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Hi i'm His Little Fawn and this is my testimony. I will try my best to describe how it all happened that day, the day where my life began again and God saved me. In order to explain fully how the Lord transformed my life I have to tell you how it all started.
A bit about what my life was life before it happened..
I was raised as only child by my single mother. She always tried her best to do what she could to meet my needs as a child. For that I am very grateful that God blessed me with such a mother. She may not be perfect but she tries and has always cared and loved me. But even though I was happy I could not help but feel that I missed my father and that it began to affect me growing up. I had so many questions as to why my dad left or why my parents separated and I ended up believing it was my fault or that it all had something to do with me. That my dad didn't care for me because I wast special enough or I was not wanted and all sorts of weird thoughts a child shouldn't have.. I had that grudge in my heart and my sadness grew into anger and then hatred. To make things worse while still a child I was abused by a trusted neighbor that I though was our friend.
My life went downhill from there. My hatred and anger grew enormously towards myself and those around me. Nothing was done to make justice for what had been done to me because of my mother's ignorance and fear. Everything was left like it was and we continued living normally. I started thinking it was my fault that it happened and that I deserved it to happen. I started feeling Depressed and developed Anxiety. Finally I couldn't take the pain anymore, I no longer could pretend that everything was okay. That nothing had happened. I dropped out of honors class school in grade 6th. I was slowly consuming inside. I couldn't do anything. I gave up on my education. I started self abusing and isolating myself. My mother and I would go visit some churches sometimes and my family even invited me to a church one day and I became "born again" but after a while I forgot about it all. I was still a child and had my mind in the things of the world also never truly understanding what it meant to be a christian. I also had bought a Bible but I couldn't understand it so I put it away in my closet. After many struggles with my mother and ACS I was forced to go back to school and I finished my part of my middle school years. But after finishing I felt the same. Since I was no longer underage anymore (turned 18) I was no longer forced to go to school. I couldn't handle it anymore so I dropped out again. This time it was for good.
I didn't care for anything anymore or my own life until I no longer wanted to go outside of my home. I stayed home and slowly I isolated myself from the world, My own emotions killing me inside until I realized I no longer could go outside anymore. I don't know how and when it happened but I had developed what they call Agoraphobia, which is the fear of going outside and Anxiety. Days would pass, weeks then months. I stayed 3 1/2 years at home not going outside or seeing the sun or breathing fresh air. I did not step one foot outside my apartment door for 3 1/2 years. I no it sounds crazy and hard to believe but I did not go outside at all, not to the grocery no where. My home was my prison without me wanting it to be. MY mother would be the one going to and fro but I didn't step outside for those 3 1/ years. As the days went by my pain increased my self hatred and misery, I hated myself for being who I was, for what I had become and for what I let happen to me. I felt like I was in a cage in my own home. I wanted to change it but I couldn't. I was stuck.
The day He saved me
One day I was feeling so awful I though about why I was alive and how I had spend and wasted all this time doing nothing, how my life was a mess a disaster and how I could not get out of this mess. I felt like I had no reason to live. I was tired of my lifeless routine, I was tired of trying to find a way to escape this but no where was the answer. Why would I be alive? I thought What is the purpose of being alive if I cannot live? I felt like I was a waste like I didn't deserve to be alive because of who I had become and how my life was. I didn't have any joy, nor peace nor purpose to keep going anymore. So I decided to end my life. I was alone at home that day which was the perfect opportunity. I though about my mother and how this would affect her but I though she would be better off without me. I was a burden to her and I was not the daughter she deserved. Tears started running down my eyes as though How did I get to this? Why must I be this way? My life has no purpose! I don't want to live anymore. I dont want to exist any longer. I want to die!
