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This is almost a book, so I hope you enjoy reading. It has been a long, but interesting story....
I grew up with a mother who IS a believer and a father who is not. He left us when I was 14. I don't think I have ever gotten over that. When I was about 16, I became very active in my church. I went twice a week and even took a mission trip. I had planned on saving myself for the man I would someday marry. That choice was taken from me and I remember being so angry with God. I didn't understand how he could let this happen to someone like me. I was a good person who tried to live the way he wants us. I was a straight A student who was also involved in many activities, such as marching band. I felt dirty. I felt like no one could love or want me. It has been something that has haunted me for years.
When I was 20 I ended my 2 year relationship with my best friend. It was one of the hardest things I have done. We had been friends since we were 5. He was the first person I was with willingly. I guess I figured it didn't matter since I felt already used. Soon after I started dating a guy I'll call CJ. Everything was great at first. Despite my mother's wishes I moved in with him. For about a month everything was going pretty good until I made him mad over something. (I can't even rememeber what it was.) I think he was mad about what I made for dinner. He shoved me into the counter and I fell onto the ground. I remember looking at him SHOCKED. I couldn't believe it. He immediately helped me up and held me begging me to forgive him. "I didn't mean to. I am sorry." He had told me how he grew up with an abusive dad before, and I kept telling myself he really did feel bad about it. What they say is true. It starts as a shove and quickly escalates. Towards the end of our relationship he would close fist punch me, along with kicking me in the ribs. He forced himself on me countless times. I felt like I had no where to go. He had made me distance myself from my family and friends. When I found out I was late, I contemplated killing myself. I am not sure why I didn't, but now I am glad. I felt like everyone had abandoned me, even God. I ignored my body and assumed it was stress. When I was about 2 1/2 months late, he came in and was mad that I had made hamburger helper. I remember him throwing the pan... food and all against the wall. He then told me to clean it up, calling me fat and a lot of other names I don't feel comfortable posting. I can't remember if I said anything. I don't think I did. Maybe I looked at him wrong, but he took a spatula from the kitchen and started beating me with it. I don't remember time very well, since it was all one big blur. I was thrown into the counter and felt the worst cramps ever. I remember starting and it being the worst cycle I had ever had. In my heart I think I was pregnant. That was one of the hardest things to go through by myself. I felt like a bad person because I didn't want it. I only told my mother this year.....
I remember one occasion when I was at his parents house and he started hitting me. This time I figured, I am not ALONE. I screamed as loud as I could and his dad stormed in. Instead of asking if I was ok, he screamed. "I HAVE NEIGHBORS. KEEP IT DOWN. Make her shut up!" I
decided it was in my best intrest to say I am sorry and hope he would stop. I found myself appologizing for everything (something I still do sometimes), even when I wasn't sure why.
The breaking point came when I met him at his parents house. He drove seperately because he had just gotten off work. I asked him for head ache medicine and he laughed and said no. I remember it being so bad I was literally nauseous. I can't remember everything that followed, but I remember him kicking my bumper in on my car when I said something about leaving, because I was not feeling well. I felt anger shoot through me as I ran towards his car. He pushed me on the ground and started kicking me. I thought to myself. This is it. This is going to be my life. I need to just let him kill me already, or I have to do something. He turned his back to me and started rubbing his head. He was talking but I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or himself. I got up and with the energy I had left made a break for my car. I opened the door and put the keys in the ignition. He opened my door and I remember throwing it in reverse as hard as I could. I drove as fast as I could and quickly decided to take the back way out of his neighborhood. I figured he would take the main. I called a friend and drove to his house. His mom called the police. He ended up going to jail for the night. You may think this is when I left, but like a DUMB DUMB I went back to him. I even stood behind him in court. I thought I was going to get the beating of my life, but I didn't. Nothing happened for a few weeks and I delieriously thought maybe the nightmare was over. I quickly realized this was not the case. He came home one night drunk and high. He had been to his 'grandma's' house and accused me of cheating on him. I saw the craziness in his eyes and assured him I wanted to be with him forever. In the back of my mind, I had other plans. This was it. This HAD to be it. One day, when he was at work my friend came over and we packed all my stuff. I never looked back. The last thing he said to me was, "I will be with you again.. not now. But in 2, 5.... 10 years. I will be." Keep dreaming...
