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Ways to know God are different for anyone.
We can go through life – praying, helping others, going to mass but still be far away from him. I was like that – honestly believe it that I did lots of good by doing those things. Year 2012 show me how wrong I was – I met a man – I loved then hated during few months period we knew each other. I was angry with God – to give him into my life. I need to add that I’m marry few years – so it was a big nightmare for me to fell in love with someone else and try to hid him away for 8 months. One month before relationship end it – I find out that he was a serious addict to sex and that made ma hate him and myself even more. I was angry with God – how could He give me - someone like him to fell in love. For months I blame myself and felt anger – I even try to explane to myself – why did happen and what I was meant to learn from it. After that one of my girlfriends split up with me – finding me too ‘game player’ on her feelings – if I really was that can only God answer. I was angry as well with two other people – what only added to my growing anger. Slowly I decided withdrawn from people – what is the point – no one likes me and I don’t like anyone – by the look of things. I never still give up on trying to find out why did I met that guy and felt in love with someone so disrespectful and not caring and then I started to hated him so much. It took me long time to put puzzle together – going from blaming myself to blaming him or God. I didn’t want to let it go – I want to know – whatever the truth was.
And I did – what I find out was anything else what I would ever expected. The guy was send it by God to save me and help me to be a better wife. Also he was meant to show me how easily I judge other people and feel better about myself in compere to them. He was very lost (didn’t love anyone, hate any religion, love sex and movies about it, disrespectful to everyone, with one wish for the world to be end it now). I was thinking first that my mission is to help him but I didn’t and after that I find out the God plan was for him to help me. how that happen? He suffered a lot so he show me the new way of seeing things – later I was reading Antonio de Mello (spiritual guide) and discover than lots of things he said – the A de M say in very alike way. How that can be possible for none-believer, who hates everyone. After while I understood that we in a way are all – not any better than him, but he admits that he is lost and we try to pretend that by going to church and praying daily we are ok or even better than most. My world crush down again – but now – I don’t believe anything I say or do or thing – I question everything – believing that the biggest enemy lives in us.
I don’t like feeling of losing control, and never be sure if I really like or dislike someone – if feels like you have hardly any control over anything including yourself. You start to see your programs which you adapted as a child as your enemy and after that you feel like you can’t trust yourself or people – run by the some dangerous programs. It reminds me of John’s Ew about Nicodemus asking ‘how we can be born again’ – the only true spiritual birth can happen if we are ready to face the truth about ourselves – no matter what – and form that go from trusting ourselves to full trust in God.
We can go through life – praying, helping others, going to mass but still be far away from him. I was like that – honestly believe it that I did lots of good by doing those things. Year 2012 show me how wrong I was – I met a man – I loved then hated during few months period we knew each other. I was angry with God – to give him into my life. I need to add that I’m marry few years – so it was a big nightmare for me to fell in love with someone else and try to hid him away for 8 months. One month before relationship end it – I find out that he was a serious addict to sex and that made ma hate him and myself even more. I was angry with God – how could He give me - someone like him to fell in love. For months I blame myself and felt anger – I even try to explane to myself – why did happen and what I was meant to learn from it. After that one of my girlfriends split up with me – finding me too ‘game player’ on her feelings – if I really was that can only God answer. I was angry as well with two other people – what only added to my growing anger. Slowly I decided withdrawn from people – what is the point – no one likes me and I don’t like anyone – by the look of things. I never still give up on trying to find out why did I met that guy and felt in love with someone so disrespectful and not caring and then I started to hated him so much. It took me long time to put puzzle together – going from blaming myself to blaming him or God. I didn’t want to let it go – I want to know – whatever the truth was.
And I did – what I find out was anything else what I would ever expected. The guy was send it by God to save me and help me to be a better wife. Also he was meant to show me how easily I judge other people and feel better about myself in compere to them. He was very lost (didn’t love anyone, hate any religion, love sex and movies about it, disrespectful to everyone, with one wish for the world to be end it now). I was thinking first that my mission is to help him but I didn’t and after that I find out the God plan was for him to help me. how that happen? He suffered a lot so he show me the new way of seeing things – later I was reading Antonio de Mello (spiritual guide) and discover than lots of things he said – the A de M say in very alike way. How that can be possible for none-believer, who hates everyone. After while I understood that we in a way are all – not any better than him, but he admits that he is lost and we try to pretend that by going to church and praying daily we are ok or even better than most. My world crush down again – but now – I don’t believe anything I say or do or thing – I question everything – believing that the biggest enemy lives in us.
I don’t like feeling of losing control, and never be sure if I really like or dislike someone – if feels like you have hardly any control over anything including yourself. You start to see your programs which you adapted as a child as your enemy and after that you feel like you can’t trust yourself or people – run by the some dangerous programs. It reminds me of John’s Ew about Nicodemus asking ‘how we can be born again’ – the only true spiritual birth can happen if we are ready to face the truth about ourselves – no matter what – and form that go from trusting ourselves to full trust in God.