T
hi everyone. my chat name is tyke. my real name is Samantha. don't really know where to start. I am 51, married 18 years, and have 4 children. I was an alcoholic for many years due to a tragic childhood, 3 previous bad marriages, ect. seemed like if anything bad was around, it always happened to me. I was raised to believe in God, in a twisted sort of way, and He was always a part of my life but believing in God and knowing him are two different things. it took me a very long time to figure this out but, once the light came on, wow! God is still working on me. I as many others still have a long way to go, but I can tell you one thing, I would never turn back. there is so much to tell. It would be a book by the time that I got done. hopefully I can give some hope to someone out there. I grew up feeling like I was no one, abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. went from there into a marriage that was basically the same. had my first child stolen from me by my husband. didn't know if he was dead or alive for 20 years. started drinking and trying different drugs to ease the pain. had a lot of bad relationships[abusive]. gave another child up for adoption because I couldn't bare the pain of someone taking it from me again. I thought, why even love him? I know that it sounds terrible, but at the time I was so messed up. long story short, wound up in my 4th marriage. started bad and continued to be for 14 years. lot of drinking, fighting, and abuse. around 40th birthday, started having panic attacks, became depressed and even wanted to die. had 2 more children at this point. I was of no good to them. don't get me wrong. I love all of my kids. never abused them or treated them the way that I was treated. just could have been a better mom. I always tried to teach them about Jesus but wasn't setting a very good example. left my husband after catching him passed out in bed with another woman. I cheated on him too. started living with another man that told me everything that I wanted to hear but turned out to be the same old thing. reluctantly went back to my husband. kept asking God to help me stop drinking. couldn't do it on my own. tried but failed. started getting sick every time I drank a beer so one day I just quit[ by the Grace of GOD]. my husband soon followed, again[ by the grace of GOD]. there has since been no more abuse, cheating, ect. no cravings for beer, drugs, just gone! no AA meetings, counseling, just GOD! if you just get quiet and listen to that small still voice and ask him to come into your heart and ask forgiveness and receive it. cast all of your cares on him and have faith. GOD can do anything. when it happened to me it was something that I couldn't even really put into words. I just knew that he was there. He opened my eyes to so many things. It was like a great wall came down and I could see on the other side. if you are lost and hopeless, get on your knees and call upon his name. God was there all along, I was just to blind to see. stop trying to figure it out on your own or it will never work. when you finally admit to him that you don't know what to do and that you need him, He will answer. all you have to do is ask. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Amen. if He could save me from all of my evil, He can save you too. Glory be to God!