Even Me

I was adopted and grew up in a home of non-believers. My adopted mother died when I was nine years old. The dad was non-existent before this, only coming to the table to eat and not much else i remember about him until this time. Five months later he married a woman from a very legalistic religion that by all accounts i could gather believe that only a small handful of people have the true Gospel and they are the only ones who can rightfully claim to be the children of God. My first impression of God was that He hated everybody.
When I became a teen, I started experimenting with drugs and sexual issues which I had no information about from anyway. No parenting and no where to turn to that I felt comfortable with. Now, the key element here is that when i was six years old a make cousin of mine molested me. He was only around ten himself even though this dose not justify what he did. The confusion from this event led me to explore the homosexual life style. I would go in and out of this exploration for some time. I also went from one religion to another trying to find a god that would except me or at least like me a little bit. I tried just about every one I could find.
After many years of the struggle with sexual brokenness and seeking some form of a god, I found myself at a point where I came to believe that God and I had a deal and it was all good as it was.
Around 2007 after many years of trying to find a mate that was not abusive or had some other issues (I had been clean from drugs from some time by then) I found a man who was nice enough, a business owner and who I thought was the one I had been looking for. I met him on line...needless to say there were flaws in my hopes with that. After a year of talking with this man I moved to Oregon to be with him. It was ok for a while but, God had other plans.
in 2010 the man's mother died. I was at a place where I had started having questions about my life again. One day, almost out of the blue God spoke to me in a very real way and let me know very clearly that the life I was living was not in my best interest and that if I wanted to live much longer or for that matter at all, I would finally bend the knee to His will for my life. I struggled with this for three very long days, not eating much, not sleeping much and not feeling very healthy in my mind. God was angry again! That was my conclusion for a short time. God was out to get me! That lasted for about an hour or so maybe. Either way I was convicted of my sin. Three days after this started, I repented and accepted Jesus as the Messiah and my Lord and Savior.
Today, after two years of being a christian and serving the Lord I am starting to work in a ministry for people wanting to leave the homosexual life style, I lead a small group of youth and God has blessed me in far too many ways to list here. I am free from the struggles of the past by His grace and He is calling me into Leadership in bigger ways than I ever thought possible.
It is so humbling now to think that God would use even me for His work or that He would love even me after all those years of sexual sin, drugs, anger at Him and a host of things I wont go into here. His mercy and love has been given even to the least likely of people. He has set me part even though at one time I had turned my back on Him and spit on His plan for mankind in a gross way. Our God has given me a ministry and a testimony of Himself that has changed lives and blessed churches in our area. Jesus, in all his sinless glory took on even my sins and is using me to give hope and encouragement to others. How great is our God!
And yes...i am free from homosexuality today all because of the work of the cross.

thank you.
The moment he forgave you of your sins when you repented, how did you feel in that moment?
did you just stop having the urge to be homosexual?

glory be to God!

It was more like for about a week I was walking around the world but was not part of it. Kind of like a dream. That lasted for some time while i struggled with the law vs grace. Then that feel got even stronger for a day or two when God revealed Christ as the law fulfilled. After that I felt less like a dream taking place and have had some struggles off and on but, I know it is a process of purification now too. I also know my struggle was not with attraction to other men but what I thought I wanted to be that I saw in other men. My vision of what a man is was messed up also needless to say so worldly manhood and Godly manhood is something that I am letting God work on now.

It touched me so much that you have a humble heart and an absolute trust in God. It is His secret that He uses all the challenges of our lifes to keep us growing in Him. I am so sorry that you had to suffer so much when your mummy passed away. I imagine, if God could have human feelings, He would feel so happy to see you working for Him now. Thank you for the amazing testimony.

We were made in God's image, so any positive feeling we have, He has them too. God rejoices in His children when they do His will.

danieliam
Thank you for sharing your story!! It is an encouragement to me to hear a present day Saul/Paul miraculous conversion story. I know God is love and He was loving you always.....
I can relate to your description of walking in the world but not feeling a part....I wonder if this could be related to the presence of the Holy Spirit at work? He does work in wonderful and mysterious ways.
He has proven Himself real to me in powerful ways a few times, and I have experienced the joyful reunion lavished on the prodical child. Praise God for His mercy and grace.
God bless you,
from momtotwo