J
This is one heck of a season for me. I've never been in a season like this before, and I am so grateful to The Lord for it. I've finally reached a point where being broken, being unhealthily dependant, and settling for less than the best for myself is no longer acceptable. How did it happen? It came through failure. I've lived my whole life trying with all my might to be the "good girl". No matter how good, kind hearted, generous, and high achieving I was, I never felt loved. I simply felt like a failure. I felt like I was never good enough. I always live a subpar life. I lived depressed as anxious. I lived suicidal as self-injurious. I lived only in hope for one more breath. I won't live that way anymore. Through my failure I experience love like I never felt before. The more I've failed and had to humbly confess it to my leaders and those I've hurt, the more love I felt. As part of my therapy, I have a safe place. It's a place where I can go mentally to me with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit... to converse, be loved on, and find rest. I've always met with Jesus in this place. He has always been a friend, an te more I meet with my friend, the more I am able to see His presence in my past. I've always found it difficult to meet with the Father. He was never a figure I felt safe with. Inside I cringed, I trembled in crippling fear at the thought of embracing another Father who could possibly be like my earthly Fater. Recently, the Father has become a major figure in my safe place. In my failure I was finally able to embrace a deeper meaning of live which is not dependent on me being the "good girl", and despite my failure, I am still His good girl. I've never understood that before. In three weeks Ive seen many changes. Three weeks ago I saw the Father and myself as a little girl still terrified of any contact with him. The following week that little ggirl was embracing Jesus, and for the first time ever, feeling safe and loved. One week later another remarkable thing happened. I've struggled with integrating that young part of me into the present adult me. She loves to take over and out of naïveté (or sometimes intentionally) do things to hurt herself. As I entered my safe place I saw her embracing Jesus, but I finally saw her broken little soul and felt a deep compassion and the new to protect her. As an act of my adult will I stepped toward her and sandwiched her between the Father and I. As I promised to take care of her, she disappeared inside of me. I believe this is a prophetic promise, and I will hold onto it. This morning as I was meeting with Lord, I spontaneous began writing.
I am an unclean thing
marred, a cracked piece of pottery
spinning on a wheel, ever-changing
In and of myself a useless being
weakened in sinful misery
But you see me
through the eyes of a redeeming king
who selfless bought my beauty
declared me clean
and crowned with victory
I walk toward light
suddenly find I'm blinded by night
and I forge and easier flight
rescuing self, afraid to fight
Jesus, help me claim your might
...................................................
Dear Little Jordi,
Separate part but surely me
I embrace you in your pain
I will stand to fight your fight
I will declare your name
Courageous, tenacious, flowing from on high
I will build you, shower you with truth
I will hold you in your trembling and assure you you are safe.
I take you in. You are mine
To be cherished and adored.
Why do I write this? 3 reasons...
1. God is good and He deserves all the glory
2. This is a hard road to walk so I do need prayer
3. I'm not the only one who struggles and hopefully this will encourage someone.
I am an unclean thing
marred, a cracked piece of pottery
spinning on a wheel, ever-changing
In and of myself a useless being
weakened in sinful misery
But you see me
through the eyes of a redeeming king
who selfless bought my beauty
declared me clean
and crowned with victory
I walk toward light
suddenly find I'm blinded by night
and I forge and easier flight
rescuing self, afraid to fight
Jesus, help me claim your might
...................................................
Dear Little Jordi,
Separate part but surely me
I embrace you in your pain
I will stand to fight your fight
I will declare your name
Courageous, tenacious, flowing from on high
I will build you, shower you with truth
I will hold you in your trembling and assure you you are safe.
I take you in. You are mine
To be cherished and adored.
Why do I write this? 3 reasons...
1. God is good and He deserves all the glory
2. This is a hard road to walk so I do need prayer
3. I'm not the only one who struggles and hopefully this will encourage someone.