I dated the next boyfriend for nearly 5 years. He put me down verbally, but he never laid a hand on me. I guess I justified it. Towards the end I started to realize he was very controlling, just in other ways. He started keeping my debit card and not letting me leave rooms. I guess I was so beat down from the last boyfriend that this one didnt' seem so bad. The last argument we had he did shove me and it literally made me just end things. I had been there, and refused to go through it again. I had mentioned going back to college and even church before that and he would always laugh it off. "No kid of mine is going to know about GOD," he would yell.
I ended things and went to church with my friend. I felt lost. I had always felt like a misfit. My mother was adopted and all of the biological kids and grandkids were given different expectations and values. I started dating a guy that seemed pretty amazing. The red flags started popping up. He kept pushing sex on me, something I was not interested in partaking. He tried to make me touch him and that was the last time I talked to him. Come to find out, he was married. UGH....
I dated other people here and there, but was focusing on friends, family, and me. I was not interested in a relationship. I was not one of those girls that thought all men were jerks or anything. I just started to feel like love was definately not in my cards.
Then, I met a guy that changed my views on love and dating altogether. I thought he was cute and was immediately attracted to him. We had been friends for months, chatting every night about anything and everything. When he told me he liked me, I was upfront. I had been dating here and there and was not interested in a relationship. I was still trying to find me. After a while I decided I would meet him (he was an online friend). It was amazing. It was one of those where you feel like you have hung out a million times before. I had never laughed so hard in my life. Some time later, he took me to the dam and told me how much he liked me. It was also the place we went on our first date. "Will you be my girlfriend?" I instantly said yes. "Good, because I am so falling in love with you," he whispered in my ear. It was literally something every girl dreams of.
I never thought I would be sitting here, without him in my life. I never saw it coming. I thought everything was great. I had never had someone treat me with such kindness and compassion. We had even been talking about marriage and themes for it on the Saturday before he ended it all. I moved into his place with his 2 roommates (1 being his best friend and her fiance). I knew they weren't Christians and I had had a following out with God months before (after years of struggling with it). Looking back, I know moving in with them was a horrible idea, but I was so caught up in finally finding someone who looked at me the way I looked at him. He was everything I had always wanted.. nerdy, compassionate, hilarious, and eyes that could move the world... to only name a few. Well, at least that is what I thought.
I thought it was strange how he referred to his roommates as his soul sister and her fiance as a brother, but I just thought they were super close. They were very welcoming and had also been outcasts of a sort. I felt like I had perhaps found the place I had always wanted. Well..........Come to find out this group is also a convenant and they had just picked their 4th person... me. My boyfriend was not really involved in the activities so I tried to convince myself that this wasn't happening. It was like something out of a movie! I had never had someone who catered to me like he did, and I was not willing to just let it go.
We never even had an argument. I thought he was my soul mate. I remember making the comment a few days before how I didn't think we could do this arrangement forever. (2 couples in one house.) I wanted children, after all. His friend brought up an idea about purchasing a duplex so the 'family' could stay together. I wasn't crazy about the idea, but I knew how much family meant to him and was willing to compromise. As you can probably imagine, two females living under one roof can lead to a lot of head butting and we had our fair share, I assure you. The day before he ended it, I had a disagreement with his friend and she packed her things to stay at her friends house. (Her fiance was out of town for work). Little did I know my entire world was about to be ripped up and thrown about.
The spat was literally over the groceries. She felt that I spent more than she, which is true. I did spend a little more, but got a lot more for my money. It made our food last longer. I tried to talk to her but she then threw up how I was tearing the family apart. I looked at my boyfriend and said, "I can't do this forever." He went to work, came home and told me I needed to just appologize... that she would never let it go until I did. She is the kind of person that if you confront in anyway, she will go off. I told him that she needs to talk to me like an adult, and that running away only made it worse. He told me he loved me and that everything would be ok, he promised. We woke up and he asked me again to just appologize. We were on our way to the mattress store, because I had just gotten my tax refund check. I told him i would NEVER make him get rid of his 'family'. I was quite fond of them and I don't think it is right to make someone push those they care about out of their lives. I saw the look on his face and asked, "Would you get rid of me if your friend wanted you to?" He said nothing and I felt nauseous. I asked again and was answered in silence. "Can we get past this?" he asked. I told him I didn't know. "What if I said that to you," I asked. He responded with, "It would hurt like hell." Yes, it sure does.......
