One of my very few recognized eternal truths.

Who is it I am fighting for? In any form of fighting, is it not senseless? What am I fighting for? You? What you have? What you represent? Am I fighting for it to have it for myself? If I had it for myself would I be able to change anything? Would I not go mad with the burden of so many? Of so much.. Can people truly put all of that faith in one alone? Even when in physical form we've seen how that does not bring peace. Another piece of the puzzle. When will those who look for a riddle at every corner stop looking at me like I am their own personal riddle? If I were a riddle who better to solve me, but me? If I were the last human being standing on this earth, would I take my own life just to be where ever it is that they all are? Or would I wait and hope that you would show yourself to me and all would be made well? If that happened, what was made well other than I alone? Must I fight so hard for myself in the hope alone that I save even one other person, no matter the cost? Is this what it's like when a child is conceived? Even before conception, all those possible lives being stopped by the birth of one? What struggles would I not face in the Kingdom of God that I do not face here in the Kingdom of man? The choice to bring a child into this world only to chance it's suffering and horrible death. God, if I am not helping you to be happy in the name of your Son, and you are in heaven, than please continue to give me strength until I do. Give me the right job, so that I may make this a safe place for your children. Your children that go around healing, spreading your word, and dying before any harm is brought to a child. Please put an end to any men that presume too much of ourselves when we are not ready, as I do often. I will not beat around the bush. God, give me the strength to die in your will, or live by it. Because if ever I have a child of my own, damned only be me if I do not protect that child. You and I both know that I will die before I physically harm another. But how do I overcome this new form of harm? The harm that comes to my heart, my mind, my "soul". If my soul be unique balance of the two, why does it seem like the more I ignore my heart, the more I lose my mind.. If I alone am the keeper of this balance and there is no soul without a body, who's body am I taking from if I live? Who's body am I keeping myself from if I die? How come these questions sound so scientific when I reflect back on them.. Is it science that I fear? Is that what I am fighting with? True lies, lying truth, where is this third wonderful answer that cuts through it all? I held it once.. not so long ago. But already I have lost it. It comes and goes more frequently. I need you to tell me something now. Not teach it. When I have this. Do I hold it quietly? Or do I whisper/talk/yell/sing about it? All that is clear, is that there is something trying to hide it from me. And something trying to give it back. Who decides who keeps it and who does not? God. If your power be my will, then why have I never asked it of you? Is it the fear that only exists with losing loved ones? God, if I were you, I would not want to be alone. God, proof that you exist is me here now. God, I do not want to take what is not mine by force or in any way harm another. God, if that is what you have done to keep us here then you need some good help. Let me be that good help, or let me be nothing at all. If Jesus isn't already with you, then tell me what I have to do to get him there. If it be live in his name, then why do I want to set out to face these evil intentions without you first telling me yourself that I will be helping you? To impress you? I, one man, seeking all of your attention? Does not things that I have done deserve for me to suffer in hell, and other things I have done deserve to be in heaven? It's my thoughts that find a place in heaven and hell. It's my heart that yearns for only heaven. It's my body that fears harm. For what greater harm could come that could not come to the body? Are these emotions what I must put to rest? Become a cold heartless man that could kill to protect his children? If I said yes to that, then what steps then would follow? Not only killing an intruder in my home, but what will stop me from reasoning the killing of all that influence my children negatively? Must I feel the cold reason of God, and the fiery passion of Christ all at once in order to live forever? If this is so. Then it is a blessing I have not fathered any children of my own. For I have yet to learn that. And I will not bring a child into this world unless I myself know, that they will not have to suffer eternal ends of those two sides for as long as they live. And I will not bring a child into this world, unless I myself know that they will live forever in peace, or die and go to a place of peace. And if that peace is not knowing that any of this happened... There would be hell on earth again. Slaves, world war, lawlessness... And only the strongest would survive... And they would write the histories... And who am I to end up in their books? Would I really want to be one of those still alive? And suffer the burning that may still exist in hell after I do die? My answer God, is yes. If I were to sit with you, and use love and reason, I would tell you that I would need to be a part of the re-builders of the aftermath. Then I could rejoice, knowing that my child is safe, for as long as at least one man knew all of the ways to keep them safe and would do so. I love you Father, and if I cannot outlast this war, just let your strongest children know, I would not bring my own child into a place of war. Not unless I was you, and I knew that I would have the power to see them again, in a better place. Or unless I remained myself, knowing that even if there is nothingness after death, ALL in life for my child would be good.

Wow...
Big thoughts to ponder!
I had to read it twice.
I have only one thought...
Thank you Jesus for Wisdom!

James 1:5 - 6
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Michael....
very open and very powerful.... I see you on your face before tue throne of god with your head on His knee... Hands open and heart open .... Asking questions, pouring out your heart before Him... in raw emotion.... awesome to read!!! awesome to ponder these things along with you in christ.... I go out into the deep like this with god often .... Quiet place,,, time to think and listen to what he has to say.... The noise of the world out and give God first place in.... I will be praying for you....
Michelle

It is thoughts and feelings like these that I struggle most to get to. And so far they are the only thoughts and feelings that I have not come to regret. God bless and thank you for your prayers. I'd like to think that with that and my own prayers I may someday be able to be at least one prayer answered to someone else. Be a good answer to a good prayer.