Then for a moment I thought about everything that had happened to me since I was a child all the pain and everything I had gone through. I remembered God and an online friend who had told me she was a christian and told me how to pray. I was at my lowest. I felt miserable, sad, angry, hopeless. At that moment I had nothing to lose. I cried out to God in agony and pain, tears running down my eyes. I cried out in my soul and said GOD! WHY!? WHY!!!??? I said, WHY does it have to be like this? Why did these things happened to me? CAN YOU LISTEN TO ME, CAN YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU THERE? DO YOU CARE EVEN CARE? IF YOU ARE THERE THAN WHY DON'T YOU TAKE MY LIFE BECAUSE I NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE. I GIVE UP I WANT TO DIE. I was in such a bad state crying out loud AND tears running down my eyes as I sat down in my living room. And that is where I felt it. There most amazing biggest presence and energy I have ever felt in my entire life. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck stood up like as when you get goosebumps. This all happened so fast but I will try to describe as much as I can and remember. The feeling was as if someone is watching you and in is in the room. I stopped crying for a second to see what was going on. I opened my eyes a little but immediately when I did I found that I could not lift my head I could not look up because the power and glory was so amazing so powerful.
I was in the presence of God himself. It was as if my soul recognized His authority, His power and His presence. I just KNEW in my spirit that it was Him. There was no area of doubt because He let me know it was Him. I I felt the need to bow my head and kneel but I didn't bow because I was so afraid of moving any inch of my body. So I just kept my head bow down where I only saw my feet. I was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me something that I had never experience before. I was terrified , but then at that very moment I felt what I can only describe as an immense huge cloud of love shower me from my head to my toes. It engulfed me round about like as if I was covered by it. Tears ran down my eyes I couldn't believe this amazing feeling, It was Love, the Love that He had for me. Never in my life had I experience this Love that was being showed to me. He WAS this Love.
He spoke to my spirit and let me know He loved me. I didn't understand. Why would He love me if I was like this? Then I remembered everything in my life from the past since I was a child, it was as if I where watching a fast forward recording of my all my life in super speed.I saw all the bad that happened and the bad I had done. (note I am still in tears the whole time) Immediately I felt an awful conviction in my heart. for all the sins and thoughts I have done and had all my life. I repented of it so much. I did not want to be part of it anymore. I wanted to change. I hated that person. I surrendered all to Him at that moment. I also forgave those who had hurt me in the past. He spoke to my spirit at that moment and let me know I was forgiven. Right when I heard that it was like a HUGE awful black very heavy spirit lifted up out of me and flee. I felt the greatest relief I had ever felt in my entire life. It was as if literal chains where broken. I felt engulfed round about with Peace and Love like you would not understand and a cloud blurring my vision like as of His Glory. I couldn't hold back my tears but these where tears of joy! I felt so happy the happiest I had ever felt in my entire life.
I then felt He moved his hands over my head and as He moved them I felt something I cannot describe with words but I will try to as best as I can. I felt like his arms where of Light and Love and I felt like something light as a feather but also warm and loving. He was moving his arms and hands over the top of my head and what He was doing was something supernatural and when He stopped I no longer felt the same, I knew in my spirit that He had healed me. I no longer felt afraid. I felt free! Free from the guilt and the shame and the fear. Then He spoke to my spirit and let me know that He loved me again, I was still in tears and He let me know that He was with me and He filled me with joy and His peace that I had never felt before. He let me know that I should let others know that He really is Love, that I should let others know of this Love he showed me, that He is not that evil God painted in the world that so many are deceived to believe, the God who only watches from heaven to punish and destroy, the heartless God that doesn't care about us. He is not the
God that hates and just wants to judge all. He Loves each and everyone of us and wants us to know this and to know Him and He wants us to be with him and be saved that is why He sent His son for us. He wants to pour out this same Love He showed me to everyone but they are so deceived by the teachings of men that they don't understand who He truly is, they are blinded.