We had about 2 hours to wait for the mattress to be delivered, so we decided to stop at Jack in the Box. He broke down in the parking lot and said he wishes I would just appologize and everyone would be ok again. I said it could be, that this was blown WAY out of proportion. She was blowing his phone up and when we got home he said he needed to call her. We tried to eat, yet his phone was still blowing up. "Ill be back in a few minutes," he assured me. I had no phone at the time and waited nearly 2 1/2 hours. During that time, I had facebooked my mother and had her text him to see if he was ok and if he was coming back.
When he arrived back, he had his best friend and her other friend. I asked why it took him so long, if everything was ok. I could tell by the look in his eyes that his entire attitude had changed. "We need to talk." Those are the words I dreaded to hear. He told me he had been miserable for nearly half of our relationship... that he wasn't happy and that this is not how 'love' is supposed to be. I felt completely side swiped. I never saw it coming. We had even discussed marriage 3 days before. He had told me every day and even that morning he loved me... yet when I asked him then if he did, he could only respond with, "I care a great deal about you, but i can't say I love you." It felt like a million daggers in my heart. I felt the emotions all flood me at once... disbelief.. anger... panic... I wanted so bad to fix whatever this was and I didn't know how. I felt BETRAYED. I had never been in love before this. His friends and him got in the car and left. I called my mother and she said she would come and get me. He had talked me into giving everything up.. my job... my home.. I had distanced myself from family and friends and now I felt like what was left of my world was crashing down. I didn't sleep at all that night and spent the whole next day crying. I don't think I ever even stopped. I felt my body convulsing even though I had run out of tears long before. I had never gotten physically sick over someone, but I did again and again until nothing was left. I felt like if anyone could die from heartbreak, I would. I didn't see how I was going to make it. Over the span of 2 days I had only part of a bottle of water and that was because I was fighting dehydration and mom was threatening taking me to the hospital for an IV. I messaged him on facebook trying to get him to just talk to me. I wanted answers. I felt like i needed it, even if he didn't want me. I wanted to know WHY so I could get some closure.
Everything reminded me of him. Commercials of IHOP played constantly, reminding me of our 2nd date. The clock reminded me of his heart beat as my head layed on his chest during 'The Big Bang Theory'. At night when I finally fell to sleep from exhaustion, he would be there in my dreams. I remember laying there and thinking, I am going to be in my 30s in a few years... I have no job, no car, no one to really talk to...no HOME. I have nothing. That is when I prayed for the first time in a long time. I wouldn't say I was suicidal by no means, I just felt like I had no GO anymore...I immediately felt a peacefullness I had not had in a long time. I didn't understand how my boyfriend could leave me when I needed him the most. (I had been having health issues.) "I can't do this anymore. I can't take this, " he had told me. I didn't understand and still don't understand completely. He blocked me from Facebook. I had begged him to take me to a doctor, that he had promised he would always be my tape... my glue. He had told me how whenever I wasn't strong enough, he would be strong enough for us both. I was broken hearted, and only when I prayed did I realize I had not been alone at all. God has been my tape.. my glue. He has helped me get through all the bad things in my life. I don't think I would be sitting here right now if I had not felt his comfort.
Now, there are a few days here and there that I don't think of him at all, but I think of him a lot. I still love him a great deal, even though he won't even talk to me. I know in my heart that even if he begged me to forgive him, that I would, but I could never go back. I saw this picture that said, "I wish I could hurt you, like you hurt me. Even if I could, I wouldn't..." This is so true. I have been asked out a couple of times and every time have turned them down. My life now is focused around family, friends, me, and GOD. I won't date a non believer again. I honestly believe this last boyfriend was put into my path to show me that there are good men out there. I won't settle again. I know now that everything I went through has made me a stronger, more devoted person and Christian. My ex's roommate stole some of my stuff during the move and he ripped my heart out, but I still pray for them almost daily.
I am a long way from what I want to be, but I am on my way. Starting over was pretty hard, but I did it. The first day seemed impossible. They say to take it day by day, but I think I took it moment by moment. I had no home, job, or anything. I bounced around from house to house, staying where I could and helping people out with whatever so I could eat. I don't know what I would do without my mother during this time. I would have been hopeless without God.
I have another appointment coming up to deal with some of the stuff I have been through. After being told daily what a piece of garbage you are, it takes a lot of work to reverse it. I am still nervous about talking about stuff, but I don't feel alone. My ex promised to take me to talk to someone, but never did. I am still going, for ME. I thought I lost all my friends and family, but after I prayed to God, they seemed to come out of the wood work. God is good! I am very thankful for all of this because it showed me how strong I am and who is really there for me. I have never been this happy! Maybe that is why I am not very materialistic. When you don't have a lot, you are thankful for what you DO have. Thank you God!
