J
Many of you probably recall that I was asked to do worship for a retreat this weekend. While I was very excited, much to my dismay, I felt The Lord call me to take time off of leading worship. I was very sad yet anxious and hopeful to be going on the retreat as a background person. Instead of being at the forefront of everything which I have been fairly non-stop for almost 10 years, I became the A/V person. My formers sisters-in-law did worship and I flipped through poorly organized slides. This weekend has been one of the most formational of my life. Many things arose. God brought to the surfaces many issues in a gracious way, but He also gave me hope that I rarely have.
As I sat back during worship practice I saw pride rising up in me. I knew I could do a better job than they were doing. I'm an anointed worship leader, but I also have confidence and administerial skills that they didn't know how to exercise. I knew my pride was wrong and I held my tongue because I really wanted to remark about their immaturity. But I knew God had called me to a place of humility. So I sat back and prayed. Each set got a llittle it better. Little things started coming together and I knew that regardless of loose ends, the anointing ad presence of the HS was all that mattered.
The first speaker spoke the inner child, sinful vows we make, and the process of God sanctifying us. I pondered a while over the idea of inner vows we make. I've always been one to say "Don't worry about me. I'll take care of myself." Because of that vow, I never learned how to ask for help because I was afraid of burdening anyone. Connected to this is the vow of self-hatred. "I'll do everyone a favor and go away." And if you know my story, I used to live my life by "Since this is inevitable, I'll just make it happen." I know there are probably more that I've made, and to be honest, the first is the only one I spontaneously understood. The others I discovered doing research, but reading them makes much of my childhood come together.
The second speaker was someone I know well. She is a very nurturing woman who refers to me as her daughter of the heart. She spoke very intellectually about the inner child, the effect of trauma in stunting growth due to certain events, and how she is learning to take back control over her little self. There were several phrases she used which stuck out to me. 1) we need to mother ourselves. I've always know this, but recently realized that in moments where I find the need to mother myself, I feel a deep resentment toward my own mother for her broken parenting. Thus I need to separate the two and release my mother. Intellectually I know my mother was ill-equipped but did her best, but emotionally my inner child is kicking and screaming at the injustice. So the key is to find Jesus in all that trauma. The fact is, I somehow stayed in church and leaned about Jesus even though my mom stopped going and rejected God. God was always drawing me to him. He kept me in a safe place. He kept me in relationship with people who could show me Jesus and love me right. No matter what happened or who came with me, I always went to church. I guess that's pretty remarkable. 2). If you would stop a child, why would you not stop yourself. Hmmm... As adults I think many of us develop a sense of arrogance that we are beyond accountability. We are grander than the law or morality. If your child stole a lollipop, you'd take them back to the store to rturn it and apologize. However, if you wanted to steal that same lollipop as an adult, you rationalize it. After all its just a
lollipop. No one will know. You'll pay next time. It's kind of sickening. We would place all kinds of boundaries to protect our children. Why would we not protect ourselves the same way? For most of us the answer is probably pride. So we must lay it down. We must choose righteousness. 3). Do you control your inner child/old self or does he/she control you? It's profound if you think about it. I went on this retreat feeling powerless and defeated, but I have to realize that I have control over what controls me. If something else, a broken part of me, or another person entirely is controlling how I feel and what I do, I am causing my own powerlessness. I have defeated myself. This I have to chose to not allow others control over me. I control myself. 4). You can never make the same mistake twice. The second time it becomes a choice. Yikes! This one is convicting. It's naked honesty causes pain to my soul. I guess the key, though, is to learn from your mistake and become conscious of where you are, and what you are doing and thinking at all times. 5). Don't let others make you powerless again. This was actually not a point he speaker made, but one God spoke to me. People are bound to baby me. I'm a sensitive person and people know that about me. But I cannot allow it to water that weed of powerlessness in me. I cannot allow it to cause me to think I have no control again. I cannot allow it to make mush if my mind so much so that I can't sift through it all. God is greater and He has made me powerful. 6). Start where you are. Use what you have. Sometimes I look at my life and just get overwhelmed. It seems so all-consuming that I can't fathom what to attack first, and I often sit back rather passively never knowing quite where to start a fearing that I really can't even begin to unravel the mess. 7). One of the inserts in our retreat folder was a small piece of paper with our name meanings and verses that were prayerfully selected for each retreat goer. A long time ago The Lord spoke to me, "I named you." This is something he reminds me often. I have always had problems with my name. My parents continued to fight about it until I was an adult. My da regard to call me by my real name because he wanted to call me something else, and I guess in some small sense I really felt I was just a source of argument and pain for my parents. But one day God told me he named me, and it forever reframed how I saw my name. I began to feel that God named with a purpose. My really name means down-flowing. To some it may seem rather unprofound, but to me it meant He was my source and not my parents. They really had no ownership over me. I belonged to Him and Him alone and everything about me flowed from Him and not my very damaged parents. However, I never knew there were other meanings to my name. Over a period of several years I received 3 different prophetic words from complete strangers who did not know each other. The magnificent part of it all was these 3 words were word for word identical. All three people said, "You are a tenacious mountain climber." In addition I've been struggling with how I can ever make good choices because I don't trust myself. On my name card I read: "Jordi. Land Worker. Industrious. Descender. Down-flowing. Courageous in judgement. One who walks with God." Courageous in judgement was a powerful exhortation to me thy I can make choices courageously, that I can form and defend my own opinion, and I have the wisdom to assess situationsin te far of fear. As I looked up industrious (I like words