After this I asked Him in my spirit what He wanted me to do I also told Him in my spirit that I did not want Him to go I was crying more tears, I was afraid if He left I would be back to who I was before but He let me know that He was with me and I could communicate with Him just like I did and He showed me in my mind like silver cord that connected from my head to His throne in heaven. He also showed me that I should look for the Bible that I had stored in the closet 4 years before. The same bible that I bought but I never had the chance to read because I could not understand. He let me know that in it I will know everything I need to know and I will know His Will. Then He reminded me that He loved me and I felt His presence leave the room but I felt that He was in me. I stood up and I felt free! I felt like I had to tell the whole world what had happened! I couldn't wait to tell my mother. I felt like I NEEDED to go outside and share this with the world.
That day my mother came home and I told her everything we where both crying and I went outside that day for the first time after so long. It was the most amazing thing ever. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing. I an immense joy in my soul! I felt like a bird who was let out of her cage (which I then vowed never to own birds as pets because f my experience), I felt like I was flying, I felt like my feet where feathers and I was floating. I cannot describe wholly the amazing and awesome things I felt that day. I told everyone who I saw in the street what had just happened.
This is my testimony of how God my Father heard my cry and answered my plea, How he came into my living room and how He healed me and saved me from death. I will never forgot this day.
After that I started reading the Bible and God taught me as I read, He told me to start reading from Genesis because I had to know the beginning of how it all started to understand it all. He lead me as I went a long revealing to me His Word and the mysteries therein, Things I would have never thought or known myself. It was as if my eyes had been opened like I had magnifying glasses in them, whenever I opened my Bible the WORDS, they just seemed to like pop out. Unlike before when I tried reading it they looked like a puzzle to mine eyes and no matter how I read I had no understanding until that wonderful day.
After a while I went to church and got baptized. I also I went back to school and finished my Highschool Diploma, And more recently I have married and now have a baby daughter. I have had many trials and ups and downs but the Lord had never left me and He is right here with me I know. I love Him so much and I can never repay what He has done for me.
Oh how God is so merciful and so loving and beautiful and kind!
Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony that I described as possible as I can describe. Forgive me that it is so long but I could not describe what happened that unforgettable day in less words. and I hope that it will remind you of God's love.
God bless.
A bit about what my life was life before it happened..
I was raised as only child by my single mother. She always tried her best to do what she could to meet my needs as a child. For that I am very grateful that God blessed me with such a mother. She may not be perfect but she tries and has always cared and loved me. But even though I was happy I could not help but feel that I missed my father and that it began to affect me growing up. I had so many questions as to why my dad left or why my parents separated and I ended up believing it was my fault or that it all had something to do with me. That my dad didn't care for me because I wast special enough or I was not wanted and all sorts of weird thoughts a child shouldn't have.. I had that grudge in my heart and my sadness grew into anger and then hatred. To make things worse while still a child I was abused by a trusted neighbor that I though was our friend.
My life went downhill from there. My hatred and anger grew enormously towards myself and those around me. Nothing was done to make justice for what had been done to me because of my mother's ignorance and fear. Everything was left like it was and we continued living normally. I started thinking it was my fault that it happened and that I deserved it to happen. I started feeling Depressed and developed Anxiety. Finally I couldn't take the pain anymore, I no longer could pretend that everything was okay. That nothing had happened. I dropped out of honors class school in grade 6th. I was slowly consuming inside. I couldn't do anything. I gave up on my education. I started self abusing and isolating myself. My mother and I would go visit some churches sometimes and my family even invited me to a church one day and I became "born again" but after a while I forgot about it all. I was still a child and had my mind in the things of the world also never truly understanding what it meant to be a christian. I also had bought a Bible but I couldn't understand it so I put it away in my closet. After many struggles with my mother and ACS I was forced to go back to school and I finished my part of my middle school years. But after finishing I felt the same. Since I was no longer underage anymore (turned 18) I was no longer forced to go to school. I couldn't handle it anymore so I dropped out again. This time it was for good.