I grew up with a mother who IS a believer and a father who is not. He left us when I was 14. I don't think I have ever gotten over that. When I was about 16, I became very active in my church. I went twice a week and even took a mission trip. I had planned on saving myself for the man I would someday marry. That choice was taken from me and I remember being so angry with God. I didn't understand how he could let this happen to someone like me. I was a good person who tried to live the way he wants us. I was a straight A student who was also involved in many activities, such as marching band. I felt dirty. I felt like no one could love or want me. It has been something that has haunted me for years.
When I was 20 I ended my 2 year relationship with my best friend. It was one of the hardest things I have done. We had been friends since we were 5. He was the first person I was with willingly. I guess I figured it didn't matter since I felt already used. Soon after I started dating a guy I'll call CJ. Everything was great at first. Despite my mother's wishes I moved in with him. For about a month everything was going pretty good until I made him mad over something. (I can't even rememeber what it was.) I think he was mad about what I made for dinner. He shoved me into the counter and I fell onto the ground. I remember looking at him SHOCKED. I couldn't believe it. He immediately helped me up and held me begging me to forgive him. "I didn't mean to. I am sorry." He had told me how he grew up with an abusive dad before, and I kept telling myself he really did feel bad about it. What they say is true. It starts as a shove and quickly escalates. Towards the end of our relationship he would close fist punch me, along with kicking me in the ribs. He forced himself on me countless times. I felt like I had no where to go. He had made me distance myself from my family and friends. When I found out I was late, I contemplated killing myself. I am not sure why I didn't, but now I am glad. I felt like everyone had abandoned me, even God. I ignored my body and assumed it was stress. When I was about 2 1/2 months late, he came in and was mad that I had made hamburger helper. I remember him throwing the pan... food and all against the wall. He then told me to clean it up, calling me fat and a lot of other names I don't feel comfortable posting. I can't remember if I said anything. I don't think I did. Maybe I looked at him wrong, but he took a spatula from the kitchen and started beating me with it. I don't remember time very well, since it was all one big blur. I was thrown into the counter and felt the worst cramps ever. I remember starting and it being the worst cycle I had ever had. In my heart I think I was pregnant. That was one of the hardest things to go through by myself. I felt like a bad person because I didn't want it. I only told my mother this year.....
I remember one occasion when I was at his parents house and he started hitting me. This time I figured, I am not ALONE. I screamed as loud as I could and his dad stormed in. Instead of asking if I was ok, he screamed. "I HAVE NEIGHBORS. KEEP IT DOWN. Make her shut up!" I
decided it was in my best intrest to say I am sorry and hope he would stop. I found myself appologizing for everything (something I still do sometimes), even when I wasn't sure why.
The breaking point came when I met him at his parents house. He drove seperately because he had just gotten off work. I asked him for head ache medicine and he laughed and said no. I remember it being so bad I was literally nauseous. I can't remember everything that followed, but I remember him kicking my bumper in on my car when I said something about leaving, because I was not feeling well. I felt anger shoot through me as I ran towards his car. He pushed me on the ground and started kicking me. I thought to myself. This is it. This is going to be my life. I need to just let him kill me already, or I have to do something. He turned his back to me and started rubbing his head. He was talking but I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or himself. I got up and with the energy I had left made a break for my car. I opened the door and put the keys in the ignition. He opened my door and I remember throwing it in reverse as hard as I could. I drove as fast as I could and quickly decided to take the back way out of his neighborhood. I figured he would take the main. I called a friend and drove to his house. His mom called the police. He ended up going to jail for the night. You may think this is when I left, but like a DUMB DUMB I went back to him. I even stood behind him in court. I thought I was going to get the beating of my life, but I didn't. Nothing happened for a few weeks and I delieriously thought maybe the nightmare was over. I quickly realized this was not the case. He came home one night drunk and high. He had been to his 'grandma's' house and accused me of cheating on him. I saw the craziness in his eyes and assured him I wanted to be with him forever. In the back of my mind, I had other plans. This was it. This HAD to be it. One day, when he was at work my friend came over and we packed all my stuff. I never looked back. The last thing he said to me was, "I will be with you again.. not now. But in 2, 5.... 10 years. I will be." Keep dreaming...
