There are many things in my past that I regret, but I have come to realize that my mistakes and failures and trials have made me the person I am today.
I grew up in a christian household that was far from perfect. My father barely spoke to me, never really took interest in me whatsoever. My mother is controling and I could never do anything right for her, I always feel like I fail her. Our family was always verbally abusive to each other and eventually that took a toll on me and my self esteem. I was homeschooled most of my life and my parents never let me be involved in activities out of the house other than an art class that was eventually taken away during my sophomore year of high school. When I was around the ages of 11 and 12, I started to sink into a severe depression. I struggled and wrestled with it for about 7 years, by myself.
When I was 13, I found out my father would watch pornography on our family's computer late at night. This of course peaked my curiosity and I devloped an addiction to pornography for about a year after I found out about my father. I was finally able to break free of that addiction when I was 14, but I wrestled with my consience during the addiction and afterward. I knew what I did was wrong. I couldn't forgive myself for it and I figured God wouldn't forgive me either. I asked God for forgiveness so many times but I never felt as if he heard me. Still struggling with that guilt, I started cutting, and several months later when I started feeling numb to it, I stopped. Then I tried starving myself, I would go months without really eating anything. I eventually grew numb to that as as well and stopped. I tried to find other ways to do harm to myself (even though I knew it was wrong) but was unsuccessful at finding something that stuck with me. I just hated myself for who I was, and what I looked like. I hated my past and who I had then become. I didn't want to live.
My junior year, things got worse than they had ever been before. Valentines Day, our household errupted into complete and utter chaos. My parents fought all the time. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted them to get a divorce, but they never did. And while all of that was going on my depression worsened. And circumstances being what they were, I attempted suicide multiple times that year.
I prayed tirelessly for years asking God to give me an answer. Desperate for him to reach out and help me pick up the broken pieces of my life, to restore me. To free me from the depression and guilt that crushed me. But I never felt comforted by those prayers, I never got an answer, and would cry myself to sleep night after night after night. But then through the church God brought into my life a few years before, I met a someone who was willing to help me. She was a friend and confidant. She was there with me through the last part of my struggles and helped me find a new and better relationship with my Savior. And in that new relationship with him, God restored my heart and forgave me of all the wrong I had done. I was free of all the sin that had been pulling me down and crushing me for so long. I can't describe the unbelieveable relief I felt. I no longer had to carry those things around with me.
God fills me up like nothing and no one else can. I look back now on my life, and the things I went through and I can see that he was walking through those difficult times with me. He knew my pain, he knew what I felt all those years, he heard my cries for help, he answered my prayers. I was just so wrapped up in myself and my own misery at the time, that I was blind to it. I still struggle with depression every now and then, but I always know that I can call on my Savior and I know that when I do, I will always have the victory over it.
Christ is the reason that I am alive. He put me here for a reason and he has a plan for my life. That goes for all of us. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that fact, but..better late than never, as the saying goes.
I hope that those of you reading this who have struggled or are struggling with depression or addiction find my testimony encouraging. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask others for help. I did and it was one of the best descisions I've ever made. Find someone you trust, a friend, someone in your family or church, and open up to them about your struggles. Having a friend be there to help guide you is a true blessing.
Thank you for taking time to read this, I know it was quite long haha God bless guys! ^.^
I grew up in a christian household that was far from perfect. My father barely spoke to me, never really took interest in me whatsoever. My mother is controling and I could never do anything right for her, I always feel like I fail her. Our family was always verbally abusive to each other and eventually that took a toll on me and my self esteem. I was homeschooled most of my life and my parents never let me be involved in activities out of the house other than an art class that was eventually taken away during my sophomore year of high school. When I was around the ages of 11 and 12, I started to sink into a severe depression. I struggled and wrestled with it for about 7 years, by myself.
When I was 13, I found out my father would watch pornography on our family's computer late at night. This of course peaked my curiosity and I devloped an addiction to pornography for about a year after I found out about my father. I was finally able to break free of that addiction when I was 14, but I wrestled with my consience during the addiction and afterward. I knew what I did was wrong. I couldn't forgive myself for it and I figured God wouldn't forgive me either. I asked God for forgiveness so many times but I never felt as if he heard me. Still struggling with that guilt, I started cutting, and several months later when I started feeling numb to it, I stopped. Then I tried starving myself, I would go months without really eating anything. I eventually grew numb to that as as well and stopped. I tried to find other ways to do harm to myself (even though I knew it was wrong) but was unsuccessful at finding something that stuck with me. I just hated myself for who I was, and what I looked like. I hated my past and who I had then become. I didn't want to live.
My junior year, things got worse than they had ever been before. Valentines Day, our household errupted into complete and utter chaos. My parents fought all the time. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted them to get a divorce, but they never did. And while all of that was going on my depression worsened. And circumstances being what they were, I attempted suicide multiple times that year.
I prayed tirelessly for years asking God to give me an answer. Desperate for him to reach out and help me pick up the broken pieces of my life, to restore me. To free me from the depression and guilt that crushed me. But I never felt comforted by those prayers, I never got an answer, and would cry myself to sleep night after night after night. But then through the church God brought into my life a few years before, I met a someone who was willing to help me. She was a friend and confidant. She was there with me through the last part of my struggles and helped me find a new and better relationship with my Savior. And in that new relationship with him, God restored my heart and forgave me of all the wrong I had done. I was free of all the sin that had been pulling me down and crushing me for so long. I can't describe the unbelieveable relief I felt. I no longer had to carry those things around with me.
God fills me up like nothing and no one else can. I look back now on my life, and the things I went through and I can see that he was walking through those difficult times with me. He knew my pain, he knew what I felt all those years, he heard my cries for help, he answered my prayers. I was just so wrapped up in myself and my own misery at the time, that I was blind to it. I still struggle with depression every now and then, but I always know that I can call on my Savior and I know that when I do, I will always have the victory over it.
Christ is the reason that I am alive. He put me here for a reason and he has a plan for my life. That goes for all of us. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that fact, but..better late than never, as the saying goes.
I hope that those of you reading this who have struggled or are struggling with depression or addiction find my testimony encouraging. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask others for help. I did and it was one of the best descisions I've ever made. Find someone you trust, a friend, someone in your family or church, and open up to them about your struggles. Having a friend be there to help guide you is a true blessing.
Thank you for taking time to read this, I know it was quite long haha God bless guys! ^.^
I'm honored to be a part of your journey and I can't wait to see what else God has in store for you. I know I'm not alone. You're definitely not alone. And maybe hopefully, we can both encourage other people who have been through similar things. Love you!