I didn't care for anything anymore or my own life until I no longer wanted to go outside of my home. I stayed home and slowly I isolated myself from the world, My own emotions killing me inside until I realized I no longer could go outside anymore. I don't know how and when it happened but I had developed what they call Agoraphobia, which is the fear of going outside and Anxiety. Days would pass, weeks then months. I stayed 3 1/2 years at home not going outside or seeing the sun or breathing fresh air. I did not step one foot outside my apartment door for 3 1/2 years. I no it sounds crazy and hard to believe but I did not go outside at all, not to the grocery no where. My home was my prison without me wanting it to be. MY mother would be the one going to and fro but I didn't step outside for those 3 1/ years. As the days went by my pain increased my self hatred and misery, I hated myself for being who I was, for what I had become and for what I let happen to me. I felt like I was in a cage in my own home. I wanted to change it but I couldn't. I was stuck.
The day He saved me
One day I was feeling so awful I though about why I was alive and how I had spend and wasted all this time doing nothing, how my life was a mess a disaster and how I could not get out of this mess. I felt like I had no reason to live. I was tired of my lifeless routine, I was tired of trying to find a way to escape this but no where was the answer. Why would I be alive? I thought What is the purpose of being alive if I cannot live? I felt like I was a waste like I didn't deserve to be alive because of who I had become and how my life was. I didn't have any joy, nor peace nor purpose to keep going anymore. So I decided to end my life. I was alone at home that day which was the perfect opportunity. I though about my mother and how this would affect her but I though she would be better off without me. I was a burden to her and I was not the daughter she deserved. Tears started running down my eyes as though How did I get to this? Why must I be this way? My life has no purpose! I don't want to live anymore. I dont want to exist any longer. I want to die!
Then for a moment I thought about everything that had happened to me since I was a child all the pain and everything I had gone through. I remembered God and an online friend who had told me she was a christian and told me how to pray. I was at my lowest. I felt miserable, sad, angry, hopeless. At that moment I had nothing to lose. I cried out to God in agony and pain, tears running down my eyes. I cried out in my soul and said GOD! WHY!? WHY!!!??? I said, WHY does it have to be like this? Why did these things happened to me? CAN YOU LISTEN TO ME, CAN YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU THERE? DO YOU CARE EVEN CARE? IF YOU ARE THERE THAN WHY DON'T YOU TAKE MY LIFE BECAUSE I NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE. I GIVE UP I WANT TO DIE. I was in such a bad state crying out loud AND tears running down my eyes as I sat down in my living room. And that is where I felt it. There most amazing biggest presence and energy I have ever felt in my entire life. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck stood up like as when you get goosebumps. This all happened so fast but I will try to describe as much as I can and remember. The feeling was as if someone is watching you and in is in the room. I stopped crying for a second to see what was going on. I opened my eyes a little but immediately when I did I found that I could not lift my head I could not look up because the power and glory was so amazing so powerful.
I was in the presence of God himself. It was as if my soul recognized His authority, His power and His presence. I just KNEW in my spirit that it was Him. There was no area of doubt because He let me know it was Him. I I felt the need to bow my head and kneel but I didn't bow because I was so afraid of moving any inch of my body. So I just kept my head bow down where I only saw my feet. I was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me something that I had never experience before. I was terrified , but then at that very moment I felt what I can only describe as an immense huge cloud of love shower me from my head to my toes. It engulfed me round about like as if I was covered by it. Tears ran down my eyes I couldn't believe this amazing feeling, It was Love, the Love that He had for me. Never in my life had I experience this Love that was being showed to me. He WAS this Love.