I dated the next boyfriend for nearly 5 years. He put me down verbally, but he never laid a hand on me. I guess I justified it. Towards the end I started to realize he was very controlling, just in other ways. He started keeping my debit card and not letting me leave rooms. I guess I was so beat down from the last boyfriend that this one didnt' seem so bad. The last argument we had he did shove me and it literally made me just end things. I had been there, and refused to go through it again. I had mentioned going back to college and even church before that and he would always laugh it off. "No kid of mine is going to know about GOD," he would yell.
I ended things and went to church with my friend. I felt lost. I had always felt like a misfit. My mother was adopted and all of the biological kids and grandkids were given different expectations and values. I started dating a guy that seemed pretty amazing. The red flags started popping up. He kept pushing sex on me, something I was not interested in partaking. He tried to make me touch him and that was the last time I talked to him. Come to find out, he was married. UGH....
I dated other people here and there, but was focusing on friends, family, and me. I was not interested in a relationship. I was not one of those girls that thought all men were jerks or anything. I just started to feel like love was definately not in my cards.
Then, I met a guy that changed my views on love and dating altogether. I thought he was cute and was immediately attracted to him. We had been friends for months, chatting every night about anything and everything. When he told me he liked me, I was upfront. I had been dating here and there and was not interested in a relationship. I was still trying to find me. After a while I decided I would meet him (he was an online friend). It was amazing. It was one of those where you feel like you have hung out a million times before. I had never laughed so hard in my life. Some time later, he took me to the dam and told me how much he liked me. It was also the place we went on our first date. "Will you be my girlfriend?" I instantly said yes. "Good, because I am so falling in love with you," he whispered in my ear. It was literally something every girl dreams of.
I never thought I would be sitting here, without him in my life. I never saw it coming. I thought everything was great. I had never had someone treat me with such kindness and compassion. We had even been talking about marriage and themes for it on the Saturday before he ended it all. I moved into his place with his 2 roommates (1 being his best friend and her fiance). I knew they weren't Christians and I had had a following out with God months before (after years of struggling with it). Looking back, I know moving in with them was a horrible idea, but I was so caught up in finally finding someone who looked at me the way I looked at him. He was everything I had always wanted.. nerdy, compassionate, hilarious, and eyes that could move the world... to only name a few. Well, at least that is what I thought.
I thought it was strange how he referred to his roommates as his soul sister and her fiance as a brother, but I just thought they were super close. They were very welcoming and had also been outcasts of a sort. I felt like I had perhaps found the place I had always wanted. Well..........Come to find out this group is also a convenant and they had just picked their 4th person... me. My boyfriend was not really involved in the activities so I tried to convince myself that this wasn't happening. It was like something out of a movie! I had never had someone who catered to me like he did, and I was not willing to just let it go.
We never even had an argument. I thought he was my soul mate. I remember making the comment a few days before how I didn't think we could do this arrangement forever. (2 couples in one house.) I wanted children, after all. His friend brought up an idea about purchasing a duplex so the 'family' could stay together. I wasn't crazy about the idea, but I knew how much family meant to him and was willing to compromise. As you can probably imagine, two females living under one roof can lead to a lot of head butting and we had our fair share, I assure you. The day before he ended it, I had a disagreement with his friend and she packed her things to stay at her friends house. (Her fiance was out of town for work). Little did I know my entire world was about to be ripped up and thrown about.
The spat was literally over the groceries. She felt that I spent more than she, which is true. I did spend a little more, but got a lot more for my money. It made our food last longer. I tried to talk to her but she then threw up how I was tearing the family apart. I looked at my boyfriend and said, "I can't do this forever." He went to work, came home and told me I needed to just appologize... that she would never let it go until I did. She is the kind of person that if you confront in anyway, she will go off. I told him that she needs to talk to me like an adult, and that running away only made it worse. He told me he loved me and that everything would be ok, he promised. We woke up and he asked me again to just appologize. We were on our way to the mattress store, because I had just gotten my tax refund check. I told him i would NEVER make him get rid of his 'family'. I was quite fond of them and I don't think it is right to make someone push those they care about out of their lives. I saw the look on his face and asked, "Would you get rid of me if your friend wanted you to?" He said nothing and I felt nauseous. I asked again and was answered in silence. "Can we get past this?" he asked. I told him I didn't know. "What if I said that to you," I asked. He responded with, "It would hurt like hell." Yes, it sure does.......
We had about 2 hours to wait for the mattress to be delivered, so we decided to stop at Jack in the Box. He broke down in the parking lot and said he wishes I would just appologize and everyone would be ok again. I said it could be, that this was blown WAY out of proportion. She was blowing his phone up and when we got home he said he needed to call her. We tried to eat, yet his phone was still blowing up. "Ill be back in a few minutes," he assured me. I had no phone at the time and waited nearly 2 1/2 hours. During that time, I had facebooked my mother and had her text him to see if he was ok and if he was coming back.
