M
Wow...so I definitely felt an urge to type this all up tonight. I apologize for the length as it will be pretty long, hopefully you all can bear with me! lol.
So really, my entire life in itself is my testimony. (Don't worry, I won't write an autobiography) I grew up in church, but just because I grew up in it and went, never meant I was Christian. I remember before I was 6, I was happy. My parents were together, there was always music in our house (my Dad plays guitar, and my mom played piano) there was always someone singing (my mom and myself are both singers) I grew up on country and southern rock.
Then it all changed, my mom met a guy, and cheated on my Dad, she got into drugs. My parents divorced when I was 8, but there was a 2 year gap between 6 and 8 where she pretty much destroyed me. She was always conning me into playing "nurse" which was really me taking care of her in her hungover state of alcohol and drugs. She was verbally abusive on some occasions, physically only twice that I can think of. But it really bothered me. At the young age of 8 I remember washing dishes with a baby-sitter and asking her if she ever thought of cutting herself with steak knives we found in the dishes...it terrified her, but if she ever told either of my parents I never knew.
I remember occasions where my Dad would be reading me a bedtime story and I could hear my mom stumbling in drunk and it scared me. I would be sitting in the dark after going to bed and just for some reason afraid that God would kill me or my Dad and praying that it would never happen because I was scared to be alone with my mother.
Finally, the divorce happened in 1995, when I was 8 years old. Me and my Dad moved to the small town of Berea, Kentucky. I was eager to meet new friends in a new school and have a fresh start. We lived about 20 minutes from my Aunt who lived on top of a mountain. From 8 to 13, I was happy. Summers spent on top of that mountain were always fun, and I would spend the entire summer there while Dad worked, because it was easier than daycare costs and baby-sitter fees. Looking back I see how hard single parenting can be. Props to you if you do it yourself fulltime.
So when I was 12, I went to church at a Baptist church. We had a tent revival, and it was the first time I had ever been to an "adult service" instead of the children's church. And they held an invitation and grown ups went forward and I asked my friend (who was about 3 years older than me) what they were doing. And she said "Well, if you believe in Jesus and what he did then you go up and say so." So I thought "well of course, Mom and Dad always told me about it" and went up myself!
Unfortunately, I was kind of misled there, only I'm sure it was unintentional! I remember my Dad asking me if I felt different, I even went through a baptism and everything, and nothing felt different for me. I was socially awkward (even to this day I am in person sometimes) due to my mother's abuse towards me, and I could never understand why people asked me if I "felt different". This went on for at least 4 years. I sang in the praise band in church, I was the picture of a Christian girl, but I never felt like it. I was just going through motions. I cursed in school then went to church on Sunday. You all know how it works. Sunday Christians, Present-day Pharisees, etc. It was at this time, in 2001, I started going to CC, just to talk to people no real reason for it other than we had just gotten the internet and I loved fooling around with it.
Fast forward to high school. 2003, I was 16 years old. I had my first boyfriend, Brian. He was a senior, I was a sophomore. We dated about 8 months. He treated me like crap. He only wanted one thing. (Thankfully I remained pure and still am pure today!) He blew me off a lot, never showed up when he said he would, verbally abused me as well when he DID show up, cheated on me twice, and was into drugs and drinking.
I started believing the lies he told me. I was ugly, nobody could ever love me, I was stupid, etc. After you hear it for two years during formative years, then more times from people you think love you in high school you start to believe it. I began self-mutilation, cutting. I became gothic, I slipped into a deep depression, and became suicidal. My father caught me one day trying to drown myself, and sent me into therapy for 6 months. My therapist was Christian, thankfully and I came out 6 months later, feeling much better about myself.
It was then the summer of 2004. I was getting ready to start my senior year of high school. My father sent me to church camp (SuperWOW in Jeykll Island, GA) thinking it would be better than staying around the house all summer. It was then I finally woke up to Christ. I got saved June 23rd, 2004 . That week was one of the best weeks of my life.
Unfortunately, once I came home, and started school, the glamour of Christianity wore off. I was shunned by supposed "friends" for being Christian, and 3 months before graduation, I was sexually assaulted by a guy in a bathroom. (Almost raped, but he got caught mid act) unfortunately, the small town I was in was well...small. He came from a respectable rich family (his grandfather did the senior portraits for our school) and so he was able to buy his way out and nobody ever did anything about it.
Due to this incident, I suffer from an anxiety disorder but praise God, I've never had to control it with medication. I suffered from flashbacks for about 4 years but it's been a long time since I've had to deal with them. I still have anxiety attacks in stressful or highly social situations though.
Due to the incident, I couldn't attend public high school anymore and came across a website for a college in Illinois where you got free tuition if you obtained a GED through them. So we moved to Moline, IL. While I did graduate a year behind the rest of my class, I recieved a GED from the state of Illinois and went to Black Hawk Community College for a year.