I found it is a synonym for tenacious. So I guess this would be the 4th time I've gotten this word. I read the first verse and felt some significance, but again felt powerless to achieve it. Then during the afternoon the ministry leader spoke the very scripture which out of 40 other people just happened to be on my card. It was the parable of the sower. "But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble an good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by perservering obtain a crop." I struggled with that scripture. I know I have a noble and good heart, but I screw up in big ways more often than I succeed. Because my mind is constantly overwhelmed with 10 millions thoughts, fears, emotions, and other disheveled ideas, I don't feel particularly capable of retaining information, direction, wisdom, or promise. I also don't feel that I'm all that great of a perserverer. Perhaps it's more self-defeat, but I feel I screw up way too muh to be considered a perserverer. But I think that God may have a different view point than I do. When I looked up tenacious I found retention, persistence, and perservering were synonyms. Hmmm... In addition, one reason I know I have a noble and good heart is also due to my name meaning. One of my middle names means nobility.
8) Stay connected to the source. Google is not te source. This is something God has been working in me for several weeks. I go from one extreme to another. I can be illogically emotional or overwhelmingly analytical. I like to find the 3 perfect steps to resolve everything, and technology is great for that, but it is not God. God is nt a 12 Step program. He is not a grader, a box checker, or a logical critic. He is a compassionate relater, and change comes from relationship not a nifty list of dI'd an don't's. 9). Choose life. In every choice there is a choice for life a choice for death. Choosing life could initially hurt more than choosing death, but death will only lead to destruction and life will lead to love and joy and peace. There is never a choice for almost life, half-life, or stagnant life. If you don't goose life, by default you choose death. 10). Take thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. I've done some pretty stupid things to poison my mind, and if I keep allowing myself to think that way it will continue to get worse and worse. But even though its more painful to take these thoughts captive at their birth, it will lead to peace and righteous living. 11). Last point I promise. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does this. Maybe I am, or maybe my confession will allow someone else to realize their faults also. That's my hope. I find myself very proud when I feel like I get something. And like a child I start planning how to make someone proud of what Ive learned or convince them that they no longer need to be concerned about me. But the consequence of that choice is I don't fully learn because my focus is taken from what God wants to weave into me and becomes obsessed over how I can prove myself to someone I admire. I have to make a conscious choice to be present in what God is doing and chose to hold onto only His opinion of me. But also to realize that if God is truly doing a work in me honesty is never achieved by me perfecting some speech I can give to prove myself. It's archived by me clinging to God and His power in me to affect a change that other will naturally notice.
I came home from this retreat making a conscious choice to continue to dwell on what God is doing. I'm a worker. In my flesh I'd rather not be missing my softball game. I'd rather be spending time with the people I love. I'd rater be spending my time in productivity which wouldn't only leave me bare again. So I chose to come back home, veg, and talk to God. I chose to exercise something I learned on the retreat: the prayer of examine. In the process I realized how despite incredible pain and humility, this weekend was all a part of God's plan in my life. And like that dream I had several weeks ago, this is a new beginning for me. I mulled over my emotions during the weekend. There were pounds and pounds of anxiety over being humiliated or saying the wrong thing. There was frustration and pride because things weren't being done my way. There was powerlessness and defeat when I looked upon just how much I have to deal with. There was also judgement. Sort of out of the blue I found myself completely frustrated and almost angry at a woman sitting next to me. I'm a pretty compassionate person so it really struck me when I realized that this woman was driving me crazy. I knew that I was probably frustrated with her because if a judgement I've placed on myself. This woman is disabled and simple-minded and in my judgement I saw that she was always in the way, always had to be taken care of, always babies, and people perceive her as pretty incapable though thy still allow her to do things which in my judgement I would deem ridiculously inappropriate. But I realized that I was only frustrated with her because I feel like others see me the same way. Many of them don't feel this way about either of us at all, but only have compassion. However since I'd allowed myself to be my own judge, I deemed myself a ridiculous burden that should be pushed aside because I only get I the way... But due to other compassion I was now a burden. As I realized this I was pretty horrified with myself, an I made a conscious choice to low this person. One small action after another I chose to love her and it was just a few minutes before I felt true compassion for this person. A small victory over that inner vow, I guess.
