Sunday I had my pastor come up to me. And he asked with the biggest smile on his face, "Hey Tony what are you doing besides going to Oklahoma the next 2 weeks starting on Friday." Now I am not one to hyperactive in the church. In fact I like isolation hence why I am up at 3. a.m. sitting in a room alone. But he took me by surprise and I told him that I have summer school, and that I might not be able to go. Because this is my last chance too get my full high school diploma. But deep down inside my heart, I wanted nothing more to go to Oklahoma and help those in need and be a testament for Jesus Christ. So I prayed and told God that my wish was to finish summer school by Friday and be able to go on this trip but I was firm in believing "Your will be done". I have had some great life lessons and gifts with just saying, "Your will be done". Well I went to school yesterday and finished 2 semesters worth of math and 1/2 of a semester of economics. This made me beyond joyful and the teachers were far more impressed. So I told my pastor of my accomplishment and the fact I might be able to go. Which just knowing that through God and some hard work all things are possible has made me an even stronger believer...
I was on cloud nine... The silver lining seemed to become bigger then the clouds... Then I get a call, it is from my father. He tells me that my grandmothers situation is much more serious then I expected... She has been in the hospital for a a few days and I was under the impression it wasn't too serious... But now they are trying to keep her alive because her body is shutting down, and my father asked that I packed a suitcase for the worst... So I called up my grandmother just to talk and to put all those thoughts behind me and live in the happiness I wanted too... It sounds very cliche' but my grandmother is one of the most charismatic people you will ever meet, but when I called her, I heard her struggling for breath. After a while I grew accustom to the sound and played it off as nothing... I told her of my accomplishment and it made her beyond excited. I am the "smartest grandchild" not my words but hers. And she was happy to see me start to take acknowledgement in my own life. I think she was the only person more disappointed then myself in terms of not graduating. She was beyond happy and told me that she might not be able to send her graduation card soon. But that when she gets out, she will send it.
She kept on telling me all my relatives that are visiting her, they are coming from all across the united states... I knew I had a lot of relatives but the names seemed to never stop... Then it hit me... She really is dieing, not in a philosophical view point of we are dieing since birth. But the view point of; my grandmother might not be around much longer... After a few more minutes of casually talking she started to cough. And by the way she was coughing I could tell she was holding those coughs for the length of time we spoke... And knowing my grandmother she would continue to hold them unless it became physically impossible... SO for a few more minutes before I said my good byes I told her, "Grandma I have been praying for you". She thanked me with more love then I have heard of a person, she told me how much that one sentence meant to her, but then she confessed of the lack of prayers she has been saying lately. She told me how hard it has been to pray in her condition. And I told her, "Don't worry God knows your heart".
I am so torn... This is like a paper rock scissors to me... See I would like to put my grandmother above all but I think it would be more beneficial for God if I would go to Oklahoma. But If school takes another 2 weeks I would ditch school to see my grandmother. so I see it as-
Grandmother > School
School > Oklahoma
Oklahoma > Grandmother....
But I don't know if I am being selfish in this matter... See I am one to hide sorrow from myself for the short term and end up having it haunt me in the long term... I don't want to be running away from my own fears and have my grandmother die and I regret not seeing her one last time for the rest of my life.
A small part of me says go to Oklahoma because you know your grandmother believes in Jesus Christ... You know you will see her again...
And the smallest part of me says give up on life... Give up on hope...
I don't know which action to take. I am putting all my faith in God and praying to God with more tears then normal... But I am skeptic I would listen to God's choice and do my own by putting in some earplugs if that makes sense...
I was on cloud nine... The silver lining seemed to become bigger then the clouds... Then I get a call, it is from my father. He tells me that my grandmothers situation is much more serious then I expected... She has been in the hospital for a a few days and I was under the impression it wasn't too serious... But now they are trying to keep her alive because her body is shutting down, and my father asked that I packed a suitcase for the worst... So I called up my grandmother just to talk and to put all those thoughts behind me and live in the happiness I wanted too... It sounds very cliche' but my grandmother is one of the most charismatic people you will ever meet, but when I called her, I heard her struggling for breath. After a while I grew accustom to the sound and played it off as nothing... I told her of my accomplishment and it made her beyond excited. I am the "smartest grandchild" not my words but hers. And she was happy to see me start to take acknowledgement in my own life. I think she was the only person more disappointed then myself in terms of not graduating. She was beyond happy and told me that she might not be able to send her graduation card soon. But that when she gets out, she will send it.
She kept on telling me all my relatives that are visiting her, they are coming from all across the united states... I knew I had a lot of relatives but the names seemed to never stop... Then it hit me... She really is dieing, not in a philosophical view point of we are dieing since birth. But the view point of; my grandmother might not be around much longer... After a few more minutes of casually talking she started to cough. And by the way she was coughing I could tell she was holding those coughs for the length of time we spoke... And knowing my grandmother she would continue to hold them unless it became physically impossible... SO for a few more minutes before I said my good byes I told her, "Grandma I have been praying for you". She thanked me with more love then I have heard of a person, she told me how much that one sentence meant to her, but then she confessed of the lack of prayers she has been saying lately. She told me how hard it has been to pray in her condition. And I told her, "Don't worry God knows your heart".
I am so torn... This is like a paper rock scissors to me... See I would like to put my grandmother above all but I think it would be more beneficial for God if I would go to Oklahoma. But If school takes another 2 weeks I would ditch school to see my grandmother. so I see it as-
Grandmother > School
School > Oklahoma
Oklahoma > Grandmother....
But I don't know if I am being selfish in this matter... See I am one to hide sorrow from myself for the short term and end up having it haunt me in the long term... I don't want to be running away from my own fears and have my grandmother die and I regret not seeing her one last time for the rest of my life.
A small part of me says go to Oklahoma because you know your grandmother believes in Jesus Christ... You know you will see her again...
And the smallest part of me says give up on life... Give up on hope...
I don't know which action to take. I am putting all my faith in God and praying to God with more tears then normal... But I am skeptic I would listen to God's choice and do my own by putting in some earplugs if that makes sense...
because, if you stay with those, you are indeed weak and possibly defeated. You are an amazing, precious, young