After all of these events occured, I was talking to a guy on CC named Kyle (although his screen name was Code_Red_Head on here...he doesn't come on anymore.), now as some may think, I had given up all hope of God after being attacked and shunned by friends. Kyle and I talked often and he helped me to see past everything. I began to regain hope that maybe God did love me. I transferred to the University of Southern Alabama to be closer to Kyle (who lived in Birmingham, AL), as our e-friendship deepened into a romance that we wanted to make real. So May of 2007, I moved to Mobile, Alabama.
God had other plans though. While I moved to Alabama, he was camp in Dallas, TX and fell in love with a girl THERE. So he went to school in TX to be closer to her. All was not lost on my account though. I was determined there had to be a reason and prayed for the first time in 2 years. "God I want to see you here if you are real. I want to talk to you TODAY."
I found a Pentecostal church. And there was a speaker/evangelist named Joe Oden and he spoke of kingdoms colliding (darkness and light) which spoke deeply to me. He came around at the end laying hands on people for a fresh annointing. When he got to me, I was bawling and could only nod when he asked me "Do you want the fire of the holy Spirit?"
He never touched me, he just put his hands above my head and prayed and I fell back. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I could only hear my heartbeat, and feel an incredible peace. And when I finally got up I wanted more. I still want more to this day.
This happened June 3rd, 2007. And I have been on fire for God ever since. I moved back to IL to help with a generation region wide revival and am still in school while doing this, but this summer, I go back to Mobile. That is my home more than ever. Transferring to different schools while trying to accomplish God's will is hard, but I am willing.
As for Kyle, we have kept in touch. I will forever regret not being more faithful and loving to him during our romance, but I have hopes. He's single now, and I will forever love him. He's back in Birmingham now, and I plan to fly there next month to check out a seminary I'm interested in, and we will meet then. I look forward to laying eyes on this man who helped me in so many ways to find Christ!
Psalm 116 (New King James Version)
1 I love the LORD, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
2 Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.
3 The pains of death surrounded me,
And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
I found trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called upon the name of the LORD:
“O LORD, I implore You, deliver my soul!”
5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;
Yes, our God is merciful.
6 The LORD preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.
8 For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
9 I will walk before the LORD
In the land of the living.
10 I believed, therefore I spoke,
“I am greatly afflicted.”
11 I said in my haste,
“All men are liars.”
12 What shall I render to the LORD
For all His benefits toward me?
13 I will take up the cup of salvation,
And call upon the name of the LORD.
14 I will pay my vows to the LORD
Now in the presence of all His people.
15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
Is the death of His saints.
16 O LORD, truly I am Your servant;
I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant;
You have loosed my bonds.
17 I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,
And will call upon the name of the LORD.
18 I will pay my vows to the LORD
Now in the presence of all His people,
19 In the courts of the LORD’s house,
In the midst of you, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD!
So really, my entire life in itself is my testimony. (Don't worry, I won't write an autobiography) I grew up in church, but just because I grew up in it and went, never meant I was Christian. I remember before I was 6, I was happy. My parents were together, there was always music in our house (my Dad plays guitar, and my mom played piano) there was always someone singing (my mom and myself are both singers) I grew up on country and southern rock.
Then it all changed, my mom met a guy, and cheated on my Dad, she got into drugs. My parents divorced when I was 8, but there was a 2 year gap between 6 and 8 where she pretty much destroyed me. She was always conning me into playing "nurse" which was really me taking care of her in her hungover state of alcohol and drugs. She was verbally abusive on some occasions, physically only twice that I can think of. But it really bothered me. At the young age of 8 I remember washing dishes with a baby-sitter and asking her if she ever thought of cutting herself with steak knives we found in the dishes...it terrified her, but if she ever told either of my parents I never knew.
I remember occasions where my Dad would be reading me a bedtime story and I could hear my mom stumbling in drunk and it scared me. I would be sitting in the dark after going to bed and just for some reason afraid that God would kill me or my Dad and praying that it would never happen because I was scared to be alone with my mother.
Finally, the divorce happened in 1995, when I was 8 years old. Me and my Dad moved to the small town of Berea, Kentucky. I was eager to meet new friends in a new school and have a fresh start. We lived about 20 minutes from my Aunt who lived on top of a mountain. From 8 to 13, I was happy. Summers spent on top of that mountain were always fun, and I would spend the entire summer there while Dad worked, because it was easier than daycare costs and baby-sitter fees. Looking back I see how hard single parenting can be. Props to you if you do it yourself fulltime.
So when I was 12, I went to church at a Baptist church. We had a tent revival, and it was the first time I had ever been to an "adult service" instead of the children's church. And they held an invitation and grown ups went forward and I asked my friend (who was about 3 years older than me) what they were doing. And she said "Well, if you believe in Jesus and what he did then you go up and say so." So I thought "well of course, Mom and Dad always told me about it" and went up myself!
Unfortunately, I was kind of misled there, only I'm sure it was unintentional! I remember my Dad asking me if I felt different, I even went through a baptism and everything, and nothing felt different for me. I was socially awkward (even to this day I am in person sometimes) due to my mother's abuse towards me, and I could never understand why people asked me if I "felt different". This went on for at least 4 years. I sang in the praise band in church, I was the picture of a Christian girl, but I never felt like it. I was just going through motions. I cursed in school then went to church on Sunday. You all know how it works. Sunday Christians, Present-day Pharisees, etc. It was at this time, in 2001, I started going to CC, just to talk to people no real reason for it other than we had just gotten the internet and I loved fooling around with it.