When he arrived back, he had his best friend and her other friend. I asked why it took him so long, if everything was ok. I could tell by the look in his eyes that his entire attitude had changed. "We need to talk." Those are the words I dreaded to hear. He told me he had been miserable for nearly half of our relationship... that he wasn't happy and that this is not how 'love' is supposed to be. I felt completely side swiped. I never saw it coming. We had even discussed marriage 3 days before. He had told me every day and even that morning he loved me... yet when I asked him then if he did, he could only respond with, "I care a great deal about you, but i can't say I love you." It felt like a million daggers in my heart. I felt the emotions all flood me at once... disbelief.. anger... panic... I wanted so bad to fix whatever this was and I didn't know how. I felt BETRAYED. I had never been in love before this. His friends and him got in the car and left. I called my mother and she said she would come and get me. He had talked me into giving everything up.. my job... my home.. I had distanced myself from family and friends and now I felt like what was left of my world was crashing down. I didn't sleep at all that night and spent the whole next day crying. I don't think I ever even stopped. I felt my body convulsing even though I had run out of tears long before. I had never gotten physically sick over someone, but I did again and again until nothing was left. I felt like if anyone could die from heartbreak, I would. I didn't see how I was going to make it. Over the span of 2 days I had only part of a bottle of water and that was because I was fighting dehydration and mom was threatening taking me to the hospital for an IV. I messaged him on facebook trying to get him to just talk to me. I wanted answers. I felt like i needed it, even if he didn't want me. I wanted to know WHY so I could get some closure.
Everything reminded me of him. Commercials of IHOP played constantly, reminding me of our 2nd date. The clock reminded me of his heart beat as my head layed on his chest during 'The Big Bang Theory'. At night when I finally fell to sleep from exhaustion, he would be there in my dreams. I remember laying there and thinking, I am going to be in my 30s in a few years... I have no job, no car, no one to really talk to...no HOME. I have nothing. That is when I prayed for the first time in a long time. I wouldn't say I was suicidal by no means, I just felt like I had no GO anymore...I immediately felt a peacefullness I had not had in a long time. I didn't understand how my boyfriend could leave me when I needed him the most. (I had been having health issues.) "I can't do this anymore. I can't take this, " he had told me. I didn't understand and still don't understand completely. He blocked me from Facebook. I had begged him to take me to a doctor, that he had promised he would always be my tape... my glue. He had told me how whenever I wasn't strong enough, he would be strong enough for us both. I was broken hearted, and only when I prayed did I realize I had not been alone at all. God has been my tape.. my glue. He has helped me get through all the bad things in my life. I don't think I would be sitting here right now if I had not felt his comfort.
Now, there are a few days here and there that I don't think of him at all, but I think of him a lot. I still love him a great deal, even though he won't even talk to me. I know in my heart that even if he begged me to forgive him, that I would, but I could never go back. I saw this picture that said, "I wish I could hurt you, like you hurt me. Even if I could, I wouldn't..." This is so true. I have been asked out a couple of times and every time have turned them down. My life now is focused around family, friends, me, and GOD. I won't date a non believer again. I honestly believe this last boyfriend was put into my path to show me that there are good men out there. I won't settle again. I know now that everything I went through has made me a stronger, more devoted person and Christian. My ex's roommate stole some of my stuff during the move and he ripped my heart out, but I still pray for them almost daily.
I am a long way from what I want to be, but I am on my way. Starting over was pretty hard, but I did it. The first day seemed impossible. They say to take it day by day, but I think I took it moment by moment. I had no home, job, or anything. I bounced around from house to house, staying where I could and helping people out with whatever so I could eat. I don't know what I would do without my mother during this time. I would have been hopeless without God.
I have another appointment coming up to deal with some of the stuff I have been through. After being told daily what a piece of garbage you are, it takes a lot of work to reverse it. I am still nervous about talking about stuff, but I don't feel alone. My ex promised to take me to talk to someone, but never did. I am still going, for ME. I thought I lost all my friends and family, but after I prayed to God, they seemed to come out of the wood work. God is good! I am very thankful for all of this because it showed me how strong I am and who is really there for me. I have never been this happy! Maybe that is why I am not very materialistic. When you don't have a lot, you are thankful for what you DO have. Thank you God!