J
Over the years my mom has been downright mean to me. She doesn't really remember it. She dismisses it as her trying her best. And while I do believe she tried her best, it was still detrimental to me. From as far back as I can remember I have always been my mother's punching bag. I thought that was my place. I had no idea it was inappropriate. I had no way to determine anything other than whatever she said was gospel truth. My mind was warped. Fast forward to June 11, 2012. My dad had died the day before and my mom was driving me o the airport so I could get back home for a few days in before I returned for the funeral. It was one of the worst verbal lashings of my life, and I couldn't go anywhere I was stuck in her car on the freeway. With everything in my I tried to tune her out and fight the desire to hitchhike the rest of the way to the airport. I had just spent two days praying and pronouncing forgiveness over, and offering the throne of grace to my several abusivr father who had disowned me 6 months prior and she was now attacking me because I wanted to go to my own church the day after the funeral which was Father's Day. Despite how horrible that was, something clicked in that moment and I realized just how sick my mom was and how much I didn't have to accept from her.
It was the easiest and most difficult decision I've ever made, but I wrote my mom a gracious yet forthright letter letting her know just what she could say to me and asking her to stop calling me until she started seeing a counselor. Within two weeks I'd been disowned by two brothers and 3 aunts, and a grandmother. My mom was homeless, physically and mentally ill, but the grace of God allowed me to trust that he would take care of her. She was finally diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic and began taking medications. She scheduled several surgeries: two knee surgeries for a torn miniscus in both knees, a repair of a torn rotator cut which turned into two full joint replacements as she injured the other shoulder just as badly as the first, and wrist surgery. For 6 fullo months I didn't talk to her. I sent her a Christmas and birthday card, but there was no talking or texting. I didn't do it to punish her. I did it to strengthen myself to be aable to stand up to her manipulations. I have recently begun talking to her again. We spoke once or twice a month in the beginning. Then I allowed her the freedom tto text my occasionally all with the intent that I determine whether or not and when I would respond. There were times when she would text and I would respond within moments because of her manipulations. Now that is not so, and she doesn't like it. But that's ok by me.
So where does the healing come in? I recently started dating someone so I began telling her about him. I was in control of these conversations, but in an attempt to include her in some part of my life I spoke to her much more frequently. My bf knows a little of my moms ways. When she called me the last time I put her on speaker phone so that he could get a better understanding of her. She was relatively well behaved but he was still shocked at her manipulation. She asked for prayer for her second knew surgery, a minor one that she'd already had done without complication on the first knee. I assured her I would pray and as if she assumed I was pretending to that i would pray, she continued to ttell me how she could die and how horrible if feel from not talking to her. Healing #1: I recognized it. A yr ago I would have been sucked right in. Healing #2: I hung up. I said goodbye. I told her she'd be fine. And I told her she goodbye. 6 months ago I would have spent an hr on the phone trying to convince her that I would pray for her and otherwise cconsole her. Healing #3: her comment, other than being frustrating, really had no effect on me. A yr ago I might have been on the phone with every ppastors knew having her placed on the prayer list.
Yesterday was another one of those days. I don't do what she wanted and I became the daughter who hates her and refuses to forgive her and include her in my life. Oddly, as I said before, I've been talkin to her a lot more lately. I spent 8 mins on the phone with her looking for my out as she was sobbing about how I'm not giving her what she wants. I hate hearing mymom talk like that. There is no consolation big enough, an she makes unreasonable requests. However I ended up just telling her I would pray for her and I would call her tomorrow. So of the phone, a little shaken, I was still ok. I did get off the phone. I did pray for her. I didn't let her bulldoze me.
This morning I had the customary apology text. I accept her apology but I am unwilling to be her punching bag.
Anyways, God is a big God. Everything with my mom is hard. It's always about her and how horrible I'm treating her. But I now realize that her wwords are not gospel and I am not her punching bag.
It was the easiest and most difficult decision I've ever made, but I wrote my mom a gracious yet forthright letter letting her know just what she could say to me and asking her to stop calling me until she started seeing a counselor. Within two weeks I'd been disowned by two brothers and 3 aunts, and a grandmother. My mom was homeless, physically and mentally ill, but the grace of God allowed me to trust that he would take care of her. She was finally diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic and began taking medications. She scheduled several surgeries: two knee surgeries for a torn miniscus in both knees, a repair of a torn rotator cut which turned into two full joint replacements as she injured the other shoulder just as badly as the first, and wrist surgery. For 6 fullo months I didn't talk to her. I sent her a Christmas and birthday card, but there was no talking or texting. I didn't do it to punish her. I did it to strengthen myself to be aable to stand up to her manipulations. I have recently begun talking to her again. We spoke once or twice a month in the beginning. Then I allowed her the freedom tto text my occasionally all with the intent that I determine whether or not and when I would respond. There were times when she would text and I would respond within moments because of her manipulations. Now that is not so, and she doesn't like it. But that's ok by me.
So where does the healing come in? I recently started dating someone so I began telling her about him. I was in control of these conversations, but in an attempt to include her in some part of my life I spoke to her much more frequently. My bf knows a little of my moms ways. When she called me the last time I put her on speaker phone so that he could get a better understanding of her. She was relatively well behaved but he was still shocked at her manipulation. She asked for prayer for her second knew surgery, a minor one that she'd already had done without complication on the first knee. I assured her I would pray and as if she assumed I was pretending to that i would pray, she continued to ttell me how she could die and how horrible if feel from not talking to her. Healing #1: I recognized it. A yr ago I would have been sucked right in. Healing #2: I hung up. I said goodbye. I told her she'd be fine. And I told her she goodbye. 6 months ago I would have spent an hr on the phone trying to convince her that I would pray for her and otherwise cconsole her. Healing #3: her comment, other than being frustrating, really had no effect on me. A yr ago I might have been on the phone with every ppastors knew having her placed on the prayer list.
Yesterday was another one of those days. I don't do what she wanted and I became the daughter who hates her and refuses to forgive her and include her in my life. Oddly, as I said before, I've been talkin to her a lot more lately. I spent 8 mins on the phone with her looking for my out as she was sobbing about how I'm not giving her what she wants. I hate hearing mymom talk like that. There is no consolation big enough, an she makes unreasonable requests. However I ended up just telling her I would pray for her and I would call her tomorrow. So of the phone, a little shaken, I was still ok. I did get off the phone. I did pray for her. I didn't let her bulldoze me.
This morning I had the customary apology text. I accept her apology but I am unwilling to be her punching bag.
Anyways, God is a big God. Everything with my mom is hard. It's always about her and how horrible I'm treating her. But I now realize that her wwords are not gospel and I am not her punching bag.