I asked God to kill me and He didn't

I am glad you are here with us.

There are a few moments in my long past where I wanted to totally stop existing as me.
I did not seek to kill or take from anyone (what suicide does), but I had an intense temptation to disappear (another reason people commit suicide).
I cannot remember the context for such thoughts; but I know my beliefs about "hell" played a significant role in my not comitting suicide, as well as my beliefs about "God."

I'm living in a country that I dislike. I remain here because my husband does not want to go back to our nationalised country. I am Asian and many people in the place where I am don't like Asians. I have been trying to fit in and it has been very difficult and I did not get any support from my husband (he's not asian). I have been getting a lot criticism and unkindness. Lots more happened but I will not explain that otherwise I will have to write a book. Anyway, it reached that point where I started to get symptoms of depression whereby I did not want to get out of bed and when I did I would just start crying for no reason. I felt oppressed & depressed. During these times, I asked God many times to take me (kill me sounds like a criminal act) [/SIZE] & He never did
I would try to read the word of God and just could not get anything out of it because my heart and my mind was so focused on my situation. I actually started to have feelings of resentment towards the people in general. I was not rude to them but in my heart resentment was growing.
Anyway, one day, my husband & I were at the beach and the water was a little choppy. People were having fun in the water getting sloshed around in the waves. My husband went in to have a swim. After he went in I decided to go in for a dip as well and wait for him so that we both could get out of the water at the same time as he likes to swim out quite far. Eventually I saw him coming back and I started to swim parallel to the beach but going to meet him. The currents in the water were starting to get pretty strong.
My husband got out and he did not see me, I yelled at him and he turned and yelled back telling me to get out of the water because a huge wave was coming. I was only like 6 metres from the shore and I tried to swim and I found that I was not getting anywhere. At the same time, the water around me felt like concrete weighing me down. My husband jumped in and the wave hit us and instead of throwing us forward, it actually carried us out. It wasn't far but it was impossible to get back to shore. By this time, I could not lift my arms to do anything. Exhaustion took over and I couldn't breathe properly. My husband put his arm around my neck to hang on to me. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. Then my husband waved to the people on the beach and I saw a life guard jump into the water and a a tall man who was seated next to us on the beach. Because I was in and out of consciousness, I did not see everything that happened but my husband related it to me. But God allowed me to see the parts that He wanted to show me. The next thing I knew my husband said to the life guard "take her cause I can get back on my own". So the life guard caught hold on me on my left and the other man on my right. Where we were was a bay and the life guard said that we could not go back to the bay where we were because the current was taking us away from it so they started to swim towards another bay passing some rocks. They too were finding difficulty doing it. During this time, GOD spoke to me in my heart "These two men have risked their lives to help you. I love them and I want you to love them just as I love them". That was a wake up call. They eventually managed to get me across to the other bay with the help of a huge wave that came along and threw us out on the shore.
After this incident for a few days, the presence of the Holy Spirit was so strong, healing the resentment in my soul and showing me that I have to be strong and not to worry about what others think of me and that I'm to give my worries to Jesus. He healed me from the resentment that grew inside my heart and now it seems that people's criticism are just bouncing off from me and not entering my soul. God has given me His wisdom on how to act/react and that I have to look at the people through God's eyes. He loves them and He wants me to reach out to them regardless of how they are. It was a scary experience in the water but at the same time I do thank God for it cause He took me out of that drunken state of oppression & depression.

I used to pray for death daily. Glad you are still here with us.

I pray for the lords return for strength, courage, I ask the lord not to make things easier but to make me stronger.

I say put your mind on those and hold true.

May the Lord be with you and yours?

Believe me just when you think there is no hope something good will happen.
Twinkle, I am asian too and from a small child there has always been discrimination ( even from my own negative mother ) and I am so glad that I have know how to choose friends that accept the way you. The secret is to be around positive people who are honest and always trust your instincts. Thanks for your story, very inspiriing.