Fast forward to high school. 2003, I was 16 years old. I had my first boyfriend, Brian. He was a senior, I was a sophomore. We dated about 8 months. He treated me like crap. He only wanted one thing. (Thankfully I remained pure and still am pure today!) He blew me off a lot, never showed up when he said he would, verbally abused me as well when he DID show up, cheated on me twice, and was into drugs and drinking.
I started believing the lies he told me. I was ugly, nobody could ever love me, I was stupid, etc. After you hear it for two years during formative years, then more times from people you think love you in high school you start to believe it. I began self-mutilation, cutting. I became gothic, I slipped into a deep depression, and became suicidal. My father caught me one day trying to drown myself, and sent me into therapy for 6 months. My therapist was Christian, thankfully and I came out 6 months later, feeling much better about myself.
It was then the summer of 2004. I was getting ready to start my senior year of high school. My father sent me to church camp (SuperWOW in Jeykll Island, GA) thinking it would be better than staying around the house all summer. It was then I finally woke up to Christ. I got saved June 23rd, 2004 . That week was one of the best weeks of my life.
Unfortunately, once I came home, and started school, the glamour of Christianity wore off. I was shunned by supposed "friends" for being Christian, and 3 months before graduation, I was sexually assaulted by a guy in a bathroom. (Almost raped, but he got caught mid act) unfortunately, the small town I was in was well...small. He came from a respectable rich family (his grandfather did the senior portraits for our school) and so he was able to buy his way out and nobody ever did anything about it.
Due to this incident, I suffer from an anxiety disorder but praise God, I've never had to control it with medication. I suffered from flashbacks for about 4 years but it's been a long time since I've had to deal with them. I still have anxiety attacks in stressful or highly social situations though.
Due to the incident, I couldn't attend public high school anymore and came across a website for a college in Illinois where you got free tuition if you obtained a GED through them. So we moved to Moline, IL. While I did graduate a year behind the rest of my class, I recieved a GED from the state of Illinois and went to Black Hawk Community College for a year.
After all of these events occured, I was talking to a guy on CC named Kyle (although his screen name was Code_Red_Head on here...he doesn't come on anymore.), now as some may think, I had given up all hope of God after being attacked and shunned by friends. Kyle and I talked often and he helped me to see past everything. I began to regain hope that maybe God did love me. I transferred to the University of Southern Alabama to be closer to Kyle (who lived in Birmingham, AL), as our e-friendship deepened into a romance that we wanted to make real. So May of 2007, I moved to Mobile, Alabama.
God had other plans though. While I moved to Alabama, he was camp in Dallas, TX and fell in love with a girl THERE. So he went to school in TX to be closer to her. All was not lost on my account though. I was determined there had to be a reason and prayed for the first time in 2 years. "God I want to see you here if you are real. I want to talk to you TODAY."
I found a Pentecostal church. And there was a speaker/evangelist named Joe Oden and he spoke of kingdoms colliding (darkness and light) which spoke deeply to me. He came around at the end laying hands on people for a fresh annointing. When he got to me, I was bawling and could only nod when he asked me "Do you want the fire of the holy Spirit?"
He never touched me, he just put his hands above my head and prayed and I fell back. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I could only hear my heartbeat, and feel an incredible peace. And when I finally got up I wanted more. I still want more to this day.
This happened June 3rd, 2007. And I have been on fire for God ever since. I moved back to IL to help with a generation region wide revival and am still in school while doing this, but this summer, I go back to Mobile. That is my home more than ever. Transferring to different schools while trying to accomplish God's will is hard, but I am willing.
As for Kyle, we have kept in touch. I will forever regret not being more faithful and loving to him during our romance, but I have hopes. He's single now, and I will forever love him. He's back in Birmingham now, and I plan to fly there next month to check out a seminary I'm interested in, and we will meet then. I look forward to laying eyes on this man who helped me in so many ways to find Christ!
Psalm 116 (New King James Version)
1 I love the LORD, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
2 Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.
3 The pains of death surrounded me,
And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
I found trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called upon the name of the LORD:
“O LORD, I implore You, deliver my soul!”
5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;
Yes, our God is merciful.
6 The LORD preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.
8 For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
9 I will walk before the LORD
In the land of the living.
10 I believed, therefore I spoke,
“I am greatly afflicted.”
11 I said in my haste,
“All men are liars.”
12 What shall I render to the LORD
For all His benefits toward me?
13 I will take up the cup of salvation,
And call upon the name of the LORD.
14 I will pay my vows to the LORD
Now in the presence of all His people.
15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
Is the death of His saints.
16 O LORD, truly I am Your servant;
I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant;
You have loosed my bonds.
17 I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,
And will call upon the name of the LORD.
18 I will pay my vows to the LORD
Now in the presence of all His people,
19 In the courts of the LORD’s house,
In the midst of you, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD!
