J
Born and raised in a christian family and background, I had a happy childhood....except for a few instances when I would lay awake at night listening to mom crying and arguing with dad about his ex wife whom he left or divorced (not sure) to marry mom. I used to attend sunday school and prayed to Jesus every night. But even as a kid, about 9 or 10 years of age, I remember having sexual thoughts once in a while. Could be due to exposure to some movies. But when I was 15 things just went spiralling down from that point. Friends hooked me up with my crush who had a reputation of not being serious in his studies, I on the other hand had always been shy and studious. In the few months we dated, we got physical but not all the way. I got hooked to this feeling of excitement I have when I am with a guy. Though we broke up, I kept fantasizing about what little contact we had. And as was bound to happen, my grades dropped and I wasn't the star pupil anymore....not that I cared about it. I started rebelling against my teachers and any advice from mom fell on deaf ears. I barely scraped through high school. I got baptized right after but apart from feeling relieved that I have done it, I failed to understand or acknowledge its significance. I struggled in college too. The subjects seemed too alien and I lost interest very soon. All I was looking for was to have fun which meant drinking and boys. Any boy's attention was flattering to me and before long I had a boyfriend I started sleeping with. He was a good guy but soon I broke his heart by cheating on him with another boy I met at a party...which, not surprisingly, didn't last. I somehow graduated from college much to my family's relief. Shortly then I bumped into another long time crush of mine, a family friend, much older than me. And though I loved him, I admit at times he was forceful and we ended sleeping more than once. Then he left town to continue his studies or whatever he was doing. This is the hardest part... I found out I was pregnant. I was 23. I wanted to die, I was so scared and alone. I has no way of contacting the father. And even if I could I was scared he wouldnt love me anymore and also doubted he would have been supportive. I prayed to God to save me. And what chills me till now is that never once did I think about keeping my baby. I was just too scared to tell anyone. My parents and everyone apart from few friends thought I was a well behaved person. My twisted thinking at that time was that I was too afraid to bear the shame I would bring upon myself and my family. Praying to the God I gave up long ago for strength I had my baby aborted. As hard as it is for me to say this now, I was relieved at that time. I could go on with my life. And what a life! I left for another city to make a fresh start and continue further studies. But do you think the devil was done with me? I started losing interest in my studies again, and soon I took up a job and started dating and sleeping with guys again. At some point I wasn't even enjoying the act, I was merely doing it out of obligation to whoever my current boyfriend was. My dad's illness brought me back home. His passing away brought so much shame and guilt on me. I decided to stay with mom and looking back I know that was Jesus way of saving me from a life of utter sin and destruction. During the years I spent with her, her faith in Jesus, His blessings upon us and attending church with her slowly started to change me. And thoughts of the sins I had committed and buried long ago began to trouble me so much that I couldn't sleep. And on top of that my 5 year relationship with my then boyfriend who was so kind to me went sour. That was it. I realized that nothing I was doing was going right because Jesus was missing in my life. I finally repented all my sins and asked Jesus for forgiveness. Accepting His forgiveness for my abortion was the hardest one but I finally got there. I feel so loved and I have found peace I so longed for. After having accepted Jesus as my Saviour, He healed me of my addiction to lust that I didn't even know I was addicted to and which led me to all the wrong choices in life. He even provided me with a job that I love. He is slowly patching up the broken pieces that was my life. And I'm so grateful to Jesus.
This is my story. I'm sorry if this was long but I just had to say it. All my life this is the kind of love I was looking for, love that didn't judge, that accepted me in all my brokenness and most of all a perfect unending love. I was just looking for it in all the wrong places. Thank you Jesus for leading me back to You. Thank you for everything You have done for me, from spilling your precious blood to giving a sinner like me a hope for eternal life. I love you so much. I will never give up on You because You never gave up on me.
This is my story. I'm sorry if this was long but I just had to say it. All my life this is the kind of love I was looking for, love that didn't judge, that accepted me in all my brokenness and most of all a perfect unending love. I was just looking for it in all the wrong places. Thank you Jesus for leading me back to You. Thank you for everything You have done for me, from spilling your precious blood to giving a sinner like me a hope for eternal life. I love you so much. I will never give up on You because You never gave up on me.