If I may, I'd like to share the story of a friend. She and her brother were molested by her mothers boyfriend when they were 8 and 9 yrs old. her brother ran away from home and wasn't heard from for 20yrs. Her aunt was a heroin addict. Her aunt introduced my friend to her dealer at 14 my friend moved in with the dealer. He was 24 at the time. After being molested at 9 my friend prayed for God to kill her. She constantly romed the streets of New Jersey late at night praying to be murdered. She never forgave God. She is 32 now and does not believe in prayer. I pray for for her.

So glad your still here! I have prayed that prayer many times, but God kept you alive, and all of us alive so there must be a reason right? Now we have a purpose!!! God loves ya

To all who have prayed the death prayer or may be contemplateing it. Please don't leave us. We need you in this spiritual battle there is only one like you. We can't replace you. There have been many times that I have wanted the entire earth realm to be over and done with. I wake up sometimes disappointed that its still here, but God carries me when my spirit is down like that. The evil in this world is smothering, but don't give up and don't give in because God never will. Let go and let God.

Tried thrice before coming to our loving Father. He saved me all the three times... even my family members don't know this to this day.. i let the cat out here..

(Preethiforjesus, wow!) For someone out there: (I work in a major hospital. I've seen a lot of physical damage done to people who have attempted suicide. Faces blown off, mangled bodies, on and on. They only severely multiplied their problems. just because you attempt suicide doesn't mean that you will suceed.) I felt led by the Spirit to share that.

I was going to do that once, I really was... God had other plans and those plans hurt lol badly.

I pray every night He will take me.

well life short. Everyone is a candidate for the painful truth called death. Everyone dies but not everyone truly lives. That is why I am so thankful after a night sleep I am still alive. A gift from God. I do not wait for an answered prayer so I can tell the whole world what a God I have . That fact that I am awake the next day is something I am thankful of.

Glory to the risen king

A few months ago i was at the point of completely giving up. My girlfriend, almost lifelong friend, took a walk with my best friend. It caught me so off guard, I never saw it coming! And I just wanted to die.

Conversely, God set us far apart which has helped, but now I am heading home and I am not looking forward to the reception. My church loves her, obviously I did something to drive her into sin. Most of my friends and "family" actually think the same. I may have to move in order to just have in person friends again!

But, I learned that all is not well for her, God seems to be making her life tough - I am assuming to call her back to Him. This is to the point that she is now where I was months ago. I do not want her dead, I know that I have to forgive her, but forgetting the betrayal will be a little harder. But, then I maybe be getting a head of myself - she still has some apologizing to do first.

Healing takes time. The good part is that you know in your heart you have to forgive her and thats just putting yourself and her before God.
As for her apologising - even if she didn't, God will give you so much love for her that you won't need her to apologise to you. When my daughter (17 then) walked out of our home, it broke my heart and tore me apart. But I never needed her to apologise to me because my love for her was greater than anything else. I didn't need the apology. I kept no record of wrong.

May God comfort you & lead you. May His rest be upon you and may He give you wisdom for your life and may He bless you mightily

I also wanted to kill myself at 18-19 years old I felt alone. I look back now and think I'm glad I wasn't so selfish. Everyone that cares for you it will be the worst thing ever for them. Family will never live it down and stop crying. Your loved ones pay the price in full. Who hurts worse you or the family if you did that. Give yourself time even though it hurts. I gonna tell you the truth straight. In your future you will get married have kids that look like you and it will be the best thing ever. I could talk forever on this subject. I now have triplet girls and its worth the wait. I did get divorced, so I am batting .500. You can leave the divorce thing out though.

I might not call them suicidal thoughts but there were a couple times in which I just wanted to die and go to heaven. So I have had that. Though it is considered crazy that you would ask God to kill you. Glad he did not. Praise God! Your story reminds me of Jonah. Let me find the verses.

Jonah 4:1-4
But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. He prayed to the Lord, " O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you were a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live." But the Lord replied, "Have you any right to be angry?"

Now while your situation might not have had to do with being angry at God. Jonah experienced those type of thoughts as well. So it is common and even shows up in the Bible. God bless and keep staying strong and courageous in the Lord.