P
I know I'm only 15 and my story hasn't ended, it's actually pretty much just begun, but I'd like to share my story with you so far. Hopefully I can help some people with what I have been through.
From a young age I always new my parents were addicts. My dad to His drinking and drugs, and my mom to her gambling. This caused for my parents to separate when I was still a baby. I had 8 years being distant from my dad, and the times that I did see him, he brought me along to a bar with him and I had to watch him get drunk and get high on marijuana and cocaine. Although my dad did all this stuff, he never once hurt me, he always made sure I was ok.
One of my clearest memories is being at my dads house and walking into his room and finding him on the floor passed out from all the drugs and alcohol, as a 7 year old I shouldn't have been exposed to these things, I shouldn't have had to see this.
In 2006 my parents got back together and my dad started going to AA meetings and I could already see a change in him, although it wasn't a good one. He would fight with me for no reason, tell me I wasn't his child and he hates me.. It just wasn't that same man who would never hurt me no matter what.
One morning in 2009 my dad told my mom and I to start getting ready to go to church, and so we did. After about 2/3 months of my parents constant church going, I realized they started to speak more and more about God and started going to church almost 3 times a week, which I thought was crazy. They had changed, in a good way, although I still had no clue who this God guy was. I just couldn't understand what they would talk about and found it so much effort waking up early for church and everything. So I avoided church, I avoided God and avoided people who spoke about him. I began to believe God was taking my parents away from me. So when something bad happened, I would turn to something else, I would turn to cutting myself, I thought I had no where else to go, my mom and dad would just bring God up, so I just started a new addiction, an addiction of hurting myself.
In 2010 my parents forced me to go on youth camp. I was probably uninterested the whole camp except for the last night where I just broke down and that's where I fully surrendered absolutely everything to God. I held nothing back, I just wanted love, I just wanted Gods love, a love that never ends.
The rest of that year I spent Inlove with God, having the most fulfilling relationship with my parents and church friends, everything was going great, I was saved. Until somethingi had never expected happened, my uncle passed away. One thing I forgot to mention is that while my dad chose his addiction over me, my uncle acted as my father figure, I was broken, I tried to understand, as soon as I heard,I couldn't even cry because I had always learnt to be strong for other people, and I ran to my bible and searched for scriptures and tried to show my mom and help her. I was emotionally broken, do you know what it feels like to lose someone you love so dearly and you're not even allowed to mourn over it?
I was angry at God, how could he take away someone who meant so much to me? It was unreal to think that a loving God would cause to much pain. I had the mindset that he did it because he didn't love me, so in 2011 I ran straight back into cutting myself and distancing myself from church and God.
That whole year was a battle between Loving God and Loving my addiction I had grown so fond of. Close to the end of the year, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and started drinking and doing drugs. I loved it, it was something I used as an excuse, something I used to 'fit in' ( I was known as an outcast most of the time at school and when I go out). It got me into trouble, big trouble..
I once got drunk and ended up sleeping at a 16 year old guys house (I was 14) and he date raped me ( which I only found out recently) . That story is on another thread with the title "Raped".
This all carried on in 2012 until I saw something happen at my school. I go to an all girls school just by the way.
There was a girl sitting by herself whom was younger than I and from a distance I watched as a girl older than I walked over to the girl and sat with her, they didn't even know each other. When I saw that, it brought back memories of when I felt alone and God comforted me, I saw God working through this girl and It made me want to change, so after school I went up to her and made a time and date to sit down and chat to her, she opened my eyes to Gods love once again. She never gave up on me, she even allowed me to sit with her group of Christian friends so I could distance myself from the group with drugs and alcohol.
I had found a place, where I was no longer an outcast.
I still make so many mistakes, but I am sorry for those, and I know God forgives me, I haven't cut myself in 9 months and don't plan on doing it any time soon. Yes I have slipped up and I have gotten drunk a few times but those where silly mistakes that are now forgotten. I don't do drugs anymore and I am now helping lead a youth for people between the ages of 11 to 14 yrs old in a poverty stricken place.
I'm living out my dream of missionary.
Some things I missed out:
My parents are also recently divorced, which I struggle with as the whole thing was blamed on me, but I don't believe it I also thank God for it because my parents are happier, and also, it causes to turn a mess into a message.
A year ago, I attempted to commit suicide. I wasn't supposed to live, honestly, but if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be alive, and so now, I live fully for Him.
I hope this somehow helped someone out there.
