch mirrors and swear and scream.. blood would be everywhere and shed blame it on me.. and punish me for it, while her blood dripped on me. So i tried to committ suicide again when i was 6 by swallowing pen ink.. she made me sit over the toilet and throw it all up.
When i was 7 i was shippped off to my grandmother's.. i was told i was going there for my bday, but i would come back.. i stayed there for a year never hearing from my mom. When i was sent back my mom, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's son were waiting for me.. i cried right away, but my mom thought they were happy tears. I went back to the same abuse.. then I started cussing (not around my mom) and hanging around bad people. I was proposed to at 8 by some guy... screwed up right?
I watched my mom's long term boyfriend scream at her and hit her, she would cry and blame it on me and tell me to go back in the house with his son.. and her boyfriend hated me too. When i was 9 they got married. My room was right across from her husband's son..i wouldn’t sleep for weeks at a time. I was the smartest kid in school, but most days i wouldnt show up, instead id walk down the street hoping someone would kidnap and kill me. My neighbor was a registered pedophile.. and so were many old guys in the neighborhood.. so old pervs would stare at me, and stalk me, but they never came for me.
My oldest brother entered my life again.. he and my step brother would fight.. blood would be on the walls, in the carpet, in the kitchen, in my room.. everywhere. They both did drugs.. my step brother stole his father's guns one time and blamed it on my brother. So my step dad kicked my brother out.. (my step dad did other things to me [not sexually] but il save that for another time) so my mom moved out too. I was about 11 then.. oh.. and i started cutting when i was 9.. like screaming in pain cutting, but i thought i deserved it, plus it released pain in a way (my mom knew, but didn’t say anything.. that didn’t make it any better). I didnt know i had post traumatic stress disorder either.. my grades started slipping and my mom would calll me dumb and a ‘b****’ one moment.. then say she never did the next day. She had schizophrenia... but i didnt know it then.
Old guys on the internet started stalking me.. police had to get involved a lot, and then it became illegal for me to get on the web because i was "such an easy target". Then i watched my mom try to committ suicide because her boyfriend and husband wanted her to.. thats another horrible story.. I knew a little about God then.. but whatever faith i had vanished.. bad things started haunting my dreams.. i'd feel things in the dark sit on my bed.. id sit in the bath tub with a knife in my hand, but i could never go through with putting myself in that much pain.. so i stuck to trying with pills.
My friends were drug dealers and satan worshippers and the kind of people you see at parties.. they were usually older than me because I didnt fit in with younger people-they just didnt understand. My brother came back into my life again (the oldest one) and he hated me with a passion, he told me every day how he would kill me if i werent a girl. My mom blamed it on me.. i felt worthless.
The last time a guy stalked me the cops asked if i was hiding anything.. so i told them about my step brother ..i was ordered mandatory therapy that would be payed for. My mom told my therapist I was there for constantly misbehaving.. i told my therapist the truth and she got a restraining order on my step brother and started arguingwith my mom.. so my mom stopped taking me to therapy (but the cops don’t know)
I was so weak.. I couldn’t handle things.. My mind was a blurry mess of memories with holes, and I constantly felt numb.. when I’d come out of my numbness I’d only feel sad to the point where I didn’t have tears left I night to cry myself to sleep. If you’re feeling sorry for me you can stop right now. I didnt even tell the entire story like I had planned.
One day a summer before going to my 7th school I really felt the need to go outside.. which is a dumb idea if you’ve been sitting in the dark and live in texas.. So I walk downstairs with my hair all kinds of crazy, wearing pjs, and I opened the door. I was blinded by almost painful light, and I was overwhelmed with happiness, pure joy and I instantly knew there was a God! I found a woman who would take me to church and teach me about this beautiful being my soul longed for.. I began reading the bible.. everything in it is true and so real.. I had thought it was some bogus book but OH was I wrong! I couldn’t put it down sometimes.. At church I met people who were sweet and kind to me right away, even though they had never met me. I met people who loved and cared about me, their hearts were softened by an Amazing God! my pastors said things about me they had never saidabout anyone else (i heard from other people).. they saw strength in me.. other people started looking up to me.
God brought me out of my worst, and is still bringing me out of bad situations. I know im odd and different, but I have a God above all Gods and with Him I can do anything- I can do all things.
Now I have a purpose and a destiny. I’ve never been happier.. Sometimes I hate thinking about my past, but it’s time to let go and let God. I’ve told my pastor that I wanted to learn how to forgive and she’s helping me on that journey. I know it won’t be easy, but im so tired of being angry, it’s only weighing me down.
I give everything to God. I am his servant now.
<3
:You should write a book of your life some day. This post was wonderful, best one ive read so far because i can actually relate to some things, God bless!!!