As I sat back during worship practice I saw pride rising up in me. I knew I could do a better job than they were doing. I'm an anointed worship leader, but I also have confidence and administerial skills that they didn't know how to exercise. I knew my pride was wrong and I held my tongue because I really wanted to remark about their immaturity. But I knew God had called me to a place of humility. So I sat back and prayed. Each set got a llittle it better. Little things started coming together and I knew that regardless of loose ends, the anointing ad presence of the HS was all that mattered.
The first speaker spoke the inner child, sinful vows we make, and the process of God sanctifying us. I pondered a while over the idea of inner vows we make. I've always been one to say "Don't worry about me. I'll take care of myself." Because of that vow, I never learned how to ask for help because I was afraid of burdening anyone. Connected to this is the vow of self-hatred. "I'll do everyone a favor and go away." And if you know my story, I used to live my life by "Since this is inevitable, I'll just make it happen." I know there are probably more that I've made, and to be honest, the first is the only one I spontaneously understood. The others I discovered doing research, but reading them makes much of my childhood come together.
The second speaker was someone I know well. She is a very nurturing woman who refers to me as her daughter of the heart. She spoke very intellectually about the inner child, the effect of trauma in stunting growth due to certain events, and how she is learning to take back control over her little self. There were several phrases she used which stuck out to me. 1) we need to mother ourselves. I've always know this, but recently realized that in moments where I find the need to mother myself, I feel a deep resentment toward my own mother for her broken parenting. Thus I need to separate the two and release my mother. Intellectually I know my mother was ill-equipped but did her best, but emotionally my inner child is kicking and screaming at the injustice. So the key is to find Jesus in all that trauma. The fact is, I somehow stayed in church and leaned about Jesus even though my mom stopped going and rejected God. God was always drawing me to him. He kept me in a safe place. He kept me in relationship with people who could show me Jesus and love me right. No matter what happened or who came with me, I always went to church. I guess that's pretty remarkable. 2). If you would stop a child, why would you not stop yourself. Hmmm... As adults I think many of us develop a sense of arrogance that we are beyond accountability. We are grander than the law or morality. If your child stole a lollipop, you'd take them back to the store to rturn it and apologize. However, if you wanted to steal that same lollipop as an adult, you rationalize it. After all its just a
lollipop. No one will know. You'll pay next time. It's kind of sickening. We would place all kinds of boundaries to protect our children. Why would we not protect ourselves the same way? For most of us the answer is probably pride. So we must lay it down. We must choose righteousness. 3). Do you control your inner child/old self or does he/she control you? It's profound if you think about it. I went on this retreat feeling powerless and defeated, but I have to realize that I have control over what controls me. If something else, a broken part of me, or another person entirely is controlling how I feel and what I do, I am causing my own powerlessness. I have defeated myself. This I have to chose to not allow others control over me. I control myself. 4). You can never make the same mistake twice. The second time it becomes a choice. Yikes! This one is convicting. It's naked honesty causes pain to my soul. I guess the key, though, is to learn from your mistake and become conscious of where you are, and what you are doing and thinking at all times. 5). Don't let others make you powerless again. This was actually not a point he speaker made, but one God spoke to me. People are bound to baby me. I'm a sensitive person and people know that about me. But I cannot allow it to water that weed of powerlessness in me. I cannot allow it to cause me to think I have no control again. I cannot allow it to make mush if my mind so much so that I can't sift through it all. God is greater and He has made me powerful. 6). Start where you are. Use what you have. Sometimes I look at my life and just get overwhelmed. It seems so all-consuming that I can't fathom what to attack first, and I often sit back rather passively never knowing quite where to start a fearing that I really can't even begin to unravel the mess. 7). One of the inserts in our retreat folder was a small piece of paper with our name meanings and verses that were prayerfully selected for each retreat goer. A long time ago The Lord spoke to me, "I named you." This is something he reminds me often. I have always had problems with my name. My parents continued to fight about it until I was an adult. My da regard to call me by my real name because he wanted to call me something else, and I guess in some small sense I really felt I was just a source of argument and pain for my parents. But one day God told me he named me, and it forever reframed how I saw my name. I began to feel that God named with a purpose. My really name means down-flowing. To some it may seem rather unprofound, but to me it meant He was my source and not my parents. They really had no ownership over me. I belonged to Him and Him alone and everything about me flowed from Him and not my very damaged parents. However, I never knew there were other meanings to my name. Over a period of several years I received 3 different prophetic words from complete strangers who did not know each other. The magnificent part of it all was these 3 words were word for word identical. All three people said, "You are a tenacious mountain climber." In addition I've been struggling with how I can ever make good choices because I don't trust myself. On my name card I read: "Jordi. Land Worker. Industrious. Descender. Down-flowing. Courageous in judgement. One who walks with God." Courageous in judgement was a powerful exhortation to me thy I can make choices courageously, that I can form and defend my own opinion, and I have the wisdom to assess situationsin te far of fear. As I looked up industrious (I like words