Don't give up, God loves you, He won't give up on you, so don't give up on yourself.
From a young age I always new my parents were addicts. My dad to His drinking and drugs, and my mom to her gambling. This caused for my parents to separate when I was still a baby. I had 8 years being distant from my dad, and the times that I did see him, he brought me along to a bar with him and I had to watch him get drunk and get high on marijuana and cocaine. Although my dad did all this stuff, he never once hurt me, he always made sure I was ok.
One of my clearest memories is being at my dads house and walking into his room and finding him on the floor passed out from all the drugs and alcohol, as a 7 year old I shouldn't have been exposed to these things, I shouldn't have had to see this.
In 2006 my parents got back together and my dad started going to AA meetings and I could already see a change in him, although it wasn't a good one. He would fight with me for no reason, tell me I wasn't his child and he hates me.. It just wasn't that same man who would never hurt me no matter what.
One morning in 2009 my dad told my mom and I to start getting ready to go to church, and so we did. After about 2/3 months of my parents constant church going, I realized they started to speak more and more about God and started going to church almost 3 times a week, which I thought was crazy. They had changed, in a good way, although I still had no clue who this God guy was. I just couldn't understand what they would talk about and found it so much effort waking up early for church and everything. So I avoided church, I avoided God and avoided people who spoke about him. I began to believe God was taking my parents away from me. So when something bad happened, I would turn to something else, I would turn to cutting myself, I thought I had no where else to go, my mom and dad would just bring God up, so I just started a new addiction, an addiction of hurting myself.
In 2010 my parents forced me to go on youth camp. I was probably uninterested the whole camp except for the last night where I just broke down and that's where I fully surrendered absolutely everything to God. I held nothing back, I just wanted love, I just wanted Gods love, a love that never ends.
The rest of that year I spent Inlove with God, having the most fulfilling relationship with my parents and church friends, everything was going great, I was saved. Until somethingi had never expected happened, my uncle passed away. One thing I forgot to mention is that while my dad chose his addiction over me, my uncle acted as my father figure, I was broken, I tried to understand, as soon as I heard,I couldn't even cry because I had always learnt to be strong for other people, and I ran to my bible and searched for scriptures and tried to show my mom and help her. I was emotionally broken, do you know what it feels like to lose someone you love so dearly and you're not even allowed to mourn over it?
I was angry at God, how could he take away someone who meant so much to me? It was unreal to think that a loving God would cause to much pain. I had the mindset that he did it because he didn't love me, so in 2011 I ran straight back into cutting myself and distancing myself from church and God.
That whole year was a battle between Loving God and Loving my addiction I had grown so fond of. Close to the end of the year, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and started drinking and doing drugs. I loved it, it was something I used as an excuse, something I used to 'fit in' ( I was known as an outcast most of the time at school and when I go out). It got me into trouble, big trouble..
I once got drunk and ended up sleeping at a 16 year old guys house (I was 14) and he date raped me ( which I only found out recently) . That story is on another thread with the title "Raped".
This all carried on in 2012 until I saw something happen at my school. I go to an all girls school just by the way.
There was a girl sitting by herself whom was younger than I and from a distance I watched as a girl older than I walked over to the girl and sat with her, they didn't even know each other. When I saw that, it brought back memories of when I felt alone and God comforted me, I saw God working through this girl and It made me want to change, so after school I went up to her and made a time and date to sit down and chat to her, she opened my eyes to Gods love once again. She never gave up on me, she even allowed me to sit with her group of Christian friends so I could distance myself from the group with drugs and alcohol.
I had found a place, where I was no longer an outcast.
I still make so many mistakes, but I am sorry for those, and I know God forgives me, I haven't cut myself in 9 months and don't plan on doing it any time soon. Yes I have slipped up and I have gotten drunk a few times but those where silly mistakes that are now forgotten. I don't do drugs anymore and I am now helping lead a youth for people between the ages of 11 to 14 yrs old in a poverty stricken place.
I'm living out my dream of missionary.Some things I missed out:
My parents are also recently divorced, which I struggle with as the whole thing was blamed on me, but I don't believe it
I also thank God for it because my parents are happier, and also, it causes to turn a mess into a message. A year ago, I attempted to commit suicide. I wasn't supposed to live, honestly, but if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be alive, and so now, I live fully for Him.
I hope this somehow helped someone out there.
Don't give up, God loves you, He won't give up on you, so don't give up on yourself.