He spoke to my spirit and let me know He loved me. I didn't understand. Why would He love me if I was like this? Then I remembered everything in my life from the past since I was a child, it was as if I where watching a fast forward recording of my all my life in super speed.I saw all the bad that happened and the bad I had done. (note I am still in tears the whole time) Immediately I felt an awful conviction in my heart. for all the sins and thoughts I have done and had all my life. I repented of it so much. I did not want to be part of it anymore. I wanted to change. I hated that person. I surrendered all to Him at that moment. I also forgave those who had hurt me in the past. He spoke to my spirit at that moment and let me know I was forgiven. Right when I heard that it was like a HUGE awful black very heavy spirit lifted up out of me and flee. I felt the greatest relief I had ever felt in my entire life. It was as if literal chains where broken. I felt engulfed round about with Peace and Love like you would not understand and a cloud blurring my vision like as of His Glory. I couldn't hold back my tears but these where tears of joy! I felt so happy the happiest I had ever felt in my entire life.
I then felt He moved his hands over my head and as He moved them I felt something I cannot describe with words but I will try to as best as I can. I felt like his arms where of Light and Love and I felt like something light as a feather but also warm and loving. He was moving his arms and hands over the top of my head and what He was doing was something supernatural and when He stopped I no longer felt the same, I knew in my spirit that He had healed me. I no longer felt afraid. I felt free! Free from the guilt and the shame and the fear. Then He spoke to my spirit and let me know that He loved me again, I was still in tears and He let me know that He was with me and He filled me with joy and His peace that I had never felt before. He let me know that I should let others know that He really is Love, that I should let others know of this Love he showed me, that He is not that evil God painted in the world that so many are deceived to believe, the God who only watches from heaven to punish and destroy, the heartless God that doesn't care about us. He is not the
God that hates and just wants to judge all. He Loves each and everyone of us and wants us to know this and to know Him and He wants us to be with him and be saved that is why He sent His son for us. He wants to pour out this same Love He showed me to everyone but they are so deceived by the teachings of men that they don't understand who He truly is, they are blinded.
After this I asked Him in my spirit what He wanted me to do I also told Him in my spirit that I did not want Him to go I was crying more tears, I was afraid if He left I would be back to who I was before but He let me know that He was with me and I could communicate with Him just like I did and He showed me in my mind like silver cord that connected from my head to His throne in heaven. He also showed me that I should look for the Bible that I had stored in the closet 4 years before. The same bible that I bought but I never had the chance to read because I could not understand. He let me know that in it I will know everything I need to know and I will know His Will. Then He reminded me that He loved me and I felt His presence leave the room but I felt that He was in me. I stood up and I felt free! I felt like I had to tell the whole world what had happened! I couldn't wait to tell my mother. I felt like I NEEDED to go outside and share this with the world.
That day my mother came home and I told her everything we where both crying and I went outside that day for the first time after so long. It was the most amazing thing ever. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing. I an immense joy in my soul! I felt like a bird who was let out of her cage (which I then vowed never to own birds as pets because f my experience), I felt like I was flying, I felt like my feet where feathers and I was floating. I cannot describe wholly the amazing and awesome things I felt that day. I told everyone who I saw in the street what had just happened.
This is my testimony of how God my Father heard my cry and answered my plea, How he came into my living room and how He healed me and saved me from death. I will never forgot this day.
After that I started reading the Bible and God taught me as I read, He told me to start reading from Genesis because I had to know the beginning of how it all started to understand it all. He lead me as I went a long revealing to me His Word and the mysteries therein, Things I would have never thought or known myself. It was as if my eyes had been opened like I had magnifying glasses in them, whenever I opened my Bible the WORDS, they just seemed to like pop out. Unlike before when I tried reading it they looked like a puzzle to mine eyes and no matter how I read I had no understanding until that wonderful day.
After a while I went to church and got baptized. I also I went back to school and finished my Highschool Diploma, And more recently I have married and now have a baby daughter. I have had many trials and ups and downs but the Lord had never left me and He is right here with me I know. I love Him so much and I can never repay what He has done for me.
Oh how God is so merciful and so loving and beautiful and kind!
Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony that I described as possible as I can describe. Forgive me that it is so long but I could not describe what happened that unforgettable day in less words. and I hope that it will remind you of God's love.
God bless.