I found it is a synonym for tenacious. So I guess this would be the 4th time I've gotten this word. I read the first verse and felt some significance, but again felt powerless to achieve it. Then during the afternoon the ministry leader spoke the very scripture which out of 40 other people just happened to be on my card. It was the parable of the sower. "But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble an good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by perservering obtain a crop." I struggled with that scripture. I know I have a noble and good heart, but I screw up in big ways more often than I succeed. Because my mind is constantly overwhelmed with 10 millions thoughts, fears, emotions, and other disheveled ideas, I don't feel particularly capable of retaining information, direction, wisdom, or promise. I also don't feel that I'm all that great of a perserverer. Perhaps it's more self-defeat, but I feel I screw up way too muh to be considered a perserverer. But I think that God may have a different view point than I do. When I looked up tenacious I found retention, persistence, and perservering were synonyms. Hmmm... In addition, one reason I know I have a noble and good heart is also due to my name meaning. One of my middle names means nobility. 8) Stay connected to the source. Google is not te source. This is something God has been working in me for several weeks. I go from one extreme to another. I can be illogically emotional or overwhelmingly analytical. I like to find the 3 perfect steps to resolve everything, and technology is great for that, but it is not God. God is nt a 12 Step program. He is not a grader, a box checker, or a logical critic. He is a compassionate relater, and change comes from relationship not a nifty list of dI'd an don't's. 9). Choose life. In every choice there is a choice for life a choice for death. Choosing life could initially hurt more than choosing death, but death will only lead to destruction and life will lead to love and joy and peace. There is never a choice for almost life, half-life, or stagnant life. If you don't goose life, by default you choose death. 10). Take thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. I've done some pretty stupid things to poison my mind, and if I keep allowing myself to think that way it will continue to get worse and worse. But even though its more painful to take these thoughts captive at their birth, it will lead to peace and righteous living. 11). Last point I promise. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does this. Maybe I am, or maybe my confession will allow someone else to realize their faults also. That's my hope. I find myself very proud when I feel like I get something. And like a child I start planning how to make someone proud of what Ive learned or convince them that they no longer need to be concerned about me. But the consequence of that choice is I don't fully learn because my focus is taken from what God wants to weave into me and becomes obsessed over how I can prove myself to someone I admire. I have to make a conscious choice to be present in what God is doing and chose to hold onto only His opinion of me. But also to realize that if God is truly doing a work in me honesty is never achieved by me perfecting some speech I can give to prove myself. It's archived by me clinging to God and His power in me to affect a change that other will naturally notice.
I came home from this retreat making a conscious choice to continue to dwell on what God is doing. I'm a worker. In my flesh I'd rather not be missing my softball game. I'd rather be spending time with the people I love. I'd rater be spending my time in productivity which wouldn't only leave me bare again. So I chose to come back home, veg, and talk to God. I chose to exercise something I learned on the retreat: the prayer of examine. In the process I realized how despite incredible pain and humility, this weekend was all a part of God's plan in my life. And like that dream I had several weeks ago, this is a new beginning for me. I mulled over my emotions during the weekend. There were pounds and pounds of anxiety over being humiliated or saying the wrong thing. There was frustration and pride because things weren't being done my way. There was powerlessness and defeat when I looked upon just how much I have to deal with. There was also judgement. Sort of out of the blue I found myself completely frustrated and almost angry at a woman sitting next to me. I'm a pretty compassionate person so it really struck me when I realized that this woman was driving me crazy. I knew that I was probably frustrated with her because if a judgement I've placed on myself. This woman is disabled and simple-minded and in my judgement I saw that she was always in the way, always had to be taken care of, always babies, and people perceive her as pretty incapable though thy still allow her to do things which in my judgement I would deem ridiculously inappropriate. But I realized that I was only frustrated with her because I feel like others see me the same way. Many of them don't feel this way about either of us at all, but only have compassion. However since I'd allowed myself to be my own judge, I deemed myself a ridiculous burden that should be pushed aside because I only get I the way... But due to other compassion I was now a burden. As I realized this I was pretty horrified with myself, an I made a conscious choice to low this person. One small action after another I chose to love her and it was just a few minutes before I felt true compassion for this person. A small victory over that inner vow, I guess.